Tag: Daily Word Prompt

today’s word prompt

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today’s word prompt: biography

Today’s word prompt is asking if there was a biography, what would it be called? I have an autobiography and it is called Midnight Demon, the name of this blog. I published it in 2014. I will have another memoir coming out this year, I hope. I will have a separate blog about it. I don’t want to give it away just yet. I am working with the editor.

The post nasal drip that I have had the past two days has turned into a slight cough. I took some extra vitamin D to combat it. I don’t feel sick but I have a headache. I have been up since before 8am when my sister got up for work and then my brother in law woke up the house for whatever reason. He was so fucking loud. I tried to go back to sleep but I had to pee and just decided to stay up. I took my meds. I tried napping a few times but the cough kept disrupting my rhythm.

I had cold pizza for lunch. I also had two cups of coffee, well really a cup and a half as the Keurig was out of water for the first cup so I only got half a cup. I tried studying but there is just so much information that I am overwhelmed. I finished chapter 3 last night before bed. It was a long chapter. I got class tomorrow. Even the slides for this chapter is long. First exam is next Tuesday and I am freaking out already. I got to know how I did on the quiz from last week. I will use it as my study guide.

I’ve two Italian lessons on Duolingo today. I scored perfectly. I am getting better at it. I just wish I could do the pronunciations better. I am going to try for Italian 102 next year, if school doesn’t bankrupt me. I still have no idea how I am going to pay the $2700 I owe right now. I am so stressed about it.

I need to take a shower today. I sweated throughout the night again. I stink. I’ll take it before bedtime. I am so tired I hope that I can make it till then. I am going to try and go through the slides again. I tried taking notes but there is just so much to write. And they talk about this sea slug for a whole section because it has just 20,000 neurons and it can be seen. I am like good for the little guy but what the hell does this have to do with learning? So many things about it. Then the chapter ends on the opening paragraphs about Jeffrey Dahmer, which had nothing to do with the chapter itself, thank god. I am not into serial killers. One of the reasons why I stopped watching Criminal Minds was cause it was getting to real. Like I could actually picture someone in real life doing these things if not worse. It’s like the Lawrence Block story I read years ago about how these brothers would vacation to different cities together just to kidnap, rape, and kill a woman in the town. Freaks me out.

It has been windy all day and the heat has been on, making my room hot. I would open the window but I know it will make my room very cold because of the wind. I learned my lesson when the temp in my room dropped to 53F. It took forever for my room to warm up. It is not too warm, just around 70. Any warmer and I would turn on the ceiling fan.

therapy black out

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy black out

Trigger warning sexual abuse talk

I had therapy today and in the middle of it, my power goes out. I had to use my hotspot to connect but because I was in the dark, I didn’t turn the camera on. UGH. We were talking about trauma and specifically my mother’s abuse towards me. She sexually abused me from the time I was young, like age 2 to 13. She always had to look at my genitals or breasts. Now that I have been cathing for a while, I still have flashbacks to when she touches me when I touch myself. In my pediatric records, the doctor notes that my “vagina was closing” according to my mother but I wonder if it was really my urethra as it is in my vaginal opening. I’ve had a few UTI’s growing up and I wonder if it is because my mother stuck things in there. I also had a trauma medical procedure done to me when I was five. I had to be restrained physically and chemically for the doctor to do the procedure. All I remember is that I was screaming for my mother to get me, to comfort me, and when she didn’t come, I felt abandoned. I hated my mother for not being there. It was then that I started hearing voices.

Today’s WordPrompt from WordPress is transition. I was talking about my transition today with my therapist as my mother misgendered me, again. It invalidates me and makes me think my transition is not worth it. As I will always be seen as a “daughter” to her rather than a son. She thinks she owns me. I haven’t told her that I will be having top surgery yet. I want to make sure the insurance is going to cover it. I don’t want to tell her and then it not happen. It is five months away anyways. I am hoping that I can have it sooner but I got to know insurance will cover it first.

I am going for blood work this week so asked my pcp if they also need a urine sample because my test strip for home testing tested positive for white cells. I don’t know if my bladder is still inflamed or what. It still hurts though and even though I am starting the estrogen cream tonight, it could be a month before it has an effect. I was going to start last night but I got too tired to put it on. I was going to put it on after my last cath for the night but I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was comfy.

I woke up a couple of time during the night to pee and I was on the same schedule as my mother as every time I had to go pee so did she. I might have to hide the benzoyl peroxide I bought as I found it on the sink rather than in the cabinet. The last tube I bought was used by family members. I never had a chance to use it because it was used up before I could or it went missing on me. I have a breakout of zits right now and need to use it. For fuck’s sake, I bought it with my money and the shit is not cheap. Pisses me off that someone keeps using my acne products.

I wanted to make a zucchini chicken stir fry for supper but my ankle and foot are hurting me too much. My mother is just going to make the chicken with salt and pepper for me. I just realized I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast this morning. I never made lunch like I had wanted to. Therapy just got me so upset.

Black Daily Word Prompt 12 Nov

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Black (Daily Word Prompt 12-Nov)

I love the song Black by Pearl Jam so the Word Prompt was perfect.

I woke up early after going to bed late due to pain. I slept until around 2 when I went back to sleep. I didn’t feel like going out to do one errand. I’ll do it tomorrow. I thought I had PT but it’s not on my appointment list. No point in showing up just for them to tell me to go home. I cancelled next week because I got to go to the Registry to renew my license and change my gender. I’ll write up a letter and send it to my psychiatrist for her to sign. I’ll bring a copy of it just in case it gets lost in her email. I’ve been getting conflicting information so I’ll have both with me plus the legal document for the name change. I don’t have my gender changed on my birth certificate. That you can only do once you are surgically altered to be the sex you want to be. It also cost money, which I don’t have. When I have the top surgery, then I will worry about it.

I got a call from radiology for my bone scan. It was to remind me I have an appointment Thursday and also that the test takes fricken 5 hours. I’ll be bringing my Kindle and maybe a book. Hopefully I can go to Starbucks for coffee. It’s going to be a long day. I then have to see my psychiatrist the next day, early in the morning. I will have everything in my bag so I don’t forget anything as I won’t be coherent enough to remember shit at that hour.

Foot is acting up. I hate it when my bones hurt. That is worse than my “regular” pain. It’s harder to treat because it is so severe. Luckily, I am due for my pain meds so I just took them. If not, I will take the strong pain pill. Juggling these meds is a joke. Last night my foot and ankle were lighting up like a Christmas tree so I was up half the night. Going to be interesting to see when I have the sleep study if I will be able to sleep and if not, take my pain meds if I am in a flare. I’ll bring them with me, just in case. Night time is always bad for me. I just hope I can get a ride there so I don’t have to walk from the T station. It’s farther walk than the hospital I get my care at.

My UK royalties came in today, after waiting all year. A whopping $9. I can get a sandwich and a coffee at Starbucks, lol. I like that I am an international author but the payments for royalties other than USD takes forever to process because they have to be in USD or the bank rejects the deposit. There is nothing I can do about it as it is a foreign currency issue.

Tomorrow I need to go to the grocery store as fresh cranberries are on sale. I want to make my Nantucket cranberry cake for Thanksgiving next week. I want to make a gluten free one for my sister’s mother in law as she has celiac. Hopefully it will come out okay. I’ll use the throw away pans that I bought. My mother wants me to buy some bacon as well as it is on sale. That is the only time my mother buys bacon. She likes the hickory smoked kind and I like the maple, though I really don’t care. Bacon is bacon. She will eat it as well.

Last night I was scrolling through Instagram and an ad popped up for some weight loss thing. It was a free trial so I am going to try it and see if I can lose some weight. You take it once a day, though I am not sure if it is a powder or a pill. I’m kind of stuck in that I can’t exercise so if this works and I lose at least 20 pounds or more, I will be happy. I just hope I don’t lose my kidneys or liver in the process. That is always my fear with these diet things. They say that it was on Dr. Oz so I am going with that.

Daily Word Prompt Missing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

Daily Word Prompt Missing

I saw this word and immediately thought of my deceased father. I never thought I would be missing him, but I am. I miss his stupid phone calls. I miss taking him to doctor appointments. I miss the chaos he used to cause whenever I had to drive him somewhere. While I was driving, he loved to pinch my arm that was on the steering wheel. It would make me jump and freaked me out because wtf. I didn’t want to get into an accident and here this asshole is making me uncomfortable driving. He would always laugh when I told him to stop. And the endless directions of where to go. Go down this way, no go this way. I know a short cut. Take this right/left. I actually listened to him one night while driving home from his sister’s and we got lost. Never again will I listen to him. And now I will never again hear him give directions on how to get somewhere.

It’s been seven months since he has passed. It still feel like yesterday. I am glad the intrusive thoughts of his death have passed. I think I have been traumatized by his death because I never seen a human being die before. It wasn’t pleasant. I am grateful that when we brought him to his apartment, he died within a few hours and wasn’t a long drawn out affair.

I remember the whole day that he died, from the moment we came and saw him to the transport of bringing him home, to his final breath. I still feel anger for some reason. I don’t know if it is because of the way I felt towards him or because of the stages of grief. I feel stuck in it and I can’t get unstuck. Not that I am an angry person. I am not, least I don’t think I am. My father was. He was also very vengeful. It really pissed me off that things that had nothing to do with him, pissed him off. He would tell stories and I couldn’t help to think that this man was nuts with anger. Oh how he hated my grandmother (mother’s mother).

But despite all these wicked stories and aggravations, I miss seeing and hearing from him nearly every day. Every time I get notification of the bus line that brought me to his door, I think of him. Every time I see the bus, which is frequently, I think of him. He hated me taking the bus over going to the train station, because it was “easier and faster”. It really was the same time as taking the bus to his house. His sense of time was different than other peoples. And he hated waiting. The man had nothing better to do yet he would have a damn fit if the doctors were late seeing him. One time the doc was almost an hour late and he wanted to leave. I told him we couldn’t or we wouldn’t be able to get his medication refilled. He hated that I had an evening appointment with this doc but I didn’t. It was the first one available and I took it because I didn’t want my father to run out of his medication and then have the hassle of not getting it because he hasn’t been seen. He doctor was an asshole. But he provided care to my father and I was grateful for that.

It is tough around the holidays and birthdays. Not seeing him at these parties is a heartbreaker. This will be the first Christmas without him and it will mark his eighth month of his passing so it will be a difficult day. My sister was crying at Thanksgiving and I think she will cry again on Christmas. She was closer to my father than I was. I had to distance myself from him because he loved to torture me so much. But I would give anything to hear him make fun of me again.