Category: mood disorders

Psychosis That Lingers

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychosis that lingers

I was reading some of my blogs from earlier this year. I do this on occasion to see what I wrote as I usually forget what I have written the majority of the time. Apparently sometime in January, I was having a psychotic break, even though I was taking the abilify. In my blogs, my therapist wanted me to take my PRNs, which I can only assume was trilafon to help quiet things down. I had refused. Now that things have escalated to the point where they are now, It’s no wonder I can’t get a hold of things.

I am glad the trilafon is working as well as it can be. I have been taking at least 4 mg faithfully the last few days since getting my mail order prescription. Some days I need 8 mg because the voices are just too loud or things are just “weird”. Like lyrics telling me what to do or music changing their meaning. I might also be paranoid. I know eventually I will become tolerant to the 4 mg where it doesn’t work for me anymore but I hope that doesn’t become the case. It’s obvious from my blogs that the abilify lost its ability to work for me.

There are many reasons for this. Having to lose a parent and the stress of the grief was one major reason. Having to go through a SSD review was another. Not to mention a review for my student loans which still has not been decided yet. Add in the stress of my back problems and knowing I am pretty fucked if I move the wrong way doesn’t exactly make be feel comfortable.

Then you have the external stressor of terrorists that I believe are really aliens looking for power to control the world. One way or the other, world war III is going to happen, eventually. It’s going to be against, possibly, religion or an us vs them mentality. I don’t know who is going to be president of the US in the upcoming election. I hope it’s the democratic nomination but you never know. And if it’s the republican nomination, the world is screwed, not to mention the US. I cannot fathom a racist president will run the US.

It’s been seven months that the voices have been out of control. It’s been a month that I have been off the abilify. The only thing that has stayed constant is my chronic pain. My suicidality has been in and out. Some days it’s very much apart of my life and other times it is barely on my mind. Lately, It has been on my mind more. I so want to escape the harsh reality of being commanded by voices that nobody can hear. They keep telling me to do things. They haven’t specifically told me to kill myself but I fear that they will soon, even with the trilafon that I have been taking. The voices now know that I have been taking trilafon. It’s candy to them. It works most of the time. It’s not perfect because unlike the abilify, I have to take it every 6 hours or so. I am bad at keeping track of the hours so when I start to feel paranoid or can’t stand an object talking to me, I will take another dose. I never exceed 8 mg a day. I am too tired by then and usually am in bed after the second dose, if I need it.

I have been reading Harry Potter tonight. I read three chapters. I wanted to read four but I just can’t. My meds have kicked in and I will be going to bed shortly. I have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow except possibly call my psych. I want to let her know what I found out. I think it’s important for her to know how long the psychosis has been going on. This way she can make a clinical decision if she needs to.

I was having zaps earlier this evening. I seriously thought about emptying a bottle of Neurontin in my stomach. I hate zaps. There is nothing I can do for them but wait for them to pass. I hate nerve pain more than my chronic pain that I have. Least with the chronic pain, I can get relief with my pain meds. It really had me feeling suicidal. Throw in the intensity of the voices and it’s not a good mix.

Sunday Blog 15

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 15

It’s been a very lazy Sunday. I watched some of the baseball and soccer games that were on. My Sox won 4-0. I had wanted France to win the Euro but it wasn’t meant to be. Portugal got a lucky goal in OT and won the game.

I have been sleepy most of the day, despite sleeping in late. I was in pain for most of the night. I had written a blog but never posted it. Just as well that I deleted it. I lost my rhythm. I don’t know why I am so sleepy today. I really want to go back to bed.

Last night, after taking my meds, I filled up the box again so I didn’t have to do it today. It was a good thing to do because I am too lazy to do it now. I hope I get back to sleep after writing this blog. I honestly don’t think I will be able to keep my eyes open.

My sister invited me to the movies tonight. If I wasn’t so tired, I would have gone. There really isn’t a movie I want to see anyways. It’s overpriced and you just spend too much for popcorn and drinks. I rather wait till the movie comes out on DVD and watch it in your own place with your own popcorn.

It’s been cloudy and muggy today, despite it being low temperatures. I had the AC running in the morning because I can’t stand humidity but it’s less so now. I still have my ceiling fan running because it’s still stuffy in my room. I have been sneezing off and on for most of the day. I feel pretty run down, emotionally. I don’t want to do anything. I was able to take a shower finally today. The pain in my ankle was less than it has been. I am glad I took a shower because I was getting stinky.

I participated a little bit in BPD chat. The topic was distorted thinking. I don’t know how much of that I have on top of the delusional thinking I sometimes get when I am psychotic. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a chance to really discuss the issues because it was dinner time. Then I finished watching the soccer game so never really went back to chat.

Saturday Blog 56

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had woken up at a decent hour but I was in pain. I took some meds and went back to sleep. I slept most of the day. I just had some breakfast/lunch. I am not that hungry for dinner. I have a splitting headache that is making me want my pillow.

It’s been a cloudy day for the most part. The only time I went outside was to check for mail. I found that someone had moved my bags and I am pissed at that. My sister wants the space that my bags are in to put a cabinet for her toiletries. I like having my bags near the door because then I don’t have to forget it and go back up the stairs for it, especially if I am in a rush to catch the bus.

Despite sleeping most of the day, I am still wicked tired. I tried watching the game but my headache got worse and my allergies were bad as the pollen kept blowing in the windows in the kitchen. It’s very cool out, only about 60 degrees. It’s been nice but I am back to wearing winter PJs. I was going to take a shower but I don’t feel like it. I am too tired. Maybe I will try tomorrow.

Because I woke up really late, I didn’t make coffee. I was having a weird dream about my friend in South Africa. I dreamt he came to Boston and I was wheeling him around in his wheelchair (he is disabled due to CES). I was taking him all around MGH for some reason. We also went swimming. Just as I was starting to wake up, I was going to take him for coffee and dinner. I think that was why coffee was on my brain. If it was an hour earlier, I would have made it. I usually like to have my coffee before 1500. Any time after that, and I run the risk of not sleeping well.

I don’t know if this headache is going to turn into a migraine or not. I took some Excedrin to calm it down. I still need to take my meds but it’s too early right now. Think I am going to just take trilafon now and then take the rest of my meds later tonight.

Friday Voting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Friday voting

I spent most of the day voting to try and get my favorite second baseman into the All Star Game Tuesday. You could have voted via text, website, or Twitter. I mostly used text and Twitter because it was easier than registering my email address every time I opened a browser. And since I had a pop up virus of some sort on my phone, I haven’t been too keen on using the web browser. Results will be some time later today, I think. Hope all the texts helped him.

I saw my psychiatrist today and she is okay with me using the trilafon because it is helping me. I told her there will be days where I might have to take 8 mg because of agitation and stuff. Today I didn’t take it and was really agitated and psychotic after my appointment. I didn’t take any with me, which I guess I am going to have to start doing.

We talked about baseball while I was there. I told her my opinion on our “ace” pitcher. I think he is a loser and a player, not really sincere at all. He hasn’t pitched too well in his last three starts. I really cannot stand him. And the Sox are paying him over $30 million a year for him for the next three years. I told her I was voting for Pedroia, our second baseman. She really likes him.

I had some time to kill after I came home and was waiting for the bus. I decided to get a sandwich that I love at the Au Bon Pain. I saw they had red velvet cookies so decided to get a couple with the sandwich. I had it for dessert after dinner. I wasn’t crazy about it. It had white chocolate chips and I am not a white chocolate lover. It was okay but definitely would not be buying them again.

My sister asked me to babysit tonight. I told her yes. I was going to take a shower but now I don’t think I am going to. It’s kind of cold and there is no heater in the bathroom because it’s broken. My brother-in-law still hasn’t fixed it, though he keeps saying he will. I honestly don’t think he will until his garden is over with. He spends a lot of time in the backyard during the summer months. It’s his stress reliever.

I finally finished “A Common Struggle” yesterday morning. It is a good book, if you like hearing about how a Kennedy deals with his addictions and mental illness. He fought so that we would have equality among mental illness and addictions to be treated the same as physical illnesses. The problem is, there just isn’t money out there for the mental health budget as it’s the first thing they close. Or there just isn’t enough clinicians out there to treat the high number of patients who wait for months to years for a therapist or psychiatrist. From what I gathered on Twitter, psychiatry is not as popular a specialty as it once was. I have no idea if this is because residency programs are shutting down or what. One of my friends, who’s psychiatrist retired, was seeing a nurse practitioner and then she left her. I know it’s a harrowing specialty but why be a psychiatric specialist if you aren’t going to stay there. Granted more people have chronic illness as well as psych illness these days than ever. Even my psychiatrist was asking me how I keep all my meds straight as I am on so many. The only one they didn’t have on my med list today was the sertraline. She had to add it, again, with the right dose this time. Now I have plenty of it as the pharmacy accepted the script. It’s kind of odd because I just filled it last week. I have no idea how my insurance paid for it but it did. It’s only odd because they wouldn’t allow the trilafon to go through last week when my doc sent it. I had to pay out of pocket for it just to get fourteen pills.

My ankle is starting to hurt but I can’t take any pain meds because I am babysitting soon. I think I am going to try and see if my niece wants to watch the Labyrinth with me. If not, I will just watch it on my laptop. I am kind of scared to watch it only because as a kid I was scared of the movie. I hope now that I am an adult (or try to act like one anyways 😉 I can watch it.