Tag: chronic pain

possible admission

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Possible admission

My psych called me after my last blog post. I was too drugged up to write what she said so I will write it now. She would like me to consider admission to her hospital where they have a med/psych unit. I told her let’s see how today’s appointments go. I packed a bag just in case. I have been up since 0330. I just finished taking a shower and ready to take a nap.

I have never been to this floor so I don’t know what to expect. I could be there a few days to a couple weeks. I just don’t know what the doctors are like or the nursing staff. I won’t carry my bags to the hospital, but I will leave them where my sister can get them to bring to me. It was easy packing as I really didn’t unpack since my last admission in May.

The shower wore me out. I feel like a ton of bricks have fallen on me. I had to shower because below my fat belly was a scratch that has become annoyingly irritated. I had a bandage on it and the adhesive irritated me more than the scratch. I had to shower to remove it before I caused more scratches. My skin is very sensitive and doesn’t take long for me to remove skin while scratching.

I hope this won’t be my last blog post for a while. I hope to have use of my phone while in the hospital. But if I don’t, I guess I won’t be blogging. I will write later if I can.

Pain changes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain changes

I used to have pain that began anywhere between 1800-2300. Now it’s starting to happen around 1400 in the afternoon. WTF. It’s the same type of pain I experience at night, only earlier in the day now. And it lasts well into the evening. Because it’s day time, I can’t take a full dose of meds unless I know I am doing absolutely nothing the rest of the day because I am basically drugged up. It usually knocks me out and I sleep, which messes with my night time sleeping. Today I took one pain pill when I came home from Starbucks and then paged my psychiatrist because I felt uneasy.

I was supposed to kill myself today, so this pain isn’t helping that feeling of wanting to die. I told my therapist that I would use my crisis response plan if I was in trouble. I am not to the point of needing to go to the ER but I do need to talk to my psych because she can help calm me down. My therapist will just get excited and be no use to me then have to get off the phone with me, leaving me feeling in worse shape before she called. Least with my psychiatrist we can come up with some kind of plan until I meet with her tomorrow.

I took an Ativan because my anxiety was getting up. I feel mellow now. I also want to sleep but my psych hasn’t called back and I don’t want to miss her call. I guess it’s good that I am not anxious because I was going to ask her what the quickest way to amputate your limb would be, chainsaw or a sawzall.

I just had dinner so I shouldn’t have to go downstairs anymore unless I have to use the bathroom. Or want a snack. But I will only snack if my pain levels return to normal (which they won’t) or my doc calls and calms me down so I don’t do anything to harm myself in the mean time. I am so sick of this shit. The pain has taken a life of it’s own. I can understand hurting at night when I have done nothing all day. But to bother me in the day time hours, too? NO, I won’t stand for it. Something needs to be done. Though what that is, I have no fucking clue. I am sure my PCP that I see tomorrow is going to be just as clueless. Least my pain meds work on the pain so I don’t need to change meds.

Thing is, I didn’t do anything different today than I normally do. I didn’t stand for hours on the train or waiting for the bus. I didn’t walk more than I normally do. I was having an okay day until the damn pain hit. Then everything went out the fucking window and I wanted to fucking die. I still feel that way but it’s more manageable since I have taken the Ativan and pain meds to control some of the pain. I would love to take a nap but it’s too late for it. I will just take my meds early tonight and try and see if I can sleep at a decent hour. I got to leave the house early tomorrow. I just hope my pain doesn’t get worse as time goes on. Or the pain meds wear off in the middle of the night and I am in excruciating pain. That always is my worry.

back to normal blogging…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back to Normal Blogging…

The blog I wrote earlier today was really difficult for me. I was crying in between paragraphs and had to take breaks because it stirred up so much emotion for me. By the time I was finished, I was mentally and physically exhausted. Then my ankle flared up so there went taking a nap. My feet got cold so I put on my socks. As I was putting them on my bad ankle, the elastic hurt my ankle as it slipped on past it. It was so damn painful I was seeing stars. Then I felt it to calm it down and it was really throbbing. I could feel it pulsating. That never happened before so I took some Ativan thinking it might be the beginning of a spasm.

I was supposed to get my DVD today of “A few good men”. The tracking said it was “delivered” at around 0930 this morning but nothing was in my mailbox. Liars. It didn’t get delivered until this evening with the rest of the mail. If I am still up, I will watch the movie. There is nothing like a good Tom Cruise movie to see when you feel bad. I really wanted to take a shower and should have taken it after I wrote my blog. I had a window before it really started throbbing and I missed it. Now I have to wait till either later tonight when my pain meds kick in or tomorrow. I am leaning for tomorrow. I have a new soap I want to try so I really would like to shower. It’s made for winter dryness by Dove. I hope it helps with the eczema on my face.

I got crappy sleep last night despite taking a crap load of meds. I think my strong pain meds made me restless as I was up every couple of hours. I finally gave up around 0430 and had a PB and J sandwich because I was hungry. That settled me down some and I was able to get back to sleep till around 0930-1000. I made coffee and finished off the cherry pie. Then I figured I might as well have something more than pie so I finished off what was left of the Shepard’s pie. It was so good reheated. It’s one of my favorite comfort foods.

I had bought some popcorn shrimp and I think I will have that tomorrow for lunch. I haven’t had popcorn shrimp in a long time, mostly because I don’t think of buying it when I am in the store. It was expensive but I didn’t care. It’s not something I buy all the time. I usually get fish sticks or filets. They used to sell a bag of filets online but they don’t anymore. I guess you need to get them at the store now. Next time I go to Market basket, I am going to get them. It’s cheaper there than at Stop and Shop.

I got a cranberry muffin recipe online. I might try it once my pain flare up has settled down. I don’t want the cranberries I bought to go to waste. I like baking. If I do it in the morning, I don’t have that many problems but trying to do it in the afternoon is not always good. It all depends on how much I sleep.

Incompetence and needs: A story of transference

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Incompetence and needs: A story of transference

My therapist read my Thanksgiving Eve blog and was basically horrified to find that she is inadequate for my needs. She wanted me, again, to see another therapist that was local as seeing someone in person on a regular basis might be more helpful to me. I nixed the idea because I don’t want to start over with someone new. She said it would be more as an adjunctive way. I don’t give a fuck, I am not setting out to see a new therapist. Then she brought up the whole CBT therapist idea. Nixed that too.

It got me thinking about what I need from my therapist. Frankly I don’t know. We have been struggling with my suicidality for so long that it just goes on without a resolution. It got me thinking about the CAMS philosophy and frankly, even though my therapist has been collaborative, she really hasn’t been. She acts more like a friend than a therapist at times. It has been driving me crazy since she took up the majority of the session with her guilt talk, whether it was directed towards me or her, I am not sure. She feels like she is failing me. Hence her incompetence.

There is more to solving suicidality than filling out the SSF forms. Again she brought up if she only knew how to get me to “open up” and write the answers she needs on the stupid forms, she will feel better. But that is not how it works. The SSF just provides you with problems that need solving so that you don’t end your life. The therapist and client are to work together to solve these issues so that life becomes more tolerable rather than intolerable, a “life worth living”. I’m never going to reach that stage of treatment because maybe I am too stubborn to give up my suicidality long enough to find a life worth living. I just go about my daily business of drinking coffee, writing this blog, taking care of my family and then dealing with a stupid therapist twice a week that drives me absolutely fucking insane with her idiocy.

Maybe we have been together too long and can’t see the forest for the trees. We are wrapped up in something and our path has gone so far astray that we just can meet anymore eye to eye. Maybe we are too close because my heart was really breaking today while she was droning on and on about seeing another therapist and how she was basically failing me. Yes, she is a pain in the ass. She is an idiot, but who isn’t really? I texted her that tomorrow will be our last session. I seriously doubt she will take me seriously. I don’t even know what no therapy will look like. I don’t want to know but what else can I do? Go on with a therapist that hates me on some level for calling her out?

Usually you bring up stuff and it gets dealt with and then you move on from it somehow, someway. A few years ago, we were at this impasse. The same issues were covered today. They haven’t moved on because they haven’t been dealt with. I know what needs to be done but I am just too much of a chicken shit. And there we have the needs piece again. I could list them and they would have NOTHING to do with the list from Shneidman. But I feel insecure and my therapist, even though she won’t admit it, does too. That was evident today and it was killing me inside. It broke my heart.

I know I have called my therapist a lot of names in this blog today, but I still believe she is right for me because we have a connection. Granted right now, that connection is a little frail but we are still tethered. The last time we talk about this, we went over Shneidman’s needs. He had 20 of them and I think I boiled them down to less than 10 that affected me, because part of his theory was that frustrated needs causes suicidal thinking. A lot has happened to me this year, more than any other year to date. Problem is that we just talk about shit in circles and we just go around and around because we are just on this merry-go-round that doesn’t have a stop.

People go to therapy for different reasons. I have a whole slew of them that are basically being neglected and possibly fueling my suicidality. I could list them but if you read my blog or my tweets every day you can probably figure out what the major ones are. I know my therapist can’t do shit about my physical pain, neither can my psychiatrist. I have trauma history, a death in my family that still hasn’t been quite dealt with, PTSD that I don’t think is managed, etc. just to name a few. I read blogs from fellow friends that suffer the same kinds of things that I struggle with yet they are dealing with differently. One of my blog friends has severe PTSD and has anxiety that tears her apart at times. My anxiety, though not a principle symptom, has becoming more of a problem lately because of my damn pain syndrome. It drives me to suicidal thinking. And there is no cut off valve when that level has been reached. So far I have managed but I still plan and strategize my suicidal plan because it comforts me to know I have a way out. I still don’t know what is going to happen this week. I know I have put off my plan but it’s back on again because, why the hell not if my therapist is pulling away from me, even though she says she is not.

In my head, I think I have spoiled my therapist. I bring her treats and indulge in her fantasy that I won’t kill myself. Maybe we both are trapped in that fantasy because I am still here either way you look at it. I have tried to bring her the reality my death will bring and even tried to say if I die, here is the help you need to find. I once brought her an article about it that she refused to read. She doesn’t think I will kill myself. Maybe that is what is keeping me going but it is also draining me to keep up this front week after week. I want to die very badly, to get away from myself because there are so many things I can’t stand about me. Being in pain every single day and night is also taxing me. Knowing the fact that my pain syndrome has changed course on me hasn’t helped matters. All I can do is what the voices tell me to do at the end of the day. So far I have ignored them, but one of these days, I will give in and things will finally be at peace. For me anyways.