Tag: chronic illness

lab work and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Lab work and other stuff

I was having a difficult time sleeping last night due to pain. I fell asleep sometime after 1 when I decided to sleep on my left side, where I hurt, and use the body pillow as my head pillow rather than the standard one I had been using. I slept through the night until my blasted med alarm went off. I couldn’t believe I woke up in the same position I fell asleep in. Only thing was, next time I am putting a pillow between my legs because my right buttock was hurting something awful. Tennis ball massage calmed it down.

It was hot but not blazing when I left around 0930. A guy came over talking to himself and as I rounded the corner to the bus stop, he knocked on the brick apartment building to see if the bricks were real. I sat on the bench and he told me the new condo place had fake bricks. I said I know. I told him cement was expensive. He was like really? OMG why do weirdos talk to me??? He was telling me all about the town I lived in like I cared. I agreed with him. I swore at times as the f bombs are just part of my language and that seemed to offend him. He just stopped talking. Thankfully the bus came and he said nice talking to you. I was scared he would continue talking to me all the way to the Square!

I went to Starbucks and had my breakfast and espresso. I had five shots today because it was going to be a long day. I finished but didn’t have time to write so I grabbed my espresso cup and left. Now it was hotter. I got to the train station and waited for the train. I was feeling okay. I got off my stop and started walking toward the building to have my blood drawn. I got to the second parking garage when my ankle acted up. Fuck this wasn’t good. I stopped for a bit and then carried on carefully. I went to the blood lab where my PCP’s office was but because I had urine tests also, I had to go to the lab 3 floors down. Okay, they were better phlebotomists anyway. I went and had my blood drawn. I thought I could pee. I felt like I could pee, but I couldn’t. it wouldn’t come out despite nearly drinking a liter of water. UGH. I told them I couldn’t go and that I would be in the lobby until I could go. I figured in a half hour or so, my bladder would be full. I kept drinking water. For some reason, I was really thirsty. Finally decided to try again and after a few minutes which felt like hours, I went. Urine retention sucks so bad. I cannot go on command. I have to be almost overflowing to go. Damn nerve injury.

I had about 15 minutes before I had to see my psychiatrist. I walked over to the building. I checked in and there was a little girl about 2 in the waiting room. She was so cute. She kept walking around like she owned the place. I kept saying hi, but she was shy and would go to her grandmother to hide her face. It was funny how kids are like that. My doc came and we talked about my previous lab results. She had never heard of my medication lowering my sodium after being on it for so long. I had. There was a lady on Twitter whose sodium levels were dropping and no one figured out that it was the Trileptal until she was very sick. She was in the UK. I told her about the book, which I meant to show her but totally forgot to bring it with me. I will next time.

I didn’t want to make an appt with her. She gave me a time on the day I plan on ending it and I told her I couldn’t make it. When she asked why, I lied and said I had PT. I wasn’t in the mood to bring up my suicidal thoughts and just let it be. I was more worried about my lab results.

I had sent a message to my PCP that I had the lab work done today. Around 1730, he messaged me saying that my sodium was normal. I then got a message my test results were available for viewing. I am one point above normal. I will take it. I have been eating salty foods all week. I emailed my psychiatrist about the results and that I was in a flare. I had told her I could only take one breakthrough med a day which I hope to change next week. I had to take another pill a little while ago because as I was putting my dinner dishes in the sink, my ankle exploded in pain. It was too early for my night time dose so I took the breakthrough. I am still hurting and I am not in a good mood.

I went through Twitter like I always do. One of my pain community member had posted a pic saying that the biggest risk for chronic pain patients isn’t addiction. It is suicide. OMG is this so fucking true. I had to use the bathroom so went downstairs and as is the norm, my ankle had a fit. Totally went out on me. How can I not think of ending my life? I had just taken a breakthrough med an hour or so ago. And now my ankle is having stabbing pains, the “glob” is throbbing, and my malleolus is being hammered. I just want to not be in chronic pain and that is my life sentence. I don’t want to live anymore. It just has to end, and it will soon. I can’t continue like this. I thought I could. I thought things were getting better. But like always, it was a joke. A big HAHA, fooled ya. I still haven’t taken my night meds, which means I have to get up once more. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow except find my carryon bag so I can pack for my friend’s BBQ on the 4th. It is going to be hot and I want to dip in their pool. Little things is all I have to look forward to between now and the end.

going out and paying the price

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Going out and paying the price

So past three days I have gone out, including today. It was pouring rain off and on most of the day and humid as fuck. I woke up when my med alarm went off. Then my bladder sent me an urgent message so I went downstairs. Of course, my mother was in the bathroom. I tried to patiently wait.

I decided I might as well go to my barbers to drop off the casserole so I can have the rest of the day to rest. My psych had reschedule our appointment for tomorrow, which means I have to leave early. Yuck. It is supposed to be ridiculously hot but I guess the south is HOTTER than us so I can’t complain too much. I need to leave early so I can get my lab work done. I really didn’t want to go out as I knew I was going to get wet and I would sweat. I got my stuff together. The trouble was, finding a waterproof bag as I didn’t have one. I found a plastic type bag. I thought of taking my journals but I knew they would get wet and I hate wet books. I left them behind. I also couldn’t bring my headphones so had to get my earbuds. All these decisions before coffee.

As I was walking to the bus stop, my sister drove by and offered me a ride and I took it! She dropped me off in front of my barbers. My barber wasn’t in yet. I told the barber that was there, I was going to get some java and then I will be back. I had a donut while waiting for my espresso. I get it over “light” ice. Everyone has their own definition of “light”. The barista today just gave me enough to keep it cold. I asked for a little more and got just that. I poured my soy and the container leaked more soy all over the place than in my cup. I laughed. I went back to the barbers.

My barber came after a few minutes and he had his son with him. A very cute three year-old. He cut my hair and we chatted. Then I left for the bus but I just missed the bus and had to wait nearly an hour for the next one. I must have taken like 10 steps from the door of the shop when my ankle flared up. Fuck. I hobbled to the T to a bench. I sat for a bit. Took my hat off and then took a selfie. I posted it when the bus came. I grabbed my coffee and went to the bus that would take me close to home. It wasn’t until I was waiting for the bus home that I realized I left my hat at the bus depot. Do’h!!! It was pouring so I held my umbrella when the wind picked up. If it got worse, I was going to lose the umbrella as I hate fight it in the wind. I rather get wet. I gave directions to someone that stopped and then the bus came.

My ankle kept going in and out on me as I walked the block home. It was trash day so I put the barrels in the driveway. One had some water in it, making it heavy to move. I dumped out the water. I got home and my ankle just was not happy. My legs were feeling like cement. I want a shower. I took a breakthrough med and waited for it to kick in. My t-shirt was wet and the AC made me really cold. It was now or never in the shower. Bad move. My legs were awful after the shower. I still hadn’t had anything to eat except the donut.

I couldn’t cook. I wanted to make steak and cheese sub. It will have to be another day. I ordered Mexican food. Tacos and taquitos. OMG it was so fricken good. I couldn’t finished all of them. I saved one taco and one taquito. I then went up to my room to rest. Legs have never been this bad. I am used to my ankle being a bitch but legs, both of them, being so sore is not something I am used to. Also my left knee seems to act up while having my legs out. It was bothering me when I woke. I was in a fetal position so not sure why it hurt.

I wish I didn’t have to go out tomorrow. It is going to be yucky. I am trying to drink a lot so I am not dehydrated. I don’t want there to be difficulty finding my veins. I also need to drink a lot so that I can possibly pee so I can give a urine sample. I hate urine retention so bad.

I am trying to massage my legs to get the soreness out of them. I am supposed to go downstairs for my nephew’s birthday but I hurt too much. My sister told me about three hours before the time. Thanks, sis. I am not the uncle or anything. I am so tired of being the last to know about these things. Oh well. I texted my nephew already. I just want to stay in my bed. This going out on consecutive days sucks.

How a grumpy day turned awesome!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

How a grumpy day turned awesome (skip to end if you don’t want the boring parts)

I woke up grumpy. I kept waking up at odd hours, mostly because I was afraid I was going to sleep through my alarm. When the alarm finally went off, I was not wanted to get out of bed but my bladder forced me too. I used the bathroom before I took my meds. There was no waiting. I guess I had been holding it for some time and it wanted to be emptied now. After I went, I brushed my teeth. It was only after I had rinsed my mouth I realized I still had to take my meds. Fuck. That meant water and it was too early for that. It would make me puke. I took them with powerade anyway.

I then got a text message saying the bus I needed to take was 20 minutes behind. I got two of them so fuck leaving in 45 minutes. I had to leave now, going a different way. I got dressed quickly. I went downstairs and gave my mother the check for tomorrow so she could go to the bank. I told her I would be home sometime in the afternoon and she said today in a demanding tone so I said no tomorrow in a sarcastic tone and she yelled at me. Fuck you and I left (I didn’t say that or I wouldn’t be typing right now. I went to the bus stop. I checked the bus app to see when one would be coming and it said a few minutes. I didn’t feel like putting my headphones on. I wanted coffee badly. When I got to the station, where I planned on getting my caffeination, it was closed. Just lovely. I got my pass for the month and went to catch the train. The train came and I had to get one another one to get to my stop. That train was heading back to Boston. Fucking fuck. A switcharoo this early in the morning?? UGH. I got on the train to go one stop. Then this Chinese lady raced for the elevator and I waited for the next one. It was full of people so I waited for them to exit. A guy came on before I did and nearly closed the door on me. WTF. I hoped the bus I had to take to PT would be coming soon and it did.

I had a half hour before my appointment so I went to Dunks and had their coffee. It was decent. I also had a sandwich to try and get me out of the grumpy mood. My hip was hurting me and I forgot my breakthrough meds. This was just great. Around 1030, I walked to the PT office building and waited for my PT after I checked in. She got me and asked how I was and I told her my hip was really bothering it, you aren’t touching it today. And if you tried, I will yell at you. She said okay. I told her I did my exercises yesterday and she was happy. I did about three clamshell before my hip said no more. I told her I think I had the pillow too high. She said try a lower pillow so I will. We did the exercises she gave me to make sure I was doing them right. Then she said she was going to do myofacial release and I got scared. I said I will yell at you if you hurt me. She then showed me what she was going to do on my left arm. I then told her, that huh, that was probably not a good arm and showed her the bruise my doorway gave me. She asked how I got it and I said I was attacked by my doorway! She laughed. She showed me what she was going to do on my good arm and I said okay but be careful. I had stuff to do today and didn’t want to be in more pain by the end of the day than I want to be. As she was doing it, she kept creeping up to the area that hurt and I said watch it. She said ok. She did it for a few minutes and then it was over. I didn’t feel any different. My hip still hurt the same. She then asked about appt and I made two more.

I missed the half past buses and had to wait nearly a half hour to get back to the station. My hip was not happy as I had to stand. I was doing everything, walking around, standing on a wall, shifting my weight, all the while cursing myself for forgetting my pain meds. I was listening to my country music. Finally the bus came but the only seat available was the one facing the buildings where my father used to live. I closed my eyes so memories wouldn’t come flooding back. I had to wait for the train. The time thing was wrong. I waited more than 1 minute for the train, maybe 5-8. I was standing so my hip was thrilled as well. I got on the train and took a grumpy selfie. I was so pissed. I still had to connect to another train line to get to my therapist’s office. I got to the connection and followed the sign to where I thought said Alewife. It turned out to be the other end. I was pissed. I went back upstairs and asked the train employee where to connect to the Alewife side of the red line. She showed me. More stairs. Fun!!! I wanted nothing more than 4 shots espresso at this point. I was very tempted to leave this train and walk to another station but knew that would kill me.

I got to the stop and the Starbucks was closed due to renovations. Just made my day that much greater!!! I went to a coffee shop I used to like and got an iced coffee that tasted like shit. It costed me nearly $5 so I drank it, but only about half of it. I didn’t want to get sick. I wrote in my journal about my day so far and what I hoped to talk to my therapist about. When it got close to appointment time, I used the bathroom and then packed up my stuff to go.

Therapy went okay. We talked about my mother being a bitch the past few days. He asked if I could move out and I said not unless rent suddenly became wicked cheap. He was curious to know where I lived so pulled up my address and Google had my house. Haha so weird. He said I was in the middle of nowhere. I said there were two bus lines I was near and one went to the Square where I connect to see you. He found that explanatory. Then I told him about my sodium levels. He told me about some antipsychotics that could be for mood disorders and I said those aren’t really being used solely for mood stabilizers. I then listed what I knew and the story of Tegretol and Trileptal, how they came to be. I also gave a story about how I told a resident how come they didn’t show in a tox screen, though I don’t remember which was qual and which was quant. I just knew just because you were on Trileptal, you weren’t going to get a level unless you ordered it as a sendout test.

So I decided to go to the place I wanted to order Chinese food rather than have it delivered. I was still grumpy. My mother called and I let it go to voicemail. I didn’t want to talk to her, or to anyone really. Just let me listen to my music and leave me the fuck alone. So the bus finally came. I got to the stop where the food place was and they were closed. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????? I had to wait for another bus home. The bus driver was an asshole. He didn’t lower the bus so I could get on. I tripped and had to start again. Then after I waved my pass he didn’t wait till I was seated. I wear a fucking AFO brace. But I guess that doesn’t mean anything to anyone!! I am going to report him.

So past two days I have been getting UPS notification that a delivery is coming my way but I don’t recall ordering anything that had a UPS delivery. I was very perplexed. I come home finally, my belly growling, pissed off, with two packages for me. One was SE Hinton’s book that I ordered. The other was from Wiley. Odd. I don’t remember ordering a book from them. I get to my room. Open the package and it is this:

A little background. Someone 2-3 years ago were searching specifically for a citation that John Sommers-Flannagan had written and I wrote about in one of my papers on my blog. I made mention when I found out Dr. John was on Twitter. We have been in touch off and on. He post maybe 2 years ago he was looking for people to edit his coming book on counseling. I responding saying that I don’t have a professional degree but I have plenty of lived experience. He took a chance and I DM’d him my private email. He sent me a chapter and I read it/edit and gave my thoughts on it, etc. Then maybe a year ago he sent an email about acknowledgements. I wrote back to him with just my name as I didn’t have any credentials. (still no clue where the National Institute of Education came from). Today I got the book and it totally made my day!!! I am so fricken happy. I ordered my Chinese food while sending pics every where and to everyone! So that is how I got in the book.

long day of doing nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long day of doing nothing

My day kind of started around 0130 when loud thunderstorms woke me up. It took me a while to get back to sleep. Around 0330, I checked to see if my check had been deposited and it wasn’t. I checked again an hour later, nothing. I went back to sleep. My med alarm went off and I checked the pollen count to see if I needed an extra allegra. The count was low/medium so I didn’t take it. I just took my pain and BP meds. I had to pee really bad. My mother was in the fricken bathroom. Fuck. I didn’t have time to go down another flight to my sister’s apartment. I waited as long as I could then went the bathroom. I wanted to brush my teeth but my mother was washing up. Also trying to make conversation with me when I didn’t feel like talking. I figure I would brush later.

Went back to my room and checked my bank. The money was deposited. YAY. I ordered my groceries after removing some items as it somehow went up to $175. Yikes! I went on some kind of spree. It was like a ton of soda. No idea why I wanted practically every kind of coke zero Peapod had. Once the cart was down to a reasonable amount, I placed the order. I picked a Wednesday time. One thing knocked off my list. Then I put some cash on my Starbucks account. I then went back to sleep, even though I was hungry. I figure I would sleep for an hour and then order food. I slept for two hours and woke from a weird dream.

I ordered lunch. Then I listened to the radio as I read Harry Potter. I was listening via my phone. A message come through and wiped out the app. I just continued reading. Pain has been up and down all day. It kind of got worse around 1800. It would be three hours before my next dose of ER meds. I took the IR kind so that I wouldn’t be in much pain. I just got up to take my night meds and my ankle went berserk. All day my legs have been really sore. My calves do not want to be stretch out to walk. I really don’t know what to do about it. I did some PT exercises but my hip didn’t like it. It has been sore all weekend. I am not letting the PT touch it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. I see PT in the morning and then have therapy in the afternoon, a two hour window, maybe two and a half. I have no idea when the next bus to the station will come after PT. Therapy is no where near PT. I have to do some traveling. I just hope that I have time to get to a Starbucks for java. I might get a mocha as a treat. I made sure I took my meds on time. Sox are off tonight so I won’t be tempted to be up late. I wanted to order Chinese food but I really don’t feel like waiting for it as it is getting late. I am still full from the sandwich I had around 1330. It was huge and I had yummy onion rings. If I am not too sore Wed, I will make my barber his chili cornbread that he likes. I bought some of the ingredients for it. I also got stuff for lemon pie. I am dying for something lemony. It is really simple. Graham cracker crust, lemon pudding, and topped with cool whip. YUM.