Tag: CRPS

Lost in the Echo

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Lost in the Echo

Well, my pain has intensified. The pain meds have helped but the physical pain has been replaced by neuropathic pain. I can’t win today. It’s way too early to take my night meds. I can take my Neurontin and hope to stop the burning pain that I am feeling. I don’t care if it makes me dopey. I got no where I need to be tonight. I just need to be extra careful if I should go back downstairs to use the bathroom or to eat something, should I get hungry.

I emailed my psychiatrist because I was feeling horrible. I was going to page her but then I started crying and would be inaudible as I have this mother of a cold. I was feeling better with it until I started crying. Now my nose is clogged up. I really hate being sick, but fortunately, I know it will pass. Unlike my damn foot pain. I told my psych I wanted to remove the offending metatarsals. But they are the major structures in the foot and it would be severely hard to walk without them. At this point, I don’t really fucking care. I just want the pain to stop.

I texted my therapist on what my plan was. I didn’t tell her it was off the table because the way I feel right now, I could do it and hope to choke on the pills before they try to kill me. Terrible way to die but at least it would accomplish the goal. I am a miserable fuck right now so please don’t judge me on these wild ideas. I am trying to distract myself with music and writing this blog while I still can before I succumb to sleep. Least I hope I will. Sometimes my meds knock me out and other times they keep me up. I never know what it is going to be. And it sucks. Usually during the day my meds make me tired and during the evening, they make me hyper. No rhyme or reason for this. It is just the way it works. I really think PTSD keeps me from sleeping at night because I get so racked up in anxiety it prevents the meds from making me drowsy.

I would have my therapist call me but that sometimes proves difficult as she has a busy schedule. I talk with the idiot tomorrow anyways. I am sure it’s going to be “fun”. I don’t know if she read the last couple of blogs I sent her. I hope she did because I think they are important and she always wants to know what is up. If she hasn’t read them, I give up. I don’t know why I bother sometimes. Lately, my blogs haven’t been long, winded ones so I don’t understand why she can’t read it. Then she’ll want me to read it to her and I torture her by saying no. My revenge.

I thought of writing something for my book. The Daily Word Prompts have given me some starting points but unfortunately, I don’t have my writing pad on my bed. I have been meaning to get it but not today. And it’s not risk extra pain to get it. Writing on a notepad helps me better than writing on a word doc. I don’t know why that is. I think it’s because I don’t get annoyed if I spell something wrong and have a red line under it. It stops the word flow because I have to change/fix it. Least after I have written something on my pad and then I am typing it up (providing I can read my handwriting clearly) I can edit or make changes as I go. Usually in a word doc, I don’t do that until I read it months later. Drives me crazy.

I feel like I am being punished by being in chronic pain. For what exactly, I haven’t figured that out yet. It could be all my swearing, not going to church, despising my father on his death bed. You name it. Being transgender. I read today the horrors of how homosexuals have been treated in the past and continue to be in certain countries. It makes me so sad yet so suicidal. I feel like I can never be who I am meant to be because of fear of not only being discriminated against but also be tortured for it.

I had ordered a DVD and it was supposed to be delivered today but there is some kind of delay. It’s a bummer because I really wanted to watch it. Now I think I will watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and break my tradition of just watching it near Christmas. There are a few movies that I have to watch around Christmas. The Grinch (cartoon version), A Christmas Carol, Home Alone, and It’s a Wonderful Life. I still would love to own the version of the Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. I haven’t been able to find it, yet. Not like I have looked really hard. Maybe I will get it as a birthday gift if I make it through the holidays without a hospitalization. I feel like going back to Netflix so I can watch some Friends shows. I canceled the subscription because I wasn’t on it all the time and I couldn’t justify one night a month watching it for the price. I rather read a book than watch a TV show or movie. Hence why I have so many damn books to read.

Which reminds me, I still have 7 books I need to read by the end of Dec. I’d read now but I am kind of dopey and my concentration is lax because of the medication. I really should try and sleep but I know if I do, I will be up all night and that won’t be good. Then I will be sleeping all day tomorrow. It won’t make for a good therapy session. I have 3 books I am actively reading. I just go from one to another each day, but I haven’t touched Dostoevsky since Sept I think. The book was annoying me because it just talks without going anywhere. I don’t know when I am going to finish it, but it certainly won’t be within the next month. There are too many chapters to read. The other books I am reading are interesting but my concentration varies. I try to read at least 2 chapters instead of one but it’s getting difficult with my pain being so damn painful. It makes me just want to hide under the covers and not do much else. Or just read Twitter or Facebook. Then I am really doing nothing. I feel bad about not reading because I have a shitload of time on my hands so it’s not like I don’t have time. It’s just getting to it that is the hard part.

my crazy therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My crazy therapist

I had therapy today reluctantly. She gave a bunch of reasons why she felt the need to meet today, but I could tell she was just justifying her need to talk to me this week. As I thought, we didn’t really talk much about anything other than her need to constantly know what I am up to. I did tell her I was done. I didn’t go into more than that and she didn’t ask. I honestly felt like we were talking in circles. I was still groggy as I didn’t sleep well. Pain kept me up most of the night and then I woke up after a 3 hour nap to take some more pain meds around 0530 this morning.

I told her I had planned on cancelling next week but she begged me not to. So we are meeting. It’s just a waste of time for me. I don’t understand why she is bothering to try and save my life when I am clearly very intent on ending my life. It’s so stupid. She reiterated today that she cares about me and that she doesn’t care that her caring is a little unconventional. She is going through some great lengths to talk to me. However, her anxiety around my suicidality is apparent. She tends to talk about nothing most of the session, which leaves me feeling like she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. Granted today, I didn’t want to talk at all. I was too tired to put two sentences together much less a conversation.

My foot and ankle are still throbbing. I really want to make something to eat but going down the stairs might hurt me more than I already hurt. I took some pain pills so I am hoping it calms down the pain enough that I might be able to get to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. I told my therapist that the Neurontin has caused me to gain at least eight pounds in the last few weeks. My eating habits haven’t changed that much but I just put on the weight. My doc tomorrow is not going to be happy about this but I really don’t care. There is nothing I can do to prevent weight gain other than restricting calories and I am not good at that. My therapist told me I had other fish to fry, which made me feel better, a little bit.

Pain meds have started to kick in. I don’t understand why they work “faster” in the day time and take forever to work during the night time. I am very drowsy. I need to take a shower some time today as I need to get up really early tomorrow morning. Just thinking about it, is exhausting me. I am going to take a little nap. Maybe when I wake up, I will have enough energy to make something to eat and shower.

Just a lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Just a lazy Friday

I woke up around 8 this morning and used the bathroom. I then went back to sleep only to wake up around 1300. I made some coffee and reheated some Lo Mein. That was all that my foot needed to explode. I was going to make my pumpkin cake today but I am not, even though it’s an easy recipe. I just don’t want to exert myself and then be toast tomorrow. I really want to go to the party tomorrow night. I am just going to try and rest today and stay off my foot as much as possible.

It’s raining today so I guess that is a good thing as I planned on killing myself today. I guess my time isn’t up yet. I am feeling pretty sad at this and angry. My therapist texted me last night. I told her to give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill myself and she gave me a couple. She said that I was worthwhile and valuable. Then the voices in my head started calling me a turd and a shithead. So I went to sleep with that in my head.

I wanted to work on my book but I am getting drowsy from the pain meds. I thought the coffee I had would offset the side effects but I was wrong. I don’t really care. I am listening to country radio and thinking of my friend. I feel sad knowing that she is gone. Her daughters are devastated. I can only imagine how her husband of 40 years feels. He is doing some running thing in DC. He is running in her honor.

I am feel really low. I also feel defeated, like something has been taken from me and I can’t get it back. I really don’t want to be anymore. If the weather was better, I might have still gone through with my plan. It just gives me another opportunity at another point in time. I feel risky because I can do it at any time. I don’t have to have a date. I just need to “snap” and have it be a nice day out. Of course, winter is on it’s way so there aren’t going to be that many nice days left. Birthday Month is coming up. I don’t know how I am going to handle all of this. I just don’t want to live anymore.

therapy, groceries, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Therapy Groceries and other things

I had therapy today. We talked in depth about my suicidality. She reiterated that she cares for me and I could tell by her voice she wasn’t shitting me. I think she got all choked up when she thought she would have to inform my psychiatrist that I was gone. I would leave it up to the authorities to do that job. I am meeting with her in person tomorrow. I just got paid and after all is said and done, I am broke again.

She did most of the talking because her anxiety was up. We talked about my plan and she did talk me out of it. I told her I would get rid of the pills, but I am not going to. She might take the gun away (the plan) but I am keeping the bullets. Besides, there is no way I can walk to my destination so I need another one. Crisis averted. I feel like an asshole now.

After therapy, I had some of the left over Chinese food that I ordered. And then I left for the Square for Starbucks and a haircut. I was going to grow my hair out but I don’t have the patience. I am going to try and grow out the top a little bit so I can style it better. I am glad I have a good barber that I like and makes me feel comfortable. It’s easy talking to him about things.

I came home and I was exhausted. I didn’t think I would be able to stand putting my groceries away when they came. I don’t know how I managed but I did, but I had to take sitting breaks in between. I also had to take some stuff to the basement freezer as ours was just too crammed with stuff. I knew I would as I did order a lot of frozen items. And I found my sauce while I was down there! I was so happy. I thought my sister had swiped it from me. I will take that out Sunday and have it then or Monday, depending on how much thaws out.

I was going to make my pumpkin cake and a cranberry cake. Now, the way I feel, it is not happening. I bought a Boston coffee cake and I will take that to the party on Saturday. I need to rest because tomorrow I will be seeing my therapist so that needs a lot of spoons and frankly, just getting up uses quite a few and that doesn’t even include washing up and brushing my teeth. Some days it takes all I have to go to the bathroom. I try to do all the downstairs activities while I am there but lately, I just want to crawl back to bed and stay there for an eternity. If I do manage to go out, washing up and brushing my teeth doesn’t happen.

I haven’t had dinner yet. I have a burger that must be cooked or it will be wasted. But I am too tired to cook right now. I hope I have some energy Friday so maybe I can at least make the cranberry cake. I have been dying to make it for a week now. Only thing that I need to do tonight, other than eating, is taking a shower to wash my hair out. If I don’t have energy for the shower, I might use the kitchen sink. It will all depend on how I feel.