Category: suicide attempt

Golf ball post

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I should write a song about golfballs being an ankle. That is the type of swelling I have right now and it hurts like hell. I guess I did too much cookie making this morning. Course last night I ended up taking a few too many of this and that. I am really surprised I woke up today. If I didn’t I would be happy. I hate not being able to sleep for more than a few hours these days and not being able to see with my new glasses. Is that asking too much??

Because of my medication OD, I swear to God I thought today was Wednesday all day. Wed I am supposed to pick up my niece at 12. Well seeing as I got my days wrong, I went to the school anyway and at 12 was wondering why no one was coming to pick up their kids. Place is always a mad house when school is let out. I go on playing with my phone and then realize today is TUESDAY not WEDNESDAY ya dummy….so I walk home. Only to reach the front steps of my house when my cousin kindly reminds me that I should get rid of my junk box and get a car. If another family member on my mother’s side tells me I should just buckle down and get a fricken damn car, I am going to put a sock in their mouth!! A nice dirty smelly sock!!

So I am going to go off to dream land for a bit. I’ll probably be back around 3-5 am when I wake up to use the bathroom or just wake up to start the day. I kid you not, the past few nights have been torture and trying to get back to sleep has been hell…

Frustrating day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

I got the cookie dough that I ordered weeks ago and wanted to make cookies tonight but that didn’t happen. Both of my feet have decided that if I try and stand on them, they will attack me with cramps. So I am again stuck in bed to rest my legs and feet. I sometimes wish I had a TV in my room just to have something to do other than this laptop. I know I can watch movies and such on it and can probably watch HULU episodes of stuff but I like to sit on the couch and watch TV not on my bed. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do like to watch a good movie while snuggling with my pillow. But other times I rather watch it in my living room so I can have a snack and drink something without having crumbs in my room.

Had a doc appt that went ok though now he wants me to see a surgeon for my CES issues. I’m scared as I never had to deal with this before and it is an embarrassing issue. It has to deal with the bowel. I no longer have normal function of my bowel since my second CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) diagnosis. I can have accidents of my bladder as well.

The reason I have been referred to a surgeon is because my farts are causing me to have hemorrhoids and there is some fecal incontinence as well. CES’ers like to call these “Sharts”. I find them killing my dignity and sending me into a suicidal crisis every time I have an accident. It’s not that often, but it has been becoming more frequent with my bowels being more “softer” than they have been. I’m not sure if it is because of the new diet pill I have been taking or what but whatever makes me go poop, I am for it. I usually take Senna for it as it is the only thing that works without horrible stomach cramps.

The loss of dignity is what kills me inside every time I urinate on myself or have a loose bowel or my childhood favorite, skid marks. Those usually happen because I didn’t realize I didn’t stop pooping.

This has been difficult to write and I want you to know this because I think there maybe a few people out there in similar circumstances but think they are alone. Those with this nerve injury are constantly fighting their dignity and what it was to be normal every day of their lives. It take a tremendous effort to get through the day without falling apart every day. Today I couldn’t make cookies and it bummed me out. But tomorrow I can, possibly. Well I hope to before Thanksgiving anyways. I know there are people out there that say make each day count but when you only have so many spoons to deal with, it makes each day harder and harder. What is ok for today might not be that way tomorrow. I know that I stood too long today while talking with my former co-workers and that is why my feet are angry with me.

The bowels are a mess because I don’t go every day. Chronic constipation from medications suck. If I don’t take Senna every day or every other day, I suffer from horrible gas and the wet farts that cause hemorrhoids and make my bottom uncomfortable. And now I have to have someone check my bottom for something or for advice on what to do with this incontinence that I wish I didn’t have. I just hope that it doesn’t cause me to become a suicidal maniac…

ramblings 12

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

It appears there is an issue between my bibliography program and windows 8/word 2010. I can type without it crashing on me on my Vista but my new laptop, word crashes. I think I will have to upgrade to X6 when my check comes in the next few weeks.
Saw Lincoln today, the movie. I was very happy about it. It was truly great and the likeness of Daniel Day Lewis to the real Lincoln was uncanning.
It’s three O’clock in the morning. I woke up to go to the bathroom and cannot go back to sleep so decided to blog for a bit. This is the I don’t know how many days where I sleep for a few hours and then I wake up to face the day. Usually I wake up at 5 after about 5 hours sleep, but I went to bed around 11 pm tonight, so I still slept about 4 and half hours. I don’t feel manic or hypomanic, I just have my few hours of sleep and then I am rearing to go.
Pats won 59-24 today. I am sad that I missed the game. I really can’t wait for baseball season to start. I miss watching the game.
I told my psychiatrist about my theory on my having a bad time in October. She thinks it might have something to do with the end of baseball season, daylight changing time, and the darker nights but I don’t know if I believe that this combo is what sets me off. I started writing I think in my last blog that I wanted to kill myself in early November. If that theory holds true, I have been feeling really low since 1994, eighteen years. Granted I cannot remember there being a bad time since before 2005, but I know consistently, I have been in suicidal crisis every Oct/Nov. I just want to end my life and have gone to great lengths to plan my death. Only problem is that I have not acted on my thoughts in all this time, except for the time in 1994 when I truly wanted to end my life and had the means of doing so.
I wish I could say that I am awake because of pain but that is not the case tonight. I am hurting and have taken my pain meds but I am not awake because the pain woke me up, thank goodness.
I took my sister’s car for an oil change today. There was a good Samaritan in the waiting room as I was short, so this young lady gave me twenty dollars to cover my tab. That was the kindest gesture anyone has ever given to me. I kept on beating myself up over not having enough money. I had funds in my account but they have not cleared yet because of the weekend. If I didn’t put gas in my sister’s car I would have been ok. But the moral of the story is that there is truly kind people in the world.

No Spoons Today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, sports, suicide attempt

Started the day with no spoons. I was up most of the night in pain. I woke up very fatigued so decided to take a shower. The shower exhausted me to no end. I just wanted to go back to bed but I so wanted a coffee at Starbucks. I timed the shower and the bus schedule correctly. By the time I was done with my shower and got dressed, the bus was approaching. I got to Starbucks and I didn’t think I was going to have a seat but a lady left just after I ordered my coffee and I swooped in to take her seat. I got the Panama coffee today and it was good. I waited patiently for so long that I got a free drink because the barista forgot my drink after the long line of people. I thought about getting another coffee but I didn’t want to be up all night again. I worked, or tried to, on this paper that is going to be the death of me. I am trying to write this comparison paper and one of the assessments that I am comparing is confusing the hell out of me. I might nix it because it is so complicated. I seriously doubt that this tool will ever be used clinically because of its complication and averages and factors! See, even you are confused as I am writing this…
After racking my brain for an hour, I decided to get some cheeseburgers at McDonalds. And to search for Twinkies. My search didn’t yield any. I hope that I can buy them at Stop and Shop before they sell out. I can’t believe a snack that has been around for more than fifty years is out of business. I still think it’s all because of bad management of funds rather than production. But then, what do I know about the economy? Ziltch!

I have been listening to Taylor Swift for the past hour because Voldemort made a reference to her and Snape. He posted a pic of her in the “Story of Us” and it was pretty funny. He called the post Haylor. I am still cracking up over it. I know he has been the center of my delusions but he is slowly fading, even with the text tweeting. I just find some of it hilarious. Course the text about robbing Twihards houses was a little hard for me but some will find it funny. I seriously thought of just robbing my sister’s house because she was going to the movies. Her cookies would be mine for me to take, hehehe and Halloween candy! LOL I think the vicoden is making me feel goofy right now. I’m still in mega pain but as I tell everyone, if my sense of humor goes, commit me because something serious is wrong with me.

OSU is tied right now. I couldn’t sit watching the game because my ankle pain flared up. I am glad because I would have been swearing at the TV. I have planted seeds to my sisters that I want an OSU and NE hoodies for Christmas. I hope I get them, but if not I will just have to get them myself! I had my cousin get me a Georgetown hoodie. Love it so much. I am a big college football fan. My interest stems from having to watch it every Sat for two and a half months while I was inpatient for depression. That was eighteen years ago. I did not want to make it to see my nineteenth birthday and was determined not to But my plans were foiled after I overdosed. That landed me in the hospital from the beginning of November to the middle of January. I never have spent the holidays in the hospital before. Not a pleasant experience, especially being on a psychiatric unit. But once my birthday had passed, things got easier. I wanted to live and go to college. I applied and got into a medical assisting program. Course today I wish I had decided to go to a university rather than a two year school, but live and learn I guess. I am still only 9 courses short of my bachelor’s degree.