Don’t feel like writing today. Did too much and pain is horrible.
Here is a song that is running rampant in my head. Hope you like it
Don’t feel like writing today. Did too much and pain is horrible.
Here is a song that is running rampant in my head. Hope you like it
Another pain day
I went to bed at what is turning out to be my normal time of between 3 and 4 am (or later). I had woken up around 6 so used the bathroom and then took my morning meds so I wouldn’t wake up in a few hours. Then fell back to sleep.
I woke up with someone walking up the back stairs. My cousin, who has schizophrenia, came over and was fricken yelling for my mother to open the door. He wasn’t coherent in his speech as she kept asking him if he was at the back door. All the yelling back and forth made me stay in bed even though my bladder was close to bursting. I did not want to see my cousin at all because he starts a conversation and it always makes no sense. He left about a half hour later and I rushed to the bathroom.
I made some coffee. I wanted to change my sheets today but didn’t know if I would because my legs were killing me. My right calf is still being a fuck and my left hammy is still sore, though not as much as it was yesterday. I finished my coffee and then went back to my room. I had cleared off my nightstand so I could put my cup of coffee but no use for it now. I got back into bed and decided to clear off some of my office. I started putting the books and notebooks on the cleared area of my nightstand. It turned into a pile! I have no idea how this accumulated. I took off the few clothing items I had. I had to sit every so often because my legs were being stubborn. I had just one corner, the one that accumulates shit like weeds, to be cleared off. I had to use the bathroom again and when I came back, I cleared it off. I sat for a while. I know I couldn’t change my sheets. There was no way I could stand long enough for that to happen as my calf was already giving me fits and had started cramping. I had tried stretching, kneading, massage, rubbing all to no effect of relieving the soreness. Finally I put the heating pad on and that has helped a little bit. I didn’t want to because I was fricken hot but it had to be done.
I had my comforter full of my finger pickings and somehow nails that had escaped while cutting them. I took it off the bed to wash. Now I just got to change the sheets, which I will do tomorrow. I still got to have some energy to shave my head, although I am kind of sleepy so maybe it will wait till tomorrow.
I had given myself the T shot soon after midnight. My left thigh was not happy. I tried to lay down to sleep afterward but I kept getting knee pain. I had to put a lidocaine patch on that area for it to calm down. I knew giving the shot was risking as my thigh has been bothering me for the past week. I hope it is just sore from the injection and not something else. I guess I will find out tomorrow.
Tomorrow I am going to try and go to Stop and Shop to get more Powerade. I only have one bottle left. I would have had more had there not been a fricken tainted lot that tasted like orange. It was so potent even as I emptied the bottle, the smell was overwhelming. I now know to avoid that lot. If you drink lemon-lime Powerade that is regular, not zero, it is the lot that ends with PWC1. I don’t know if I will go, depends on if I change my bedding or not. I am getting closer to having this done though! Such a bloody task to do.
Gender dysphoria flares again
I had PT today. I didn’t get to drink more than one cup of coffee. I could barely finish the cup as I had to run. I was in slow mo today as I was just so tired. I had another bad night sleeping. I really have no idea what time I fell asleep but I know it was after 0230. I got dressed and wore my favorite flannel shirt that I found last night while going through my clothes.
Because of the standing and sort of half bending I did (with breaks because my back wasn’t having it), my hammy on the left and both calves were killing me. I could barely move which further slowed me down. I had the button down flannel on and it was a little tight in the chest area, so much so that it triggered my loathing of the things on me. I tried to ignore it and listen to my music but it was like a band around me and I hated it so bad. I thought about top surgery again. I honestly don’t know if I can do it, especially as I am really suicidal right now. I just don’t feel that is a priority right now. At the same time, I want these stupid things off. I hate myself for being in the wrong body. It also sort of throws gas on the suicidal fire that is going on.
I came home after getting some pizza at one of the local pizza places. I got the Sicilian kind as I really wanted it. I found five bucks in the shirt so it was sort of a reward. By the time I got to my room to change, my fucking legs gave up on me and both feet were killing me. I got my laptop and was scrolling through Twitter. There was a physician weekly chat and the topic today was insurances, specifically how they deny services or delay care due to prior authorizations. It made me think of top surgery and moving forward with it as I am not sure my insurance will cover it and then I will be screwed. My PCP had mentioned that it will take some doing with both of my insurances to get the surgery covered. There is a meeting of transmen I am thinking of attending the first week in April, if I don’t end up ending things before then.
I’ve had it with my fucking mother. She has been calling me my birthname the past few days and today with all the gender dysphoria going on, I just can’t deal. It is sending me further down the black hole I am in. She refuses to call me by my legal name or use the right pronouns. I am so fucking upset. I just feel like I am a fucking outsider in my own home. No one in my house respects me. I give it to them. I guess I am not worth the same in return. I am just done. I got three more notes to write. Hope I can do it. No one is to blame except me.
You must be logged in to post a comment.