Tag: chronic pain

Still emotional, thanks gender dysphoria

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, transgender

My pcp is still a dickhead. I asked him if he would fill my female hormones and his nurse said sure what is it. I answered now I have to see the repro endo doc. He doesn’t want to do it. Fucking asshole. I’m still a wreck from yesterday and hate, absolutely HATE having to still take these hormones because my Testosterone therapy got pushed back because of him. Almost a year now he has been dicking me around, one thing after another. I am so sick of it. Am I supposed to just see him for cough and colds? It is looking that way. I don’t need a referral for my insurance so if I want to see a specialist, I am just going to. No point in seeing him first. Just a waste of time I could use to make an appt with the specialist.

Saw the pain program doc today. He is okay. Can’t comment more as all he did was repeat my medical history and type really fast. He wants me to continue to see my pain doc and I told him I might not as he is reluctant to increase my meds to give me some quality of life. How I am supposed to work in this program with horrendous pain, I have no clue. I also need to get a PT eval for my thigh as the program PT is 2 months away. I can’t wait that long. I am going to email my current PT and see what she says but I don’t think I can see two PTs at once. So fucking frustrating.

I had to make a pit stop to the Square because the bus that would take me home was longer than the bus to the square. I don’t care, though my sprain ankle is hurting. I didn’t wear the brace because I didn’t want to be bothered taking off two braces. I’m wearing 2 different sneaks and don’t fucking care.

I had a snickers latte today because I need it goddamn it!! Also had something to eat because of the emotional stuff. I feel better now. I need some protein bars. Getting irrational when I don’t eat is getting more frequent. Hope my diabetes test comes back within normal limits. My psych ordered it but I haven’t had a chance to get it drawn yet. Might get it done tomorrow if I am not up at the crack of dawn. My therapist is back from vaca. I see him tomorrow and I can’t wait. Got a lot to talk about.

My mother needed some things today so as I am out, I got to get them for her. I am going by that way so no big deal. I will get some protein bars with her cash as I am broke until tomorrow.

When i see my psych next i am going to ask her if i can go back to the LGBT clinic for T therapy. I just hope i don’t have to start the whole process over. It will send me over the fucking edge.

20 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

20 Aug 2018

I went with my mother to her doctor’s appt. The ride to the doc’s was late. My mother got the return time mixed up. She thought it was later and it wasn’t so the driver wasn’t happy. Then we went to the bank to deal with some issues and we were there for nearly two hours. It was hard on my mother and I. She did okay going home and up the stairs. It was dinner time so I heated up some gravy and she wanted raviolis. They were good but later we both had a bowl of cereal as we were still hungry. I didn’t have anything to eat today except for a crumpet with my coffee.

My mother upset me today. We had gone to the bank to have them change my name on the accounts we share. She asked me why I changed it and I said I wanted a more male name. She said I wasn’t male, I was female. OMG, I wanted to fucking die. I was already having a hard time this week because of the things on my chest and here she is telling me the obvious by pointing to the incorrect body parts. I swear every time she said daughter today I wanted to say no, son, but I didn’t. It hurts so fucking bad that she does this. And I can’t write anymore as I am upset.

19 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

19 Aug 18

I have been having a bad day. Started with my sister calling me asking about my mother. She called and didn’t get an answer. I didn’t want to go downstairs. I am tired of doing this. I am a light sleeper, if something happened, I would have heard it and I would have called HER. Sure enough, I go downstairs and my mother is in the bathroom. The poor woman can’t shit in peace! I sent a text saying so to my sister and she says not to give her an attitude. Fuck you.

I am so damn mad. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I am too pissed off to sleep. I decided to make some bacon. I put away the dishes my mother took out of the dishwasher. I asked her if she wanted coffee and she did. I made her and myself a cup. After I did a few things in the kitchen, my mother was lying on the bed, going for the nap. The phone was furthest from her so I put it so she could reach it and then made a comment about how people freak out if they can’t get in touch with you. She told me to calm down. Really?? She isn’t the only person in this household disabled. I am getting tired of it.

I went upstairs so upset that I just cried. Then I took an Ativan to “calm down”. I am seriously thinking of going back in the hospital and let them fend for themselves without me here. I really hate that my mother didn’t validate me. My sister thinks I am giving her an attitude. I am so damn stressed my pain is ridiculous. I don’t need this shit. Last night pain was so damn bad, again, I didn’t sleep and was once again contemplating killing myself. It was after midnight so who was I going to call or do?

I am dreading tomorrow. I got to get up early and make myself something to eat. I got to make sure my mother eats something before we leave so her sugar doesn’t crash. I am also bringing juice and crackers just in case. I rather be over prepared than left taking her to the ER for hypo. The weather is supposed to be night. In the 70s. I am glad the humidity is gone. For the first time I have the AC off and I was cold so had to wear a long sleeved shirt. I hope things go smoothly. The only thing I am afraid of is her getting stuck on the stairs when we get home. But I will worry about that when it happens.

I shaved my head tonight but think I took too much off the back so now it is uneven. Money is going to be tight this month so I won’t be able to see my barber until the day before the wedding. Hopefully the top will grow so I have something to spike. The next day I will be going to a concert. It is going to be a busy week. I hope I don’t have flares, but I know I will as the dickhead pain doc won’t increase my meds. I should have wrote down what I planned on telling him but I will read his shit article and see if that drives up something. I see another doctor this week for the pain program. If I am lucky, maybe he will take over as my pain doc and be more compassionate.

18 8 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

18 8 18

I decided to put the numbers of the date rather than the date, month spelled, year. I think the numbers of today are cool. I didn’t write a blog yesterday. I wanted to but I was in so much pain and had so many meltdowns that I just was too exhausted to write.

My sister came over yesterday after I asked her for help. I didn’t know my mother had made dinner, which is what I was afraid of, so she brought a rotisserie chicken, which we had for tonight’s dinner. We were talking and I told her of the fight I had with my aunt the lunatic on Monday. Apparently, there is shit being said and no one is telling me what the fuck it is. I brought it up to my mother, as she expects me to go to her house on Monday as she needs to do something at the bank with me. I told her I am not going over her house and she said I should apologize as she was visiting her. I don’t give a fuck. She should apologize to me for giving me a damn heart attack for nothing! I am not talking to her and frankly, I don’t know who to trust so I am not talking to anyone on my mother’s side of the family. I don’t need them. I do my own thing, get around to do things without them. The only person I trust is my bipolar cousin, who does help me out sometimes with rides to the station and stuff, if I need it. I don’t ask. Usually I am at the bus stop when he drives by. I don’t call him for a ride unless I can’t do it myself. But I am being reserved in talking to him as I am just paranoid about what is being said right now.

I’ve been busy with doing the dreaded laundry. There were only three loads but I after I fixed dinner and cleaned up afterwards. I just put the last load in the washer and will put it in the dryer when the dryer is free. I figure around maybe 9pm I will go downstairs again. I have no idea when the washer will be done. It takes around 1-2 hours depending on how big the load is. I have a big load in there now as it is all towels. I took my pain med early as when I got back to my room, my ankle pain went up. I don’t care. It is only an hour early. I didn’t want to take a BT med when it was so close to my next dose.

I have been listening to the country radio station most of the day. I found that if I play something on FB or Twitter, it stops on my phone. But won’t resume when it stops. Annoying. I like having it on my Kindle so I don’t run into this problem. My sister is on the booze cruise I was suppose to go to tonight. There was no way as I would be wearing two braces and going up the stairs would be difficult. I never made my bacon sandwich today. I will have to make it tomorrow. The bacon that I got was not the best quality. It was stringy and fatty. I wish you could look at what you are getting before buying but there is no way to see as the package is vacuumed sealed. It is annoying. Still tastes good but I rather have some meat than more fat. I need more bacon, LOL.