Tag: depression

another Vent

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

My cousin wrote on FB that there should be better “laws” for commitment of mentally ill than gun control. How pathetic. People who are suicidal can’t get the help they need and so turn to a gun for help. They don’t hurt anyone but themselves, yet she wants better commitment laws. There are more suicide in this country and it goes up every year. And she wants better commitment laws.

I wrote a rant about it. Ending sentence that I would commit suicide.  I couldn’t help it. I got caught up in the moment. How is it that I can eat, live, and breathe suicide yet I am not cured of it. How is it that I read and can quote but yet not stop myself from committing it.

I have a busy week. Meetings with doctors that are supposed to give me the help I need. Yet I don’t receive it. I’m still depressed and suicidal. There is no help for me. I just have to live because society wants me to. I am a follower of what is right and suicide is wrong. But why is it wrong? Why is taking my life wrong? I am not hurting anyone but myself, not physically anyway. I’m not threatening thousands of lives. Just one, my own. What makes my life more valuable than another’s. Do people not see that mental illness takes many forms other than violent ones?

I just posted this paragraph as my Facebook status and got 7 likes, no comments. I wanted to put the whole paragraph about my cousin but I did not want to alarm my sisters with “I’m going to kill myself”. I have many friends and family on Facebook and I bet the ones from the UK are going to be the first to respond, if they do at all.

Mental illness doesn’t always have to be violent. It can be silent and nonviolent like I am. They say that most people employers watch social media now. I don’t care. If I don’t work again because of my mental illness. It won’t be the end of the world for me. I’ll be in private practice anyways.

I got 1 like. We’ll see what else happens if anyone actually gives a shit about me.

Pdoc’s visit will be the same. Too bad I didn’t get her chocolate. I do have to get my MRI report for Hedges on Thursday. I have to be at MGH very early. Going to suck. I just hope I am awake enough to be coherent.

No one has responded yet. I just have a few likes. I guess that is better than nothing.

Just pisses me off that people who obviously don’t understand what mental illness thinks they know what to do with the “problem”. It’s not going away. I’m resistant to treatment but others are not. Why am I still alive while others are dead. I have many risk factors yet I’m alive. I should be fucking dead but I’m not. So why do people pretend to be educated about mental illness yet can’t do anything for them. Feeling pretty hopeless right now. Even if I did see my pdoc she probably would commit me. My therapist would want more sessions. My PCP would just want a promise for me to call him if I got suicidal. How does that keep me alive???? There is no magic drug that I can take to keep me alive. There is no magic talk-therapy. So what am I left with? You might as well give me a loaded gun so I can end this misery. Give me 100 seconals to die with dignity. That is what I want. Pain is up so I am going to stop here. Back is cramping all of a sudden.

venting about mental illness and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental illness, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Spent most of the day today watching my seven year old niece. She was playing on her computer while I was playing on mine. After I finished my games, I decided to read this new book I downloaded for research purposed, why do people have to die by suicide by Thomas Joiner, PhD. It is a good book so far and I find it stimulating. I have been taking notes which I probably will end up writing into a paper that I am working on.

I recently read an article about a mother who’s son has severe mental illness and behavior issues. Three days before the shoot out in CT, this mother had her son committed because he told her he was going to kill himself. The value of the message was to understand serious mental illness though I do not how much more serious mental illness can be. You have something that is mentally unstable. I have a serious mental illness that wants me to claim my life. I hear voices that taunt everything I do but I have never been violent towards another person and god help me, hope I never will. I just want to kill myself because I am a sorry excuse for a human being. I don’t blame my parents or my siblings for the way I turned out. It just happens to be who I am, I may not accept it but it is who I am. I know that some day I will ultimately end my life by my own hand. I know because I think about it every day. But I will NOT take another person’s life other than my own. Do I need to have a lifetime commitment because I am so suicidal? Probably but insurance companies don’t see it that way. As long as you are not in “imminent” danger to harm yourself or others, you cannot be allowed to stay in the hospital for more than a few days time, against your will. I have been there many times and even though I have chronic suicidality, I have never been kept beyond the three days or two weeks because of my suicidality. I might have been kept because the voices were telling me to harm myself, but never because I said I was suicidal after the three days. The mental health system is wrong and should be address these issues I am stating. Because maybe a longer admission is what I need to get better. I have intense psychotherapy with my therapist twice sometimes three times a week and still feel suicidal. I have been on every drug used for psychiatry and yet I still feel suicidal. How am I to live my life when I want to end it so much? How am I supposed to work and go to school when thinking about my death is all that matters to me? No hospital can change it. No psychiatrist can and no psychotherapist can. So the blame then gets shifted on to me. It’s my fault for not “wanting” to get better, that my negative attitude/emotions are what is causing me to be suicidal. If I change my attitude, I will be happier. It’s all bullshit. It’s not my fault being this way anymore than it’s a dying person with cancer fault because they have cancer. And believe me, I would much rather trade places with them because I know they are going to die while this “emotional cancer” is eating me alive and no one can see it. And no one wants to help me either. I can only save myself if I want to. Well, I give up. I don’t want to anymore. What purpose will living my life that I know is only going to end up six feet under. I have thought about cremation but the cost is the same. I thought about buying my own plot somewhere but I really don’t care what my family does with my remains. They are of no use to me anymore. So I am giving myself some time before I do it. And hopefully within this time frame things will change. Because if they don’t I am dead and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.

ramblings 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

Listening to Taylor’s new cd, again, for the millionth time as I am typing this. I did’t do too much today. I went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and then came home. I just took a much needed shower a few minutes ago. It felt good. I don’t feel too wiped out but my left foot is buzzing like a bee.

I’m still feeling depressed though I don’t know why. I was watching an episode of CSI NY and it go me crying. I don’t know why I am so weepy. I tried to keep back the tears but I just couldn’t. I am glad my mother was in the kitchen and not watching with me.

Got to hang out with my niece today as her father was out doing errands. I ordered us some steak tip dinner and we had that. I like it but she just ate more fries than steak. Kids will do that.

I started thinking about a new paper to write but nothing other than one sentence is popping in my head to move it along. I am not much in the writing mood today. I still feel really down. I wish I could shake it off but I just can’t seem to. The question is “do you have to feel misery and suffer to be happy”? I don’t know how to approach answering this.

 

A friend has suggested spirituality to write about. I don’t have any. I lost my faith when I was a teenager and have not gotten it back. I lost my faith because a priest told me that if I went to church every week for a year my life would changed. It changed but not in the way I was expecting. Having my family fall apart and my mother getting beat up almost every night was not what I wanted to happen. I hated myself for believing in something that wasn’t real. Now I am an atheist. I do not believe in god. I believe in a higher power but I don’t think that the two are related. Some would argue that they are but I am sure that they are different.

a tragic day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Today tragedy struck a town in Connecticut. 18 children are dead and another 9 adults are dead. I haven’t been watching the news just seeing the posts on Facebook. And crying with the lot of them. Some of the pictures I have had to “hide” because they are just too shocking for me to see and I cry harder. I know I am crying because it’s sad. But I am not a usual crier. It takes a lot for me to cry. I shouldn’t be crying for these children who won’t be seeing Christmas, their parents that will never see their children again, but I am. I don’t know why. You just don’t think those kind of things happen to a town in Connecticut. You don’t want to believe it because if you do, then no place is safe.

I know I am crying because I am depressed and this tragedy has stirred me up. I haven’t showered in days. Have not brushed my teeth today, though I did yesterday.  I do not know why I am depressed but I am. I would gladly give my life over to get one of those kids back. I don’t know why if there is a god he decided to take all these children home in one day. I guess they were meant for some purpose only he knows about. Least that is what I tell myself. Because I have not watched the news I do not know if the monster is dead or is still on the loose. I don’t really want to know. If he is alive, he should be shot torturously until he is dead. But there is no such thing anymore. I doubt he will be given a life sentence or even death, that is if he makes it in prison. One can only hope that those in the general population will torture him every day. I heard he allegedly killed his parents before killing the innocent children. All I know is that today is a sad day made worse with the deaths of eighteen children who lost their lives for nothing.