Tag: depression

Productive Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Productive Sunday

I woke up around 10. I took my BP meds and antibiotic. I should have taken my pain meds but I wasn’t in too much pain. I wanted coffee so I got dressed to go to the store to get some half and half. While I was drinking my coffee, I read some Tom Sawyer. Around noon, I was getting hungry so made something to eat. My foot and mouth were hurting so I took some pain meds as well.

I found out my favorite announcer, Jerry Remy, was going to be on the radio today as NESN, the sports channel for the Sox, were honoring him for his 30 years of service. He isn’t in the booth right now because he had a recurrence of lung cancer. This is his 4th time getting it. He is confident that he will beat it and be back to the booth next year. I listened to the game. They won 5-1 over the Yanks and currently hold a five game lead over them in the AL East standings. I am proud of my boys.

After the game, my foot was hurting me and I was getting drowsy. My mother told me that they would be working on the water pipes this week so the water might be rusty. I decided to take a shower to see if that would wake me up. It made me tired. I didn’t want to nap because I think I am back to my sleep schedule. I took some strong pain meds to try and quiet my foot down but it didn’t make a difference.

I read some more of Tom Sawyer until I finished the book. I feel accomplished as that was one of my goals for the weekend was to finish a book and I did it. I had started a new one last night by Lawrence Block called Sins of the Father. I read it before but forgot what it was about. I read the first chapter and I still don’t remember too much about it. Guess I’ll find out when I read more. I also started Rumble Fish by SE Hinton. I should fly with that book. It is an easy read. When I finish that book, I will read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. It’s the only Harry Potter book I haven’t read. It’s all dialogue as it’s a play. Kind of like reading Shakespeare. I hope it is easy reading.

I need to sleep tonight so I hope this pain goes away soon. I might have to take some more strong pain pills. I’ll be taking my night meds soon. I forgot to take my antibiotic at dinner so I will again be late in taking it. Last night I fell asleep before I took it. I was hoping to wake up before midnight but I didn’t. I woke up around 0330 because my bladder needed to be emptied. Then the pain started. I am getting really despondent about this pain business. I really don’t know how to live like this anymore. I don’t want to live anymore. I want to go back to work or get my degree. But chances of either of those happening is like winning the lottery.

My laptop screen is getting worse. I keep on getting glitches. I need to get it repaired. Luckily I know someone that does computer work so he is going to help me fix it. I really don’t want to send my laptop back to Dell for $300. I need to save some money from now on so I can change my name by my birthday.

I got a busy week this week. I see my therapist tomorrow. I don’t have an agenda of things to talk about. I’ll probably just ramble for 45 minutes and then he’ll say “see you next week”. I honestly don’t know why I bother. If I had any brains, I should have cancelled last week when I had the chance.

I have a hefty grocery bill this month because my mother wanted some things. My stuff alone was around $200 as I had to order ingredients for the things I wish to bake. Plus her things and it’s like $230, the most I have ever spent on groceries. Guess I won’t be eating out this month. I’m going to try and order Chinese food because I haven’t had it in a while. It all depends on what is left over once all my bills are paid. I won’t know until Friday as that is when everything clears. I just hope I have at least $20 so I can get another haircut. I messed it up again when I was shaving the sides and back. It’s all grown back as my hair grows fast but I like it down to the skin.

I took some Neurontin as my foot is going berserk. The whole thing is burning something awful. I hope I sleep late tomorrow so I don’t spend unnecessary hours at Starbucks like I have in the past. I want to leave my house at 2 so I can have my espresso and a sandwich and write a little bit in my journal before catching the train to see my therapist. It’s supposed to be hot tomorrow, yuck. But I guess it is to be expected. There is also an eclipse sometime tomorrow. That will be interesting. I hope I am indoors when it happens. Luckily, Boston is not in the projected path.

no coffee for me!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No coffee for me!

I woke up around 1400. I didn’t get to sleep until 0700. It was a long night. I wanted coffee badly but my half and half went bad. I was too tired to go to the store to buy more and then make another cup. So I am not having coffee and I am very unhappy about it. I’ll go tomorrow to buy more.

I had a sound sleep though for some reason, my head likes to find the space between my two pillows, causing my neck to ache. I probably would still be sleeping if my bladder didn’t wake me up. I am glad I put my phone on “do not disturb” as I had a few messages and one missed phone call. I still am sleepy. I just had lunch and breakfast. I was hungry. I made a turkey, cheese, and cranberry sauce roll up and then had a couple of boiled eggs with toast.

I’ve only been awake for a few hours and already my ankle is killing me from making myself something to eat. FUCK. I took pain meds when I woke up as my mouth was hurting. Now my ankle is exploding. I am going back to bed. Hope I can sleep.

in the pit of despair

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

In the pit of despair

I have been in severe pain since 1500, so basically the last 12 hours because it is now 0315. My foot and ankle have been playing the divide and conquer game, giving me different pain in different parts of my ankle and foot, all at once. I don’t like this game at all. I can’t keep up with the pain and I don’t know what medicine to use to alleviate it. It is very frustrating.

My jaw/face was swollen so I put ice on it. It brought down some of the swelling. It is still giving me a hard time though when I eat as it feels like food is stuck there but it’s not. It’s just inflamed gums. It is so annoying. Tomorrow I go back to using the yucky rinse that causes my tongue to tingle. Fun stuff. The dentist wanted me to use the toothpaste that he gave me but I told him that it hurts to brush just once, let alone twice. He said not to use it on the hurt area. I was like, that area is where you WANT me to use it, which is why you prescribed it to me, ya Schmuck. I am not using the special toothpaste until my mouth is healed. My mouth, my choice.

I am trying not to get depressed but that is easier said than done. I feel my heart imploding and there is nothing I can do about it. It hurts and no amount of pain meds can take it away, as if it were that easy. Matters of the heart are never solved by medication. What it is solved by remains a mystery. The internal hurt that never goes away.

I was thinking of my father today. I have been flooded with memories of how he treated me, not all good. For some reason, while trying to organize the pics on my phone, his pics from when I got them loaded on my phone, including the one of him in his casket, are first in the order rather than the most recent ones that I have taken. I never thought I would forgive my father for his wrongdoings because he would never admit that he did something wrong. We were the ones that “made him” do the things to hurt us. As time is going by, and he is no longer here, I am finding a sense of peace from him knowing he can’t hurt me anymore. No more calls, no more threats, no more vengeance to the people he hated. Most people would say that my father is in heaven but I know better. He is either in Hell or purgatory. He never apologized for his sins before he died and he never would because “he did no wrong”. Asshole. But the bastard is on my mind these past few days. I got to put the pics of him in some kind of folder so I don’t come across them so frequently or it is going to drive me mad, well, madder than I already am.

I joined a suicide attempt survivor group on Facebook and a depression support group. Both are very busy and take up a lot of my feed. I’m not sure if I am going to stay in the depression group. People there are really rock bottom depressed and it doesn’t make me feel hopeful that things will be better. The other group, I am not sure about either. There is a lot of talk about suicide and suicide attempts though the rules state you can’t be talking about it. I have posted my story and someone there thinks I have season affective disorder because for three months I am depressed and suicidal. Being suicidal is not part of the SAD criteria. I have no other symptoms of being depressed other than being in despair and wanting to end my life, and of course, psychache. Those three symptoms are no where near the SAD criteria so I do not have SAD. It is part of the bipolar cycle. Most people with bipolar disorder will have this downfall about now through the fall. Studies have confirmed it. I think it is in the book Night falls fast or maybe touched with fire both by Kay Redfield Jamison. I am always good at remembering shit like this but not the source. It is my downfall.

Even though I feel despair, I really just feel nothing. I am numb. My heart is so heavy I can’t feel anything. I just want to be done with this. Being in pain sucks every day. One of the groups thought being in physical pain would be better than psychache. I said I thought the same until I had chronic pain and now it just makes me want to end my life all the more. I wonder what keeps me here, from not acting on my feelings and thoughts of suicide. They are frequent but more tolerable. Sometimes it is a passing thought, but tonight it is on my mind a lot. I haven’t picked a date or anything. I haven’t done that in months. In some ways, I think not seeing my ex-therapist has helped me be calmer about my suicidality rather than keep it heightened.

My psychiatrist has been trying to get me into a pain support group for months now and every time we get in touch with the coordinator, we are met with red tape. I really don’t care for this group. It can go to hell. But my psych really wants me to go to it. She thinks it can help me. I rather just not exist anymore. I mean, what is the point? I stay in my room most days and only go out when I have an appointment or feel like getting an espresso. Some days when I don’t leave the house, I don’t even make coffee. It has been having the opposite effect on me lately, making me tired rather than awake. I sleep. I have no friends outside of social media to talk to or hang out with. I am alone. I kind of like it but being in severe pain lately has really spun me around. I have been thinking of the plan that I came up with while in the hospital. I am just too cowardly to do it, I think. I just want to be gone. Away, permanently. Why is that so hard to understand??

Fat Friday cancelled

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fat Friday cancelled

I really, really wanted to get donuts today. A dozen and some munchkins (basically donut holes). I went to the Square as I got up around 0900. I had a turkey bacon sandwich and my espresso. Then I decided that if they had lavash bread, I’d get some turkey breast and have it for lunch rather than buying donuts. They didn’t have lavash bread so I got flour tortilla. It will do perfectly. I’ll also put in some cranberry sauce and it will be a yummy roll up. So my fat Friday was cancelled.

On the way home, I stopped at a convenience store to get quick picks for the lottery. The powerball just went up to half a billion dollars and the Mega Millions is like 300 million. Either would be nice to win. Then I went to Walgreens to pick up my Zofran. I was disappointed that the pills weren’t the ones that you put under your tongue. It was tablets. Oh well. The covering doc gave me a 90 day supply. I am lucky if I go through 30 in a year. I don’t use it that often, only when I get a migraine with nausea. Usually I’ll have the nausea before I get the migraine. So I am set for the next two years with this med.

Last night, the pit of despair surrounded me. Every year from Aug to Oct, I get really depressed and suicidal. This has been happening since 1994, when I had my first major depressive episode that landed me in the hospital from Aug till Jan 1995. I think that if I didn’t have a great psych resident at the time, I would have taken my life. Things were awful. I couldn’t go to school or work. I just slept all day and was in a severe depressed state. Nothing really happened to trigger it, as far as I know. But it has been happening every year since then.

I emailed my psychiatrist before I went to sleep last night. I had a hard time falling asleep because of pain and psychache. I joined a suicide attempt survivor group on Facebook. I hope it is a good group in which I can get support when I am feeling suicidal. The next few months are going to be rough. I can already feel the depression starting to set in. Maybe that is why I have been sleeping most days the last few weeks.

Last night I was talking with a friend. She can be a little bit too caring and set in her ways. I told her next week is going to be rough for me because I have back to back appointments. It’s going to be exhausting for me. She just replied that I should get a ride to the appointments. I tried to tell her that wasn’t the point and then she said at least I wouldn’t be walking. I told her sitting is just as bad for me. I really don’t want to use the ride because it costs money and I hate being a passenger with someone I don’t know driving. I also hate traffic. I rather take the T to where I am going. I know it will be exhausting so Wed I am not going to plan on doing anything. It’s the only day that I don’t have plans. Mon I have therapy, Tues is my neuro appt, wed rest day, Thurs seeing a friend for coffee, and Friday seeing the dentist for a check on my gums. It’s the first week that I have a busy schedule.

I need to call the place that made my AFO. The part that braces my leg is very dirty and worn. I tried cleaning it with a baby wipe but only some of the stuff came off. I noticed there were cracks in the material so I think it needs to be replaced. Only problem is I need a car to get to it as it’s not T accessible. It kind of is, but it’s a long walk from the station and I can’t walk that far. I noticed today that the part is removable. I am going to try plain old soap and water. If that doesn’t work, I will call. It’s been 6 years since I’ve had the AFO so it might need some tuning up.

I’m hoping to finish Tom Sawyer this weekend. If I do, I will move to some SE Hinton books called Tex and Rumble Fish. I haven’t read those books in a long time. I follow SE Hinton on Twitter and she is a very nice person who responds to any question, usually. I’ve loved her since I was a teen. She is one of my favorite authors. She wrote an adult book called Hawkes Harbor. After I read Tex and Rumble Fish, I will start that book. I think that is all the books that she wrote, other than The Outsiders, That was then, this is now, and Taming the star runner. I love all her books. I wish I could write like her. I keep thinking of writing a short story about sci fi and Star trek but I can never think too much about where to begin. I’ll write it one day. I just need to try and write if from a third person rather than first. I tend to do that a lot in my writing, only because it’s easier for me. Maybe I should take a creative writing class or something. I did take one in college but because of my psych issues, I had to withdraw from class midsemester. I miss school.