Tag: CES

burst of energy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Burst of energy

I had slept through my alarm to go to PT. I only woke up when my PT called me wondering if I was okay. I had seen her before and she knows I don’t skip appointments without calling or emailing her why I didn’t show up. Once I was semi fully awake, I called the office and told them I slept through my alarm. My PT wanted me to come in sometime this week but all they had was morning times and I am not doing well with morning times so declined. They had an opening next week in the afternoon so I opted for that. I will have two sessions next week but that is okay. We can adjust if we need to.

I needed coffee. I made a cup, a big one, and had a slice of leftover pizza. I then went up to my room. I wanted to clean one corner of my room that I have been neglecting forever. I had started sorting through when I had an avalanche a few months ago but I just haven’t had the energy to do anything else but throw the mess somewhere else in my room. I have a bag of clothes that need to be washed and some shit on the floor that needs to be picked up and tossed. I found one boot but no idea where its mate is. It might be in the closet. Also found a dress shoe, its mate also missing. My back finally cried uncle so I stopped. When the spasms cleared and the pain subsided a bit, I went downstairs for dinner. My mother and I planned to have hot dogs and tater tots but I wasn’t going to cook. My back and foot would kill me and I want to finish what I started. I have a shit ton of boxes. I am going to keep like three to put the books on the floor in and then bust the other down so they will fit in the recycle bin. I will also get rid of my trash and recycles. I also need to bring the good will stuff to the bin a few blocks away. I found some clothes and things I no longer use. Once I can access the closet, there might be more so I don’t want to bring the stuff there yet. Once the rug is cleared, I will vacuum and then if I am able to move my heavy mattress, get vacuum up the dust bunnies behind my bed.

Yesterday I was sort of participating in BPD chat. We talked about DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I said that I had the binder that I was given when I was “forced” to go. Back then in 1999/2000 it was the “thing” for self-harm and borderline personality disorder. I don’t have BPD, but I had some traits at the time. I no longer do as I no longer meet any of the criteria. Anyway, last night I tried to get the bin under the bed that has the binder, I think. But my bed has sunk and I couldn’t get it out. I have no idea if the mattress and box spring sunk into the rug or the frame of the bed tilted because I am always on my bed.

My foot is already starting to be a brat. Last night after the football game, I was listening to music on my phone. I had to charge it so I placed the phone on my lower leg and OMG it set off fucking pain. The vibration from the phone traveled to my foot and it started vibrating. Then pain started and I didn’t go to sleep till after 330 am, hence why I missed my PT appointment. I wrote to my psych, like I always do when pain is bad. Think I told her my plan for killing myself. She didn’t respond with police at my door or a response to the email so not sure she found it concerning. I didn’t say specifics, I never do, but I do have some things in place for when I feel I can do it.

I haven’t heard from my TG doc yet. I do have my blood work back and I am so happy my hematocrit is up. This is your red blood cells and basically determines if you have anemia. I have always been around 30 but I am up to 36.5! I have never been that high before so the T is producing blood cells in my bone marrow! Maybe that is why I had a bit of energy to tackle my room. I just hope I can tackle the boxes. I have been meaning to for weeks now and they are still there. I want to break them down so they fit in the recycle bin better or at least can be tied up to put out on trash day. We’ll see. Will be a lot of work, but I can’t do that now as my back hates me. Standing and moving my upper body just hurts. Maybe I can sit and do it using the folding chair I have. Once I have that done, I will try to do the area in front of my bookcase and desk. I got to get rid of my old desktop. I had formatted it but never installed the drivers right so everything is huge. It is more than 10 years old. I know some computer places will take them for a fee. Might do that and also get rid of my old laptops that no longer work. I will gladly toss the POS in with it. Fucking waste of $300. For $400 more I could have the laptop I have now and not have a headache!

Saturday Blog 15 Dec 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 15 Dec 18

I just realized the month is half-way over and I have yet to change the calendar to Dec. Oh well. I didn’t sleep yesterday. I was up for about 21 hours since Thursday and then tried to crash when I got home from my psychiatrist appointment. Because I didn’t sleep and wake up as early as I wanted to, getting a urine sample proved to be impossible. After 2 hours, I left and the emailed my psych telling her I would drop it off Monday. She said the blood and urine had to be same day. Oh well. Next time, I won’t go to the lab unless I know I am going to pee because my damn bladder retention sucks! And it gets worse when it sees a cup or there are noises around. I just can’t relax to go. I tried and tried and nothing was working. I even went to another building’s bathroom and nothing! So hard. Then when I got home, it took a while to pee. I have been feeling off. I really didn’t eat anything yesterday except a protein bar at 3 or 330 am. I just wasn’t hungry. I wanted to have a burrito when I came home but I wanted to sleep, too. I had another protein bar and then took my night meds an hour early though I really didn’t get to sleep until my mother went to bed, like usual.

I was fricken freezing since I came home and could not get warmed up. I had to put the Red Sox throw on my bed. That helped. But then in the middle of the night, I had to take it off because I was fricken hot. I was able to go right back to sleep and then a couple hours later, I woke up with my bladder ready to explode. Oh now you work??!! It was 5 am. I went downstairs and then went back up. I checked my phone for messages and surprisingly, I laid back down and passed out again. I woke up again a few minutes before my morning med alarm. I took my meds and used the bathroom because my bladder was ready to explode again. I thought I would eat but I was too tired. My mother was cleaning out the back porch so the living room was a disaster area. I didn’t see her. I just used the bathroom and then went back up to bed. I wanted to make cookies but I fell back to sleep and then when I woke up, I was too tired to do anything. My stomach was bothering me, probably for lack of food. I went easy. I had some toast. Then made some ramen noodles and a cup of tea. I started sneezing in the kitchen after I ate. Some thing was making me sneeze but I have no idea what. I went back upstairs hoping to finish editing my book but was too tired. I took another nap. I was cold and hot off and on. My throat was hurting but it was okay swallowing. I think my mother stirring up the dust on the porch just set off my allergies. Or I am getting a cold. So much for testosterone causing energy. I haven’t had a decent sleep routine since the Sox won the World Series. I am either not sleeping or sleeping too much. If I was hypomanic, that would explain some things but I am not. I feel down most of the time. Maybe it is depression. I don’t see my psychiatrist until after the new Year.

After my psych appointment, I got my haircut again. I want to start shaving the sides and back again. When I am going to start this again, I don’t know. I wanted to start today but I don’t feel like it. I need to shower. One thing that might be gross to say is that my sweating has changed. I stink more now than I did before. I showered Wed and I smell like I haven’t in a week. I was so tired yesterday that when I came home, I didn’t even wash my hair so if there are hair clippings on my bed, I don’t care. I will try to shower tomorrow. I know I am just playing sleep catch up since I slept poorly yesterday and then was basically on the go all day. I left the house around 930 and didn’t come home till around 5ish. Long day on 3 hours sleep and no food.

I thought with the start of my transition and taking selfies, it would make me not think I am an ugly faced person. But I was going through my gallery of pics and all I kept saying was how awful I look in the pics, even with me semi-smiling. I was going to show off my haircut but I really didn’t feel like it. I wasn’t feeling well anyways. I would just look like a grump.

Sadness over madness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

There was yet another shooting in the US. A hospital in Chicago lost an ER doc because of her fiance. We don’t know details because he is dead. An officer and a pharmacy tech were also killed. I am so sad over this. Docs are mad continues to happen while those in government do nothing. is becoming an every day thing. Innocent people are losing their lives because someone decides to take a life with a gun. I honestly think the more this is broadcasted the worst it will be. People must be thinking it is “ok” to do this, everyone is. Makes me so mad and sad.

I had to cancel my therapy appt last minute because I was stuck at the hospital trying to give a urine sample. My bladder was retaining so damn fucking bad. I felt I had to go. I knew I had to go. I had drank more than 1000 mLs of fluid. I was full or close to it but no, I wasn’t overflowing so nothing was coming out. I tried everything. It was so noisy in the lab. Soon as I went to a quieter bathroom, I finally was able to pee. I then had to walk back to the lab to drop off the sample. There was no way I would be on time. I would have like 15 minutes with him and that would be it. I hate having to cancel. Stupid bladder.

When I walked back to the station to go home, my heel was killing me. I don’t think it is plantar fasciitis. I am starting to think the steps I take are to harsh on my heel. It is so inflamed right now. I bought some gel inserts to try. I don’t know what else to do. My feet are freezing so I am not about to put ice on. I probably should. But with the whole CRPS thing, I fear I am causing damage than helping it.

My blood tests came back. My sodium is still low but higher than it was. My pcp sent me a letter but didn’t tell me if I need to keep doing the restrictions or not. Ugh. Idiot. So I emailed him back. Hope to get an answer tomorrow. I see him next week so will probably recheck my values again.

I was so damn exhausted. I ate a sandwich and then I passed out. I have no idea how long. I woke up with a bladder yelling at me. It was ready to explode. I was so disoriented. It was around 6 I woke up so I don’t think I slept too long. I was not rested. I just wanted to take my meds and go to sleep. But i was so cold. It was freezing in my room. It is a little warmer now. It is raining again. We are supposed to have a snow rain mix tomorrow. That is going to be fun as i got to go see the pain program social worker. I am going to be blunt like i usually am. I only had one session and canceled 2. I really don’t care anymore. I am not feeling well. I emailed the PT and OT about why I couldn’t make it. I am not doing the stretches at all anymore because it flares up my foot. I had a million and one pains last night. It was awful. I hadn’t hurt that bad in a while. Then when I was just about to doze off, my body jerk, causing my left rib cage to hurt. It was such a bad night. I have no idea how I got up this morning at 9 to be out of the house by 1030. I didn’t shower as I knew that would tire me out. I wish I went to therapy. The whole thing makes me want to quit. Like why bother seeking help when I have so much wrong with me.

My thoughts are with those employees of that hospital in Chicago. What a terrible thing to happen. It happened at my workplace. A secretary shot a cardiologist one morning. I was glad I was off that day. Total mayhem with police and news crews. The news were camped out for like a week. So stupid. Hope they all can talk about it so it doesn’t cause PTSD for them. That is my theory anyway. But sometimes it doesn’t work and does more harm than good.

Hope my pain eases and I sleep. Night all.

26-Aug-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

26 Aug 18

Didn’t write a blog yesterday. I did a lot of stuff once my groceries delivered. I then crashed around 1430 and I was done for the day. My mother called me for dinner and it took me a half hour to get up and eat something. I stayed up for a little bit but didn’t feel like writing. The Sox were bombing at the Trop. Someone or something jinxed them and they lost their first series of the season. It was Player’s Weekend and their jerseys were horrible. I hated the hats. Tampa Bay was so much worse. They have tomorrow off and I hope it rests them a bit.

I wanted to bake something today but I went back to sleep after I used the bathroom and woke up late. By then it was hot as hell in the kitchen. I just made a sub for lunch. Then ordered some Burger King for dinner. I don’t usually eat BK, but it has been a long while since I had the whopper and onion rings so I figured why not. The delivery guy got lost. The place is not far from my house. It is like 3 lights and boom, my house is there. But he said his GPS was wrong or something. I don’t know. My food was cold so I didn’t enjoy it as I would have. I probably won’t order again. I like McDonalds anyways.

I did my med box for the week. I got aggravated because I knew the damn female hormones were on my bed in the clutter. I started throwing shit off my bed to find it. I am so annoyed. When I do clear it off, and change my sheets, nothing is going there again. Course I said that last time and it didn’t work. I got to try and keep that corner of my bed clear because it is a bitch to clear off. Maybe I will just get a box and throw shit in there rather than put it on my bed. I don’t know. I have to change my sheets as the foam topper is annoying the fuck out of me. I am going to duct take that shit to my mattress and hope it works. I honestly don’t know what to do. My next step is to get another mattress or foam thing. I will have to get it at a mattress store. There is one mattress that comes in a box and it has memory foam. It is like $600 or so. I have to look into it as it isn’t like a Serta or Therapeutic thing. I think it is called Lull. It was a stupid ad on Instagram that sucked me in. So now all the box mattresses ads are coming at me. I just want a quality mattress that will last more than a few years and stay within my budget. But this topper likes to slide off the bed as I am getting up. I don’t notice it until I get back on an there is less space between the foam and my nightstand. Both corners of my sheets are off so I can shove the thing where it is supposed to be. That is why I am worried the tape isn’t going to work. It will just slide off, come undone or something. If they sold huge amounts of superglue I would buy it to adhere the topper to my mattress. But it might be time to get another one and call the $60 a waste. The $100 one I bought like 15 years ago lasted me a long time. I only had to give it up because it was old and coming apart. Foam was sticking to my sheets and it was just gross. Now this one isn’t staying on the damn bed! If anyone has a foam topper they love, please comment and tell me what it is!

Was talking to my barber buddy. I showed him a pic of the back of my head as I just shaved it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought but he told me I should stop for a few days and then show him again to see how it looks. Then I see my barber for a line so I can use as a guide and sort of fix it. The top is getting to be the length I want it to be and should be by the time of my cousin’s wedding. I want the top spiked and the sides and back shaved. I honestly have no fucking idea how I am going to go to this wedding, with a week full of appts, and then a concert the next fucking night. I am already having anxiety over this. My sister spent good money on the tickets so I don’t want them going to waste. This is why I am so damn angry with the pain doc because if he fucking increased the dose, I wouldn’t be worrying. I would be covered. But the guy is an asshole. I still have no idea how I am going to deal. And it is a long car ride to the wedding and to the stadium so that got me nervous, too. I don’t know if we are coming home the night of the wedding or not. My sister was talking about getting a hotel near the stadium but not sure if that is still the plan. I just will be having a shit load of pain meds on me and limit my alcohol intake. Just one or two drinks will be my limit. I don’t know if my cousin that moved to Texas will be there. He is like the male version of the lunatic, but 4 notches down and can be reasonable. I really love him as he is gay and has been open in the family for a while. He just got married to his lifetime partner. They are a cute couple. I know I am going to feel like an outcast at this wedding. I always do with events on my mother’s side of the family. I don’t know if it is because I don’t hang around as much as my sisters do or what, but I always feel like a stranger.

My sprained ankle was causing me pain this morning. I did some exercises but not all because it hurt. My other ankle is a bitch and a half so I just hope it doesn’t flare up later like the dickhead it is.