Tag: back pain

not too much to ask

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Not too much to ask

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s Not too much to ask. It was a song that she did with Joe Diffie. Joe recently passed away due to the corona virus. I always loved the song.

I had therapy this morning without coffee. She said I wasn’t catastrophizing and she wasn’t sure why. I find it funny that she thinks these things. We talked about how I have skills and use them when needed. I just didn’t know I was using skills to cope with stuff. She wanted me to take in these things for when I am not feeling well. She also wants me to think about how to cope using these skills when I am having a hard time. It was a productive session even if I blanked out towards the end. I was tired and my back was hurting me most of the day today. It just hurts to move.

I didn’t receive a call from OT and hope she doesn’t call tomorrow as I don’t want to see her anymore. I just don’t think there is anything she can do for me. I am able to do stuff. I just don’t have the stamina to do it for long. I went to the store and back and I had to take a nap. I was so exhausted. My therapist thinks that because I am recovering from surgery I don’t have the emotional bandwidth that I normally have. It makes sense. I can only recover and until my body is 90% or so, I am not going to be with it. I guess that is why I have been in a weird mood, neither depressed nor happy. If I were to name it I would say that I am content, which is what I always strive for. I don’t believe in happiness. Happiness is just a fleeting emotion like everything else. Being content is what makes me feel right. I don’t know if this is going to last but I will take it. Beats being in a depressed state.

I need to shower but my back has been in spasms most of the day. Walking to the store really strained things. I have been in a state of exhaustion since coming home. I took two naps and I am still tired. Tonight I have decided that from now on, around 7 pm I am going to blog. I want to get into a routine again and seeing as I have a shit load of time on my hands I think setting a time aside to write will give me some sort of routine. If I feel like writing during another time of day, that is okay as long as I use this time to write my blog or journal or whatever. The important thing is that I write. That will be my goal each day to write. Seems simple but it really isn’t. But you got to start somewhere.

Saturday Blog 04042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 04042020

I had a successful family meeting last night. There were about 7 of us and my sister joined. I really liked talking to them. It was good that we could do this. I have to send out an invite for another meeting next Friday. I guess this could be a regular thing. The only thing that sucked was that I was deadnamed and the wrong pronouns were used throughout the meeting. I am not sure how to correct this. I think I will correct it the next meeting. My cousin liked my sideburns and facial hair. That was unexpected.

Meeting with my psych went well. I had it on my phone and once I got the audio going we were going. It was a good meeting. We got caught up and I told her how I liked the new psychopharm as she is trans and gets things with me. It is the first time that I am in a medical specialty where I don’t feel like an outsider. She liked that I am having a good level of care and she doesn’t want to mess with it. I don’t know what that means. I still want her as my doc. She said the next time I feel like chatting to hit her up and we will have another meeting. She does want me to stay in touch with her. I can’t imagine not sending her an update on me and stuff. She means too much to me to just drop all of a sudden.

I was exhausted after the family meeting. We talked for more than an hour. It was fun though. I had taken something to calm my bladder and it worked. I took another one today and it is slowing down the frequency I use the bathroom. I don’t know if I have an infection or not. Urine is clear at times so I don’t think it is an infection though symptom wise it could be a UTI. I haven’t cathed I just been voiding because the urge has been so damn strong I don’t have time to pull out a catheter to insert it.

My sister made cinnamon buns. I had a big dinner so I haven’t had one yet. I plan on it next time I go downstairs. My sweet tooth needs a fix. My CRPS foot has been flared up the past two hours so I am not keen on going downstairs at the moment. The bones in my foot and toes are hurting really bad. I took some medicine for it. It is making me drowsy. I don’t think I am going to be up that much longer. I hope to be asleep by midnight. Just hope the bladder calms down some because running to the bathroom has sucked all day. I hate that this isn’t getting better. I could take some antibiotics and see if it goes away. I have an order for it but I never filled it because it wasn’t a definite infection. I had three different cultures and they all showed different things each time. It was really frustrating. And the UA was negative each time. Monday I will go to the hospital to drop off a specimen. I will go by T as I can’t get a ride. That is going to tire me out big time but I think I will be okay. I will try and increase my activity tomorrow to see if I can walk down the end of the block and back to my house. I need to go to the pharmacy to get my meds as well. That is going to be really taxing. I thought my meds would be ready today but they are showing that it is still being filled. I will call in the morning so I can just pick it up by the afternoon. I need the meds as I need to do my boxes for the week.

writing vomit

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing vomit

I am being overwhelmed by pain right now. I think between the PT and going up and down stairs has taxed my thigh. It could also be a reaction to the testosterone as I had the shot yesterday. Thigh has been sore since giving it. I have to inject there because I can’t keep using my right thigh. I sometimes go to the TG clinic and have the nurse give the shot if I feel like my leg can’t handle it. The good news is that it will be four weeks before I have to use my left thigh again for injections. The nerve pain always makes me think something bad is happening when it is just irritated. I hate that PTSD gets activated by pain.

My niece brought up my Gatorade bottles that I ordered. I have plenty in my room now. It should last until next month. I am scared to look at my checking account because I know I am in the red again. There was no way to avoid it this month. I just have too many expenses and not enough income. If I could work part time that would help things but I can’t work at all. Just sucks that I am limited because of my physical illness.

I have been thinking of writing to my therapist but I don’t know what to say. That partly spurred this blog. I just wanted to write my thoughts because the COVID-19 shit is getting to me. I feel like I am never going to go out again except to medical appointments and that doesn’t seem right. I want to get a latte or mocha but I don’t think Starbucks is open. A friend was having serious trouble finding one for her latte needs. Everything is still shut down and I don’t think they are going to be open for another month or so. Schools are still closed. What is pissing me off most is that these states have to bid on equipment for their state. WTF. There should not be a bidding war when it comes to a person’s life for crying out loud. This is so damn wrong I hate the greed of these people. I had to mute the conversation on Twitter because it was bothering me so much. I rarely mute current events so for me to do this, you know it is bad. I muted the words for 7 days. I am sure that there are other words that will be in place instead of COVID. I know Coronavirus will be there too. It doesn’t bother me yet. But the buffoon in chief’s mishandling of everything is really going to cost American lives. So are the states that don’t have a stay at home order, like the idiots of Florida.

I invited family for a zoom meeting and didn’t get any responses to it but then I am not sure how the thing works. It doesn’t say that so and so is going just that I invited them to join. My sister thought it was tonight but I told her it was tomorrow night at 8. She said she would download it if she remembered. Great. I have my meeting with my psych tomorrow. It will be so good to see her again. I am not sure what we will be talking about. There is a lot going on yet there isn’t. I miss baseball so damn much. Sox had wallpaper of Fenway and I took one of the left field wall. It is the scoreboard and Green Monster. There has been nothing in the news about any sports other than the billionaire Kraft giving masks to the people of Massachusetts. He used the Patriots (football) plane to deliver the items from China. That is what medical personnel need is personal protective equipment (PPE). We use them in the lab all the time so I know what the term is. I can’t imagine working without that kind of stuff. Yet today the PT was in protective gear from me because of my MRSA status. I need to get cleared of it and I am not sure how. I need to ask my PCP. He works with infectious diseases so I am sure he can get me cleared as I have had two negative nasal swabs and no infections since that stupid nurse took my urine from the bag instead of the catheter.

Back has been tight all day and now I just want to rest it. I have no appointments tomorrow except for my psych but that isn’t until evening so I don’t care. She wants this to happen and I don’t blame her. I know she is worried about me. I just hope I don’t get hungry and need to make myself something to eat like last night. I have been getting hungry at night because I am not really eating during the day. I am craving an egg sandwich right now and it will be so good to make it tomorrow. I just hope my back is up for it. I boiled eggs last night and it killed me. Course with today’s rain it didn’t help my pain.

stay the fuck at home

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Stay the fuck at home

here is a funny video about the corona virus. I find it funny. It is a wonderful message. It contains swears so it won’t be safe for work.

I waited all morning for PT to come to the house. I was getting mad that she was late and didn’t call. She had said she would be here around 10 and she didn’t come until nearly 12. My head was killing me waiting. I can’t seem to sit for too long. Back tightened up after all the exercises she gave me. She wrote them down. I don’t have to see her until next week. Thank god. I don’t want to see anyone else this week.

My cousin put me in charge of organizing a zoom meeting. So I have been sending invites. I don’t know who will come or not. We have a small family on my father’s side. I got a text from one of my cousin’s who deadnamed me. I want to respond to it but she may not know I changed my name. I don’t know if she knows I am trans either. I guess we can talk about it tomorrow when the meeting happens. I think it is just going to be a few people anyways. I can’t imagine there being a lot as it is at night.

I am in a weird mood today. I feel down and out but then I feel ok only to go back down an hour or so later. I just been trying to stay afloat with something. Twitter has been a blessing and a curse today. I am informed about the virus and also who has died from it. They are starting to list doctors who have passed from the virus. It is all sad. I can only read so much before having to switch to Facebook for a little bit. But facebook is not any better for distraction because it lists the past few days events instead of today. It is so annoying. I hate the algorithm. I spend more time hiding things to get things current than actually reading stuff.

I made coffee today. I only had one cup. It is all I really wanted. It was good with my sister’s granola bars she made. Chocolate and peanut butter with oats. It was so good. I have been wanting to make an egg sandwich but my back is too stiff today to try and cook. I made boiled eggs last night and that nearly killed me. I got to have a protein though or I get hungry.

I need to take a shower but I don’t feel like it. I feel dirty for some reason. Bladder has been off the wall today with strong urges. I feel like I just make it to the bathroom on time before it lets loose on me. I hate that I got to run to the bathroom. Just makes me feel like I don’t have control. I haven’t cathed today. I just been voiding on my own because the urge has been so strong. Yesterday was a cath day. Maybe I am going like every other day cath/void. Least my urine has been clear so I know I don’t have an infection.