Category: psychache

pain relief and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

just got into it with my sister about me being on vicodin. she thinks that I should try another medication that isn’t addicting and that I won’t be addicted to. I have been so dizzy with this cold so I couldnt talk for a bit. I have dependence or some form of it but I can go a day or two with out meds because the pain is not bad. sometimes it CLAMMORS on me afterwards but I think since I have been taking Nyquil around the clock I don’t need the vicoden as much. but still I had a big fight with the pharmacy and I still didn’t get my “extra” like I wanted all because the doc wrote the damn thing wrong so I might run out of my meds AGAIN next month.  That really sucks when you run out of meds. I am hoping the temp change doesn’t fuck me up. I got to fix my window as it is letting a nice draft in my room. Damn thing won’t close unless I lock the window.

I am so sick of being called an addict when I am not!! I know I am not because all my meds would run out and I would be HIGH which I am not. I’m not looking for a good time when I want pain relief. I am not saying I want them just to feel good. I want them to stop my pain because if I don’t have my pain relief then I will kill myself and I am sure my family doesn’t want to visit a grave stone!!

My sisters know I have been suicidal at times. I just think that they think I have never attempted. I have NEVER told a soul except treatment workers. I think most of that is because I am embarrassed I failed and didn’t want to admit it to myself. And how do you bring it up? Not like you can sit down to dinner and say yea by the way, I overdosed on my meds last night and that was why I went to the hospital. Would not go over well. I just don’t have that kind of supportive family. They rather just throw it under the table than talk about it. Best is to forget it and move on. If I could do that, I wouldn’t need therapy anymore. all my problems would be forgotten…

Being ashamed about failing a suicide attempt is worse than anything you can imagine. it really hurts to still be alive after you were so sure it would work. Then to have to deal with life afterwards make you wish you were dead 10 times greater.

another Vent

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

My cousin wrote on FB that there should be better “laws” for commitment of mentally ill than gun control. How pathetic. People who are suicidal can’t get the help they need and so turn to a gun for help. They don’t hurt anyone but themselves, yet she wants better commitment laws. There are more suicide in this country and it goes up every year. And she wants better commitment laws.

I wrote a rant about it. Ending sentence that I would commit suicide.  I couldn’t help it. I got caught up in the moment. How is it that I can eat, live, and breathe suicide yet I am not cured of it. How is it that I read and can quote but yet not stop myself from committing it.

I have a busy week. Meetings with doctors that are supposed to give me the help I need. Yet I don’t receive it. I’m still depressed and suicidal. There is no help for me. I just have to live because society wants me to. I am a follower of what is right and suicide is wrong. But why is it wrong? Why is taking my life wrong? I am not hurting anyone but myself, not physically anyway. I’m not threatening thousands of lives. Just one, my own. What makes my life more valuable than another’s. Do people not see that mental illness takes many forms other than violent ones?

I just posted this paragraph as my Facebook status and got 7 likes, no comments. I wanted to put the whole paragraph about my cousin but I did not want to alarm my sisters with “I’m going to kill myself”. I have many friends and family on Facebook and I bet the ones from the UK are going to be the first to respond, if they do at all.

Mental illness doesn’t always have to be violent. It can be silent and nonviolent like I am. They say that most people employers watch social media now. I don’t care. If I don’t work again because of my mental illness. It won’t be the end of the world for me. I’ll be in private practice anyways.

I got 1 like. We’ll see what else happens if anyone actually gives a shit about me.

Pdoc’s visit will be the same. Too bad I didn’t get her chocolate. I do have to get my MRI report for Hedges on Thursday. I have to be at MGH very early. Going to suck. I just hope I am awake enough to be coherent.

No one has responded yet. I just have a few likes. I guess that is better than nothing.

Just pisses me off that people who obviously don’t understand what mental illness thinks they know what to do with the “problem”. It’s not going away. I’m resistant to treatment but others are not. Why am I still alive while others are dead. I have many risk factors yet I’m alive. I should be fucking dead but I’m not. So why do people pretend to be educated about mental illness yet can’t do anything for them. Feeling pretty hopeless right now. Even if I did see my pdoc she probably would commit me. My therapist would want more sessions. My PCP would just want a promise for me to call him if I got suicidal. How does that keep me alive???? There is no magic drug that I can take to keep me alive. There is no magic talk-therapy. So what am I left with? You might as well give me a loaded gun so I can end this misery. Give me 100 seconals to die with dignity. That is what I want. Pain is up so I am going to stop here. Back is cramping all of a sudden.

venting about mental illness and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental illness, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Spent most of the day today watching my seven year old niece. She was playing on her computer while I was playing on mine. After I finished my games, I decided to read this new book I downloaded for research purposed, why do people have to die by suicide by Thomas Joiner, PhD. It is a good book so far and I find it stimulating. I have been taking notes which I probably will end up writing into a paper that I am working on.

I recently read an article about a mother who’s son has severe mental illness and behavior issues. Three days before the shoot out in CT, this mother had her son committed because he told her he was going to kill himself. The value of the message was to understand serious mental illness though I do not how much more serious mental illness can be. You have something that is mentally unstable. I have a serious mental illness that wants me to claim my life. I hear voices that taunt everything I do but I have never been violent towards another person and god help me, hope I never will. I just want to kill myself because I am a sorry excuse for a human being. I don’t blame my parents or my siblings for the way I turned out. It just happens to be who I am, I may not accept it but it is who I am. I know that some day I will ultimately end my life by my own hand. I know because I think about it every day. But I will NOT take another person’s life other than my own. Do I need to have a lifetime commitment because I am so suicidal? Probably but insurance companies don’t see it that way. As long as you are not in “imminent” danger to harm yourself or others, you cannot be allowed to stay in the hospital for more than a few days time, against your will. I have been there many times and even though I have chronic suicidality, I have never been kept beyond the three days or two weeks because of my suicidality. I might have been kept because the voices were telling me to harm myself, but never because I said I was suicidal after the three days. The mental health system is wrong and should be address these issues I am stating. Because maybe a longer admission is what I need to get better. I have intense psychotherapy with my therapist twice sometimes three times a week and still feel suicidal. I have been on every drug used for psychiatry and yet I still feel suicidal. How am I to live my life when I want to end it so much? How am I supposed to work and go to school when thinking about my death is all that matters to me? No hospital can change it. No psychiatrist can and no psychotherapist can. So the blame then gets shifted on to me. It’s my fault for not “wanting” to get better, that my negative attitude/emotions are what is causing me to be suicidal. If I change my attitude, I will be happier. It’s all bullshit. It’s not my fault being this way anymore than it’s a dying person with cancer fault because they have cancer. And believe me, I would much rather trade places with them because I know they are going to die while this “emotional cancer” is eating me alive and no one can see it. And no one wants to help me either. I can only save myself if I want to. Well, I give up. I don’t want to anymore. What purpose will living my life that I know is only going to end up six feet under. I have thought about cremation but the cost is the same. I thought about buying my own plot somewhere but I really don’t care what my family does with my remains. They are of no use to me anymore. So I am giving myself some time before I do it. And hopefully within this time frame things will change. Because if they don’t I am dead and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.

a mumble jumble about fear of suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

This statement can be taken one of two ways. The first that some people are afraid to talk about suicide for fear of sparking ideation. The second is that when someone knows you are feeling low and have attempted before, they are afraid of losing that person. Suicide attempters are more likely than non-attempters to try again until successful.

What I am going to talk about is the second interpretation first. I have a friend who is having me motivate her into writing by me contacting her every day on my own writing. What sparked this was she read my blog about my near suicide attempt a few weeks ago. Now her ulterior motive is to keep me alive the only way she can think of, me writing to her every day. In return, she is to write at least two pages a day for her own well being.

I have to say that since I have been writing I have been in better space. I would not say that I feel more connected but I don’t want to let her down so I try and write a little each day. Our “rules” are to email each other when we are done and we are allowed our birthdays and Christmas off. In addition to days where it is not possible for me to write because of whatever reason, usually because I am in pain or sleep deprivation, we have given each other 3 passes on writing. I am usually the one to finish writing first but that is only because I have more time on my hands than she does. She is a VERY busy person with a lot of commitments.

I sometimes feel exposed because I am bearing my soul to this person that I just met through a friend on Facebook. We both belong to the same organization for suicide prevention. I am guessing because she thinks of me as a sibling, and she did lose her sister to suicide many years ago, she does not want me to end up that way. Sadly I don’t think she knows that it is my belief that I will end up killing myself one day. I know that I will because I just can’t picture myself living a life outside of this constant pain that I feel every day, either physically or mentally.

I am not going to lie and pretend that I don’t think about killing myself every day. It is a constant struggle and I think that I worry a lot of my close friends that actually get to know me or who read my blogs about my struggles. I think that is why my blog has been so successful is because people can relate to what I write.

On getting back to the talking about suicide can bring about a suicidal crisis, that is a common myth. Talking about suicide can actually prevent one but some people are just not comfortable with the subject and so will say stuff that they think the person who is miserable wants to hear, stuff like “you have your life ahead of you”, “Don’t be so down, things could be worse”, or my favorite “you have so much to live for”. If I had so much to live for why would I be thinking of taking my own life?? People don’t understand the pain that is involved in depression or in thinking about suicide. I have been thinking about taking my life since I was eight years old. I was in a lot of pain for some reason or another and it never got taken cared of. Today I think that pain stems from the fact that I am really a male and not a female. I knew at a young age that I was different and back then, there was no expressing how I truly felt. I really think that if I got help sooner, this would have come to light sooner and I wouldn’t be in this pickle today about what to do with my transition.