Tag: chronic pain

Free falling with no safety net

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Free falling with no safety net

I didn’t think I would write a post today. I had been working on my office, going through my stuff, throwing away, recycling, or giving to goodwill. I was hurting but it was bearable. I didn’t eat much all day. I really have no appetite. I had a protein bar at like 3 am and didn’t eat again till twelve hours later. I made a custard pie that took forever because my oven sucks. I had a slice of that. It was so good.

Right now my right heel and my left metatarsals are competing as to who is going to hurt more. Right now my left is (the CRPS one). I am having so many symptoms of CRPS right now that I doubt I will sleep even though I am exhausted.

I was talking to my mother about my desk. She doesn’t want to get rid of it. FFS. My sisters and I had agreed to toss it because it is much to large and heavy to move. It is too big for my bedroom. And there would be no point if they end up tearing my rug out. I think the floor is rotten and needs to be done because there have been spots that have some up through the rug and we aren’t sure why. It might be mold. I know the drywall where my headboard is needs to be redone because the bubbling has spread. Whether or not that is due to mold, I have no clue. I don’t understand why it wasn’t addressed when I wasn’t moved in and it could have been replaced. But my room had just been painted and I think they didn’t want to mess with it. I don’t know. I just go along with things.

My aunt had come over and between her and my mother calling me my birth name and “she”, it set off my gender dysphoria. My boobs still feel really heavy. I know I am losing weight because I have no appetite. I can’t wait till next week when I can order my chicken patties and fish. I won’t be able to place my order until Wed, though I am not sure I will be able to as I need to pay off my cell phone in full on Monday, which doesn’t leave me with much afterwards. My full check on Wed will need to go toward all my bills.

I am listening to Celine Dion. I bought a few songs of hers that I haven’t listened to in a while. Seems Amazon has a knock off version of her songs and I foolishly bought 4 and then had to buy the correct 4. Damn assholes. I hate iTunes worse so I will stick with Amazon for now.

Left foot has gone berserk. I thought I had the phone far enough away but I didn’t. It is now buzzing intensely from the sound waves. I just took a melatonin to help me sleep. I hope it overrides the exhaustion to make me sleep. Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. He would have been 87. My sisters and I plan on going to the track. I really don’t want to as I don’t gamble (I have no clue how to bet on horses). I rather just have a family dinner. I was overruled. I don’t seem to have a say for anything anymore. I feel like I don’t matter to my family at all. Just adds gas to the suicidal fire. Last night, I wrote another suicide note. I think I took a pic of it and posted it on Twitter, not knowing if anyone can read my scribble. It was handwritten. I have been trying all day not to think about my dark side and now, with the pain, it is so hard to fight it. I might as well give in. I am not worth anything. As my chemistry teacher told me long ago, we are just a bag of chemicals. That is all we are.

Moving Sugarland song

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

Don’t feel like writing today. Did too much and pain is horrible.

Here is a song that is running rampant in my head. Hope you like it

another pain day number 983747

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Another pain day

I went to bed at what is turning out to be my normal time of between 3 and 4 am (or later). I had woken up around 6 so used the bathroom and then took my morning meds so I wouldn’t wake up in a few hours. Then fell back to sleep.

I woke up with someone walking up the back stairs. My cousin, who has schizophrenia, came over and was fricken yelling for my mother to open the door. He wasn’t coherent in his speech as she kept asking him if he was at the back door. All the yelling back and forth made me stay in bed even though my bladder was close to bursting. I did not want to see my cousin at all because he starts a conversation and it always makes no sense. He left about a half hour later and I rushed to the bathroom.

I made some coffee. I wanted to change my sheets today but didn’t know if I would because my legs were killing me. My right calf is still being a fuck and my left hammy is still sore, though not as much as it was yesterday. I finished my coffee and then went back to my room. I had cleared off my nightstand so I could put my cup of coffee but no use for it now. I got back into bed and decided to clear off some of my office. I started putting the books and notebooks on the cleared area of my nightstand. It turned into a pile! I have no idea how this accumulated. I took off the few clothing items I had. I had to sit every so often because my legs were being stubborn. I had just one corner, the one that accumulates shit like weeds, to be cleared off. I had to use the bathroom again and when I came back, I cleared it off. I sat for a while. I know I couldn’t change my sheets. There was no way I could stand long enough for that to happen as my calf was already giving me fits and had started cramping. I had tried stretching, kneading, massage, rubbing all to no effect of relieving the soreness. Finally I put the heating pad on and that has helped a little bit. I didn’t want to because I was fricken hot but it had to be done.

I had my comforter full of my finger pickings and somehow nails that had escaped while cutting them. I took it off the bed to wash. Now I just got to change the sheets, which I will do tomorrow. I still got to have some energy to shave my head, although I am kind of sleepy so maybe it will wait till tomorrow.

I had given myself the T shot soon after midnight. My left thigh was not happy. I tried to lay down to sleep afterward but I kept getting knee pain. I had to put a lidocaine patch on that area for it to calm down. I knew giving the shot was risking as my thigh has been bothering me for the past week. I hope it is just sore from the injection and not something else. I guess I will find out tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am going to try and go to Stop and Shop to get more Powerade. I only have one bottle left. I would have had more had there not been a fricken tainted lot that tasted like orange. It was so potent even as I emptied the bottle, the smell was overwhelming. I now know to avoid that lot. If you drink lemon-lime Powerade that is regular, not zero, it is the lot that ends with PWC1. I don’t know if I will go, depends on if I change my bedding or not. I am getting closer to having this done though! Such a bloody task to do.