Category: mood disorders

feeling exhausted from psychosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I took a nap in the afternoon and I still am not quite awake. I really am not looking forward to tomorrow where I said I would be going to a BBQ. I didn’t realize that my mother’s sisters would be going as well. I am going to be bored out of my tree. I had thought of going into the hospital but am afraid my mother’s blood sugar would crash. She has been stable since being home from the hospital. I just worry the stress of me going to into the hospital might cause her to become unstable. I could be wrong but I don’t want to be right.

I talked with my therapist about going in the hospital as the voices are just getting worse and not better despite me taking the trilafon regularly. I am still up to 8 mg a day, which is a moderate dose. I told my therapist I would page my psychiatrist but still haven’t done it. I am kind of afraid that my psych will tell me I need to be in the hospital and then I will have no choice but to go. I really don’t want to go in, for the reasons I have mentioned. I am supposed to babysit next week and that will be difficult if I am in the hospital.

My therapist and I talked more about how the psychosis is affecting me. It is blunting my emotions so it is hard to feel anything. When I do feel something, it’s mostly depression. Last night I was feeling sad because I was thinking about my father. I was tempted to call my sister but it was late. I had briefly discussed the grief of my father with the NP I saw yesterday. She still says what I am going through is normal, what ever that means.

Since waking up at 0300 this morning, I have had the shits. I don’t know why. I haven’t eaten very much in the last couple of days. It’s taken a lot out of me. I think that was why I feel so tired today, despite drinking coffee. I just feel really exhausted. I don’t think I am going to go out with my cousin and aunts tomorrow. It’s going to be too stressful for me and that is the last thing I need right now.

Stay a Little Longer and Enough is Enough

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Stay a Little Longer and Enough is Enough

The past three days the songs Enough is Enough and Stay a Little Longer have been piggybacking in my brain. They have been on either repeat or shuffle. No matter what other music I listen to, these songs break through. I was even hearing “Enough is Enough” while I was on the phone with my therapist. I feel like I am losing my mind. I have been taking the trilafon faithfully every day, sometimes twice a day if I feel stressed.

I don’t know if the lyrics are trying to tell me something or it’s just a song that keeps playing in my head. Whatever the reason, it’s really stressing me out. I am hearing the songs almost the full time I am awake and when I am not I am hearing the voices talk to me.

My therapist read the blog I sent her last week. She said I was describing negative symptoms of psychosis, whatever that means. I told her my psychosis was going on longer than I thought it was, since the middle of January of this year. That was when I was talking about voices being loud and her wanting me to take PRNs. I didn’t take the PRNs because I thought they were just because I was stressing out over my MRI results at that time. Of course, the stress of that was exchanged with the stress of my father’s illness and ultimate death. That in turn, caused my psychosis to unleash itself to what it is today.

I am still grappling with it and still think I need to be in the hospital but because of my mother’s health, I can’t do that. It’s so frustrating to be dealing with this. I had taken 4 mg of trilafon while I was talking with my therapist and then another 4 when I came home a little while ago. The bus had me all freaked out. There was a little girl that kept licking her hand and then touching everything while licking her lollipop. I was trying to not look at her but she was right in front of me. And there was a stench of something really bad on the bus. I don’t know if it was a fluid smell or urine smell but it as bad.

I don’t really remember what I talked about in therapy other than her telling me I was describing negative symptoms. After therapy, I went to Starbucks for my bacon sandwich and coffee that they made really sweet. I swear I was going to get diabetes from that sugary drink. I didn’t finish it because I just couldn’t. I like sugar but only so much. I felt like adding coffee to it to make it less sweet but I didn’t want a caffeine high.

I saw my NP today. She is not leaving the practice, just taking vacation for a few days. I did find out one of the other PCPs is leaving. I liked her, too. I think the new computer system is getting rid of good doctors. It’s a terrible system. I wish they had seriously thought of the impact it would have before implementing it. I just hope my psychiatrist doesn’t decide to leave because of it. I would be so sad.

I just realized that by the time I see my NP again next month, I will have, potentially, my new name. I still need to find out if I need an appointment to change my name or not. I have two weeks to find out. That is when I get paid next and I would like to do it sooner rather than later. So my disability decision for my loans better come soon. Then begins the process of changing everything to my new name. I am both excited and scared at this process.

feeling wicked down and depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling wicked down and depressed

I woke up early because I had to pee but I couldn’t get out of bed so went back to sleep. When I woke up two hours later, I really had to run to the bathroom. My bladder was overfilled. I brushed my teeth because my mouth felt like a sewer. That was all I needed to do to get my ankle going. It hurts so bad right now and it got me depressed. I have to out today. I took some pain meds but I still am not sleepy and the pain has, thankfully, lessened a bit. Sometimes the meds are enough to knock me back out and sometimes it doesn’t.

My mood is terrible right now. I really just don’t want to be. If I had the means to really carry out my thoughts, I would so go through with them right now. I feel so lowly. All I can think about is death. I keep wondering what it would be like laying in a casket.

I have therapy today and then I have to go out to my appointment with the NP for my pain meds. I really don’t want to go out. It’s already muggy. I put the AC on to cool down my room. I’m not going to shower because I know I will be sweating when I go out. I will shower when I come back home.

I hate being in this irritable mood. I woke up kind of okay but the pain caused my mood to dip very low. Now all I can think about is death. I am so tired of feeling this way. I never feel “better”. I always feel gloomy and sad. The voices are always there reminding that I am a piece of shit.

I got three hours before my therapy appointment. I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I don’t wake up.

It’s going to be a long, sad week

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis, sports

It’s going to be a long sad week

The All Star Game is this week, which means there won’t be regular baseball games, at all. My team won’t be playing again till Friday. I hate this week because I love baseball so much. I don’t know what I am going to do in the evenings. Tomorrow is the game. I will probably watch some of it. There are five Sox players on the team. Originally, there was supposed to be six but a player got hurt. He will be out for the next six weeks or so.

I have been sleeping most of the morning, despite my damn phone going off. I had like 4-5 people call me, which is kind of unheard of as my phone never rings. I didn’t recognize the numbers so I just let them go to voicemail. No one left me a message so it must not have been an important phone call.

I got up around 1400 to make coffee. I am not really hungry, though I had some watermelon and half a cookie. After I finish my coffee, I might make something to eat. I am thinking scrambled eggs with cheese. I haven’t had that in a long time. I usually just make boiled eggs but I am not feeling like making that today.

It’s warm today and muggy. I have the AC going to cool down my room. I don’t think I will be going out today. I have to go out tomorrow as I have an appointment with my NP for my pain management. I was supposed to see her Friday but she will be leaving Boston so I see her tomorrow. I hope it’s not permanently. I really like her.

I am feeling kind of anxious. I don’t know why. It could be the coffee. I haven’t taken my dose of trilafon yet. I’m waiting for the coffee to wake me up a little bit. I don’t know why I have been so drowsy the last few days. It is unusual for me to sleep all morning. I guess I am wicked tired. Last night, I was struggling to stay awake. Then when I went to lie down, I woke up. Pissed me off. When I got up, I read some more Harry Potter. I have about 10 chapters left. I figure if I read 2-3 chapters a day, I might finish this week. I know it sounds easier written than done but it’s what I am hoping. This book has been on my list since February. Once I finish it, I plan on moving on to “A Cuckcoo’s Calling”. It’s another book written by JK Rowling but under her Pen Name. She has three books in this series, if I like the book, I will buy the other two.

Once I finish Harry, I plan on digging out Alexander Hamilton’s book. That is a book I started a few years ago. I kind of got busy as I dropped it and never picked it back up. It is a very dense book and kind of hard to read. You really need to pay attention to what you are reading as it’s very easy to lose your place. It is interesting. I think I left off with Alexander’s early adulthood in St. Croix. I could be wrong as it’s been a long while since I looked at the book. The author doesn’t leave much to stop in the chapters. It just rattles on and on. I hate books like that.

Seeing as my evenings will be free for most of the week, I guess I can fill it with reading time. I still have the psychology book that I started. That book is reserved for Starbucks reading though. I feel like a student when I read that book at the coffee shop. It’s also a big book so it will take me the summer to read it. I am hoping to read more of it while my therapist is on vacation next month. It will be a good distraction.