Tag: cauda equina syndrome

a rainy day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A rainy day of pain

It is cold and rainy today. My back has been cramping like crazy. I just gave in to meds that were better than the Zanaflex I was taking. I had to take a pain med because my ankle flared up. I don’t know why as I haven’t been on my feet that much. But I did manage a shower so maybe the water aggravated it. I don’t know what triggers the pain. If I did I would avoid doing it. I canceled PT for today because I didn’t feel up to it. I had therapy. I told her that I was having suicidal thoughts again. They have been passing thoughts, thankfully. None have stuck around long enough to do anything more than wish I was dead.

My therapist always asks what to do about helping me get better. She suggested I try meditation so I agreed to look for something that would work. She wants me to do one thing of it every day. She thinks that because I am not accepting of my illness that it is harming me. I don’t see how it can harm something that you don’t want to accept but then again, I have not fully accepted that I have a severe form of mental illness. There are parts of it that I do accept but it is hard. I have been dealing with this for more than 30 years. I have accepted that I need medication for my illness. I realized that back when I was 16. Doesn’t make it easy to take them sometimes though.

I can’t believe how much I am hurting today. I hope the way the weather is doesn’t hold that I can’t stand cold weather. I love the cold. But my body has not been so accepting of it in recent years. It gets worse with every winter. I just hope it is because of the rain my back has been cramping so damn much today. Even while laying down I have been hurting. Sucks.

Twitter has been difficult today because of the SCOTUS hearing. I don’t like the nominee and I think she will be very bad for women’s and LGBTQ rights, which is why Dufuss picked her. I bet he thought we could be fooled because she is a woman. I just hope the VP doesn’t cast the last vote like the other person. It will suck if that happens. It will all come down to the few Rs that like changing their minds last minute.

The other day I finally mailed in my ballot for the election. Now I don’t have to worry about going to the polls. I was worried that I wasn’t going to get the mail in ballot on time. I like that my mother voted this election because it was mail in. Usually she doesn’t vote. I think the turn out is going to be better in recent years because of the mail in option, least in my state anyways. I hate hearing that some ballots are being rejected because the person is POC. I hate that there is such voter suppression in certain states.

Saturday Blog 10102020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 10102020

I slept most of the day. I was up at 230 again to pee and I had a hard time getting back to sleep. I have been so tired. My back has been cramping up most of the evening. I wanted to go food shopping but never got around to it. I figured taking care of my back was more important than shopping. I also wanted to drop my recycling off in the bins but I never made it downstairs. I will try and do it tomorrow.

I got my mail in ballot the other day. I still have to go to the mailbox to drop it off. I was going to go today but I fell asleep. I will try tomorrow. My legs have been feeling weak lately and I know it is because I am not doing much activities like I used to do. All this virtual stuff is really hindering my recovery. I have virtual PT on Thurs. I might cancel it because I hate it. I rather go in person. I am only having to have virtual for the first two appointments because my sister is positive for Covid.

I finished Medical Bondage by Deirdre Cooper Owens. It was a grueling book. I found it terrible that white male physicians and surgeons would pretty much torture slave women and later Irish women because they were poor and didn’t know any better. They were treated like they were the same, low lifes that didn’t deserve proper treatment and respect to their dignity. It was horrendous to read about this but it was beautifully written. I am reading Women’s War by Stephanie McCurry and it has some of the same horrors that women faced in the Civil War south. I am almost done with the book and plan on reading UnTamed next.

I’ve let my beard grow. I haven’t been shaving for the past week or so. I have new hair growth on my chin that I want to see develop. I probably won’t shave until next week. I want to see how much it grows in that span of time. I don’t want it to get unruly like I have let it go before. I want to shave it before it gets to that point.

The weather was nice today. I went on my porch for a little bit to catch some rays. I don’t stay out too long. It would have been nice if I went to the mailbox. I wish I had the energy to go. I was just so damn sleepy. I try not to sleep too long because it messes with my night time bed time but I slept pretty good. I swear I sleep better during day time hours than I do at night time hours. I don’t know why that is.

The Latuda has been working good for me the past week. I haven’t had any side effects but one which I need to talk to the pharmacist about. If it isn’t a side effect than my bladder is just being difficult. I am taking the Invega with it as my psychiatrist wants me to for right now. I am not taking 6 mg like I am supposed to but half that. I am not risking a double whammy of side effects because he didn’t feel comfortable stopping the Invega outright.

random thoughts 08102020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 08102020

I had therapy today and it got me more depressed. I felt like she was just placating me. It was a difficult session. I told her about crapping my pants and feeling ashamed about it but she didn’t say anything. I felt like she just dismisses my physical ailments because she doesn’t know what to do about it. I am so frustrated. She wants me to fucking talk but when I do, I am not validated in what I say. I just feel so depressed about the whole thing. I don’t know why I bother going to therapy or maybe I have the wrong therapist. I don’t know. I have been working with her for over a year now. She wants to just solve all the difficulties in my life with skills and I am sorry sometimes I just need to be heard not fix what I say.

We agreed I should write more and frankly, I am tired of trying to write because I get stuck often and it is difficult to continue writing. I often write something emotional and then have to stop writing because I get overwhelmed. Then I can’t go back to what I was writing. I get very frustrated with this. So I think my solution is to try and write a in a letter format. I think that if I try writing to someone, say my therapist, it might be easier. So if you should see a “Dear Therapist” post, know that it is just me trying to write my emotions better.

Took a shower today and it killed my back. I have been in agony since. It is so frustrating. Because my sister tested positive for Covid, I am having a virtual session of PT tomorrow. I am trapped in my house. I need to go food shopping again because we are out of ketchup. My cousin hasn’t called me to go and I am getting annoyed having to wait for him to call me. He said that if he felt like taking me he would call me so I guess he hasn’t felt like taking me because he hasn’t called. Fuck.

I’ve been in an irritable depressed mood since therapy. My mother and sister were arguing while I was in session and I just got depressed about it. They always seem to be arguing lately. I hate it when they argue because my mother gets so mad and I worry with her heart condition.

I am so exhausted because I didn’t sleep well last night due to pain. I started falling asleep sitting up and stayed that way until I woke up with my neck hurting and then I laid down. I slept a couple of more hours before I woke up again to pee. I then stayed up for an hour or so before I went back to sleep only to wake up a couple of hours later. I gave up sleeping because I had my therapy appointment and I didn’t want to oversleep. I had coffee and that sort of woke me up a little bit. I tried a new Pop Tarts thing called crisps. It was okay but not filling. I will have a regular pop tart next time.

got my flu shot

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Got my flu shot

I finally got my flu shot today. I hope that I don’t get sick from it. I didn’t last year when I got it but my arm was sore as hell for a few days. I wanted to get it yesterday but I wasn’t feeling well. My stomach was going insane. I had to stay near a bathroom so didn’t want to take a chance of leaving the house. I am tired now from the short walk. I didn’t think I was going to make it home. I got really winded and my legs were aching. I had to stop midway from my house. I hate that I am still not 100% from surgery. I am only six weeks post op.

I am listening to Hamilton again. I know I usually listen on Saturdays but it was on my playlist so I just played it. I love the soundtrack. It is so good.

Today I learned that my youngest sister has Covid. She is asymptomatic right now. My middle sister and mother will be tested tomorrow. I am nervous because both sisters went to Vegas and just came back. I hope that she won’t be positive too but you never know with this damn virus. If she is positive, I will get tested.

I am a nervous wreck with not knowing right now. I haven’t been sleeping. The trip to the pharmacy to get my flu shot really made me tired. I am fighting sleep right now. It is late and I don’t want to sleep because I know I will be up at like 2 am. I texted my therapist to let her know. She said she gets it. She wants me to get tested but I will if the sister I live with (middle sister) tests positive. I haven’t been around my youngest sister that much so I think I am safe. I just worry if my mother has it. It will kill her as she has a lot of health issues. I hope she doesn’t freak out when she is tested. It isn’t a pleasant test.

I am sad to hear about Eddie Van Halen. I loved him back in the 80’s when they were at their peak. His guitar playing was unheard of. He was so damn good. I am also sad to hear about Johnny Nash. I loved his music too. My mother has a vinyl record of his. I should play it, if I can find it.

My back has started to cramp up again. Damn thing cramps up on me every day. I take stuff for it but it doesn’t matter, I still get the cramps. They are so debilitating. I am definitely going to bring this up when I see my surgeon in a couple weeks. Maybe he can prescribe me something to take them away or maybe increase the dose of what I am taking. I should email my neuro and let her know. She might be able to do something for me. She wants to be posted about my progress and stuff. The only thing that sucks is that I don’t have bowel control like I used to. I have crapped my pants one too many times since my second surgery. I had a bowel accident yesterday morning that just turned into a shit day, not really colon blow but I had diarrhea and it was hard to control my movements. I hate that I have nerve damage to my bowel. It really sucks.