Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

waves of exhaustion are fun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waves of exhaustion are fun

I was sort of having a good sleep, once I got to sleep when my stupid med alarm woke me up. I wasn’t quite awake so shut the fricken thing off, took my BP pill, and surprisingly went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I seriously detest taking this pill twice a day. I need the alarm to remind me to take it otherwise I am just getting half the dose I need to be on and I don’t want my BP to become unstable.

I had a fairly low pain day despite having pain spikes last night and going to bed late. I don’t remember much after midnight. I didn’t want to get up but when I said five minutes, it turned into ten and I started to rush. I had gotten dressed and got my muffins ready to be taken with me, then I realized I forgot my watch and had to go back upstairs. My mother then asked for me to take the recycles down and I told her I would when I came home as I didn’t have time to put them in the bin.

I got to Starbucks and because I rush, forgot my reusable mug. I ordered a new drink. Some kind of hazelnut macchiato that was supposed to be made with coconut milk but I changed it to almond. It also had mocha drizzle. It was okay but the milk made it kind of bitter. I probably won’t be ordering it again, least not with that kind of milk. I had a sandwich as I was to rushed to eat at home. I brought my Kindle hoping to read for a bit but I was so tired that reading was out of the question. I wrote in my journal for a bit before I caught the train into Boston.

I was early for my psych appt. I got really sleepy while waiting. My appt time came and I was still waiting. I thought I was going to fall asleep before my doc called me. I was so tired. I guess three shots in the macchiato was not enough. My doc finally called me and we chatted. She asked what was up with me and like I emailed her all week, I haven’t been sleeping due to pain. She asked where I stood with my PCP and pain doc and I said I haven’t heard anything in three weeks. So she emailed them asking them for a conference or something. My doc doesn’t play around. I love her for that. She did talk to the LGBT doc but was worried that without adequate pain control, she wasn’t sure how the hormones were going to affect me. I didn’t care. I already made up my mind about things. I told her I was suicidal and once I found a place to terminate, I was probably going to go through with my plan. I didn’t tell her about the other stuff. There was no point. I told her I wasn’t sure I want to start hormones as it all depended on what happened this month and left it at that. She didn’t press me for info. I started feeling weepy, like I have all week and said so. I asked her if we could increase the Zoloft as I am not a cryer. She said it could be hormones. I don’t care what the hell it is. I don’t want to be in the middle of my commute somewhere and have a meltdown over nothing. I told her 75 mg of Zoloft should be okay. So she refilled my script for that amount.

I left and was just so tired, I felt like crying again. It had started snowing and then sleeting when I got to the train station. I still want to go to the grocery store to get eggs. Even though we had like 6 dozen last week, we are down to like one. My mother baked and I used at least a dozen with my baking and cooking. We go through a lot of eggs. But the bus home came before the bus to the grocery store so I just went home. I stopped at Walgreens before home. The snow was coming down heavier and the wind was making it really cold. I couldn’t wait to get home. Before leaving the store, I bought some Reese’s peanut butter cups and M&Ms peanut because I wanted them. I didn’t even eat them when I got home. I made a frozen dinner and then went up to my room to change. It was cold in my room. I put my sweatshirt on and got under the fleece blanket. I still need to change my sheets but my back was hurting. My pain spiked a few times since being home. I just wanted to fucking die. My bones were aching so bad.

The one thing my psych said about the pain doc was that he wanted me to go to PT more than do anything else. I told her the stress of that. It is not going to happen with my pain levels and trying to do other stuff. I just cannot manage. The idiot also didn’t want me to wear my AFO anymore as he wanted more movement with my ankle. Since I was having a low pain day before the last block home, I was thinking maybe I should stop wearing it. I was only proved wrong as walking home my ankle crapped out on me. So screw him. He barely saw me for more than 5 minutes and didn’t even examine me. He just felt the temps on my feet. Some exam. Just pisses me off that this guy determined probably before I met him how he was going to treat me, or rather not treat me.

I plan on taking my meds early, reading 1984, and then hopefully sleep. Probably the last two aren’t going to happen but I can try…

Morning Glory Muffins and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Morning Glory Muffins and other things

In case you missed the link for the recipe: https://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/morning-glory-muffins-recipe

I woke up at 5 in pain. My ankle was screaming. I took some meds and was just beside myself. The depression that I have been feeling is getting worse. I just feel so hopeless. I managed to go downstairs to use the bathroom and then have some breakfast as I was hungry. I made four waffles and a cup a tea. I was starting to get a little sleepy by the time the tea was cool enough to drink. I went back to sleep after I drank it.

I woke up around 11. I found out the ballgame was at 2 so wanted to make these dreaded muffins. I should have used a food processor to chop in hindsight. I stood for about an hour walking around my kitchen getting things and mixing and stuff. I realized when while I was mixing it the apples I cut up were too big and the carrots were shredded too long. Oh well. It was the first time making this recipe. The muffins would just be chunky. They have apples, carrots, walnuts, coconuts, and raisins. It is a nice hearty muffin. It came out good. Even my mother liked it, and she doesn’t usually like my baking.

I went up to my room to rest and listen to the game. It was like the 7th inning and there still was no score. Price, the pitcher, left and then the Rays scored after a 2 run home run. Then we tied it in the 9th. We ended up winning in the 12th. I was happy. It was the 6th game in a row that we won. Our record right now is 6-1. Tomorrow they are off. Saturday is a day game, Sunday probably as well. I am happy with my team. I wish Red Sox Nation would give JBJ, the centerfielder a break. We probably would have lost the game had he not been playing today as there were some pretty tough balls hit to him.

My ankle exploded sometime around 5 and then again around 7 when I went to put eyedrops in my eyes. Same pain that I have been having all day. I hope I can see my psych tomorrow. She will understand if I don’t make it but it takes forever to get another appointment. I really hope I sleep tonight and don’t wake up fucking early in the morning. I can’t even give myself a “bedtime” because it never happens. I have been trying to stay off my phone when I want to sleep. Only trouble is that the books that I have been reading have been on my Kindle so the no electronics rule is out the window. I really need to read more but it’s so hard when the pain makes my brain mush. I can only read a few lines, like Twitter. I mostly just read a few tweets and skip the rest because they don’t pertain to me. I hate retweets because some of them are so not relevant to what I like. But whatever. Some of it is good because it keeps me in the loop of what Dotard is up to.

cooking Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Cooking Wednesday

I slept crappy for the third night in a row. I am so spent and labile. My mood keeps going all over the place and I am weepy at times. I was determined to make something today. I had silenced my phone not thinking it would not sound my med alarm. I wanted it to wake me up around 11. It never went off so I woke up around 1230. I really didn’t feel like doing shit but I was hungry and needed to make something.

I decided to make a three cheese egg and bacon burritos. I made four but my niece wanted mac and cheese, so after I made the burritos, I made the mac and cheese. I had that instead of the burrito. My ankle and back were acting up so that was all the cooking I was going to do. I tried to nap afterwards but I felt so depressed because I was in pain. I honestly don’t know why I am living. I just want to die. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about texting my therapist, but what was he going to do? I emailed my psychiatrist and got no response. I think that was worse than anything.

I got busy with social media. I had posted my burrito work on FB, IG, and Twitter. I probably post at least twice a month what I make. Someone on Twitter, who I don’t follow, replied to my tweet asking if I liked making breakfast. This is the fourth time a café or restaurant responded to my pics on food. I think it is funny as they just want my business, but other than the Indian restaurant, I am not going to go. Other than Starbucks, I don’t eat out. I might order from Grubhub but that is all. I mostly have been eating at home as I just can’t be bothered to go out anymore. I am in too much pain.

After I had dinner, I took a shower. I needed one. My foot cramped up and my back ached but it got done. I had bought compression socks for my foot and ankle and they came in today. I wore them for a few hours. They left a nice mark on my leg as I was drying off. I am going to try wearing them a few hours a day to control the swelling but don’t know if I will be successful.

I am so tired. I hope I sleep tonight during “normal” sleep hours. I think I might lose it if I don’t have sleep for the fourth night in a row. All three nights my pain started at 2200 or after. It’s just about 1900 right now so I have three hours before I know if I will be in pain all night or not. It used to start at 2000. Now the “magic” number seems to be 2200. Probably because I am ready to settle down and turn in at that time.

One of my Twitter buddies just posted an article that was in JAMA about not to prescribe opioids for severe to moderate chronic back pain or hip/knee osteoarthritis pain because it was shown not to prove function. I am sorry but that is just wrong. Most people who take an opiate for pain do regain some function because their pain is less and they can do more. I don’t trust their results. But all over the article was written, “don’t prescribe opioids” so a little bias?? Pisses me off.

I am doing an experiment. I just took my night meds but I am not going to take the Ativan, just yet. I will take it later when I want to go to sleep. Maybe then I can sleep through the night. I just hope I don’t have side effects from the antipsychotic.

painsomnia strikes yet again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Painsomnia strikes yet again

I was up till 5 am again. I slept for about 3.5 hours, had something to eat, and then went back to sleep. I was knocked out as I didn’t hear my doorbell ring when my mother was looking for me. I had turned my phone off so I wouldn’t be disturbed. There were a few messages on my phone. My mother had left me a cryptic voicemail, with my uncle in the background.

I woke up with my shoulder hurting me. I was using it as a pillow and this time I think I did something because it is still hurting. I think I might have pinched a nerve. Just great. Hope it goes away.

Because I slept all day I didn’t make the muffins I want to make. Here is the recipe https://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/morning-glory-muffins-recipe

I also want to make my burritos. The freezer bags I bought came in today. I hope I sleep “normal” hours so I can wake up midmorning and make these things. I think I am going to make the burritos first as I want bacon in them. I also plan on putting three cheeses in them. They are really easy to make though I am not an expert burrito roller, yet. I tend to overfill the first one and then the last few have enough so they roll okay. I still can’t believe I spent $17 on these bags. There are a set of three 35 count bags. I think each would cost $5.66 each, which I guess is okay. I am not sure what they would be in the supermarket. I tried looking at Peapod and they had the 15 count on sale for $2.89 or something like that so maybe I did get a deal.

Sox are playing an hour early. I’m listening to the game now. Sox have a 1-0 lead right now. My favorite centerfielder, Jackie Bradley Jr. just made a great catch. I love him. He is such a good outfielder!

My foot is starting to hurt a bit. I apparently bought a compression thing that I can use for my foot and ankle. I hope that it fits and works. There was just a regular and large size so I chose regular as a medium usually fits me. I don’t know if with the swelling that is still the case. The ace brace that I have has an opening at the heel that ends up digging into me and causes me so much pain that I have to take it off.

My mother made pork chops for dinner. I didn’t like them but ate them anyway. I really want a couple of boil eggs and toast. I might have them after the game. Maybe that will stop my after midnight eating. I seem to have to want something after 2 am to get to sleep. Usually because it has been more than 8 hours since I last ate.