Tag: coffee

back out and game 162

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Back out and game 162

I had things to do today and my back is out. I can’t even so much as change my pants it hurts too much. I asked my niece to pick up my meds. That is the most important of the errands that need to be done today. I can possibly get the half and half tomorrow while I am out for my morning appointment, if I remember and I am not in a huge rush to be home for my therapy appointment.

I couldn’t write yesterday as I was too tired. I had slept most of the day because I just couldn’t get going and when I did my back hurt. It has been a struggle to cath because I have to stand and it hurts my back. I just posted a cute cat pic. I had started “watching” the game via MLB.com and Twitter. By the 8th inning, I had to listen to the game. The suspense was killing me. I am glad I did because the bats became alive in the top of the 9th and we won the game 5-3. It was a nail biting game. Sale is pitching today. He is was one of my favorite pitchers and he is good so I am hoping if the Sox give him run support, we will win today.

I am hoping to shower and shave today. I smell. I have been sweating even though it has been cool in my room. I have to shave my head today because it has been almost three days since my last shave. It just gets rough if I don’t shave frequently. I am starting to get sort of a bowl top as the sides have grown in since my last haircut at the barber. I won’t be able to get another haircut until my next pay period. I am in financial straights right now as my stupid bank allow three transactions to go through without sufficient funds. Now I am in the negative and I have no idea how to get back to black. The fees alone are going to kill me. I am freaking out about how much I am not going to afford my bills next month being in debt the way that I am.

I need to make sure I am up tomorrow early so that I can go to the lab for my urine tests. I am having so much trouble with the stupid urge when I cath. I have an eye appointment in town. Hope my hip is better for walking tomorrow. I have a long walk to the office from the station. Hope I can walk to and back without problems. There is a Starbucks across the street so I can treat myself when I am finished. I just set two alarms so I am up. Hopefully I won’t shut them off and then doze off. That won’t be good!

another day of being depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Another day of being depressed

I woke up early for my doctor’s appointment. I had my coffee and then it was time to leave. The appointment went well. The doc saw no discharge and said that there is just a little opening left to heal. I am healing up pretty good. I should have used the bathroom before leaving but I just wanted to get home. I stopped at the CVS to get some water because I was thirsty. I don’t know if that played any effect but when I came home, I lost control of bladder. The urge was just so damn strong and I have been dealing with it since then. I cathed after I void and there is a lot of residual urine so I am not emptying my bladder when I void.

I asked the doc if taking out the uterus and the shift in hormone would play a part in the depression I have been feeling. She said it is unlikely but will send a note to my psychiatrist. I was so depressed today that moving was very difficult. I just felt like I was walking in mud. My legs felt so damn heavy. I came home and had something to eat then took a nap. I was in bed most of the afternoon.

I ordered Chipotle for dinner. It has been on my mind for most of the day. I wanted to bring my book with me but I forgot it. I almost forgot my bag with the caths in them. I wasn’t rushed to leave this morning I was just forgetful because I was sleepy. I had a good night sleep but this depression is taking away so much of my energy. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about increasing the antidepressant I am on and he said it was okay but because he wasn’t the prescriber, I would have to go through my neurologist. So I sent her a message. I probably won’t hear back from her till Tues or Wed.

I got on Twitter when I logged on my laptop. I was dismayed to see another variant of the virus is out. WTF. This thing is not going to go away until more people are vaccinated. I briefly read an article about how the anti-vaccine people don’t want people to go to the ERs anymore. I stopped reading it because I knew it was just going to upset me. I read one tweet where people were into hydrogen peroxide and I am like this is just nuts. There is a safe, effective vaccine out there that is free but people are spending their money on junk to avoid it.

Today was muggy even though it was only in the 70s. There was call for rain but I missed it. It rained sometime while I was snoozing as I heard the rain beat on my AC. I hope that is all the rain we are going to have because the Sox are playing at Fenway tonight and it’s an important game. Actually the next few games are important for the wild card. If we don’t beat the Yanks, our chance for playing in the playoffs won’t be good. We are on a 7 game streak right now. I just hope I will be awake to listen to the 9th inning. I am so damn tired despite having a nap. Maybe after I eat I will feel better.

haircut and shower exhausted me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Haircut and shower exhausted me

I had some energy this morning so I decided to get my haircut. When I came home I showered and now I am exhausted. I went to Starbucks for my mocha and something to eat. While walking back to the barber shop, I got winded and it took a while for me to catch my breath. I thought I was over covid but I guess not. It has been five months and I am still experiencing some side effects of the illness. Please, if you are reading this and haven’t been vaccinated, please get the shot.

I have been feeling depressed and my sleep has been awful. I was up most of the night. I just couldn’t sleep. It is pay week and I am worried about my finances. I already messed up and am overdrawn on my checking account. I thought I could pay all my bills with one check and I can’t. I need the supplemental pay I get from my long term disability claim to help with my bills. I still need to pay my cell phone and cable bill. I get paid tomorrow from the LTD so I won’t be in the negative but I will be down a hundred bucks. I should have some money to pay my sister back for the loan she gave me.

My therapist responded to the message I sent her about how to proceed in therapy. I asked her if we could just free associate rather than stick with a topic because I just am not motivated to work on my trauma right now. She said that we could do that if that will bring me in. I honestly was thinking of canceling next week’s session because I see it as pointless. I just am not really in the mood to talk about stuff. I just feel kind of stuck and don’t want to do anything. I have been reading so my concentration hasn’t been affected. My appetite has been sort of ok. I am eating less than what I should be eating. The other day all I had was a yogurt and an Ensure for the entire day. I just am not eating calories to get through the day. I am drinking fluids though because I have to make sure my bladder is empty every four hours, two if I drink coffee. I am so frustrated with the discharge. I am glad I am seeing the surgeon tomorrow because I can’t take wearing pads anymore. It has been five weeks that I have been wearing it and they are starting to irritate me.

My neurologist granted my request for lidocaine patches for my nerve pain on my thigh. I am so glad. I had a box of them but they expired years ago so I had to toss them. I am going to try and put them on my shin where most of my pain is most days. I don’t know if it will work because the skin is so sensitive it might hurt. I can no longer where socks that are thigh high. The elastic hurts me.

I have an easy week next week with just one appointment to see my therapist. I just put some money on my T pass so I might go to Starbucks to read or write while having my mocha. I meant to bring a book today but I forgot. It’s hard when I don’t carry a bag. I forget things. I am so tired. I think I am going to take a nap and then make a black bean burger for lunch/dinner. Hope I can sleep and not have weird fucking dreams. Last night I dreamt I was with my cousins and was laying in their bed after they made it. I don’t remember the reason I was there. But it was just weird.

writing on a Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing on a Monday

I’ve had two cups of coffee to ward off tiredness and the second cup has finally fueled my fire! Tomorrow evening I will be going to a webinar about writing as a caretaker. I hope this helps with some of the frustration I get with my mother and her chronic health issues, particularly her diabetes and chronic pain. The person leading the webinar is a renowned writer at the Massachusetts General Hosp. I have known her for years, by name only so this will be a treat to finally meet her. I took out my portfolio and was glad to find that one of my favorite pens was inside. That will be excellent writing material.

My appointment with my therapist is less than 3 hours from now. I am kind of nervous about going as I am in a bitchy mood. I want to text my therapist to tell her this but last time it didn’t go well and I got more angry and annoyed. It has only been a week since I last saw her but it feels like ages.

I just emptied my bladder and I am having pain. I don’t understand why. I wasn’t that full. I was just emptying my first cup of coffee. I will be emptying my second in a couple hours. I also need to brush my teeth. I bought Listerine so I can try and get rid of this canker in the back of my mouth. I know salt and water would probably work but it makes me gag so I rather use mouthwash.

I am finally out of the haze the flu shot put me under. Past few days have been rough with me sleeping all day. Today I am feeling a little more alert. I didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 6 and gave up as I was just resting my eyes and not really snoozing or sleeping. I had woke up to pee around 4 and just couldn’t get back to sleep. I probably will take a nap after therapy. I usually do.

I wore underwear and a pad last night. So far, pad is clean. No discharge, which is awesome. I am waiting for the nurse to call as she said she would check in with me. I hope it is before my appointment with my therapist. She also wants to call to see how my wound is. I think it is better as it has closed up. I have a band aid on it right now to keep it clean.

I am going to try and keep myself hydrated today. I have been really bad about that the past few days because I was sleeping on most of the day. I have to clear the recycles that have been accumulating on my bed and empty my bedside trash. Sox are off tonight. They have eleven games left in the season. They have a chance of playing in the wild card if they continue to win games. I already am feeling nervous about these final games. Going to need Ativan for listening to them.