Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

painsomnia ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia ramble

It is almost 0500. I have yet to sleep. I thought I would write to see if that would help me fall asleep. I went to have something to eat and as I turned to walk back to the stairs, my ankle gave out on me. I couldn’t bear weight on it. It was the slowest walk through the house. There was no one I could call as it was so early in the morning. Now I am in a lot of pain, more than what I was in.

I was thinking about what I wrote early in yesterday’s blog about there being a kind of “split” where you have this dark side no one knows about and then you have this side where you appear like nothing is wrong. I want to write more about it but my mind isn’t that clear. I took some Neurontin and so I am kind of cloudy. I don’t know what more to say about it because it is how I feel. Like if I unleash the dark side people will freak out and maybe force me in the hospital or something. I emailed my psychiatrist and let her know yesterday was the day I wanted to end things. I also told her about my mother’s upcoming surgery and how I had planned my death before I knew she was going to have surgery. I told her I really wish I went through with it as I was and still am in a lot of pain. I am regretting the decision to put it off. I wrote her the goodbye letter. I didn’t tell her that though. I told her that next time I will go through with it as I will not make that mistake of taking back the decision and postponing the inevitable.

In the meantime, I am supposed to live my life like it is all hunky dory and shit. Other than my online friends and a few close people, no one knows about my plan. Hell, I don’t even know if I have a plan. I haven’t checked out the location so I have no idea if that will work out. It has to be a desolate area or I am fucked. Someone sees me and the chance of rescue is great. I don’t want that. I really don’t want to be fucking saved by some stranger. That is a fear. I just wish I had a car so I can drive some place and do it there. Easy clean up too. Kind of. I don’t know. It is not like I have done this before. No one knows what my plan is. And I won’t tell anyone. I think my therapist might know but I am not sure. We haven’t talked about suicide in a long time. And we won’t. There is no point. I have made my mind and I am going to stick with it when the time comes.

I have been trying to manage this pain. I tried distraction. Playing with my phone, being on social media, though nothing is really going on at these hours. I was talking to someone about cats. But that was hours ago. I wrote some tweets. I posted some Instagram pics. I was really bored. I really screwed up my ankle. It feels like someone is trying to cut it off. Fucking pain is terrible. It going up my ankle but only half way. So fucking weird. I am just going to stay up until I pass out. I can’t sleep anyway. Every time I lay down, pain increases. I try to wait it out but after three minutes I kind of lose it and have to sit up. I had the AC on but it is cool outside. It is also 30.2 for barometric pressure, which is why my pain is all fucking whacky. Hope it settles down. I will take another Ativan in about an hour. Hope it fucking helps.

Lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Lazy Friday

I had a hard time sleeping. I was feeling really achy and couldn’t get comfortable. Around 7 I decided to take my morning meds early so I could sleep. I slept till noon. I wanted coffee and made some. I then made something to eat. I kind of overcooked my eggs as I didn’t have a very yolky yolk. It was still good.

I went back to my room. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I wanted steak and burgers. I also wanted to try a new drink at Starbucks. I left around 1430 to catch the bus to the Square. As the bus was approaching, my sister walked by. We exchanged hellos and then I got on the bus. I ordered my drink on my mobile app so it was ready when I got there. I didn’t like it. It was an iced cinnamon almond milk macchiato. It had too much cinnamon. I am not a cinnamon person. I drank what I could and then I dumped it. I should have changed it to another drink but I wanted to get my things and go home.

I went to the butcher shop for the meat. Then I went across the street to the grocery store. I got bacon and some burger buns. I wanted to get Irish butter but they didn’t have it. I paid for my things and just caught the bus as it was pulling up when I got there. Score.

My mother made fish for dinner. It was big piece and my mother didn’t have real lemon, just the stuff in the bottle. She should have told me to buy some when I was out. I rather have real lemon than the fake stuff. I wasn’t crazy about the fish because it was too big. I like thin pieces. It was still okay.

My PT left me a message about the functional pain program. Looks like things can be adjusted to my needs and things can be worked out. I was happy to hear this, though I still not sure how I am going to work all this out while under the midnight demons that come out at night that make me feel really suicidal. Today was supposed to be the day I was to end it. Now the date has been pushed to another day. I’m trying not to “split” so to speak where one part of me acts in the dark and the other projects a “happier” version of me. My mother is having surgery next week. I won’t be going to the hospital because I just can’t sit around for a few hours. She will spend a few days in the hospital and provided no complications happen, go on to rehab. She told me that I am to send out some bills when they come in, and then go to the bank when my check comes in. My sister was there when she was talking and I asked what was what and my sister was like “don’t you know”? I was like no because I don’t use that bank. She then asked why don’t I have a bank around here and all this other shit. Whatever. Like it is her business, not mine. So annoying.

Luke Combs has a hold over me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Luke Combs has a hold over me

Yesterday, all I did while I was traveling throughout Boston, was listening to Luke Combs deluxe album. Past hour or so, I had a song running through my head. Just a few words but I couldn’t figure out what song it was. I had to wait for it to play out. That is how songs start in my head. A few words start playing over and over and then a few more and then I have the chorus or enough to figure out what song it is. I knew it was Luke but wasn’t sure which song as there are two that I have been listening to lately and they have the same kind of beat. The song tonight was Must have never met you. So now it is on repeat. Love this song!

Last night when I went to turn on the radio for the game, it wouldn’t turn on. I checked the plug, the strip, the radio and all checked out. I took out the plug and put it in another socket and it worked. The outages that I had last week during the storms must have tripped something and now it doesn’t work. It is pretty old and I wanted to replace it. I had a power strip I wanted to use. I didn’t realize when I bought it the cord was 2 feet. It was too short to reach where I had to put it. I went in my office and found one. It was fancy, at the time, with a lot of connection types, including phone. This was back when dial up was still in use.

So today I when I got up and had lunch, I started clearing off my nightstand as I had to move it to get to the plug behind it. I had started clearing last night but my damn ankle wanted no part. I couldn’t weight bear due to the flare I was in. Took me about 45 minutes to clear it as I kept having to take breaks. I then dusted after everything was off as well as the back of the nightstand. There was a crap load of dust. I couldn’t reach the stuff that was on the floor behind the nightstand. I just move it enough to remove the plug. Then I spent another 20 minutes finding the screws for power strip to mount it on the wall. The holes were further apart than the broken one. I carefully measured to make sure it would fit and wouldn’t fall. I don’t unplug what is plug in often so it should be stable. There was one screw that I had to go through drywall, which can easily come out over time. I hope it stays for now.

My mother made potatoes and hot dogs for dinner. When I came back to my room, my foot started hurting really bad. Just great. I was wondering when I was going to feel pain. Now I am. Going to be another long night. I knew I would be hurting. I can’t be doing stuff on my feet for a long time. I am glad I did what I did as my nightstand needed to be cleaned and dusted. It also needed to be a little better organized. I have put my pills and stuff in a basket and other stuff sorted, like my lotion and pens. Also pad of paper because it seems I can never find one when I need to jot something down. So annoying. I just need to find the notebook I need to start the goodbye letters. I didn’t do it today. Tomorrow looks more promising.

Bad flare ruined my day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I had another bad pain night. I had to leave the house early 1) to avoid the high heat and 2) to get my scripts. When my med alarm went off, I wanted to throw my phone. I honestly didn’t want to get up. I used the bathroom after taking my meds and brushed my teeth. I didn’t feel like shaving my head so went to the kitchen. I asked my mother if she needed anything mailed or bought while I was out. She said no.

I got dressed and then went back to the kitchen to grab my cup. Soon as I got to the stairs, my mother called me back asking me to mail something. Really?? By the time I got my bag squared and my sneakers on, I missed the fricken bus. It had pulled up when I was about 20 feet away. I wasn’t going to run. I knew another one was coming and it did.

I listened to my music. I got to Starbucks and ordered my espresso and a sandwich. I then wanted something sweet so got a cookie. Wrote in my journal for a bit and then went into town. The trains were running okay. I got my scripts and I checked it before leaving. I also got some water as I was really thirsty. The heat had climbed up.

I decided to get my tickets to see my friend south of Boston. So I went further into Boston. The machine I usually get my tickets wasn’t accepting cash so had to go to the desk. There wasn’t a line. I showed my disability pass and got the tickets. I had to show my pass in order to get the half fare.

Went back to the trains and was about to get on an elevator when an older woman stopped me. She wanted to know where the train to New York was. I told her not here and told her where to go. I don’t think she understood. The place is confusing with all the different turnstiles and entrances/exits. I got on the elevator and went on my way. By the time I got back to the Square, I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. I went to the pharmacy and filled my meds.

I got home and it was really hot in the house. I was hungry but too hot to eat anything right then. I went to my room to cool off. When I felt better, I went to the kitchen and finished off the Mexican food from yesterday. It was so good.

Went back to my room. I stayed on my bed trying to decide what to do. I was wicked tired and wanted a nap. I played with my phone and relaxed on my bed. Holy fucking hell. Next minute my ankle just explodes. I am crying with severe pain. I didn’t even move my foot/ankle!! That was the weird part!! I was half lying down so had to remain still before attempting to move. Pain wasn’t resolving so I risked moving to take a breakthrough med. I was paralyzed in pain. I really wanted to nap but had no idea how I was going to move my body to my right side to sleep. I moved my leg and turned my body without more pain. Then my mother called asking me if I wanted raviolis for dinner. Fucking A. Seriously?? My phone was blowing up but I didn’t check it. It was either the T or Twitter and I needed a nap. Thankfully I slept for about an hour and a half when my mother called again. I didn’t answer it. I couldn’t move. I was in pain all over. Just breathing hurt.

The pain continued and still hasn’t let up. It is around a 10. Tomorrow will have to be shit day as I haven’t shit in a few days. I’ll be taking laxatives and fiber pills until I go. Just hope it doesn’t cause colon blow. Hope I can sleep tonight. Sox won their 8th game in a row. It was a good distraction until I stood up to turn the radio off. Now I’m in hell.