Category: mood disorders

Foot Pain, Ankle Pain, Psychache, when will it end?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I feel asleep around 2100 only yo wake up 3.5 hours later. I had to use the bathroom. While I was there, I figured I might as well brush my teeth. My foot started hurting so I rushed.

I went back to my room and couldn’t settle down. It’s starting to be a never ending story of pain. Now my heart is breaking and I don’t know why. I should feel better now that I know my mother knows I am a man. I thought that would take away some of the depression but it hasn’t. I still feel hopeless.

I wrote a tweet and someone flagged it on FB. I got a message asking if I needed help or someone to talk to. The report is anonymous so I have no idea who reported me. I’m just glad no cops showed up at my door. 

I’m so tired of this crap. I’m sick of being in pain all the time. I wanted to make cookies and instead, I slept all day. I might do it later today. I love the cookies.  My niece wants me to frost them so I might so that. I think they taste better without the frosting. But, I can only make the cookies if my pain is down and it shows no sign of that happening. 

I never bought the zucchini. Maybe I will Monday when I am out. I really want to make the zucchini bread. I really like it and it is easy to make. One of my friends posted a recipe for dark chocolate molasses cookies but you need brown rice flour. I’m not sure where I can find that. I also need to buy molasses. Maybe the next time I am in the Square, I’ll look in the grocery store there. They have some organic stuff and might carry the rice flour.

I don’t know why I feel so much psychache. I guess it may be due to my friend not really loving me like she says she does. I’ve known this for a while now. I’ll go for days without hearing from her and then she will be in some crisis or another, needing to talk to me, usually late at night when I want to sleep. It just annoys me that the only time I hear from her is when she is feeling bad, like I don’t exist until she feels she needs me. I just learned to distance myself from her.

I had texted my therapist about the news about telling my mother that I am transgender. He responded. He is glad I did so. I also texted my former therapist and she never did. I don’t think she will. I emailed my psych and she didn’t respond either. I see her this coming Friday so I’m sure we will talk then. I should be feeling elated that my mother knows but I still feel like shit. I think the pain of my ankle/Foot is just bringing me down so much that I can’t feel anything else but misery. 

Not sure if I mentioned it but I have decided that Oct 10th I’ll be changing my name, legally. It will cost me around $200. I’m going to make sure I get enough extra paperwork so I don’t have to go back to the courthouse. I’m not sure how many I will need to change my name on various things. I’m excited and scared about taking this step in my transition. But none of that will matter if my pain causes me to end my life. 

It is a constant battle trying to keep myself here. It is a roller coaster of emotion all the time, from feeling deep despair and suicidal one minute to feeling ok the next. I know one day I will end my life. I just don’t know when that will be, sooner or later.

don’t give a fuck Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Don’t give a fuck Saturday

I woke up around 11 or so. I needed coffee. I had a late night listening to the ball game as they went into extra innings. We won 13-6 in the 15th. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Then I made coffee. I had a pop tart with it and then went up to my room. By the time I got to my room, my ankle flared up. I got really depressed. I took some pain meds and waited for them to work.

I decided to read for a bit hoping that would distract me from my pain. I finished my coffee and brought my cup downstairs. I ate some turkey breast and then decided to take a nap. My ankle wasn’t having none of it. I really wanted to die at this point. I couldn’t take anymore pain meds as I just took them. It was a gnawing type of pain all around my ankle bone. I posted some things on Facebook and took an Ativan. Then I put some lidocaine on my ankle, which the bone was tender to the touch. I then forced myself to lie down and try and sleep. I put the AC on energy saver so I wouldn’t freeze my ass off.

I just didn’t care anymore. My Buckeyes were playing and I could care less. My Huskers were too. Sox are playing now. I just want to sleep. I am tired of being in pain. Tired of being.

trans issues and other things on a Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trans Issues and other things on a Friday

I was having lunch with my mother this afternoon. She had made tuna and I was having some with crackers. As I had made my decision to change my name soon, I thought I would tell her that. She seemed okay with me changing my name so I went a little further and told her I was trans. She asked what I meant and I said that I am a man in a female body. I also said that I plan on going forward with getting hormones so I could be a man. She seemed okay with it. I was overjoyed. I went up to her and said, are you okay with me being a man? She said, you dress like one anyway.

I felt such relief, my head was spinning. I texted everyone and then wrote on Twitter. I got a lot of responses that were supportive. I still can’t believe my mother, who I was convinced hated me, said the words, “I just want you to be happy”. My sister sent me the most supportive message, which is what I needed to hear because my mood has been so dark lately.

After lunch, I went to my room and tried to write a blog solely on the transgender issue but pain interrupted that. I tried napping to ease it and my foot/ankle cramped up. I didn’t want to take an Ativan because I really didn’t want to sleep so heavy or feel out of it, like the Neurontin is making me. I took some magnesium supplements and waited a few hours. I went down to the basement to fetch my dirty gravy and some frozen dinners. Tomorrow I will heat up the gravy and make some pasta for lunch.

I don’t know why my pain is so damn high. All I did was shower and make breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes, which I have had in a while. They were good, even though I forgot to put sugar in the batter. But that is why you use syrup. I also made coffee, which was good as I used spring water rather than tap and boiled it in a pan rather than the tea kettle. I wanted to see if there would be a different taste and there was. The downside was that because I used the amount of water for the cup, it wasn’t enough for the coffee so the coffee was a bit strong, good though. I needed it to get me through the fog I was in.

A friend of mine is reading my Darkness Always Wins book. I guess I didn’t edit it too well as she found some typos. She is going to read the book and then edit it for me. I can always upload changes to the book. I sent her the word doc for the book so she will get back to me when she is done reading it. She said she is advertising my book to anyone that might be interested in it. I thought that was sweet of her. The sales haven’t been so great on this book so any advertising would be awesome.

Ankle Chronicles 14

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicles 14

I had to look up the last time I wrote about this. It was almost a year ago. I know I talk about my ankle and foot pain in most of my blogs but sometimes I dedicate a blog solely to my ankle. It helps me takes my mind off the pain.

I took a lot of Neurontin tonight. I just couldn’t deal. Unfortunately, it didn’t take care of the bone pain that I felt. I slept for a few hours and then I wanted some cocoa pebbles. I threw in some granola and oats cereal that I had. I like mixing the two. It tastes really good. I am hoping later today to make oatmeal pancakes. I haven’t had them in a while.

I haven’t called any physical therapy (PT) places. Thing is, most of these places you need to fax in the prescription order before they call you. It is ridiculous. I don’t know if they will help me or harm me. I am going to try and fax the script over to Spaulding Rehab which is down the street from me rather than go to Charlestown. Both places seem to be good though I never have had PT at the place down the street. I just seen the physiatrist (bone and muscle specialist). Thing that bothers me is that my PCP didn’t give me the diagnosis of CRPS. He just wrote “ankle pain of unknown etiology”. Etiology mean they don’t know the cause of the pain. I am so frustrated with not having the diagnosis of CRPS when I clearly have it. It is pissing me off to the nth degree.

I woke up from my 2.5 hour nap. My ankle felt okay so I didn’t take the cane down the stairs with me when I had the bowl of cereal. When I was placing the bowl on the table, my ankle acted up. I was not happy. It settle down though. I had take my pain meds an hour ago so I should get some relief soon. I also took an Ativan to get back to sleep. I am not sure if I am going to sleep all day or not. I might sleep in spirts. Because I took a high dose of Neurontin, I am not sure how my sleep will be. I am just glad that the burning and nerve pain is not there. Sometimes it’s difficult to know physical pain from nerve pain. You just know that you hurt really bad and you want it gone, no matter what.

Other than sleeping off the Neurontin and making pancakes, I was thinking of making the lemon sour cream cookies that I made last week. I need to use up the sour cream before it goes bad. If I don’t make it today, I will try tomorrow. I really like baking. It’s fun. Now that I know what temp to cook the cookies at and not leave a pan on the bottom rack, I think it will be cookie time for a while. The cookies are great with coffee. I brought them with me when I went to Starbucks.

My ankle bone is hurting. I might have to take a strong pain pill soon. This pill is the only thing that takes away that pain. I hate taking it because lately I have had problems peeing. I sit on the toilet and it take a while for me to pee. I hate having this hesitancy. It’s awful. It also increases my constipation so I don’t go for a few days at a time. I have to take fiber pills in order to go. It is such a balancing act.

While I was trying to sleep, all I thought about was killing myself. The pain was just so bad and I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. I hate it when I am overtired. It always makes me suicidal. I keep wanting to end my life in my backyard but I am too afraid of being eaten by animals. I just want the pain to be gone and I don’t really care that it will take my life in the process. I don’t really have a life worth living.

I checked my sales for last month. I sold 3 of my memoir books. 2 books and one eBook. I am feeling sad that no one has bought my second book, at all. Only person to buy it was my psychiatrist and a friend in Ireland. She bought the Kindle version. I think I sold more as signed books than I have through Amazon. I am going to try and talk to an independent book store that I pass by every week when I go to therapy. Maybe they will stock one or both of my books. It will be interesting to see. I don’t know if they will do it but I can ask. I just need the courage to do it.