Tag: coffee

another pain day number 983747

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Another pain day

I went to bed at what is turning out to be my normal time of between 3 and 4 am (or later). I had woken up around 6 so used the bathroom and then took my morning meds so I wouldn’t wake up in a few hours. Then fell back to sleep.

I woke up with someone walking up the back stairs. My cousin, who has schizophrenia, came over and was fricken yelling for my mother to open the door. He wasn’t coherent in his speech as she kept asking him if he was at the back door. All the yelling back and forth made me stay in bed even though my bladder was close to bursting. I did not want to see my cousin at all because he starts a conversation and it always makes no sense. He left about a half hour later and I rushed to the bathroom.

I made some coffee. I wanted to change my sheets today but didn’t know if I would because my legs were killing me. My right calf is still being a fuck and my left hammy is still sore, though not as much as it was yesterday. I finished my coffee and then went back to my room. I had cleared off my nightstand so I could put my cup of coffee but no use for it now. I got back into bed and decided to clear off some of my office. I started putting the books and notebooks on the cleared area of my nightstand. It turned into a pile! I have no idea how this accumulated. I took off the few clothing items I had. I had to sit every so often because my legs were being stubborn. I had just one corner, the one that accumulates shit like weeds, to be cleared off. I had to use the bathroom again and when I came back, I cleared it off. I sat for a while. I know I couldn’t change my sheets. There was no way I could stand long enough for that to happen as my calf was already giving me fits and had started cramping. I had tried stretching, kneading, massage, rubbing all to no effect of relieving the soreness. Finally I put the heating pad on and that has helped a little bit. I didn’t want to because I was fricken hot but it had to be done.

I had my comforter full of my finger pickings and somehow nails that had escaped while cutting them. I took it off the bed to wash. Now I just got to change the sheets, which I will do tomorrow. I still got to have some energy to shave my head, although I am kind of sleepy so maybe it will wait till tomorrow.

I had given myself the T shot soon after midnight. My left thigh was not happy. I tried to lay down to sleep afterward but I kept getting knee pain. I had to put a lidocaine patch on that area for it to calm down. I knew giving the shot was risking as my thigh has been bothering me for the past week. I hope it is just sore from the injection and not something else. I guess I will find out tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am going to try and go to Stop and Shop to get more Powerade. I only have one bottle left. I would have had more had there not been a fricken tainted lot that tasted like orange. It was so potent even as I emptied the bottle, the smell was overwhelming. I now know to avoid that lot. If you drink lemon-lime Powerade that is regular, not zero, it is the lot that ends with PWC1. I don’t know if I will go, depends on if I change my bedding or not. I am getting closer to having this done though! Such a bloody task to do.

gender dysphoria flares again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Gender dysphoria flares again

I had PT today. I didn’t get to drink more than one cup of coffee. I could barely finish the cup as I had to run. I was in slow mo today as I was just so tired. I had another bad night sleeping. I really have no idea what time I fell asleep but I know it was after 0230. I got dressed and wore my favorite flannel shirt that I found last night while going through my clothes.

Because of the standing and sort of half bending I did (with breaks because my back wasn’t having it), my hammy on the left and both calves were killing me. I could barely move which further slowed me down. I had the button down flannel on and it was a little tight in the chest area, so much so that it triggered my loathing of the things on me. I tried to ignore it and listen to my music but it was like a band around me and I hated it so bad. I thought about top surgery again. I honestly don’t know if I can do it, especially as I am really suicidal right now. I just don’t feel that is a priority right now. At the same time, I want these stupid things off. I hate myself for being in the wrong body. It also sort of throws gas on the suicidal fire that is going on.

I came home after getting some pizza at one of the local pizza places. I got the Sicilian kind as I really wanted it. I found five bucks in the shirt so it was sort of a reward. By the time I got to my room to change, my fucking legs gave up on me and both feet were killing me. I got my laptop and was scrolling through Twitter. There was a physician weekly chat and the topic today was insurances, specifically how they deny services or delay care due to prior authorizations. It made me think of top surgery and moving forward with it as I am not sure my insurance will cover it and then I will be screwed. My PCP had mentioned that it will take some doing with both of my insurances to get the surgery covered. There is a meeting of transmen I am thinking of attending the first week in April, if I don’t end up ending things before then.

I’ve had it with my fucking mother. She has been calling me my birthname the past few days and today with all the gender dysphoria going on, I just can’t deal. It is sending me further down the black hole I am in. She refuses to call me by my legal name or use the right pronouns. I am so fucking upset. I just feel like I am a fucking outsider in my own home. No one in my house respects me. I give it to them. I guess I am not worth the same in return. I am just done. I got three more notes to write. Hope I can do it. No one is to blame except me.

Depression sucks despite warm weather

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Depression sucks despite warm weather

I slept pretty good last night, waking up only once to use the bathroom and thankfully going back to sleep without major problems. My med alarm woke me up and I took my meds. I didn’t want to get up but knew if I didn’t, I would take them late again. I slept another two hours before my mother yelling at her sister woke me up. I looked at the time and it was about time to shower. I didn’t want to leave my bed and thought fleetingly of canceling my appointment. I just was so down. I was also irritable as the fricken TV was going through my fucking head. I have no idea why I am so sensitive to sounds lately. Just puts me in a wicked bad mood once my head starts hurting.

I took a shower and thankfully didn’t throw up as the post nasal drip was horrible. I took some Flonase when I got up to my room. With the warm weather, my sinuses were causing my head to hurt. I looked at the pressure and it was almost one point lower. Lovely. By the time I got to my appointment, I had a migraine. I had brought a migraine med with me, as I didn’t know if the headache would turn into one. My psych is a child psychiatrist so while waiting for her, a kid was playing some toy and she might as well have been hammering my head with whatever she was playing with.

I brought my barber his dinner. He was so happy. I was glad. I had one portion that I made for myself. I am glad I brought it as I was hungry. I had my coffee and a pop tart but was still hungry. I ate the cornbread around the meat. I wish there was a place I could have heated it up but I wasn’t going to walk to the café of the hospital to do it. My feet would hate me. When I did get to the hospital, I was an hour early so just sat in a coffee place area and journaled. While there, a lady came up to me saying I looked “official.” I laughed in my head as she explained she needed directions. She needed to go to a different building and wanted me to take her there. I wasn’t going to take her there as I was in the building I needed to be in. She got frazzled and I just pointed her to where she needed to go. I hardly looked “official” as I was wearing my Sox uniform top and sweatpants. I told my psych and she laughed.

I told my psych about how my living situation is changing. Though we talked about the therapist situation first. I really don’t know what I am going to do about it. At this point, it is easier to go there, if I can, for therapy. The social worker got back to me today and said I could see her to talk as she tries to look for something else. I didn’t tell my psych how suicidal I have been, though I had been emailing so I think she does know. I next meet her on the date I had planned. I didn’t want to do it and I still might not show up. Depends how I feel that week. I am still ambivalent about it so go back and forth with wanting to and not wanting to. Maybe I will just toss a fucking coin and decide.

If you are reading this day of posting (15 Mar), if you could please keep the firefighters of my hometown in your prayer, mojo, vibes, etc. I would appreciate it. They are currently battling a 9 alarm fire. People in the area are being evacuated as the fumes are really bad. I hope all stay safe.

Both ankles suck!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Both ankles suck!

I hardly got any sleep last night. Some of it was due to pain. I was talking to a friend via FB messenger last night and the stabbing pains began. Then I don’t remember what I did, if I got up and then went back to bed or what, but I slammed that side of my foot onto the mattress and I saw stars. Melatonin and Ativan had already begun to do their magic and I was so itching to get to sleep but how can you sleep when your ankle bone is being hammered and the joint space is being stabbed repeatedly??

I slept a light sleep. My alarm went off and I just shut it off. I turned over and got about an hour or two before I woke up again. It was around 10 or so. I decided to shower as I needed one. The T is making the chemistry of my sweat change and I am smelly. I don’t like this new smell. I came back to my room after showering without any mishaps. I then decided to put on the new brace I have so I could break it in. I wanted to try wearing it outside.

I had to do an errand for my mother so after killing some time on my phone, I got dressed. One thing that sucks with the brace is going downstairs is harder because it is restrictive. I loosened up the wrap around part and that made movement a little better. I grabbed the stuff I needed before going out and asked my mother if she needed anything before I descended down the stairs. She only needed the paper for Walgreens. OK. I went down and put my shoes on. I am glad the brace fits in my boot but I couldn’t zip them up as it was just too wide for them. I swear I am going to stretch out both boots between my AFO and this brace. I checked outside to see if I needed a scarf and got blasted with sunlight. I closed the door and put on my sunglasses, grabbed my jacket and backpack, then left. I did my mother’s errand and had like a good half hour, if not more, to wait for the bus to the Square. I decided to take the other bus and catch another bus. It would be the same time as I got to Starbucks around noon. I had my espresso and some egg bite things with Gruyere cheese and bacon. It was good and very filling.

I wrote in my journal for a bit, keeping an eye on the time. I wanted to listen to a Luke Bryan song and when I went into the album, the songs were missing. WTF. I had to download them again because Amazon music sucks! I listened to other songs as I wrote. I was kind of nervous meeting the social worker. I printed out the spreadsheets I use to help me finagle my finances. I was looking for her for help in trying to sort them out without being stressed. I wrote for a bit and had to take the brace off as I didn’t want to wear it the whole time I was out. My PT had told me not to wear it for more than 2 hours until it is broken in.

I got to the hospital early. I could have seen my friends in the lab but decided not to. I went to the building where the social worker’s office was. She wasn’t at my PCP’s office, thank god but it was still a walk around the place. I got to the coffee shop in the main aisle and was reminiscing about all the times I got my coffee there, while I continued to walk. I was about to enter a different building when I caught myself as it was not the way to where the social worker was. I laughed at myself at my mistake. I was still early and around 2 she called me in. We went over my bills and she asked what my bills were and what my income was. The way it is right now, I will have $1 after all is paid. This is only because I have to pay my cellphone in full this month or they will cut it off. I have no idea how I got behind in my bills. I just know I can’t spend $200 on groceries anymore. I just can’t afford it. I think a week before I get paid, I will start my list. There are things I buy all the time that are a good chunk of money, but that is only because Peapod jacks the price for being delivered, in addition to the delivery fee. Assholes. So anyways, she told me some ways I could save and some finance person that blogs about managing money I could get tips from. We discussed opening an account, but I am hesitant to do so. My savings money always seems to be my spending money after a while. I told some things I want to get but I can’t right now due to not having enough to do it. I left with some ideas I will try next month.

Going home, my heel flared up so walking was difficult. I missed the 313 bus at the Square and I didn’t feel like waiting for the 430 one. I took another bus and then another bus home. Took me an hour because the second bus was late. Neither foot or ankle were liking me much. I had to pee really bad so soon as I walked in the door, I went to my sister’s apartment to use the bathroom. I knew I wasn’t going to make it if I went to my bathroom. I then sorted the mail before going upstairs. I gave my mother her mail and then went up to my room to change. Because last week I didn’t eat right, I supposedly lost 10 pounds. I hope I keep it off but we’ll see. My mother made pork for dinner tonight. Yuck. I ate it but it was making me sick. I went upstairs again and my ankles were in mutiny. Sadly, both hurt in relatively the same areas. I took some ibuprofen, pain med, and Tylenol. I am so tired. I was going to read Harry but I am getting a headache from lack of sleep so I am just going to try and see if I can sleep before midnight. I got PT tomorrow and hope I don’t hurt all night like last week. I really missed going to Starbucks. Maybe I will go Thursday or so. My barber still needs his chili cornbread!