Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

OSU vs TTUN and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

OSU vs TTUN and other things

I woke up really early, like 4. I wanted bacon but my mother was sleeping and I knew she wouldn’t like me leaving her a dirty pan on the stove when she got up. So I ordered McD’s. I have been wanting their sausage burrito for a while. I was disappointed I didn’t get the hashbrowns with my order. I made coffee afterwards, thinking I was going to be up for most of the day. Yeah, right. I brought up the coffee and drank it all while reading Coraline. I must have read like 3 pages and then sleepiness took over. So much for a caffeine kick! I set my alarm as I did not want to miss the OSU game at noon. I then slept until it went off.

I got up and the house smelled of bacon! My mother made some and left me a few pieces. Score for my bacon fix! I ate it while watching some stupid Fox analyst panel debate the game as to who was going to win, why, how, blah blah blah. Then the game started and the announcers were pro Xichigan (Michigan to my non-Buckeye fans). I had no say in the network (who does), but I ignored them the best I could. I had tweeted my therapist friend that I would be watching the game. The only time I messed up tweeting was when I thought we scored a field goal and we didn’t. Damn announcers were wrong! I ended up deleting the tweet.

It was a good game. I was sad when their starting quarterback got hurt. I later found out some camera man ran into him prior to the play. The head coach was going to find out who he was because there were a few people that said it was intentional. I don’t know if that is true but I don’t like when my QB gets hurt either. He is an awesome player and has done well with OSU. I’d really hate for a knee injury to end his senior year and potential NFL career because someone hated that we were kicking Xichigan’s ass after halftime. The backup quarterback did well and OSU won 31-20.

My therapist friend loved “watching” my tweets during the game. I laughed and told him he should watch me when I watch a baseball game. HA HA, pitch by pitch and play by play. I have entertained one of my dearest friends that I have known for almost 17 years now. It’s mostly swears, so it is very colorful analysis more than what is going on. LOL I really was surprised I was able to watch the entire game without too much pain. Today has to be the first time all week when I could actually use my ankle the way it is intended. It is a little sore now but I’ve kept up with my pain meds so I don’t think I will be up all night again. Least I hope I won’t.

I have been sneezing like crazy all day. Probably because I got the window open and it was a little warm today so pollen might have come in. I was just scrolling through twitter and one person I follow (who does Pokemon Go) tweeted that she screamed in a restaurant she was at “there is an onion bird in here” follow by pic of onion bird. OMG I am laughing so hard, I am crying. I’ve included the pic (where on closer inspection is a bird with a leek or a scallion in its wing). Hope you get a laugh out of it like I have. I might have to go through the tissue box as I am still cry laughing. LOL

Really steamed 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS

I posted on Twitter that my mother was mad at me for not helping with the dishes or laundry today. Sorry, I didn’t sleep all night and I was in a lot of pain. I was used to her calling me useless. But what got me distressed was her calling me “daughter”. Someone I don’t know responded saying she was a mother and it wouldn’t hurt for me to help her. WTF. I responded that I was upset because I was a transgendered male and my mother knows this. Plus I have debilitating pain so stop judging me, asshole. I blocked her after I sent the message as she followed me. Loser. 

I hate it when someone I don’t know responds to my tweets. I have no idea how Twitter works and how people who don’t follow you, sees your tweets. What a jerk. I am so mad.

I keep thinking I have nothing to do on Monday but I have therapy.  I might cancel as Tuesday is going to be a long day. I still got to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my meds. I don’t think I can fill them but I’m going to try. 

I took my night meds early and I’m still awake. My damn foot is hurting so bad. Maybe I will see my doc. I’ll call on Monday for an appt. Maybe something more than CRPS is going on. Not sure what as I haven’t done anything to injure my foot. I need to email the Neuro and find out what he plans on doing, if anything. I am going to ask him about ketamine infusions. That might help me. Might help the depression more. 

My psych responded to the email I sent her. She said maybe my mother and I can support each other. I don’t know how. I did help her up the stairs to her room. The couch didn’t help her back last night. My sisters were talking about putting a bed downstairs for her, especially if she gets her other knee replaced in Jan. I am kind of nervous about it as it will be done at a small hospital. I just worry that between her heart and diabetes, there might be unforeseen complications and the hosp might not be able to deal with it.

I am glad I have this blog to vent my worries and frustrations. Writing really helps.

Black Friday 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Black Friday 2017

I was up in pain most of the night. I think I finally went to bed around 5ish. After 3, I was checking my bank account for the deposit that I should have had. It usually comes in around 0330. By 0430, nothing was in. I just assumed it was because yesterday was a holiday. When I woke up around 11, I was reading twitter and my bank had posted a tweet saying they were having trouble with direct deposits. D’oh. I was hoping to have my deposit later today, which did happen. Now I can pay my bills and be poor come Monday.

My mother made cherry pie and that was all that interested me. I didn’t want leftovers, just pie. My sisters and brother in law went up to New Hampshire for the weekend. Before leaving, my brother in law told me to feed the fish and cats outside and to take the recycle bin to the driveway. I fed the fish. The recycle bin was on the porch so they must have come before they left. I wasn’t going to feed the feral cats. I’ll feed them in the morning when I get up.

I am so tired from pain. My foot still is hurting me despite being in bed most of the day. I was tempted to make an appt with my doc but I don’t think there is anything that can be done. I was just feeling so hopeless. I emailed my psychiatrist. I told her how rotten I felt and how I read the radiology report of my bone scan. All week, the top of my foot has hurt really bad and trying to move the ankle the way it should hurts like hell.

Tuesday, I see my PT. I am not going to go to the pain program she wants me to go to. Hell, I am not sure I even want to be in PT anymore. I am seeing the brace clinic Tuesday night. I really don’t know what to expect from them. Hopefully, they can give me something to immobilize my ankle when it hurts like this as well as something that keeps weight off it.

hodgepodge 999

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hodgepodge 999

My foot is keeping me up so my brain is thinking of things that is making it harder to sleep. Tonight’s thoughts are centered around my ex-ex-girlfriend. We are no longer friends because she said she wanted to “jump my bones” when she sees me next summer. The last time we talked by phone which was more than a few weeks ago, she told me her neighbor, a male, had raped her a couple of times and they also had consensual sex. She got upset that night we talked because this neighbor and her got into an argument so she cut herself pretty bad. She has a lot of mental health issues, her deepest one is being repeatedly used as a sex toy by her father. I think that this along with her bipolar disorder has made her a sex addict. She wasn’t getting the affection from her neighbor anymore, so she cut. It upset me, not because she cut, but because she was having relations with a male. I was a female when I met her. She was out as a lesbian. We had relations for about two years. She was my first love.

I had started to fall out of love for what reason, I am not sure. She is very self-centered, always putting herself first. Whenever I was having a hard time, she ignored me and then told me her problems. Often times she would text me and then shower or fall asleep. In the meantime, I had no idea why she wasn’t responding. It hurt that she didn’t respect my feelings of whatever I was going through and truly couldn’t be there for me. She tried a few times, but she really didn’t know how to be supportive. Or she would say something supportive and then move on to her problems. She has MS and is prone to falling. One time we were texting and she told me she fell. I didn’t hear back from her till the next day. I was going out of my mind about what was happening to her. Sometimes she would end up in the ER because she needed stitches. Why would you tell someone you fell and then not respond afterwards with what is happening?? I was getting annoyed because this happened more than once. A few times she was in an emotional crisis and then I wouldn’t hear from her for hours. She fell asleep from the meds she took, usually her klonopin (not lethal dose). It was emotionally draining. I loved her but I didn’t like being used as this support and not having it returned. She said she loved me all the time but I was questioning that love because she said it so easily yet I felt they were just words she was saying without no meaning behind it.

After I found out about the neighbor and she was still “friends” with him, I couldn’t stand it. How could you continue to see someone that 1) takes advantage of you and 2) rapes you because they got high?? I started being distant with her. On our last contact, after she said she wanted to “jump my bones”, I told her I didn’t want to see her next summer. We had other words but I don’t remember what they were and I deleted her messages. We didn’t speak for 2 days and this was because I was in a flare with my ankle/foot. I pretty much was in bed and sleeping for those days. She didn’t text me at all and I didn’t care. But she was upset that I didn’t text her. I didn’t fall for the bait this time. She called me a freak and said to delete messages from her. So I blocked her number on my phone and on Facebook. I didn’t say anything else other than to thank her for calling me a freak. I then said bye. If she has tried to contact me, I have no clue. I still care about her even though I don’t love her. I’m just worried that she cut herself again with ending our relationship. I know that isn’t my fault, if it happened. I still think about her. I need to stop thinking about her. But my brain is still analyzing the situation.