Category: mood disorders

my blogging adventures for the month

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

My blogging adventures for the month

In addition to my daily blah blah blogs, I will be writing about suicide prevention and about things related to it. A friend of mine gave me a few ideas on the subject as well as writing stories about what it is like being a patient in the hospital. I can go one for days with that one as I have had many hospitalizations spanning many years. I will also write some stuff on what I think works best to prevent suicide and why therapists NEED to be trained and use what they learn in their practice. Otherwise, what is the purpose of spending money or attending a seminar in suicide prevention and not use it?? That just irritates me.

I slept in three hour increments last night, giving up around 1000 or so. I washed up and shaved the back of my head to make it bald. I need to put in a new razor because it’s not as close as it should be. I’ll do that later. I then had a bowl of cereal before getting dressed and leaving to catch the bus. I brought my Bluetooth headset with me but I couldn’t get it to turn on. I think the battery died. I tried charging it while at the bus stop but couldn’t get it to work right. I put it away and pulled out my wired headset.

I dropped off the cookies I made to my barber. He loved the cookies. Then I went to Starbucks for my breakfast sandwich, espresso, and some cookies. I was able to charge my Bluetooth while there. I still have it charging on my laptop. I got kind of antsy after writing in my journal for a bit so went to CVS to look at shavers. I found one that I liked but it was $50. I made note of it on my phone and then went to catch the bus. Luckily it was late as they changed the time to 1220 not 1230 for the fall schedule. I got to the bus waiting area around 1222.

It was muggy by the time I came home. I went to Walgreens as I had a prescription to pick up and I wanted some Reese’s peanut butter cups. They had them on sale so I grabbed 2 packages. My ankle was hurting by the time I got home. I was sweating and needed to clean my sneaker off on my “good” foot as I stepped in some gum. I couldn’t wait to get to my room to cool off.

I was talking more with my friend about suicide prevention and how it’s gone to hell. She was telling me how she lost friends on Facebook because of her new adventures that are away from suicide related stuff. She had made that decision a few years ago as she felt it was time to move on to what she wanted and not live in her sister’s death by suicide. Sibling suicide survivor is hard because it really doesn’t get talked about. She was a strong voice for a while. Now it’s mostly parents that have a voice. A few brothers or sisters have come forward but it’s rare. The stigma is so great that it’s not helping the situation, even though studies have shown that sibling survivors have also thought or attempted suicide. They need care too, not just the parents.

My friend had sent me her blog that she is posting tomorrow and wanted my feedback. I was struck that she included my mentor, Dr. Shneidman’s questions, where do you hurt and how can I help? The Zero Suicide squad has gone away from that concept and really have no substance in helping preventing suicide because they really have no clue other than asking about it and how to go about asking about it, least that is my perception of it. Something about that concept was bugging me and it wasn’t until she brought about those questions that I figured out why it was bothering me so much. The sense of asking where it hurts or what is the one thing that won’t make you suicidal, or how can we make this a life worth living despite the pain of living has been lost. Some are still advocating for it but I worry that for every say 20 therapists that go through a training on suicide prevention, only 1 or 2 will actually take it to heart and use it in their practice. I will write more about this for those that care.

Shneidman was an important man in the evolution of suicidology. I think about him more during this month than any other because he advocated for suicide prevention. Stay tuned to learn more about this great man.

Labor Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Labor Day 2017

I slept for a few hours and woke up around 0915. I figure I would make the cookies while my mother was over my aunt’s. Around 0940, she still hadn’t left the house and I was thinking she didn’t feel good to go down the street. I went downstairs and she was using the oven. I asked her what she was making and she said she was defrosting eggplant for the BBQ. My text went off from my sister and as she was talking about this BBQ, the text said BBQ at 1, and my address. I laughed and showed my mother the text. I replied to my sister saying that the BBQ was too far and I didn’t think I could make it, LOL. I asked how long my mother was going to use the oven for because I wanted to make these cookies. She said just till the eggplant is defrosted. I said okay and started preparing.

I zested the lemons and juiced them. The cookies called for the juice of 1 lemon. The ones I bought were small so I used two. I hoped it wouldn’t be overpowering. The frosting called for 2 lemons so I juiced those and set it aside. By the time that was done, my mother was finished with the oven so I increased the temperature to what I needed. The dough was thick as the recipe said it would be. I got to use my new cookie scooper. It make it really easy to put the dough on the baking sheets. I did have to fiddle with the temperature because after the called for time, the cookies weren’t done. Then the higher temps burned the cookies that were on the bottom rack. CRAP. By this time, my ankle was killing me. I let the cookies cool a bit before tasting them. It was good. I had to throw away the burnt cookies as they didn’t taste good, even though I tried to scrape away the burnt bottom. Oh well. I will definitely make these cookies again. I didn’t frost them as my ankle was too sore and I really don’t like frosting on cookies. Maybe for the holidays.

My mother made her eggplant parm and I took a shower, which further annoyed my ankle. I really didn’t want to go to my sister’s BBQ but I can’t pass up BBQ food. I brought some cookies down and my niece liked them. I had a couple burgers and some steak tips. By the time I was finished, so was my ankle. It was giving me the heave ho. I felt bad because my brother in law’s family came over at this time. I hadn’t seen them in a while and would have loved hanging out with them. But I had to put my ankle up on my bed. I said my goodbyes and as I was going up the stairs, my ankle gave way. It didn’t want to work anymore. Great. I dragged it up the two flights of stairs.

I got into bed and then my ankle bone exploded really bad in pain. Strong pain med time! I took a short nap and when I came back up the stairs my bones in my foot were in a lot of pain. I cried. It’s one thing to be in my normal pain but to have bone pain hurts more. Other than relieving my bladder, I’m not leaving my room. The weather was finally a little warmer today so I have the AC on. I’m going to try and read a book this evening as I am cooped up. I hope I am better by tomorrow because I told my barber I would bring him some of the cookies. I see my psych the end of the week and I’m going to bring her some as well.

4 AM Blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

4 AM Blues

I woke up an hour ago due to pain. It was a good thing because it was 11 hours since my last dose. Not good. I am still feeling the effects of withdrawal as I am a little shaky. I should be feeling better in a little while. But the whole thing has me in a deep depression. I just feel so damn low, like I have gray clouds all around me and that there is a heavy weighted blanket on me. The other night I was lying down and it felt like I had this huge weight on my chest. I hate when I have these feeling because there is nothing I can do about it. I just go on as best I can but it’s so hard to be motivated to get out of bed, shower, brush your teeth, etc.

I want to make lemon and sour cream cookies today but I am not sure I will. I just feel crummy. The recipe is kind of difficult because I have to make zest and use lemon juice. I bought a bag of lemons because I wasn’t sure how many lemons I would need. The lemons are medium size. I think I will need at least 3 to make the cookies and maybe 4 for the frosting, if I feel like making it. I usually don’t like frosted cookies.

I made breakfast as I was hungry. Made an egg and cheese roll up with some Lavash bread. It was good. Then I cleaned up so my mother wouldn’t say anything to me. When I came back to my room, my damn ankle acted up so I took a strong pain pill. It’s kind of cloudy and rainy so it will be a good day to bake. I took out the butter that I need for the recipe. It has to be at room temp.

I finished reading my book, Free Refills. It was about a doctor struggling with addiction and how he got his license back to practice medicine. I couldn’t put it down once I started reading it. It was a really good book. I might write a review on it on Goodreads. I just need to collect my thoughts. Finishing that book made 10 so far this year that I have read. My next book is Harry Potter and the Cursed Child and another book called Sins of the Father by Lawrence Block. I read a few pages of the Harry Potter book. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It is interesting.

I’m going to go back to sleep now. Meds are kicking in and I’m feeling sleepy. I’ll write more later.

Sunday 3 Sept 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday 3 Sept 2017

I slept most of the day. I was up all night, not going to sleep till 0630. I had emailed my psychiatrist but haven’t heard back from her. I am in a lot of pain. My mother made spinach and pea soup again. I ate what was left of the spinach and had a bowl of the soup. Then I had some cookies.

It was raining and cold all day, a good day to sleep. I hope tomorrow I have a little more energy so I can make my cookies. Today would have been a good day to make them had I gotten some sleep at decent hours. I’m just staying up for the next hour or so to take my night meds and then go back to sleep.

My ankle is pretty bad. Everything hurts, all the bones, tendons, skin. I don’t know what to do anymore to make myself feel better. This condition is so hard. Sometimes it is the same pain but when it’s different, man, you just don’t know what the hell to do. And it’s just half my ankle/foot that hurts. It drives me crazy. I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away but the pain is different every single day so it’s hard to know what will work and what till not. It’s a waiting game. You take these pills and then have to wait for them to work all the time, if they do. Some pain I know what works but the other pains are difficult to describe so it’s difficult to know what would work best.

I feel like taking my meds now so I can lie down. Only problem with that is I could wake up before 0100 and then be up for the night. I’ve had that happen one too many times. I am just so wiped out from not sleeping. I just want to sleep and not wake up.