Tag: chronic illness

Sox are ALDS Champs!!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sox are ALDS Champs!!!!

OMG last night was a nail biter of a game. The ninth inning, I was chatting with two friends about it and then it turned almost into a disaster. I didn’t want them text/messaging me. I just wanted to focus because I wasn’t watching, I was listening to the radio. Typing and listening can be difficult. Kimbrel was almost struck in the head as he came out of the bullpen by a fucking Yankee fan with a can of beer. I am sure that rattled his nerves some and it showed. He loaded the bases and couldn’t get an out. He got one out, then a run scored. Then he walked a run. The score was 4-3 at this point and he needed one more out. I was at the point where I wasn’t going to have nails anymore. Ready to get the clipper out and just hack away (I don’t bite my nails as that is gross). I do pick at my cuticles, which is probably worse, but hey, this is a playoff game. He finally got the final out with a ground ball, which was reviewed and the call standed. Game over! Red Sox win!! I went crazy! I was so damn happy. I changed my wallpaper to the Sox instead of just black.

I couldn’t sleep as the tension was too much. Pain was there but not so great as it was the other night. Between 12-1230 am I thought someone set off firecrackers. Found out today that it was gun shots. No one knows who did it or where or if someone was shot. It was at the end of my street. My sister told me the police was going to our yard to look for casings. Just wonderful!!

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0330, again! I didn’t put the do not disturb on as I didn’t have anything to do today. I canceled therapy. I was going to call some therapists but I haven’t brought myself up to actually do it. The alarm went off and I took my meds and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I hear my doorbell ring but I thought my mother was home, not that she could go down the stairs but if she needed me to, I was there. I didn’t hear her call me and she didn’t call my phone so I just lay there. Then my sister called me and told me what happened. She called again asking me to bring her packages inside. I opened the door and there were four boxes on the porch. WTF. Two were for her and two were for my mother. I didn’t carry my mother’s up. They were light but I was just lazy. I needed coffee and something to eat.

I ended up eating the last of the chocolate cake with my coffee. I showered afterwards. My mother must have gone to a doctor’s appointment because the showerhead was on top not in the holder on the side (we have the flexible showerhead). She doesn’t like it but tough shit. She said she got water everywhere. I asked if she had the curtain covering the sides of the shower and the curtain inside. She said no. Well, there you go. She had also turned it to the side so no wonder the water leaked out. I know the shower flex thing we have is not going to last. She is going to find another showerhead and use that. But it has to be $20 or less because that is what it should be (SMH). I just hope she doesn’t put the damn basket she has back in the shower seat because I like actually sitting down while I need to shower. She just doesn’t get it that I am disabled, too. Though she will never think of herself as disabled. Pisses me off. I will take the damn basket and throw it away. I don’t care some of it is my stuff. I don’t want it on the seat.

Today is day 4 that I have been off female hormones. I haven’t shown signs of bleeding and I hope that I don’t. I think it will be a few more days before I know I am out of the woods or maybe a week. I hope that with my shot next week will boost up the T and decrease my stupid female stuff. I really don’t want my menses. They suck.

Loving Do Not Disturb Function

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Loving Do Not Disturb function

I was up late, most from the exciting win of the Sox and then pain being stupid. I have no idea what time I fell asleep. I know it was after 0330. I had decided to put the Do Not Disturb on my phone as I didn’t want the med alarm to wake me up. I couldn’t fudge the time because it was too early in the morning and the app only allows you to adjust the time within an hour of it going off. So when I woke up at noon, it was too late to take my meds.

I wanted to make my pumpkin cake but it was humid and I didn’t want to turn on the oven. I had to go food shopping for my mother at a grocery store I don’t normally shop at. That meant taking a few buses to get there. I had some coffee and then realized I could take the other bus rather than the bus that goes to the Square. But when I figured this out, the bus was coming in like 7 minutes and I didn’t want to rush. I left around 1330 and didn’t get home till 1630. I had to stop at the pharmacy to get my meds that weren’t in yesterday.

My pain was okay today. I’ve just been taking the breakthrough med when I need it. It didn’t help that I rolled over a toe on my foot with the bag I was using when I got in the house. I didn’t bruise it, or at least the bruise hasn’t shown up yet. I hope it doesn’t. I had to have something to eat as I was starving. I fixed up a chicken sandwich and then had a piece of the chocolate cake I made the other day. It was still moist. It came out pretty good. I guess Betty Crocker is better than Duncan Hines. I never noticed a difference before.

Game 4 of the ALDS is tonight, in about 1.5 hours from now. I am nervous because Porcello is pitching and he can either be hit or miss. Holt isn’t playing tonight but I found out that is because he does really bad against the Skankee pitcher. I feel better knowing this because he had such a hot night last night. I just hope the Sox can have some hits and runs tonight like they did last night. I really don’t want them coming back to Boston to play another game. I want this to end with tonight’s game! Just to rub it in their face in the Bronx. But if it goes to game 5, it goes to game 5.

Early wake up so feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Early wake up so feeling like shit

Yesterday I woke up early but I only slept for about 3-4 hours. I didn’t go to bed till around 4-430 am because pain was keeping me up. I kind of woke up okay. I had breakfast and coffee. Then I decided to make my mother her chocolate cake. I thought I would make my pumpkin cake after but never did. Once the chocolate cake came out of the oven, I was starting to get drowsy again despite having two cups of coffee. I took a nap and was done for the day.

I kind of woke up around 6pm. I had to eat something so decided to make a tuna sandwich. Pain was giving me grief. I am glad the Sox game wasn’t on. I wouldn’t have been able to stay up to watch it. I took my meds and then sort of waited for them to kick in. Around 9 or 10 I was getting more pain so took some Neurontin and an hour later, I was finally able to go back to sleep.

I woke up today around 5. I knew if I went back to sleep I would feel like shit afterwards but I was starting to feel tired an hour later. I took my morning meds and fixed it so the med alarm wouldn’t wake me up. I slept till around 10 or so. I still haven’t made my pumpkin cake. I had to go to the pharmacy to get my meds and because my mother distracted me, I refilled my meds for tomorrow rather than today. I was hoping they would fill it when I got there but they didn’t. One was out of stock. It takes a couple days to come in. Not sure if it will come in tomorrow or Wednesday. Last month it took three days to come in. So I will pick up the other meds when they are done and then go again to the store to pick up the out of stock one whenever it comes in.

It took a lot of energy to get to the store and back. I had to psyche myself up. I just had no energy and even now I feel like I need a nap. I am not making the cake. I just have no motivation for it. Maybe tomorrow. I also need to change my sheets as I got fricken chocolate cake on them. Have no idea how. They must have been on my pajamas and I didn’t know. I am so annoyed.

I bought some feminine products just in case I get my menses this week. I had a whole new package but slowly my sisters and niece used up my pads. I had to borrow money from my sister to get them. I haven’t decided if I am going to pay her back or not as she and her daughters used my pads! I got a little extra so I could get pizza later this week. That is all I care about. I hate being broke. Next month will be a little better as I won’t be playing catch up with my bills.

I am listening to the radio on the radio. I couldn’t be bothered with technology. The app I used kept on crashing. It was annoying me! Though the new updated FB app is worse than what it was before. New notifications don’t update, unless you click on an old notification. So damn stupid. I am almost done with the fucking thing. I wish I could say that Twitter was better but the political stuff is really upsetting me. On Friday, I muted accounts I was following for those kind of posts. I just can’t deal. I think I am going to continue to do that so I just have sports and cute animals showing, you know, how it was before the Orange Buffoon came into office.

Sox are tied with the Snakes. I am hoping to just listen to the game though they have an analyst that annoys me and when the broadcaster goes with him, I have no idea what the fuck is going on with the game. I had to shut the radio off when the snakes scored a grand slam, which I had no idea the bases were full. I have been having problems with the broadcaster all season. I finally realized that he tries to be an analyst and that is why I lose track in what is going on. I am not watching the game so it not like they can continue to talk about shit rather than the play by play. That is the whole fucking point of radio, a play by play. I might complain to the radio station because he is horrible. Hope I can tolerate tonight because my foot is bothering me so I won’t be able to watch and the TBS announcers are so far up Snakes butt it isn’t funny. Just horrible!

Catch up and a little today stuff, too haha

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Catch up and a little today stuff too haha

So yesterday I didn’t write a blog because after my two appointments in Boston, I was tired so took a nap that lasted longer than I wanted it. Then it was game time and after I took my night meds, I was struggling to stay up till the 9th inning. I thought about posting a blog on my phone but I hate doing that because autocorrect sometimes either guesses a word wrong or substitutes words that are spelled right but think it is wrong. Then I feel bad when I read it because it makes no fucking sense. If you ever read a blog that has errors, know that I probably wrote it on my phone and please tell me so I can fix it.

I got pain after the game. Just getting into a comfy position upset my ankle. We won game 1, 5-4. I was freaking out because we were leading 5-0 and the snakes were clawing their way back. I watched one inning on TV and hated the announcers. I figured the Sox half they would talk about the Sox, nope. All Snakes. Fucking hate network analysts. So damn biased. I posted a pic saying I was worried after the score was 5-3 and people were freaking out. Um, hello, did you NOT see my post about baseball posts ahead, you’ve been warned?? God I hate when people do that, because when I respond baseball, they get all pissed off. Ya, well you pissed me off too by not paying attention. I mean, I was wearing my Sox shirt and hat and watching/listening to the game. Geez!

Yesterday’s appointment with the pain doc was useful and useless. Apparently, I am “using my meds appropriately” yet there will be no changes to how I use it or whatnot. But if I need adjustments, come back and they will make it. I have been seeing him for the past 3 fucking months for an adjustment and did not fucking get it so what the fuck!!!??? I asked him if my PCP can take over. He said ya, I thought that was the agreement and then he went on and on how we don’t do this because the practice is small and there isn’t enough rooms available for a large thing yada yada. What the fuck do you accept new patients for then??? So instead of HIM contacting my PCP, I will be asking when I see him this coming Friday.

I am 100% convinced this guy has no clue about CRPS or chronic pain because the stories he tells me I am just like he has no clue. He was telling me that he sees degenerative pain patients and they really can’t help but to try and control their pain. It “wasn’t my case” as even he has back pain while doing dishes after 5-10 minutes (the guy is more than 60 I say). No shit. I am no where close to his age and yet my back hurts after the same amount of time doing dishes. I have degenerative disc disease as well as cauda equina syndrome and four fucking back surgeries. If he read my record, he might know this. Asshole. I really hope I don’t have to see him again or find another doctor that is more compassionate.
After his appointment, I saw my psychiatrist. Told her what went on and she said that I was probably right as most doctors have no clue about chronic pain unless they experience it themselves or at least can empathize with their patients. We talked about the T shot and how my left thigh is still giving me grief. I didn’t put a lido patch on last night but I was close to doing it. She then asked if I had any mood changes. I said not yet but you will be the first to know. I told her how I need a new therapist, again. He just isn’t helping me. I asked if I had the wrong perception of a therapist and she didn’t answer. So now I don’t know where to go. The thought I searching for a new one is just too overwhelming for me right now. I want to stay within my radius as I don’t have a car. I thought about calling the LGBT clinic but that will be a pain weekly for me as the pain program is starting. It will take so much energy because it is such a walk to the clinic from the train station. Maybe after the program I can go there or somewhere close to there. But the thought that I have to do this again fills me with doubt that there is a good therapist out there that WILL help me deal with my problems and not just say will work on this and never do. I mean, it is one thing if I defer, as it is my right. Not so much for the therapist. They should want to actually help you with your problems not say yes we will and then drop the fucking ball.

I am reading a book called “Helping the Suicidal Person”. It is a very useful book and already I have a few books and articles to look up. Some I already have but she quoted new research and I am not on top as I once was. It also gives me insight into the therapist’s hesitations on suicide a little better. I wish I could say that for my therapist but he is always willing to listen to me but does NOT do an assessment or even safety plan. I mean I know what to do if I am going to act but am at the point where I just want to act rather than seek help because help hasn’t worked out!! It sometimes gets me more frustrated than be helpful to me. And unless I attempt, I am not going back to the hospital, least not the one I went to. Totally useless and very frustrating.

I have had any changes yet. I am on a low dose so it might take a while before I see them. Maybe after my second shot. I don’t know what to look for. I should probably look for blogs or something to help as a sort of guide but fricken WordPress changed their search so it takes a long time to look for blogs on a tag or a general word (don’t recommend that at all, it will take hours!) I know there must be an FTM group or something somewhere but I have yet to find one publicly. I know there is a lot of harassment and even death threats and abuse out there. I’ve been fortunate, so far, not to encounter it. I think it might send me over the edge if some stranger goes off on me for being transgender.