Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Sad, angry, and well other things too

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sad, angry, and well other things too

This week is a killer of a week. With the exception of yesterday, I have no days off. Monday I saw my PCP and other than sending me back to PT, he didn’t have any answers as to why I have a golf ball right on my arch near my heel. One of my friends called it a baseball when it was really flared up. I sent the picture to my PCP, which yielded a I don’t know see someone else. We talked about cortisone shots but I don’t want it. I believe it weakens tissue rather than help it. I asked about taking ibuprofen and this is when I knew he was an idiot because he said steroids aren’t usually helpful. UM, last I checked, ibuprofen is classed as a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug. And he went to med school. Moron.

I had a hard time sleeping Monday night so I slept all day yesterday. I was going to bake cookies but slept too late as I woke up around 5 pm. I wanted to go back to sleep before the sleepiness wore off but pain prevented that. My feet were giving me trouble. I couldn’t put one foot on top of the other. The bottom of my foot was inflamed. So I put some diclofenac gel on it. It took a few points off the pain enough for me to go to sleep. I was going to put some on before I left the house but fuck. People kept calling me and shit and the next thing I knew I had to leave the house. I luckily had my coffee in my mug. It was bloody freezing. I had to wear my gloves after I finished my coffee. The wind chill was terrible. I thought I was dressed warm enough but I wasn’t. The wind was going through me. I was frozen by the time I got to the train station. I didn’t go to Starbucks because I already had my coffee. I just sat on one of the benches while waiting for the train. I wrote in my journal as I had some time to kill.

I told my therapist about how my mood has been up and down and he said that I am angry. Fuck. Really, Freud? He didn’t understand why I said that. I explained Freud theory to a therapist. How bloody wonder. If I could have thought of another therapist, I would have thrown in their names for good measure but none came to mind. I was getting annoyed and wanted the damn session to end. My feet were hurting me and I just wanted to get home. It was colder than it was on the way home. Friday is supposed to snow so I plan on wearing my warmer jacket. I have to remember to wear a lightweight shirt otherwise I will sweat to death. I see my psychiatrist, who changed the appointment time to 4 pm. I don’t know when it is going to start snowing but that isn’t a good time to be out as it is rush hour, which means no seats on the trains and buses. Even with my cane, people won’t give up their seat unless you ask them. So rude. I will give up my seat to someone who is in need even if it will hurt me later on. These young people just don’t care. I remember a time when two young ladies nearly pushed me out of the way when the train doors opened so they could get a seat. Like WTF, seriously?? I had my cane with me. I am not one for confrontation but it is just fucking rude.

Saturday I know I am going to be sleeping all day. I honestly have no idea when I am going to make these damn cookies. My therapist says there is no time limit on baking so I if I want to bake them at 6 pm, I can do it. I didn’t tell him I hate clean up and usually I hurt too much after I bake to clean up. And my mother will have a coronary if I leave them for her to wash. God forbid there should be anything in the sink when she goes to bed. I am hurting so much right now. I took another breakthrough med. I hope that is the only one I need. I have used so many this month. I am trying to hold off but with the way my appointments are this week, I don’t think I can do that. It really sucks that my pain is worse at night than during the day. I hate it.

Sunday Blog and a Pats Win 13 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog and a Pats Win 13 Jan 19

I woke up around 1300. I thought I took my morning meds when the alarm went off but I didn’t. I took them when I got up. I wasn’t hungover like I thought I would be as I woke up a few times during the night. I decided to do my hair and then shower. Well, it is all uneven in places. I am going to try and have my cousin fix it. Which means I need to call him and talk to him about bullshit things he talks about. Then be in his smoky apartment because he is a chain smoker. But I don’t have the money to see my barber until next week. Hopefully it will grow as I won’t touch it except for the sides and back where I have been shaving.

After I did that, I made something to eat and turned on the Pats game. They were leading already and had scored while I was showering (I had checked the score before going downstairs). I made the steaks, which were not that tender. I didn’t realize the A1 sauce I had was expired 10 years ago so it was not good. I had two cups of coffee and after I had my steaks, a piece of chocolate cake. The frosting was very thick so I just mostly had the cake with a little bit of frosting. It was so good.

I tried to figure out the bus schedule for tomorrow but I couldn’t retrieve the morning schedule on my phone. I only got the afternoon and only like 3 times in the afternoon. I had no idea what I was doing wrong and I couldn’t get the starting point from the station, which annoyed me. I just printed it out when I got to my room. I got to be up around 0830, well, least set the alarm for that time to wake me up and maybe have breakfast. I will be going another way so I hope to make breakfast of some kind. I hate morning appointments. I like afternoon as I don’t have to rush so much.

When I came back to my room, I did my meds for the week. Because the new pill is in blister packs, it was a bitch getting them out of the package. I don’t understand why my doc just didn’t write for x amount of pills and go from there. Such a pain. I guess it would be helpful if it was the right starter pack but it is the wrong one so what difference does it make?

I am hoping to go to the grocery store tomorrow to buy more iced coffee. I have maybe half a bottle left. I also need more half and half. Might see if I can find that steak that I bought that was so damn good. If not, maybe get some popcorn shrimp or a pot pie. Depends on my mood. Right now my foot is feeling like it is being split in half so it is anyone’s guess if I sleep tonight. I moved the body pillow so that I am not sleeping on my damn shoulder. My head is causing it considerable amount of pain.

I see my PCP tomorrow. I hope he can figure out what needs to be done with my right foot. I hate that my foot rolls while walking in the sneaker, causing my ankle to hurt where I had sprained it. I don’t want to go back to PT if I don’t have to. I just need something supportive and doesn’t aggravate my heel pain. I see my orthotic person Thursday so I hope he can come up with something. If not, I will end up getting something at Walgreens or CVS, whichever is cheaper.

Trying to deal with transphobia in the home

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trying to deal with transphobia in the home

Yesterday the lunatic called and told my mother that hospitals are no longer giving babies a sex. They are leaving it blank, often a U until the child is old enough to realize its gender. My aunt was having a coronary over this issue and my mother was agreeing with her, in front of me! I tried to give information these ignorant women didn’t know but I could see my efforts weren’t going anywhere.

It really bothered me. I had to get ready for my therapy appointment and was hoping the bus was going to be on time. I went upstairs to get dressed. I temporarily forgot the conversation as I grabbed the things I needed and then went downstairs to put my shoes and jacket on. It was supposed to be slightly warmer but the wind made it really cold. I got to the bus stop and there I connected the dots. My mother was transphobic. I felt a knife in my heart. I got really sad. I didn’t go to Starbucks because I had coffee at home.

I got to my therapist’s office and he was surprised I didn’t know my mother was transphobic. I was kind of pissed he knew but didn’t let on to me. Like WTF. We talked about things and how I felt. I started crying out of frustration. I didn’t know how to deal with this and I still don’t. It is not like I have another place to go. I live with this bitch. And today is her birthday. My sister wanted me to make dirty gravy and have a meal with her. I made the gravy but I didn’t do any celebrating because I was hurting too much.

When I got home from therapy yesterday, I said I had to get off the grid but I ended up going through my friends list on FB and unfriended all my family members, including my sisters and their friends that we were mutual with. Once I did that, I went back because a couple of my good friends had posted and were supportive. I texted the few that I had their numbers to tell the truth. I didn’t want to post right then why I was “off the grid”.

I now know that there is no chance of my mother EVER accepting me and don’t dare tell me it is a generation thing. A mother is supposed to accept their child no matter what and love them unconditionally. There is something morally wrong with my mother and I have tried for years to look past it. But this is why I didn’t come out 12 years ago as a transgendered person. Because I wasn’t sure how my mother was going to be with it. Now I know she will never be okay with it and it bothers me very deeply. She never understood me. She still wants me to be her little girl. That is NEVER going to happen. She can’t accept that and I refuse to not be who I am because she can’t. I have been 85% suicidal most of my life because of this. Even while I was talking to my therapist, I grew suicidal and he said why am I not angry towards them rather than myself. (He is Freudian, and it drives me fucking crazy.) I honestly just want to die than live with a transphobic woman. I have no idea why she is tolerating me, probably because I am tolerating her. But I am in so much pain. It hurts so much realizing this. I haven’t been able to blog because I was afraid I was going to have a breakdown. I cried for three hours yesterday. I thought about password protecting this but I am not going to. I am tired of secrets in the family. If I am a “secret” then so be it. I am not going to hide who I am because a family member has their incorrect opinions about it and is ignorant. I can say more but I want to go to sleep not be pissed off.

I am trying to hold it together but inside I am falling apart. It is just one more thing to add fuel to the suicidal fire. I was thinking of ending my life in May. Yes, I have started making plans again. They are not concrete this time. But they help me deal with my thoughts when they come around. I am not sure if I will still be on Facebook. I didn’t block any of my family (except for those already blocked). I am just tired of dealing with those “lurkers” and you like their posts but they never comment or like yours or never say anything about your post except in real life, like what the fuck. I am just tired of the bullshit. People follow me, fine. Some social media I can’t control but FB I have some control and frankly with their ads and hiding posts all the time, I am not sure I am going to stay on the site. It just isn’t fun like it was. Today I had an ad for an incontinent underwear. It said that it had strength. Why would you need strength in something like that unless you have heavy shits?? I don’t get it. So dumb. I am tired of that and the longer, stronger, penis ads. GRRR those annoy me to no end. I don’t have a dick so why are you sending me this shit??? I don’t know anymore. I am just done. I’ll just stay with my books and journal writing.

Down day and lots of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Down day and lots of pain

My right foot is giving me grief. I think I will be going back to PT as I think I sprained my ankle again but I need some kind of support so this doesn’t happen again. Sadly, I don’t have anymore money to buy an ankle supporter. I think I am going to get a laced up one, as long as it doesn’t rub against my arch, causing my heel to hurt. I noticed today that I am turning my foot so my heel doesn’t hurt, which is causing my ankle to hurt. Now that I am home, I can barely stand and my brain is hurting as to which one hurts more, my left or right. I had to use the walker again. My PCP wasn’t helpful. But I did get him to give me a referral for the brace clinic and see the brace guy that I have been seeing. I made an appointment with him for next week, which means another week of agony.

My mother needed bread and she was making some weird dish with broccoli so I wanted pizza. I literally walked around the block, in a square, so technically 4 blocks. I came home tired so took a nap in my underwear because I was too hot. I slept four hours and now my ankle hates me. My heel pain is hurting but no where near last night’s levels. It was completely torture last night. I got PTSD going on which meant I couldn’t lay down because I was scared that I was going to be in more pain. No amount of trying to soothe myself helped. I was so afraid to move my body to lay down and then move my ankle so I could sleep. It was torture and I was up most of the night. I drew a picture of where it hurt. I have no idea why. I made circles around where it hurt and then named them. The glob is the area where there are muscles, bones, tendons, and ligaments. The malleolus which is the ankle bone. Then a new area that was my new suicidal ankle pain spot. I drew a line where the familiar suicidal ankle pain was. That distracted me but didn’t help me to sleep.

I texted my therapist late last night telling him I couldn’t sleep. I sent the same message to my psychiatrist along with the picture. I was in horrific pain. All because I saw my fucking therapist! WTF!! I really wanted to down the bottle of gaba but I didn’t. No one was awake at that hour except a Twitter follower that basically said that I couldn’t have suicidal thoughts and I couldn’t die. Thanks, that helps me so damn much. Go back to your corner of the world. I know she was trying to be helpful but that is not being helpful! Denying someone their thoughts because of pain is not helpful. I got mad. I watch some youTube things about the buffoon in office. I am scared of what he is going to say tonight and I am so fucking mad at the national TV stations for giving in to this liar!!

Tomorrow will be my 98th day of transition. I am going to post pics (not here) but on my social media on day 100. I will be making a dirty gravy as my sister wants that for supper for my Mother’s birthday. I was going to use 3 cans of tomatoes but I think I am going to use 4. It goes so fast and she always takes a big chunk of what I make because she really likes it. Last time I made it, I think I had like 2 containers and that was it. I would like more because I really love this. It is one of my favorite things I make. Only trouble is, my mother has the cans of tomatoes in the back of her closet which takes some maneuvering to get the cans. Why she has to have them in the back, I don’t know. I might steal two cans of my sisters as they are in our hallway. HAHA. I did that last time I made the gravy because I didn’t want to fiddle my back to grab my mother’s cans.

I am feeling depressed because I am in so much pain, again. Two nights in a row is not fun. I hope it isn’t a nasty flare. I just won’t be able to handle it because I need to see my therapist tomorrow. I need therapy. I can’t just stop because I am in pain. I feel like I am pushing myself to try to lead a normal life even though I have chronic pain.

I shaved my head today and trimmed my goatee thing that seems to be the only facial hair that I have. I was expecting more but whatever. I guess it will come in time. I love the song Shallow by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. This is the first song I have ever bought with Lady Gaga. She has a wonderful voice. I don’t know why I am addicted to this song. Last night I downloaded different music apps because the one that I primarily used, Rocket Player, fucked up all my music so I had to go to something else. I was using Samsung music but got tired of it. Then I was using music but the fucking thing beeped every time it played a song and then would stop, even if the thing was on shuffle repeat. But now I am using Pi and it seems to be okay. I am charging my headphones so I can have them for tomorrow. They make good ear protectors from the cold, LOL. I just hope there is no precipitation or I will have to use earbuds. I know we are in a storm pattern and that is why my pain sucks right now but fuck. The barometric pressure dropped. Yesterday around this time it was 30.3. Now it is 29.69. Fun!!!!! Can’t wait to see what the pressure will be tomorrow.