Tag: chronic illness

having a meltdown in the middle of a heatwave

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Having a meltdown in the middle of a heat wave

Today I snapped with the heat. I just cannot take it anymore so I am staying in my room to freeze to death. I cannot stand the hotness and humidity that has been going on all week. I haven’t been able to get my prescription. My brother in law will get it later today. I have been without my meds the past three days. And my ankle is killing me. It hurts so much that I can’t do a damn fucking thing. I wish I could wake up from this night mare but it has been so fricken hot I don’t think I will see a cold day until winter, whenever that is. I don’t ever remember temps being this high before. It doesn’t help that the house doesn’t have AC. I think if it did I wouldn’t be so ornery. I am passed my breaking point and the only place I can be is in my room because that is where the AC is. I wanted to get my hair cut today but I have no energy and besides, I can’t walk right now with my ankle being sore.

I feel this horrendous pressure to do something but I don’t know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed. I brushed my teeth for the first time in days. I just haven’t been with the whole self care/self hygiene stuff this week. It has been too hot. I really want to shave but I have no energy to sit in the hot bathroom. The whole house is sweltering hot and my mother doesn’t care. I just want to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping and or been having bad dreams. Right before I woke up I dreamt about chicken wings and how there were pans and pans of them in some religious order. We cooked them but we couldn’t eat them because they were plastic. My brain on a heatwave.

Last night was BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sox won 13-2 against the Orioles. Nasty Nate was nasty. I bought batteries for my radio because I don’t know where the plug is for the radio. I thought I put it in the battery compartment but it’s not there. Another annoyance in this heat. I should get the batteries today I hope. Then I can listen to the game all season, all 60 games.

I want a coffee but I don’t want to leave my room. I just want to freeze and think about shaving. Maybe I will shave in my room. I will dry shave though I don’t know how I will rinse the razor. Ok poor planning on my part. Maybe that isn’t a good idea. I just want this stubble off. It is annoying me. I have one big zit on my jawline that hurts and little ones all throughout my beard. I think the heat just created this I need to wash my face but I don’t want to leave my room unless it is going to a cooler part of the house which there is no cooler part of the house. I wish my mother had AC in the house. This is ridiculous that every summer we got to sweat our heads off. I am so fucking mad at her. She got her prescription at the pharmacy but didn’t get mine. Now I am without meds.

I talked with my psych the other day. We had a mutal meeting and she is now an associate of mine. She isn’t my doctor anymore but we know each other and care for one another. She wants me to write a book and I laughed. She asked why I was laughing and I said it was because it was funny. I can’t write a book. I have no idea what the hell to write. I can barely write a blog daily. Book writing is different though. I just don’t know what I want to write. I still have hopes of writing a baseball history book. I want to do that but I don’t know how. I have never written a history book and it has been quite some time since I wrote a history paper. I need to look it up and see what is out there. And if the market will support the book.

I am so bloody tired. I just want to fucking sleep. Or lay down. That is all I have been doing the past three days. I haven’t left my room except to use the bathroom and eat. I need a haircut. I wanted to get it done today but that is not happening unless it is 2 degrees outside. I am falling asleep. I am just so damn tired from this godforsaken heat. My brother in law is cutting the grass so I am getting fresh cut grass smell through my AC. I love the smell of fresh cut grass. I hate feeling so lifeless. Everything is a fucking effort right now and I can’t stand it. I really want to shower but it is too fucking hot. I don’t care if I drink all my lemon lime Gatorade today. I only got 10 of the 20 I ordered. I am not happy about this but maybe during the week I can go to stop and shop and get some more. I will see if my cousin can take me if this heatwave cools off. I am not going out in this fucking mother fucking heat. I just am not doing it. It better be 20 degrees next week or I am going apeshit.

I want to shave my fucking face so I can get rid of the zits that are there. My beard is so uncomfortable. I hate it. I want to be clean shaven again. Least the bathroom has a cool vent so I can be some what comfortable. I just need the fucking energy to do it. I want to fucking nap so hard right now. I am listening to Linkin Park because I need some music that isn’t Hamilton right now. I took an Ativan because I need to fucking chill right now. I am just so upset over the heat and there is nothing I can do about it. I want the batteries to the radio so I can listen to the fucking game again. I miss hearing it. Last night I wanted nothing more than to listen to it and I was denied. The batteries are on their way so I can listen to the radio this afternoon. I will listen to some part of the game today even if it is the last part of it. I miss baseball so much.

I had a bran muffin for breakfast and as far as I am concerned that is the only thing I will eat today. I don’t fucking care. I had my coffee with it and I might make another coffee. I want coffee today and I don’t care if it gives me the jitters.

They just published a study where those with psychotic depression did better with ECT than those with non psychotic depression. I still am not going to lose my memory because I value my memory more than anything. And it was a 10 year old study so I don’t see how the results are new. I put my AC on high so I can freeze and be under a blanket with the AC on. I want to freeze so bad I feel like taking my shirt off. My ankle is feeling the cold more than any other part of my body right now. I hate that it is so sensitive to temperatures. I don’t want to put on a thermal sock on. I don’t want to wear thermal socks in a heat wave. I will flip out.

productive day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Productive day

I did some productive things today, including writing this blog. I made breakfast and coffee. I wanted another cup but I might have one in the afternoon. I then got dressed and mailed out the voter registration cards that I needed to mail. It was a nice walk as it was cooler today than it has been past four days. I still got out of breath by the time I came back to my house. I had to take the mask off to breathe properly. I hate that I am still getting winded while walking.

Only think left for me to do is empty the recycling in my room. I might do that this afternoon. I just hope there is still room in the bin. I might shower later. I stink. I haven’t showered since Sunday. But I am tired so I don’t think I am going to.

I have been in a funk the past few days. My mood has been really low. It has been like this for the past week or so. I stopped taking the duloxetine because it was upsetting my stomach and now that I am off the Invega, I feel “off”. I still get the shakes but I think it is because I am cold as I get a chill from the AC. I love being cold but not too cold. My therapist doesn’t know I have stopped my meds. She is not going to be happy when I tell her tomorrow. I just hope my shopping comes in before the appointment. I really am not looking forward to the conversation as she gets concerned. I don’t meet with my psychopharm until next week. I am not sure what I will be on. I am not having symptoms right now so I don’t want to be on anything. The depression will always be there. I wish I didn’t get sick from the duloxetine. It was finally working for me. I don’t have any other antidepressant to go to now. All the others make me sick.

Today was my shot day. I hit another vein when I injected. Blood was everywhere but luckily I didn’t get any on the bedding. I feel so wiped out right now. I guess all the energy I had wore off. I want to nap and I might. I really don’t want to because I did that all day yesterday. Yesterday I couldn’t stay awake even if you paid me. I was so damn tired. It was so damn hot out. I haven’t been sleeping good. I just been sleeping in increments. I don’t know why I can’t sleep more than 4 or 5 hours straight. I keep waking up with weird dreams. My REM is short, 45 mins rather than 90 mins. I have sort of timed it once. I don’t know why it is so short but it sucks as I don’t get the sleep I need.

Last night I was feeling suicidal again. I was just in a rotten mood. Today is better but I feel restless. I don’t know why I feel like I am so shaky. Could be withdrawal from the medication from last week. I hope it passes because I hate feeling cooped up inside myself. That is the best way to describe how I feel. I wish the walk I took today helped calm me down some but it didn’t. I think I am just going to empty my recycle to get some exercise and get my mind off things. I might watch some of the TV show that I am into. I haven’t watched it in months. Sucks because I am paying for it yet I am not watching the shows. I just am not too interested in TV. I rather read a book or listen to music. I am still listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack. I got my four favorite songs that I listen to all the time. I sometimes pick a song and then listen to the rest of the musical until I hear It’s Quiet Uptown. I think the musical should have ended there rather than with Hamilton’s death but I don’t make the rules.

I need to get my haircut. I think I will get it done on Friday. I don’t think I have energy for it today and tomorrow my groceries are going to be delivered so I won’t have time then. I also have therapy. I just hope the groceries come before my appointment.

Sunday’s thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday’s thoughts

I woke up feeling shaky again. I just wanted to sleep today but forced myself to sit up and face the day. It is really hot out and I am retreating to my room for most of the day as it is the only place that is cool. I also forced myself to shower. It was quick and I feel better and am much less stinkier. My brother in law is mowing the grass so I am getting whiffs of it. Smells nice on a day like today. I just hope he doesn’t get burnt like he usually does in hot weather.

My back has been spasming since showering. I just took a Zanaflex to calm it down some. I wonder if part of the shakiness is because I stopped taking the Cymbalta a week ago and the antipsychotic in the same week. Hate that these meds have these side effects on you. You really put up with a lot but I guess it is better than being psychotic at times. Right now I would rather feel psychotic than shaky and have uncontrollable hands/arms.

I did my meds for the week. I nearly forgot last week. I don’t understand how I can forget as I do it nearly the same time every week but I guess there is always a chance of forgetting. I don’t even remember what I was doing last week. I just have time go by and I get lost with it. I have been listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack the past week. It is such a good musical. There are like four songs that I have on repeat. Helpless, Satisfied, Burn, and It’s Quiet Uptown. I love these songs. I think they are the best of the best though I woke up with Washington on your side in my head this morning. I have snippets of songs go through my head and I have to listen to the song to get it out of my head.

I can’t take the shakiness anymore. It is driving me nuts. I don’t know why I am feeling so damn shaky. I feel like I am withdrawing from something. I have taken little doses of Cymbalta thinking it is serotonin related but I get no relief. It is awful. I don’t know what this shakiness is about. I am still sore from all the shaking that happened Friday morning. It was awful that I was up all night with side effects and nothing was working. I was alternating Benadryl and Ativan and still wasn’t getting relief. I should have had relief so I think it is part of the Cymbalta withdrawal. I just hope I will be getting better soon.

Today is my blogging anniversary! Happy 8 years!

Thursday’s Thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thursday’s thoughts

I am not thinking of much right now. I have about a half hour before therapy. I nearly slept through my PT appointment. Thank goodness she called me. I glanced at my phone and saw it was 11 but I didn’t get up because I forgot about the appointment. We had it with time to spare. I got three new exercises to do while in bed. That will be good on days I don’t feel like going to the kitchen to do my sitting up and standing ones. She thinks she can improve my stamina while walking. I told her I am thinking of surgery to drain the fluid pocket that is causing me so much trouble. She wants me to think about it and she will be there to help me get back to “normal”, whatever that is. I just know that I don’t want to huff and puff while walking somewhere. If I can accomplish that, I will be in good shape.

Therapy went well. I will be trying a new sleep routine as I have had severe insomnia the past few nights. I hope that I can stick to it. We also talked about how frustrating it is that I am still not better after all this time. And about having possible surgery. She said not to go down the bad thought road as that might make me more susceptible to a bad outcome after surgery. I am trying not to think of this at all but I am facing it as I don’t know if the steroids will work for good this time. I am not sure what will happen after Monday. I am so tempted to just get the MRI and have the talk of surgery. I feel that if I have the MRI and see if the fluid collection gets smaller with this course of steroids. Only side effect I am having is stomach upset. I just take Mylanta when it is bad. It helps. We also talked about my psych. I was expecting her to be judgmental but she wasn’t. I am glad as I was nervous bringing it up. She needs to know that I am in contact with her because there is a chance I will be seeing her again as my psychopharm. I didn’t tell her how my appointment with the NP psychopharm went. I was sworn to confidentiality about what we talked about. It was upsetting and I am not sure she will be sticking around come the fall. I really don’t want to lose another provider but she needs to do what she needs to do.

I need to shower but I haven’t had the energy to take it. I did trim down my beard as it was getting itchy. I wanted to shave it all off but I held back as I would have to shower afterwards. I might do it after I write this blog. I plan on seeing my barber tomorrow so would like my hair to be washed. I also plan on going to Starbucks for a damn mocha. I have been having severe Starbucks withdrawal since the pandemic started and I was in no shape to be traveling to the stores anyway as I was just recovering from surgery. Hell I am still recovering from surgery and it is frustrating as all hell. I just hope PT is able to help me lead a better life than what I am currently experiencing. I can’t take another mishap. Which is why I am not looking forward to another potential surgery in the upcoming weeks. Just really hoping that the steroids work. PT is optimistic that because the steroids are systemic they should work. I hope she is right because I don’t think I can face another surgery.

My step count is at 316. I have 84 steps to make 400 for the day. I think I can do it if I try. I will be going downstairs more. I just been leaving my room to eat and use the bathroom. I haven’t been walking around the house that much. I will later. I am certain I can do 84 steps or more by the end of tonight.