Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Saturday Blog 3-Feb-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a decent sleep, the first in about three weeks. I had a little pain when my med reminder alarm went off this morning. I took some pain meds. I didn’t get out of bed and I don’t remember if I went back to sleep or not. I know I got up around 10 after deciding to order breakfast from McDonalds because I didn’t want to waste spoons. I really wanted to change my sheets today. I had breakfast, made coffee, and while drinking it, I finished my baseball history book. It was the first book of the year I read. I think I am going to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows next soon as I find where I put it. I have both hardcover and paperback. I like reading the hardcover but if I can’t find it in my stacks of books, I will read the paperback. I know where that is.

The baseball book wasn’t really what I was looking for. It was nice to know the history of the origins of game I love and how it flitted between organizations until the 1900s. It didn’t say when baseball created MLB as an organization, though it did say that the National League and American League were formed. However, it didn’t give the names of the teams and cities. It was frustrating because it would say the city names but not the team names at the time. For example, the oldest baseball team is the Cincinnati Reds. They were created in 1869 as the Cincinnati Red Stockings. Boston was formed in 1871 and also called the Red Stockings. It was called the Americans and Bostonians before they officially became the Red Sox around 1901. New York Yankees (which I call the Snakes, Skanks, or Skankees) weren’t formed until 1901 as the Baltimore Orioles (no relation to today’s Baltimore O’s) then became the New York Highlanders. I think it was around 1913 they became the Yanks, but I could be wrong. The Giants were formed before the Skanks and was based in New York before moving to California where they are now the San Francisco Giants. I really would love a book that has the history of the teams but isn’t made of stats or players names. The evolution of the game was great with this book but left me wanting more. I do have a Red Sox history book that a friend gave me for Christmas one year. I need to find it so I can read it.

I was tired after I finished the last chapter. I didn’t want to change my sheets but I forced myself to. I cleared off my “office”. I just put the crap in places where they wouldn’t fall. It will somehow accumulate back on my bed. Right now I just have my laptop, tissues, Kindle, and reacher on my bed.

Losing my mobility has been the hardest to accept. I’ve been asking myself if I am trying too hard or not trying enough to be the person I was before I was disabled. It is a tough position. I’ve accepted my mental illness since I realized I would always need medication for it if I was to survive but being physically impaired is very tough. Don’t take what you can do for granted, ever. You never know when you will lose it. Enjoy those walks

LGBT appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

LGBT appt and other things

I woke up early this morning to see the LGBT doc. I was nervous about it. I got there and I had to have them change my name. I thought I had my insurance card on me and I didn’t. They had the right info though so didn’t need it, it was just my name that needed changing. I liked the doc. He answered my questions and said that because I had a history of bipolar, he needed to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist. He also said that it will be a few appointments before I get started on hormones. I already figured that. He said that testosterone might increase mania. He asked if he wanted to transfer my primary care there and I was hesitant. I told him I was on pain meds and he said he had no problem taking over. I am not happy with my current PCP so I took a chance and said okay. Now I got to let my PCP know he is fired.

I have an appt with the new doc in seven weeks, which is more than what my pain meds would be for another refill. I would have to keep my current PCP a little longer. I see him the week before the appt with the new doc so I will tell him I am planning on transferring then.

I have been in so much pain since I came home. Because I was up early, I have been trying to sleep but dammit, half my ankle and foot go berserk every time I lay down. The last time, the pain was so painful and indescribable, I just started crying. The pain then caused my shin muscles to cramp up. I needed to get the heat pack and of course my bladder forced me downstairs because it had to be emptied. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to go down another flight of stairs to use my sister’s bathroom. There was no way I could hold it long. When my bladder says it is time to go, it’s time to go.

I hope I am not up all night in pain. I am so tired of sleepless nights. I might try finishing the baseball book. I just don’t know if I have the brain power. I feel so foggy from being sleep deprived. I think tomorrow I am just going to rest. I am not going to do a damn thing. I’ll try and change my sheets Sunday. I might make the zucchini bread then too. I don’t know. I know that anything I do gives me pain. A member of my support group says I should walk when in severe pain. OK. That doesn’t help me.

When I came home, it was freezing in my room because it was windy out. I had tried to nap but the wind was so bad it was rattling the doors in my room, and they were closed! It was scaring me so I had to close the window. Now my room is hot again. My foot has now gone from indescribable pain to burning. I really don’t want to take the Neurontin because I think it causes dizziness the next day. I don’t know why it is causing this now as I have been taking it for years. I only took 600 mg last night. I usually take more.

One thing that stands out from the LGBT doc is that he asked me if I had any Narcan. It is a drug used to reverse the effects of opioid overdose. I told him I was never prescribed this med. He said he would as I could accidently overdose. Although I have often felt like taking a handful when my pain is bad, I don’t take more than I should. I take my two tabs every six hours or so follow by the strong pain pill if I need it a few hours later. I am very careful with my meds, all of them, not just the opioids I take. The only med I might take more of is the Neurontin. But I haven’t been doing that lately because my appetite is out of control the next day. I have also gained a lot of weight the past two months. I hate it. I feel so yucky. I hate myself for letting myself get so fat. I’ve been trying to cut back but there are days when I only eat one meal and then there are days where I am always hungry. I can’t win with these meds. The testosterone might cause weight gain too. I don’t know what I am going to do about that. It could just be more muscle than fat but in my mind, more weight just is an issue regardless. It’s not like I can go to a gym and workout. I would love to go back on a treadmill or even walk to the train station like I used to as either one is about 1 mile from my house. I really miss walking. If you are abled bodied, please don’t ever take walking for granted. You never know when it will be taken away from you.

discouraged and fatigued

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

I have serious mental illness that disrupts my thoughts and shifts my mood to hopelessness and suicidal in an instant. I lose motivation to do things. Just getting out of the house is hard. 2 this condition is flat out driving me insane.

I asked my physio what are the goals of therapy and she laid it out for me and stressed I need to be doing the home exercises to regain what I have lost. It is stressing me out that going to my appts and then having to rest the day after or two is not working. I’m still in pain. She wants me to go to some functional program. But it takes full commitment, 2 or 3 days of being there 8-2pm. I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Some days I can’t get out of bed because I’ve been up all night in pain. Monday’s are worse because I have to walk to my therapist’s office. I just don’t know what to do. I just want to lay around the house and go to Starbucks and write. But pain is limiting me to even do that. I’m not adequately controlled with my pain so how the hell can I do these exercises if I hurt. Just fed up and want to quit everything.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My PT emailed me with goals and wanting me to go to a functional program at a different SRH location. My depression makes doing anything hard. Pain compounds this. I haven’t been doing much with the home exercises because I am exhausted after going to an appt the day before or even going to PT appt. PT is saying I need to commit to the therapy to regain function (haven’t had function in my ankle for 17 yrs mind you) and decrease fatigue in my foot/ankle. I’m starting to feel like a failure but I am not getting adequate pain control and I don’t know if I ever will. Just making breakfast today and taking out the trash hurt me. Making the squash killed me. Going up and down stairs hurts every single day and I do that a lot. Add the PT and it will overflow me. I feel like I am drowning. I am out of the house at least 3 times a week. I just can’t keep up. I move I hurt. I don’t move I hurt. How can I win?

If I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I am just going to end it. Why bother?

Can anyone understand??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can anyone understand?

So flipping fed up. After I made my squash and was putting it away my whole ankle and foot seized up. Told my mother I wasn’t sure how I was going to go upstairs. She says I need to rest until the pain goes away. Frack!! Really? I could rest for days and it will still hurt. Then she says I go up and down the stairs sometimes like it is nothing. No. It still fracking hurts. I still have pain. Then she says not to yell at her, it’s not her fault. JFC. So fucking done. Taking an Ativan. Can’t deal anymore!! No one fricken understands. If resting worked, I should be cured by now.

I watched cat and dog videos after I sent this to my psychiatrist. I am just having a bad pain day. I am so stressed out. I am worried about tomorrow as I will be seeing a new doctor. I have no idea how it will go. I have been trying to stay together just for this appointment. If it goes poorly, I don’t think I can handle it. I feel like there is no understanding anymore. I am skeptical this doc will allow me to get hormones to be the man I know I am. It is just so difficult. I have chronic pain that is driving me insane and the walk I got to take tomorrow to get to the building is a ways from the station. I plan on making a detour so I can get my Starbucks before the appointment. I wish someone was going with me but at the same time I don’t think I could handle company. I have no idea when the bus will come as I usually don’t take it that early in the morning. My appt is at 0830 and I got to be there early as my name has changed since I was there. I have decided not to use Medicare as my insurance, just keep my BCBS. I think it will be easier that way. I am paranoid that if I use Medicare for my transition, I might be on a list of some kind and the government will get me as long as Cheeto is in “charge”.

I made the butternut squash, as I said before. I used too much brown sugar so it is really sweet. I used half a cup. I should have went with a quarter. Oh well. It was still good. My mother is making a stir fry tonight with rice so I will have it as well. I bought a Pyrex loaf pan with a lid so I can make the zucchini bread and have a place to store it. My mother is using both her cake storage containers so I don’t have a place to store the bread once I make it. I will see how I am Saturday, though I plan on changing my sheets then. All depends if this pain settles down some. I can function if it is below a 7. Right now it is close to a 13 and am just crying. I took my pain meds though I didn’t want to. I really don’t think they work for me anymore. I am just dependent on them. Either that or my pain has just been so bad there is nothing to take for it. It is a new pain, not my normal kind of pain, that I have been experiencing.

I emailed Dell to find out if I could get a memory upgrade or if I am stuck with what I have. I think I can upgrade my hard drive but I am not sure. If I can’t use the memory that I bought, I will sell it on Amazon or someplace. I doubt I can return it. Still mad at myself that I bought a cheap laptop to stay cheap. I only need more RAM so I can run Facebook without the memory flag going off. So stupid.

I think I am going to put on some lidocaine. It might not help 100% but it might just bring my pain down to bearable. Fucking 13 is not fun. I seriously am thinking of cutting it off, and probably would if I had the implements to do it.

I forgot to take my morning blood pressure pills when I woke up this morning. I will take the night dose. I have been checking my BP to make sure it doesn’t get high or low and to keep an eye on my pulse.