Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Free form blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality

Writing this from phone so who knows if it will substitute words…

My CRPS foot has swelled up. Big toe is huge and foot is a melon. I have no idea why. I might have put more weight on it because of the heel pain in my right foot. Either way I cannot get the damn lower leg to relax enough so I can bloody sleep! Like WTF. I turn it this way and that and the muscles start trembling, in my foot and lower leg. I am fucking tired.

I got about two or three suicide notes to write. I got to find my post that have these lyrics because stupid me didn’t put the date on anything and it is bugging me. I am waiting for meds to kick in. Took another melatonin and ativan. Also took baclofen for the tremors. I don’t know what else to take.

Oh and you should NOT MIX ATIVAN/LORAZEPAM WITH ALCOHOL, LIKE EVER.

Just had to get that off my chest. I have been in bad moods before but this sucks. I am now feeling hopeless things will get better. I have PT tomorrow and no idea if I will be able to walk. I might get my nephew to drive me, if he isn’t doing anything. But not sure he will like going near where my father used to live and I don’t want to trigger him.

I wrote two more notes. Think two more are in order and then I will feel better to those left behind. Still few weeks away. Still may not go through with it. But it is on my mind tonight. Chronic pain is driving this more than anything or anyone else. I am just s hopeless case with bipolar disorder and unbearable pain, physical and emotional. I always knew one day I would die by my own hand. I just wish it was sooner than now. Last year was the right time. I wasted opportunity after opportunity. I just can’t deal with this bullshit anymore. Night after night after night of pain and no sleep. I’ve reached my breaking point. I call uncle.

Both ankles suck!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Both ankles suck!

I hardly got any sleep last night. Some of it was due to pain. I was talking to a friend via FB messenger last night and the stabbing pains began. Then I don’t remember what I did, if I got up and then went back to bed or what, but I slammed that side of my foot onto the mattress and I saw stars. Melatonin and Ativan had already begun to do their magic and I was so itching to get to sleep but how can you sleep when your ankle bone is being hammered and the joint space is being stabbed repeatedly??

I slept a light sleep. My alarm went off and I just shut it off. I turned over and got about an hour or two before I woke up again. It was around 10 or so. I decided to shower as I needed one. The T is making the chemistry of my sweat change and I am smelly. I don’t like this new smell. I came back to my room after showering without any mishaps. I then decided to put on the new brace I have so I could break it in. I wanted to try wearing it outside.

I had to do an errand for my mother so after killing some time on my phone, I got dressed. One thing that sucks with the brace is going downstairs is harder because it is restrictive. I loosened up the wrap around part and that made movement a little better. I grabbed the stuff I needed before going out and asked my mother if she needed anything before I descended down the stairs. She only needed the paper for Walgreens. OK. I went down and put my shoes on. I am glad the brace fits in my boot but I couldn’t zip them up as it was just too wide for them. I swear I am going to stretch out both boots between my AFO and this brace. I checked outside to see if I needed a scarf and got blasted with sunlight. I closed the door and put on my sunglasses, grabbed my jacket and backpack, then left. I did my mother’s errand and had like a good half hour, if not more, to wait for the bus to the Square. I decided to take the other bus and catch another bus. It would be the same time as I got to Starbucks around noon. I had my espresso and some egg bite things with Gruyere cheese and bacon. It was good and very filling.

I wrote in my journal for a bit, keeping an eye on the time. I wanted to listen to a Luke Bryan song and when I went into the album, the songs were missing. WTF. I had to download them again because Amazon music sucks! I listened to other songs as I wrote. I was kind of nervous meeting the social worker. I printed out the spreadsheets I use to help me finagle my finances. I was looking for her for help in trying to sort them out without being stressed. I wrote for a bit and had to take the brace off as I didn’t want to wear it the whole time I was out. My PT had told me not to wear it for more than 2 hours until it is broken in.

I got to the hospital early. I could have seen my friends in the lab but decided not to. I went to the building where the social worker’s office was. She wasn’t at my PCP’s office, thank god but it was still a walk around the place. I got to the coffee shop in the main aisle and was reminiscing about all the times I got my coffee there, while I continued to walk. I was about to enter a different building when I caught myself as it was not the way to where the social worker was. I laughed at myself at my mistake. I was still early and around 2 she called me in. We went over my bills and she asked what my bills were and what my income was. The way it is right now, I will have $1 after all is paid. This is only because I have to pay my cellphone in full this month or they will cut it off. I have no idea how I got behind in my bills. I just know I can’t spend $200 on groceries anymore. I just can’t afford it. I think a week before I get paid, I will start my list. There are things I buy all the time that are a good chunk of money, but that is only because Peapod jacks the price for being delivered, in addition to the delivery fee. Assholes. So anyways, she told me some ways I could save and some finance person that blogs about managing money I could get tips from. We discussed opening an account, but I am hesitant to do so. My savings money always seems to be my spending money after a while. I told some things I want to get but I can’t right now due to not having enough to do it. I left with some ideas I will try next month.

Going home, my heel flared up so walking was difficult. I missed the 313 bus at the Square and I didn’t feel like waiting for the 430 one. I took another bus and then another bus home. Took me an hour because the second bus was late. Neither foot or ankle were liking me much. I had to pee really bad so soon as I walked in the door, I went to my sister’s apartment to use the bathroom. I knew I wasn’t going to make it if I went to my bathroom. I then sorted the mail before going upstairs. I gave my mother her mail and then went up to my room to change. Because last week I didn’t eat right, I supposedly lost 10 pounds. I hope I keep it off but we’ll see. My mother made pork for dinner tonight. Yuck. I ate it but it was making me sick. I went upstairs again and my ankles were in mutiny. Sadly, both hurt in relatively the same areas. I took some ibuprofen, pain med, and Tylenol. I am so tired. I was going to read Harry but I am getting a headache from lack of sleep so I am just going to try and see if I can sleep before midnight. I got PT tomorrow and hope I don’t hurt all night like last week. I really missed going to Starbucks. Maybe I will go Thursday or so. My barber still needs his chili cornbread!

Daylight saving time sucks!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Daylight saving time sucks!

Last night I was just reading. I finished Langford’s Leap by Ted Boone. It was such a good female hero book. I cannot wait for the second book to come out. After I finished that, I read this memoir that I started in December. I might have mentioned it before as a “sugar-coated” book. It is terribly written and I just couldn’t finish it. It was getting me so damn frustrated because of the drops and not explaining then going on to something else. It also used mental health and mental illness like it was interchangeable (sorry, it most definitely is not). The author never went into her symptoms so I find it hard to relate to something when this was similar to what I have been writing for a while now. It was like she was putting it out there and then just left it there. Like she would say she was suicidal or had a suicide attempt where she didn’t care if she did or didn’t die but no background to what lead up to that point, no talk of depression or despair or frustration, nothing. I especially didn’t like where she was talking about mass shootings and there was a KEY word missing in the sentence. I had read it three times and it was just bad. Terrible editing on whoever did it. I just decided to write a review and called it a day.

I then went to Harry Potter and got sucked into the wizard world. Around 0030, I finally put the book down and tried to sleep. It took a few tries to get comfortable and then out of nowhere, my damn right instep was killing me. I took some ibuprofen and Tylenol. I couldn’t figure out why it was hurting so bad. I had only got up once to stretch the whole time I read, and there were at least 3 or 4 hours where I was just on my bed. I finally decided to put some diclofenac gel on and then I realized why I was hurting. The golf ball size swelling had moved up my foot and was very inflamed. I don’t know if while lying down the weight of my other foot set it off or what. I had got up around 0130 and realized that in a half hour, it was going to be 3 am instead of 2 due to the time change. I wasn’t looking forward to that because it was going to throw me off. Next thing I know it is 4 am because I decided to read Harry again to wait for the meds to work their magic. I fell asleep somewhere around 0430.

I woke up a few hours later because my mother got up. She is not quiet and her breathing is very labored. As much as I hate the woman, I care for her wellbeing, though I try not to as she doesn’t listen to me anyway. Her breathing is like she is puffing the air out of her lungs. Her COPD is worse (though she will say her knees are causing it). She doesn’t use her inhalers at all. She had paid for a nebulizer and used it maybe a week or two. Now not using it all. Her breathing was slightly better than it was but now without the medication, she is back to her huffing and puffing. I have to listen to her as she climbs the stairs every night just to make sure she doesn’t collapse. I am hoping that when my sister lives with us, I don’t have to worry so much. I wish she would just move her bedroom into the dining room but nope, she doesn’t want to give it up despite her not using it for anything other than her gatsies (little trinkets and things just used for display). I understand her mother gave her those things, or rather were my grandmother’s things before she died but all it is doing is collecting dust. Today she refused to yield me any fucking space to put my mugs yet wanted them in my room. Fuck, seriously? Seriously. She wouldn’t allow me to keep things even though I would like space to. She is just so fucking selfish when it comes to the house, this is mine and that is mine so you can’t use it. Meanwhile she nearly burnt the crap out of my new kettle because she didn’t put enough water in it for making her coffee. She leaves water in it so the bottom of the thing is starting to rust. That is okay though…because she didn’t buy it. I am ready to buy an electric water kettle just so she doesn’t use mine and can do what ever she wants, which she does anyway. I just get so fucking frustrated because she tells me how to live my life, doesn’t use my changed name, doesn’t respect me in any way, shape, or form. Today she had the gall to say G or my birthname or what ever you are. I got mad and said what am I to you, two different people? Then she spewed that she has been calling me my birthname for 40 years so isn’t going to change. Fuck you too. I don’t know why the fuck I bother. I get so hurt and she doesn’t care. She is so transphobic.

I wanted to change my sheets today but my CRPS foot is giving me grief. It has been snowing and raining most of the day so that is probably why. I ordered take out for the first time in a few months. I wanted a burrito but the place didn’t have drivers so canceled my order. I was disappointed. I ordered a burger from another place. Now both feet are killing me just from going up and downstairs. I fucking hate being in pain all the fucking time. It is the biggest trigger of my suicidal thoughts. I am still thinking of my plan. I don’t know if I will go through with it but it is on the backburner. Tomorrow I am seeing my PCP’s social worker to work on some financial planning and things. I hope that she can maybe speed up the process for therapy as I am really needing to talk to someone about things. I know I have this blog but sometimes actually talking to someone helps unload things. I don’t want to call my friends because I don’t want them to worry or be mad at me. Just sucks that even though the majority of my friends accepts that I have depression, some are not so accepting that I have suicidal thoughts and plans, even if it is just to hear me out. I no longer bring it up with them. I guess it is a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, which really bugs me. As many times as I have had trouble with therapists, it is the same. No one wants to truly hear how dark my thoughts are. Makes me feel more alone with each passing day. I know there are people out there that say “you aren’t alone” but when you are chronically suicidal, you really are. I just wish I would go through with it so it will end.

Saturday Blog 9 Mar 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 9 Mar 19

I had a rough time sleeping. Pain kept me up till about 0330, then just as I was going to sleep, the power went out. I wouldn’t have cared except my ceiling fan was now off and I didn’t want to get hot again. Within 5 minutes or so, it came back on and I snoozed. I woke up as my mother was going downstairs. No idea what time it was but a few minutes later my med alarm went off. I shut it off and got up to take them. I then rolled over and went to sleep till around noon.

I needed coffee. I haven’t really been drinking any caffeine this past week as I don’t want it interfering with my sleep. But my head was like coffee, coffee, coffee, so I gave in. I have like 3 or 4 bottles of Starbucks Iced Coffee in my fridge so I don’t want it going to waste! I had a cup and a pop tart. I could barely finish the second pop tart. I was just full. I don’t remember if I finished my coffee (it was a huge cup). I had drank most of it so I was caffeinated. I was contemplating what to do today. I had to burn some CDs. They are really old that I wanted as MP3s. I was grateful my computer recognized them as they were in .wma format. Ya, kids, look that up! My second goal was to finished reading this new book by friend’s husband called Langford’s Leap. I really struggled not to stay up all night reading. It is that good! And I am getting to the good stuff. The first few chapters are leaving you wondering where this is going and then boom, it all comes together. It is a really good book. I highly recommend this. My last goal for the day was going to return the brace that I bought at Walgreens. I am sad that this one is closing and I have to go to the “newer” one down the opposite street. Still within walking distance (it is around the corner) but I know all the staff and there. I am going to miss them. I got to call my PCP’s office Monday to get my pharmacy changed over. Just sucks. I really feel bad for the latest pharmacy manager that took over. It has only been a few months she has been manager. I have no idea if she will be at the new location.

So I have done most of the things I set out to do except read the book. I am waiting for my sister to show up with my mother’s shopping. My mother got cold cuts and I could really go for a turkey sandwich. I wanted to go to Stop and Shop to get the things I need for the recipe I want to make but I still have no energy to do it. Too much walking involved. My heel is killing me just from going around the corner to return the brace. I still need to do my PT exercises. I didn’t do them yesterday. I wanted to but then my damn ankle flared up and just didn’t want to do them anymore. I’ve only don’t them once this week, least as far as I remember. I don’t remember Wednesday at all. I thought today was Sunday. I just feel so off because of that stupid insomnia bout. I really hope it doesn’t happen again.

My psychiatrist has not responded to any email I have sent this week. I feel really sad about it because she usually responds to at least one or two. I still don’t have an appointment with her because she hasn’t responded to my emails. Been sending one all week. I think she responded to the one I sent Monday about melatonin but haven’t heard from her otherwise. Monday I see the social worker in my PCP’s office. It is funny because she sent me a message last night about where her office was. She gave me directions and I laughed. I know all the buildings at the hospital campus, probably better than she does. I worked there a lot of years and had to go from one building to another. It is no wonder my CRPS ankle was shot by the end of a shift or two shifts (I was working in two departments when my ankle got really bad). And this hospital is not small. I am going to ask the social worker about the therapist situation. I thought it was an outright referral but I had to have an intake and that is still a month away before I hear anything. I hope I can walk there but not sure what state my heel/foot/ankle will be. It is getting better but I have been immobile all week, giving it the rest it needs. But there are times I am walking around the house and my heel flares up for whatever reason. The new brace I bought I need to wear today. I will when I go back downstairs. I got to get used to it and “break” it in.