Tag: CRPS

Saturday Blog 7

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 7

Woke up in pain early this morning. Then my stomach joined in the fun and I have been aching ever since. It is the worst gastritis I have had in quite some time. I have taken all the usual antacids you can take to quiet it down and nothing has helped. Eating makes it worse so I have been trying to not eat but I am hungry. I wish I could make some rice but I am so bad at it. I always burn it or overcook it. I need the 90 sec rice by Uncle Ben. I made the mistake last night of eating pizza around 9pm. It was very greasy pizza and it is still with me. My stomach did not like it as much as my taste buds did.

I did too much today but not in “normal” people terms. I stayed in. I haven’t left the house since Tuesday but I have been up and down the stairs most of the day as I just feel cooped up in my room. I also took a shower which inflamed my leg. It looks more like a tree trunk than a leg right now. So I am back in my bed, with the AC. It is really warm today. I don’t do well with heat. I haven’t since my nerve injury. I have become more intolerant over the years.

I haven’t pushed my book all week. It is hard being a self-promoter when you are in a lot of pain. I still have to send my book off for review. I am hoping that the AAS is kind to me. I also plan on donating a couple of books to my hometown library. It’s just a matter of getting there and right now walking is too difficult.

I still have not made my way to the pharmacy to refill my pain meds. Today was not a good day as I could barely walk between my stomach hurting and my leg flaring. I have been up since 4 and it sucks. I really hate hurting this much. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

I stayed away from coffee today and elected to have chamomile tea this morning. It helped some, though not as much as I was expecting. I wish the stomach pains would go away. I really hate it hurting. If my stomach wasn’t hurting, I would have had coffee today. I really am getting into having it at home and that is making me stay at home more because why have coffee at Starbucks? It is making me more of a hermit. I hardly have reason to leave the house anymore. I know I am supposed to be resting, and I am for the most part. But not leaving the house for almost a week now is a record for me. I don’t have any doc appointments until the following week. I talk with my therapist on the phone because I don’t have a car to go out to see her. She is thirty miles away from me. She used to be in the next town over but as she moved along in her road, I have followed her.

I should, if the swelling in my leg is down, I will go out on Monday, or try to. I really miss having my Kati Kati iced coffee. It’s a coffee from Africa and I love it. Last summer it came out and it was so good. It is one of my favorites. I am NOT going to buy some for home because I really will never leave the house, unless I run out of half and half!

Midnight demons are out tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Midnight demons are out tonight

Since Midnight I have been in some serious pain. I got very distress and despondent. I thought about killing myself and was cursing my therapist for allowing me to still exist. A blogger friend was posting blogs so I asked her if she wanted to chat and we chatted for a few hours. She had to go because she had some stuff to do in the morning. Which is fine. I understand.

I still am in pain three hours later despite taking pain meds and using a pain gel. I don’t think I am going to sleep tonight and all I can think about is killing myself. I posted on FB that I wanted to use a chainsaw to chop my leg off. I seriously wonder if that is the better course of action. Just cut out the part that is hurting. I know there will be something called phantom pain afterwards but it can’t be worse than what I am going through right now. At least then, I will know WHY I am in pain. There is NO FUCKING REASON why I should be in pain. I didn’t do a damn thing today to warrant this pain. There is nothing wrong with my damn foot and ankle. Yet it hurts really bad. And it is burning me so bad. Pain is so bad I can’t even describe it. All I know is that I am hurting and want to kill myself. Just everything is dark and gray. I feel so hopeless. I know I am never going to get better.

I was talking with an ex-coworker tonight. I missed talking with her and she answered my text. We chatted for a bit and she asked when I was coming back to work. When I said I didn’t know if I could because of my pain, she chimed in that if I stop complaining maybe I would have my job back. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe she would say something so insensitive. My pain is real and I suffer greatly. I don’t know why I suffer the way I do but I do. I got really upset. But then I thought she is ignorant and doesn’t know what I go through every day. She doesn’t know how hard it is going down the stairs or that I have to limit my standing time or I will pay dearly for it. Sure I can suck it up and not complain. But then it will only fuel the demons. I kept quiet about my internal psychological pain for years and where did that get me? Nothing but psych hospitalizations after psych hospitalizations. Lead to cutting and drinking and more hospitalizations. So when I can finally express myself, why should I keep my physical pain inside? That is one of the reason why people kill themselves because people don’t know just how bad their pain hurts them. That is why people see their doctors only to get turned away because their pain doesn’t show up on any test. My x-rays and MRI shows there is nothing physically wrong with me. Yet my pain is real and it hurts really bad right now. So bad I am thinking of taking my life. So how can that be made up? How can it be held inside? The longer I keep it to myself the deeper it grows. They say that if you swear after stubbing a toe it lessens the pain. Well no matter much I swear, there is no lessening of this pain. I must rely on pain medication to help me deal with my pain. I wish it worked on my psychological pain but it doesn’t. Nothing helps my psychological pain. When both flares up (physical and psych) I am in the deepest waters struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. When I am not, someone comes by with a dinghy and I stay afloat.

I think my foot hurts just because it wants to. I think that I have been in pain for so long it doesn’t know what else to do but hurt me. And that causes my demons to worse and give me self doubt that this is all in my head. My therapist thinks that because of PTSD I have to be treated for my pain for my own safety. That if I am not treated, my PCP might as well just sign my death certificate. She is partially right. But I have a high pain tolerance and I haven’t been in this much pain in sometime. I know it is because the weather changes and having Hurricane Arthur pass by didn’t help me much. Plus this whole up 90 degrees and then down to 70 degrees really wrecks havoc on me. That’s a 20 degree difference. It hurts!

I keep looking at my pill bottle and wonder what will happen if I empty it. I have never OD’d on Tylenol before so I am kind of scared that it will cause me liver damage that I will regret. I think that is the only thing saving me from taking the rest of the bottle and hoping for the best. If I had a barbiturate or some other powerful sedating drug handy, I would take it. I just need/want some sleep. It’s 0330. I am glad I don’t have to get up early tomorrow. But I know I am only going to get a few hours of sleep and wake up. Probably wake up at 6 or 7. I might as well wait till 0400 to try and get some sleep. I took two pain pills to try and get me to calm down this pain. I just need it to be a 3 so I can sleep. It is a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I am sure that once I get nice and comfy, I will have to use the bathroom. Never fails. UGH how I hate that.

I fired my therapist today, several times

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It is really hot today and the humidity is killing me, making me really irritable. I only left my room for the usual items: coffee, food, and bathroom. I did manage to go to the bank to make a withdrawal. I am going to ask my Brother in law for some cash because I need my meds. And this month I am short. It’s my own fault because I thought I wouldn’t need groceries. I can never keep it to the minimum of what I need.

Sallie Mae keeps calling me every three hours now. I am going to answer the next time they call and make them look like a fool. If they ask what can I pay them, I will say $10/month. Screw them. I can barely buy groceries and they want $132+ dollars a month? Fuck them.

I talked to my therapist even though I fired her. I wasn’t in a talking mood. She did the SSF to see where I was. I was so out of it I don’t remembered what I answered. Doesn’t matter now. My sister is home so I can’t kill myself even if I really wanted to. There is no way I am killing myself with the potential of my little niece finding me. So I am stuck here, again. And I am not happy about it.

The only good news to report is that my pain levels have shifted downward. I am not in as much pain as I was. I hope this stays this way for the next week because I am out of my pain meds, again. I don’t know what possessed me to have my doc reduce my number of pills. Course, there was a time when I was hardly taking them. I would have pain flares at least twice a month. Now it’s like almost every week. I know it is just to adjust to the temperature. I get that but why does it have to be so painful?

I started a letter, in a word doc, that I thought I would post as a blog. It was for my therapist and her foolish ways about me wanting to live. Anyways, it got a little more personal than I would like and never published it. I might read it to her tomorrow or might password it so she can open it but she isn’t too tech savvy so I am not sure it is worth doing. I might get more aggravated than helped.

Issues around my body came about today. I told her I was ugly and there is no fixing that. She was trying to tell me otherwise but it was falling on deaf ears. I can tell I really want to talk about this because I keep checking the internet and twitter for the past 1/2 hour. So I will just leave it as I am ugly and my therapist is fired because she thinks otherwise.

Power is out

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Power is out

Our power has been out for the past half hour. I decided to write a blog as I won’t be getting distracted with the internet while I type.

I still can’t walk. I picked up my niece, relatively pain free, until I came home. Then my leg had a fit and I have been walking with a cane since. I can barely stand on my own. Any weight that I bear on my left leg sends it to spasms. I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t stay in my room all day. My older niece is watching the younger one right now.

My prescription at Walgreens is ready to be picked up. I guess I can try tomorrow and see if I can walk there. I could do that now but I barely made it up the stairs to my room and I really don’t feel like going down two flights of stairs and then walking a few blocks to Walgreens today. It will kill me. I need to rest as I am out of “spoons”.

My room is getting stuffy but it’s cooler than the rest of the house because I had the AC on. I am hoping it comes back soon. Today is the first really hot day in a long time so I bet a transformer or something blew as the neighborhood is out. I just hope it gets fixed soon. I can’t take the heat or humidity. It just sucks. I thought about going to Starbucks to get my coffee but again, I won’t be able to walk there, not with this amount of pain that I am in.

It really sucks not having the internet. Hopefully this blog gets posted today. I guess that is an advantage of having a battery operated laptop. You can still use Word to get stuff done. I could edit my short story but without light in my room, that is difficult. I have the window blocked for all light because it hurts my eyes and I hate sleeping with light in my room during the day. I never know how I am going to sleep so it’s good that my room is dark.

Just had therapy. We talked more about my PTSD symptoms and medicating myself than anything. I feel guilty taking my pain meds but if I am dissociating like she says I am, I am obviously in a lot more pain than I realize. She said that it was okay for me to take my pain meds and that helped a little. She also said that I should use my stronger pain med to try and break the pain cycle. She is just looking out for my psychological interests because she knows if I start feeling trapped because of my pain, I will have a suicidal episode that no amount of medication is going to help me. Unless I overdose or something. She is trying to keep me as sane as possible. But I still am having anxiety about getting CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, again. If I was still having the back pain I was having a few weeks ago, I would be in the ER so fast. But I am not. I just can’t bear any weight on my left leg and I don’t know why. I know it is because it is swollen and tender. But there is no apparent injury. I didn’t fall. No one hit me in the leg. I wasn’t in a car crash or other traumatic event. It just flared up on me and now I am paying the price because I socialized at my niece’s graduation party. I stood and walked too much around the room. Granted it was hurting me before the party. I had gone to a Sox game a few nights before. And this is why I am on disability. Because I can’t stand more than a few hours and I can’t walk more than say 300 feet in a certain amount of time. Monday I over did it with me walking around the world. Now I just have to rest my leg. But it is so hard being laid up. I can’t do anything. All I can do is non-mobile stuff like writing, reading, and watching movies. I hate being immobile. HATE it. But if I don’t stay off my feet I am in pain, severe, debilitating pain.

I would so order out tonight but that would mean having to go down stairs to the first floor and I just can’t do that. I wish you could order just a few things on Peapod (online grocery shopping) but you have to have a minimum of $60 to place an order. I don’t need $60 worth of groceries. But I am wondering if that will be a good idea so I don’t have to walk around the grocery store to get what I need. I am in such a pickle with money though. I like to have some cash around because some friends are coming up to see me and I would like to go out with them. But if I don’t get this pain under control, going out except for the house burning down is going to be my only option of leaving my room. Right now, I am trying to strategize how to get to the pharmacy to get my prescription that I need. I can’t do the little things so forget about the bigger things (going out with friends). Hopefully, I will have the car tomorrow so that will make my life a little easier. I still have to take my father to his doc appointment. Something I am not looking forward to because his doc is NEVER on time and I hate waiting!