Tag: back pain

this is me trying

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

This is me trying

I have been having a hard day. I hardly slept. I was able to get to sleep okay last night but I woke up around midnight and found it very difficult to get back to sleep. I got a headache around 4 and I finally took something for it around 5. I then slept until my surgeon’s office called and I was cursing the phone. I didn’t answer it. I let it go to voicemail but man I was not happy. I stayed in bed until my bladder said I had to leave. I used the bathroom and then went back to sleep till around 1pm or so. I have been in a grumpy mood and memories of last year at this time have crept back. I had my last psych hospitalization last year, on International Suicide Prevention day. I made an appointment with my therapist on that day. I find it amazing that I am still alive. I was so sure I was going to die last year. I had such a horrible depression that wasn’t helped by anything.

Today’s pain is mostly in my back and ankle. My ankle got so fricken cold that if felt like it was being cut with sheets of ice. I have thermal socks on now and my ankle still hurts. The ankle bone is throbbing up a storm and the area where it is being sliced is still being sliced. It is so painful. I would take a breakthrough med but I need to hold off on it. I wish I could freely take my meds but I can’t or I will be short by the end of the month and that will be a disaster.

I feel really depressed. I hope next week when I see my psychopharm she prescribes me the citalopram. I don’t want to wait another week because my mood is just awful right now. I didn’t nap this afternoon like I wanted to. I probably would have felt better if I did. I have my T shot tomorrow so I might feel a little bit better. My blood numbers were terrible after surgery. I hope the T can stabilize some of the levels. The novelty of taking shots has worn off. I think it is because of the depression I don’t like doing it anymore. But I am going to be on T the rest of my life. I have not had the mental benefits of T. In a way being on it is its own mental relief because I am taking what I should always have. I want to be on a higher dose so that my beard can come in greater but my doc doesn’t want to increase it due to side effects. I think the benefits outweighs the risks. I don’t see her again till April of next year. I can wait till then to talk to her about it. Hopefully I will meet in person with her by then.

Since coming home from the hospital, my right arm has been bothering me. The vein is inflamed from the IV and it hurts. I asked a doctor what to do about it and she said to put heat compresses on it. I will do that later tonight because it is really bothering me today for some reason. I had a hard time getting comfortable last night. I just couldn’t position my arm so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Hope tonight is better after a heat compress.

three days post op

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Three days post op

I am home from the hospital. I came home yesterday afternoon. I am glad because my roommate was a real prick and I couldn’t stand him abusing the nurses. He would call for every little thing and if they didn’t come in the second after the call ended he would call again. So demanding. And he would shout out in pain like every fifteen minutes. It was so unpleasant. I can’t say I felt bad for him because I have been through what he went through. I know how painful the surgery was because I have gone through it. But that doesn’t give you the right to abuse someone because you are in pain. That isn’t right.

I am glad I am in my own bed. I don’t have the pain medication that I need so I need to be careful that I don’t take too much of it. I am in a lot of pain but it is bearable. I told the resident that I didn’t need any pain scripts. I will make due with what I have at home. I got a nice bruise on my hand from an IV insertion. I am glad it doesn’t hurt but it sure looks ugly. I can’t take a shower till tomorrow. I might take it on Tuesday just to be safer. I smell and I can’t stand it. I might wash up today and try and rejoin the human race. I also need to shave but I don’t know if I will be able to stand long enough to do it. Back has been tender.

I got bad Sox news this afternoon. The Sox traded one of their first basemen that I really liked. Now he is with the Padres. We got a 3B and an outfielder in the trade, which to me doesn’t make sense. We don’t need a 3B. So stupid. My cousin said to watch the Three Stooges instead of the Sox. I wanted to listen to them today but I have yet to turn on the radio. They were leading 2-0 last I checked the score. Bogey scored a 2 run homerun. He has been awesome this season. Dalbec got his first hit with a homerun!! Sox are leading 8-2. I am listening to the Sox on the Radio.com app on my phone. It is pretty cool listening to the game this way. I am glad they have permission to broadcast the games now.

I am taking the week off of therapy. I feel like I need a break. I hope it will help me be more talkative during session. I want to see if I can go two weeks without therapy. It really is up to me when I want to go back. I don’t think she will mind me taking the time off. I still am recovering from surgery. I feel okay though. I don’t feel so depressed but I don’t have that little upbeat stuff I had my first surgery. I just feel okay.

Busy Tuesday 25082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Busy Tuesday 25082020

I’ve had a busy day and it’s not completely over yet. I went to get tested for Covid. That was horrendous. I hated it but I did okay. I was in and out which was good. I caught the bus back to the Square. My barber didn’t have any openings so I went home to get something to drink and cool off a bit as well as charge my phone. After about twenty minutes I left the house again to go back to the Square to get my haircut. I wanted to go to the grocery store but my back is still spasming up a storm. There was no way I could walk around the store without pain so I ditched the plans and just came home after my haircut.

I am home now and am packing my bag for the hospital. I still got to throw some sheets in the wash. I also need to shave and shower. I got to wash my hair. Right now I am so exhausted I just want to pull the covers over me and try and nap. I haven’t decided if I am going to take my electric razor with me. If I shave today or tomorrow, I will take it with me so I can prevent a beard from growing. With this heat, I am not liking facial hair.

I didn’t wear my AFO again today. I thought I would be okay but my stupid ankle is acting up right now. Fuck. Feels like someone is trying to cut it in half. I took a BT med because what else am I going to do? I took a risk by not wearing it and now I am paying the price. I don’t know why I do this. I guess I want to test to see how far I can walk before pain hits me. I know I am fine with short distances. But longer distances like today was too much.

I don’t think I will be washing my sheets today. I am being hit with a deep wave of exhaustion and I think I will have just enough energy for a shave and shower, provided my back doesn’t continue to act up. I took preventative Zanaflex so in an hour from now I should be able to shower without issues, I hope so anyways. I still need to get my bag together. I am going to be taking my catheters with me so that if I have to use them, I will cath myself rather than a nurse. I really hope that if I do have to cath it is because of the medication they are giving me caused retention to worsen. My biggest worry is the constipation that will happen. I was loaded with a lot of stuff to go last time and it took like three days for me to finally have a movement. I am hoping to have a semi decent movement before surgery so I don’t have to be so full. But I don’t know what makes me go and what doesn’t. I can’t take senna the night before so I will have to take the senna tonight and then hope tomorrow I go decently.

I am glad my therapist is so straightforward with me. I know that I have a serious severe mental illness but in the back of my mind, I didn’t want to admit it. Hearing her tell it out loud made me realize that it is true. I am struggling with this so much. And there isn’t many meds I can be on because of stomach upset. I might go on celexa again. It was the only drug that I was on for a few years before it became ineffective. I don’t know what the new psychiatrist is going to be like. I feel sad that it isn’t going to be my psych. I wonder if s/he will be aggressive in treating my illness like the NP is. I am meeting with her (NP) tomorrow to discuss my options. I don’t know if I want to start something right before my surgery. I think I will when I am home from it all. I think it will be best to start something when I am not on so many meds from surgery. I still don’t know when I will restart therapy. I am thinking of giving myself a break and going back when I feel like it, like three weeks from now or something like that. I am sure she won’t even know that I am gone that long.

I don’t know why anxiety is crushing me right now. There have been moments in the past hour where I feel I can’t breathe. I literally have to tell myself to take a deep breath and do this a few times to calm down and feel like I am breathing again. It’s driving me crazy having these episodes. I know tomorrow is going to be worse with them because it will be one day before surgery. I half thought of killing myself before surgery just so I don’t have to go through with it. It was only a half thought but still, got me thinking. I won’t do it as much as I really want to escape from this. I just want to say that I am fine and go on with my life but I know that I will still feel like shit until the fluid collection get small enough to not bother me anymore which at this rate might be more than a year from now. It is my choice whether to keep things as they are (crummy) or to try and make things better. I hope I am making the right choice. I will find out this time Thursday evening or so.

telling it like it is

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Telling it like it is

I had therapy today and she told me how it is and I couldn’t argue with her. She said that I have severe depression with hallucinations that are sometimes commanding. I needed to be on medication, which I am not fully invested in right now because side effects have made me apprehensive. I told her she was right, that I do have severe depression that I don’t want to take care of. I am still thinking I have the mild version of depression in my head. The facts don’t support that. Throw in being suicidal and you are at a severe case as you can be. I guess because I don’t feel the heaviness of the depression all the time I feel like it has lessened.

All day my back has been spazzing. I don’t know why but it hurts and makes moving hurt even more. I somehow managed to change my sheets. I wanted to do it before my surgery. I am glad I did that. Tomorrow I will pack my bag for surgery. I am just taking a little bag with me with the essentials. I am taking some catheters with me because I don’t know how my bladder is going to be after surgery and I would rather cath myself than have a nurse do it. I am so nervous about this surgery. I need to have it done or there isn’t going to be a day where I am not needing to lie down after an activity. I already am exhausted just changing my sheets. Tomorrow I will be exhausted because I go get my Covid testing and getting my haircut. I think I am going to Uber going to and from. Depending what time I get off from testing, I will head to the Square or home. All depends on the time.

I ordered my groceries and because they merged with Stop and Shop, I wasn’t able to get all that I ordered. I am disappointed in this. I hate that I can’t get stuff that I normally used to get. Now I will have to make another trip to the store though it will have to be after my surgery. I hope that I have energy after my surgery. I know the first few days will be rough but after that I hope that I will be ok.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album. I really love it. I learn new things while listening to it. I love her voice so much. I would die if I ever met her. I have seen her in concert more than once. She puts on a good show.