Tag: chronic pain

5 O’Clock Pain hour and other thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Five O’clock Pain Hour and other thoughts

I woke up at 0500. Within a few minutes I was in pain. I took some meds and I have been thinking some stuff that is making me a little nervous. I keep thinking about going into the hospital. Trouble is that, I don’t want to go back to the unit I was on in May. They don’t have any real “treatment” so it would be a waste of time. If I go on the other unit my psychiatrist was telling me about, maybe I would have some kind of treatment. I am going to email my psych and see if she still wants me to go in the hospital. I had another suicidal moment last night and it was really scary. Luckily, I talked with a friend of mine from Canada.

I still don’t know what the plan is for my therapist and it’s giving me anxiety. I know she doesn’t want to quit on me but with me having an “adjunctive” therapist, I can’t see how we are going to work. I don’t understand why SHE can do the things that this therapist is going to do. She is supposed train in some DBT stuff and she has some trauma training. I just don’t see why suddenly she can’t help me. It’s so frustrating. I just feel like it’s my fault, that I did something wrong somehow. I know that is my defensive thinking going on. Whenever something goes wrong, I immediately think it’s my fault. But I don’t know where the fault is or what it is.

I went online to see how much glasses were. If I order them online it’s $125 dollars and that includes transition lenses. Thing is the glasses tend to not fit right. I have to play around with them to make them fit right. If I go to an optical place I know I will pay at least 3 times that amount. And I want to get a pair of sunglasses for driving. For some reason the transitions do not work when you are in a car, which makes it difficult to drive when it is sunny out.

I took a shower yesterday morning at like 0430. I just hope I didn’t wake up my sister and brother in law. My shower is above their bedroom. I cared but not really. I really needed a shower and had to shave. My trimmer ran out of gas so I have it charging now. I hope it charges. I tried to use it while plugged in and it didn’t work at all. It was dead. I really love this trimmer and I hope I didn’t let it die on me.

possible admission

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Possible admission

My psych called me after my last blog post. I was too drugged up to write what she said so I will write it now. She would like me to consider admission to her hospital where they have a med/psych unit. I told her let’s see how today’s appointments go. I packed a bag just in case. I have been up since 0330. I just finished taking a shower and ready to take a nap.

I have never been to this floor so I don’t know what to expect. I could be there a few days to a couple weeks. I just don’t know what the doctors are like or the nursing staff. I won’t carry my bags to the hospital, but I will leave them where my sister can get them to bring to me. It was easy packing as I really didn’t unpack since my last admission in May.

The shower wore me out. I feel like a ton of bricks have fallen on me. I had to shower because below my fat belly was a scratch that has become annoyingly irritated. I had a bandage on it and the adhesive irritated me more than the scratch. I had to shower to remove it before I caused more scratches. My skin is very sensitive and doesn’t take long for me to remove skin while scratching.

I hope this won’t be my last blog post for a while. I hope to have use of my phone while in the hospital. But if I don’t, I guess I won’t be blogging. I will write later if I can.

Pain changes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain changes

I used to have pain that began anywhere between 1800-2300. Now it’s starting to happen around 1400 in the afternoon. WTF. It’s the same type of pain I experience at night, only earlier in the day now. And it lasts well into the evening. Because it’s day time, I can’t take a full dose of meds unless I know I am doing absolutely nothing the rest of the day because I am basically drugged up. It usually knocks me out and I sleep, which messes with my night time sleeping. Today I took one pain pill when I came home from Starbucks and then paged my psychiatrist because I felt uneasy.

I was supposed to kill myself today, so this pain isn’t helping that feeling of wanting to die. I told my therapist that I would use my crisis response plan if I was in trouble. I am not to the point of needing to go to the ER but I do need to talk to my psych because she can help calm me down. My therapist will just get excited and be no use to me then have to get off the phone with me, leaving me feeling in worse shape before she called. Least with my psychiatrist we can come up with some kind of plan until I meet with her tomorrow.

I took an Ativan because my anxiety was getting up. I feel mellow now. I also want to sleep but my psych hasn’t called back and I don’t want to miss her call. I guess it’s good that I am not anxious because I was going to ask her what the quickest way to amputate your limb would be, chainsaw or a sawzall.

I just had dinner so I shouldn’t have to go downstairs anymore unless I have to use the bathroom. Or want a snack. But I will only snack if my pain levels return to normal (which they won’t) or my doc calls and calms me down so I don’t do anything to harm myself in the mean time. I am so sick of this shit. The pain has taken a life of it’s own. I can understand hurting at night when I have done nothing all day. But to bother me in the day time hours, too? NO, I won’t stand for it. Something needs to be done. Though what that is, I have no fucking clue. I am sure my PCP that I see tomorrow is going to be just as clueless. Least my pain meds work on the pain so I don’t need to change meds.

Thing is, I didn’t do anything different today than I normally do. I didn’t stand for hours on the train or waiting for the bus. I didn’t walk more than I normally do. I was having an okay day until the damn pain hit. Then everything went out the fucking window and I wanted to fucking die. I still feel that way but it’s more manageable since I have taken the Ativan and pain meds to control some of the pain. I would love to take a nap but it’s too late for it. I will just take my meds early tonight and try and see if I can sleep at a decent hour. I got to leave the house early tomorrow. I just hope my pain doesn’t get worse as time goes on. Or the pain meds wear off in the middle of the night and I am in excruciating pain. That always is my worry.

back to normal blogging…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back to Normal Blogging…

The blog I wrote earlier today was really difficult for me. I was crying in between paragraphs and had to take breaks because it stirred up so much emotion for me. By the time I was finished, I was mentally and physically exhausted. Then my ankle flared up so there went taking a nap. My feet got cold so I put on my socks. As I was putting them on my bad ankle, the elastic hurt my ankle as it slipped on past it. It was so damn painful I was seeing stars. Then I felt it to calm it down and it was really throbbing. I could feel it pulsating. That never happened before so I took some Ativan thinking it might be the beginning of a spasm.

I was supposed to get my DVD today of “A few good men”. The tracking said it was “delivered” at around 0930 this morning but nothing was in my mailbox. Liars. It didn’t get delivered until this evening with the rest of the mail. If I am still up, I will watch the movie. There is nothing like a good Tom Cruise movie to see when you feel bad. I really wanted to take a shower and should have taken it after I wrote my blog. I had a window before it really started throbbing and I missed it. Now I have to wait till either later tonight when my pain meds kick in or tomorrow. I am leaning for tomorrow. I have a new soap I want to try so I really would like to shower. It’s made for winter dryness by Dove. I hope it helps with the eczema on my face.

I got crappy sleep last night despite taking a crap load of meds. I think my strong pain meds made me restless as I was up every couple of hours. I finally gave up around 0430 and had a PB and J sandwich because I was hungry. That settled me down some and I was able to get back to sleep till around 0930-1000. I made coffee and finished off the cherry pie. Then I figured I might as well have something more than pie so I finished off what was left of the Shepard’s pie. It was so good reheated. It’s one of my favorite comfort foods.

I had bought some popcorn shrimp and I think I will have that tomorrow for lunch. I haven’t had popcorn shrimp in a long time, mostly because I don’t think of buying it when I am in the store. It was expensive but I didn’t care. It’s not something I buy all the time. I usually get fish sticks or filets. They used to sell a bag of filets online but they don’t anymore. I guess you need to get them at the store now. Next time I go to Market basket, I am going to get them. It’s cheaper there than at Stop and Shop.

I got a cranberry muffin recipe online. I might try it once my pain flare up has settled down. I don’t want the cranberries I bought to go to waste. I like baking. If I do it in the morning, I don’t have that many problems but trying to do it in the afternoon is not always good. It all depends on how much I sleep.