Tag: chronic pain

Daylight saving time sucks!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Daylight saving time sucks!

Last night I was just reading. I finished Langford’s Leap by Ted Boone. It was such a good female hero book. I cannot wait for the second book to come out. After I finished that, I read this memoir that I started in December. I might have mentioned it before as a “sugar-coated” book. It is terribly written and I just couldn’t finish it. It was getting me so damn frustrated because of the drops and not explaining then going on to something else. It also used mental health and mental illness like it was interchangeable (sorry, it most definitely is not). The author never went into her symptoms so I find it hard to relate to something when this was similar to what I have been writing for a while now. It was like she was putting it out there and then just left it there. Like she would say she was suicidal or had a suicide attempt where she didn’t care if she did or didn’t die but no background to what lead up to that point, no talk of depression or despair or frustration, nothing. I especially didn’t like where she was talking about mass shootings and there was a KEY word missing in the sentence. I had read it three times and it was just bad. Terrible editing on whoever did it. I just decided to write a review and called it a day.

I then went to Harry Potter and got sucked into the wizard world. Around 0030, I finally put the book down and tried to sleep. It took a few tries to get comfortable and then out of nowhere, my damn right instep was killing me. I took some ibuprofen and Tylenol. I couldn’t figure out why it was hurting so bad. I had only got up once to stretch the whole time I read, and there were at least 3 or 4 hours where I was just on my bed. I finally decided to put some diclofenac gel on and then I realized why I was hurting. The golf ball size swelling had moved up my foot and was very inflamed. I don’t know if while lying down the weight of my other foot set it off or what. I had got up around 0130 and realized that in a half hour, it was going to be 3 am instead of 2 due to the time change. I wasn’t looking forward to that because it was going to throw me off. Next thing I know it is 4 am because I decided to read Harry again to wait for the meds to work their magic. I fell asleep somewhere around 0430.

I woke up a few hours later because my mother got up. She is not quiet and her breathing is very labored. As much as I hate the woman, I care for her wellbeing, though I try not to as she doesn’t listen to me anyway. Her breathing is like she is puffing the air out of her lungs. Her COPD is worse (though she will say her knees are causing it). She doesn’t use her inhalers at all. She had paid for a nebulizer and used it maybe a week or two. Now not using it all. Her breathing was slightly better than it was but now without the medication, she is back to her huffing and puffing. I have to listen to her as she climbs the stairs every night just to make sure she doesn’t collapse. I am hoping that when my sister lives with us, I don’t have to worry so much. I wish she would just move her bedroom into the dining room but nope, she doesn’t want to give it up despite her not using it for anything other than her gatsies (little trinkets and things just used for display). I understand her mother gave her those things, or rather were my grandmother’s things before she died but all it is doing is collecting dust. Today she refused to yield me any fucking space to put my mugs yet wanted them in my room. Fuck, seriously? Seriously. She wouldn’t allow me to keep things even though I would like space to. She is just so fucking selfish when it comes to the house, this is mine and that is mine so you can’t use it. Meanwhile she nearly burnt the crap out of my new kettle because she didn’t put enough water in it for making her coffee. She leaves water in it so the bottom of the thing is starting to rust. That is okay though…because she didn’t buy it. I am ready to buy an electric water kettle just so she doesn’t use mine and can do what ever she wants, which she does anyway. I just get so fucking frustrated because she tells me how to live my life, doesn’t use my changed name, doesn’t respect me in any way, shape, or form. Today she had the gall to say G or my birthname or what ever you are. I got mad and said what am I to you, two different people? Then she spewed that she has been calling me my birthname for 40 years so isn’t going to change. Fuck you too. I don’t know why the fuck I bother. I get so hurt and she doesn’t care. She is so transphobic.

I wanted to change my sheets today but my CRPS foot is giving me grief. It has been snowing and raining most of the day so that is probably why. I ordered take out for the first time in a few months. I wanted a burrito but the place didn’t have drivers so canceled my order. I was disappointed. I ordered a burger from another place. Now both feet are killing me just from going up and downstairs. I fucking hate being in pain all the fucking time. It is the biggest trigger of my suicidal thoughts. I am still thinking of my plan. I don’t know if I will go through with it but it is on the backburner. Tomorrow I am seeing my PCP’s social worker to work on some financial planning and things. I hope that she can maybe speed up the process for therapy as I am really needing to talk to someone about things. I know I have this blog but sometimes actually talking to someone helps unload things. I don’t want to call my friends because I don’t want them to worry or be mad at me. Just sucks that even though the majority of my friends accepts that I have depression, some are not so accepting that I have suicidal thoughts and plans, even if it is just to hear me out. I no longer bring it up with them. I guess it is a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, which really bugs me. As many times as I have had trouble with therapists, it is the same. No one wants to truly hear how dark my thoughts are. Makes me feel more alone with each passing day. I know there are people out there that say “you aren’t alone” but when you are chronically suicidal, you really are. I just wish I would go through with it so it will end.

Saturday Blog 9 Mar 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 9 Mar 19

I had a rough time sleeping. Pain kept me up till about 0330, then just as I was going to sleep, the power went out. I wouldn’t have cared except my ceiling fan was now off and I didn’t want to get hot again. Within 5 minutes or so, it came back on and I snoozed. I woke up as my mother was going downstairs. No idea what time it was but a few minutes later my med alarm went off. I shut it off and got up to take them. I then rolled over and went to sleep till around noon.

I needed coffee. I haven’t really been drinking any caffeine this past week as I don’t want it interfering with my sleep. But my head was like coffee, coffee, coffee, so I gave in. I have like 3 or 4 bottles of Starbucks Iced Coffee in my fridge so I don’t want it going to waste! I had a cup and a pop tart. I could barely finish the second pop tart. I was just full. I don’t remember if I finished my coffee (it was a huge cup). I had drank most of it so I was caffeinated. I was contemplating what to do today. I had to burn some CDs. They are really old that I wanted as MP3s. I was grateful my computer recognized them as they were in .wma format. Ya, kids, look that up! My second goal was to finished reading this new book by friend’s husband called Langford’s Leap. I really struggled not to stay up all night reading. It is that good! And I am getting to the good stuff. The first few chapters are leaving you wondering where this is going and then boom, it all comes together. It is a really good book. I highly recommend this. My last goal for the day was going to return the brace that I bought at Walgreens. I am sad that this one is closing and I have to go to the “newer” one down the opposite street. Still within walking distance (it is around the corner) but I know all the staff and there. I am going to miss them. I got to call my PCP’s office Monday to get my pharmacy changed over. Just sucks. I really feel bad for the latest pharmacy manager that took over. It has only been a few months she has been manager. I have no idea if she will be at the new location.

So I have done most of the things I set out to do except read the book. I am waiting for my sister to show up with my mother’s shopping. My mother got cold cuts and I could really go for a turkey sandwich. I wanted to go to Stop and Shop to get the things I need for the recipe I want to make but I still have no energy to do it. Too much walking involved. My heel is killing me just from going around the corner to return the brace. I still need to do my PT exercises. I didn’t do them yesterday. I wanted to but then my damn ankle flared up and just didn’t want to do them anymore. I’ve only don’t them once this week, least as far as I remember. I don’t remember Wednesday at all. I thought today was Sunday. I just feel so off because of that stupid insomnia bout. I really hope it doesn’t happen again.

My psychiatrist has not responded to any email I have sent this week. I feel really sad about it because she usually responds to at least one or two. I still don’t have an appointment with her because she hasn’t responded to my emails. Been sending one all week. I think she responded to the one I sent Monday about melatonin but haven’t heard from her otherwise. Monday I see the social worker in my PCP’s office. It is funny because she sent me a message last night about where her office was. She gave me directions and I laughed. I know all the buildings at the hospital campus, probably better than she does. I worked there a lot of years and had to go from one building to another. It is no wonder my CRPS ankle was shot by the end of a shift or two shifts (I was working in two departments when my ankle got really bad). And this hospital is not small. I am going to ask the social worker about the therapist situation. I thought it was an outright referral but I had to have an intake and that is still a month away before I hear anything. I hope I can walk there but not sure what state my heel/foot/ankle will be. It is getting better but I have been immobile all week, giving it the rest it needs. But there are times I am walking around the house and my heel flares up for whatever reason. The new brace I bought I need to wear today. I will when I go back downstairs. I got to get used to it and “break” it in.

shitty week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shitty week

This week has been the roughest I have had in a while. Monday night I had pain that drove me crazy. I did not get any sleep, except for maybe an hour and half. I went to PT and then hoped I would crash when I got home. This wasn’t meant to be. I had taken a lot of magnesium during the night so my bowels were off. I tried sleeping but couldn’t settle down. Ativan had lost it’s magic. It calmed me down but I just could not sleep. I think between my left ankle and right heel pain, my brain was fried and couldn’t shut off. I had ordered some melatonin as I was desperate. I was up almost 40 hours before I finally got more than 2 hours sleep. Wednesday I tried to sleep most of the day but couldn’t really. I would sleep for 4 or 5 hours and then be up. My appetite was shot. I had only one meal a day, if that. Tuesday night my mother had made hamburgers that were really greasy. My stomach got all bloated and I was having reflux. I took two dose of Mylanta to settle it but the gas persisted into Thursday. Mylanta contains magnesium so the two doses caused another episode of the runs. I swear the next time I am backed up, I am just going to take magnesium.

Wednesday night I finally had decent sleep. I was wicked hungover yesterday and my brain hurt so much. I felt dizzy and my head just felt all cloudy. When I took the Lamictal last night, the head stuff and dizziness went away. So today I am splitting the tablets, taking half in the morning and half at bedtime. So far, I haven’t felt dizzy so I think I was having slight withdrawal from the stupid med! I had done a ton of switching to find out what med was causing this and when I figured it out, I was aggravated. I emailed my psych today to tell her. I also asked for an appointment because we don’t have one on the books since I cancel whenever I was supposed to see her. I honestly have no clue when I was supposed to see her. Everything is blurred as the days just melted into one another. I missed writing my blog but I was having a hard time trying to focus. The stuff I posted on social media, I don’t remember half of it (see yesterday’s post). I know I was long winded. But I have been having internet problems so I didn’t want to use my laptop. And my phone’s connections kept going from wifi to my phone’s data. It is driving me nuts. I spoke with my company and I might need a new modem as this one is “old” even though I have had it for about two years now.

Last night I had my first meal since Tuesday night. All I had Wednesday was a protein bar from what I remember. I didn’t want to eat anything because I didn’t want the gas and reflux to come back. The reflux was so bad that I had woken up one of the nights with a burning in my esophagus. It was so bad, it inflamed it causing me to think something was stuck in my throat. The feeling finally dissipated sometime yesterday.

I lost track of my transition but my facial hair is getting more defined though still not around my face. Just my sideburns, goatee area (with a space) and my mustache. My breasts have shrunk thankfully. I haven’t had much time to think about top surgery. I am still thinking about it on my back burner for now.

There is going to be some changes in my living situation by the end of the month. My sister unfortunately for evicted because the owner is selling the house. Rent is not cheap in my area and first, last, and deposit are ridiculously expensive. She would need at least eight grand to live in a place. So my nephew and sis will be here. I am losing my office space, which I am not happy about but my mother is being stubborn about giving up space in the living room. When I talked with my sisters, the office was going to be a storage space. I went to the store and when I came back, it is being turned into a bedroom, which I don’t know how as a twin mattress can barely fit in there. My sister is thinking it will. Good luck because there won’t be too much room once it is in there! I just hope they aren’t noisy as lately when I get into a flare or am slightly tired, like I am now, sound affects me big time. Just listening to my mother’s TV hurts my head. The kitchen TV is the worst as sound travels throughout the house. If I didn’t have to keep an ear out for my mother, I would use ear plugs. I might use them at dinner as I don’t think I can handle the fucking TV today.

My CRPS foot has been awful all week. I’ve tried everything I could. I finally emailed my PT to find out about the TENS unit my neuro ordered. She (PT) had said some guy comes to the office to show people how to use them. The lady that works with him called today and because they don’t take my insurance due to low reimbursements, I will have to pay out of pocket. I emailed my PT to see if there is another place that accepts my insurance and asked if the Walgreens brand or brand name (forget who it is) is as good. They run much cheaper than the out of pocket cost. I might be able to get it off Amazon or something. I will wait to hear back from her. I wouldn’t be able to get it now anyways. Foot is constantly buzzing. I’ve had to use a compression sock but eventually it digs into me and I have to take it off. Luckily because I have been so immobile last few days, I haven’t been in super pain. Heel is still an asshole. I bought a new brace that is all Velcro to lace up. Wore it while having dinner. By the time I came back to my room, I had to take it off. It is really tight but the larger size was too large and I couldn’t get it on properly. It help my heel pain a little though, so maybe I just need to break it in. I have chubby ankles and of course these damn braces are made for skinny ones. Just a bias of the way everything and product thinks people are, skinny! Pisses me off.

FB post over last few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

Here are my posts from social media past few days. Still not feeling well to give a new version yet…

Nothing is worse than waking up with reflux and feeling there is something stuck in your esophagus. Tried everything I can think of to bring it down or up and nothing is working. Body a gazillion, me 0. Managed 3 hours sleep until fricken bladder woke me up. Took some melatonin. Don’t care if I sleep all day. Today is T shot so if I am up to it will post pics of transition provided I don’t look like shit.

Just when I thought my 24+ hours of being awake were over, foot started vibrating. Never fails. 20 mins after I lay down foot or ankle decide to act up. To say I am exhausted is an understatement. Got a theory…my brain must be so fried from the horrible heel pain (which is worse than the CRPS pain and NOTHING works to bring it down to bearable levels) it can’t relax. Every noise is magnified x100 so I jump, thus keeping me up. My radiator is the chief cause when it kicks on as it makes different fricken noises. And late at night when the house is quiet as I don’t have the noise from my Mother’s TV watching. Melatonin arrived today so will be trying it tomorrow. Haven’t gone downstairs for the mail yet. Hope it works or I’m gonna go insane

Been up for 40+ hours. Going back to bed now. Even though it is currently 145pm EST. Sorry I haven’t been writing. Thanks to all who have been reading despite my absence.