Tag: back pain

Friday Thoughts 11092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday thoughts 11092020

I’ve been in a tired mood for most of the day. I don’t want to do anything. My sister made mac and cheese and that has been all that I have eaten today. She is making some apple dessert so I can’t wait to try that.

I met with my psych. She said that I look better than I did the last time she saw me. I do feel better but I am just tired. It was good seeing her. She wasn’t so worried now that I am better. She knows the psychiatrist I will see next week. I am glad she approves. I was worried she wasn’t. She said that the guy is a good guy and I will like him. I hope so.

There are like twenty or so games left in the baseball season. Sox have won one game in their last five and are losing tonight. I didn’t think it would happen because there are only left handed hitters on the Rays lineup but doesn’t matter. They are losing by four runs in the 5th. I talked to my therapist about them yesterday and she said she has stopped following them. I can’t. I try but I just can’t do it. I have to know the results of the game. It is what keeps me going.

Yesterday’s therapy session was hard. I talked about my abuse my cousin did to me because I was flooded with memories the past few days. I have felt disgusted by the memories and more. We also talked about my cousin dying so young. We did talk about the anniversary of my last psych hospitalization. It was a year ago. I told her last year was the worst year I ever had. It took more than a year for me to recover and I don’t think I am fully recovered from it. I am still severely depressed but not as suicidal like I was. I still find it odd that I am still alive. I had such conviction to end my life last year. I honestly have no idea how I am still around. My therapist has been keeping track of the time we have worked together. I find this kind of odd because most therapists don’t do this.

I’ve been in a lot of ankle pain today. The barometric pressure is over 30 and the temps are 20 degrees cooler. Pain has gone through me like an ice pick. I haven’t hurt this much in a long time. I can hardly find a comfy spot for my ankle and foot. Seems it is ok for a little while and then pain shoots up again. I’ve tried to be careful with it when I get up to get something but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I took some gaba to try and stop the pain. I am not sure if I will have to use something else too or not. I just took some Zanaflex. That will at least make me sleepy enough so I can try and get some sleep, though if this level of pain doesn’t go down, I doubt I will be able to sleep. It is always so hard to know when you can sleep and when you can’t. I wish I could take more BT meds but I am already at my max for the day. I haven’t been great at ignoring pain today because it has been so high. I hate when pain levels are this high. It is just a gnawing kind of pain that refuses to go away. It makes it so hard to concentrate and think. Going to take some more gaba and hope for the best.

Taco Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Taco Tuesday

I really didn’t eat that much today other than having a pop tart with my second cup of coffee. I wanted tacos so I ordered some. They were just the thing to kill the hunger. My belly is happy. I have been fighting sleep the past three hours. I thought I would blog before I laid down to slumber. I went to the pharmacy today without taking my muscle relaxers. OMG I nearly died while I was in the store. I had to sit down for a bit after I was called four customers later. I wondered how I was going to get home but I made it. I had to pull the mask off when I was three houses away. I couldn’t catch my breath going up the hill. I felt like I was going to fall over at any second. I was cursing myself going out because every time I go out when I am tired this happens. Now I am exhausted. I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face. I really need to wash my face because of the cut I gave myself shaving needs cleaning so I can put Neosporin on it. I hate that I can’t shave right now because the cut is a little deep and I don’t want to reopen it accidently.

I had my appointment with my psychopharm NP. She had nose surgery so her face was all banged up. I felt bad for her. We talked about my cousin who passed away last week. She said I should write about it. There really isn’t much to write about. She died from unknown causes at this time. We will know more once the autopsy is done. I think she had a cardiac arrest. It is sad because she is the first female in my family to die suddenly. And so young; she was only 50. I will miss her. I hope she is in peace now where ever she may be.

I have one more appointment with her and it will be our last as I will be seeing a new psychiatrist next week. I hope I get along with him. I don’t like that I have to see someone new in such a short time period. I started seeing this NP last Oct and it hasn’t been a year yet and she is leaving me. I really liked her. She was good. I liked seeing her. Now I got to start over with someone new. I miss my psych so much and wish I could see her again. She said I am in good hands where I am now. I hope that she is right.

I am so exhausted I don’t think I am going to be up for the second Sox game tonight. I wanted to listen to it but I am just too tired I can’t keep my eyes open. They are playing a double header today and lost their first game. Fucking Barnes blew the save. I really despise this pitcher. He always seems to lose games. My favorite player was put on the 45 day IL list today. He won’t be back this season. Just as well.

Sunday Blog 06092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 06092020

I am post op day 10. I had surgery to remove and repair a csf leak. I thought it would be safe to shower and I was careful not to have my back on the water for too long as I still have stitches. I felt so much better after I washed up. I shaved and took a chunk of skin off my cheek. I don’t know how it happened. The razor wasn’t my friend. I got three nicks. Sucks. I had to use the nick stick twice for the nick I took skin off. Damn thing wouldn’t stop bleeding.

After I showered, I made coffee and then I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I came back home knackered. I am just so tired. Today was the first time I left the house since coming back home from the hospital. I did okay but it still is tiring to go up my street. Those five houses from the corner to my house is so damn tough to walk up that hill. I get winded. But then I get winded when I go up the stairs, too. I am not in too much pain today other than a headache that just started to get worse. I took some Tylenol when it first started. I might take some ibuprofen.

I got Tim McGraw’s new album and have been listening to it. It is pretty good. There isn’t any duets with his wife on this album. Sucks. I love their duets.

I weighed myself for the first time in a month. I lost three pounds. I haven’t been eating so great since coming home from the hospital. I haven’t had much of an appetite. Depression has been bad the past few weeks. I was OK a few days after surgery but then the anesthesia wore off and my mood plummeted. It has been low since. I have been resting because my back needs it. I am so tired of having nothing to do. I got a few appointments this week. I get my stitches out and see my therapist. I don’t know if seeing her the same day is going to be good but we’ll see. I also see my psychopharm this week. She finally agreed to put me on citalopram. I started that on Friday. It is going to take a few weeks to work. I think it will work better than sertraline as I don’t recall it giving me stomach problems in the past. I am hoping for the same this time around. I only stopped it way back when due to it being ineffective after years of taking it.

Day 8 Post Op

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Day 8 Post OP

I am still feeling sluggish and my back keeps cramping up on me. I am just going to take it easy today. I thought I would have my stitches out but the secretary called and said it was too soon. I will have it out next week. I don’t know if my surgeon will do it or the NP that works for the office. I will be glad to have them out so I can shower again. I was looking forward to it this afternoon but now I got to wait till next week. I got to wash my hair as it is grimy. I am glad it is short so it doesn’t feel dirty as fast. Also doesn’t smell. I will try and wash my hair later this afternoon. Back is hurting me too much right now after I brushed my teeth. I hate that I have a limited number of spoons a day to do things.

I want to get a new electric razor, a different style than the one I have. I found one that is wet/dry but it is $80. I can’t afford that right now so I will get it next month. I might have to budget for two months. Depends on how my finances go when I get paid next.

Most of the day I’ve been in a gender dysphoric mood. I kept thinking about if only one of my doctors or therapists had asked me about how I felt about being female if things would have changed. I dressed as a male all the time so I don’t understand why they didn’t ask. I remember when I got diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and had to go on the pill to treat it. I was terrified of what the hormone was going to do to me. I remember asking the psychiatrist and she laughed at me like it was the funniest thing ever. I hated taking such a female thing. I was highly suicidal at the time. Having this diagnosis only made me want to kill myself more. What is really getting me dysphoric today as well is that during surgery, my breast was positioned improperly so was bruised. Every movement I make with my arm, my boob hurts. Pain is driving me crazy because there is nothing I can do about it. I have always wondered if things would have been different had someone asked me about being female. I have always thought I am a male but the incongruency comes with my body being different than how I think and feel.

Back has been smarting all day. It has been spasming most of the day which has caused me severe pain in my lower back. I am taking a muscle relaxer every eight hours as they had prescribed me this while in the hospital. I am prescribed this at home as well so I didn’t have to go to the pharmacy for any of my meds. I told them I didn’t want them prescribing my pain medication because last time they screwed up the timing. I no longer get both medications at the same time, which sucks.