Tag: depression

feeling grumpy and hopeless

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grumpy and hopeless

Monday I saw the concussion doc. I am doing better but he still wants me to go to PT. I was supposed to start Friday but this urine infection is giving me bladder pains and cramps. I just don’t want to do nothing. After the appointment I saw my therapist who let me go after 15 mins of being there. I was so uncomfortable with my bladder that sitting was hard. I wasn’t talkative so she just let me leave. I have mixed feelings about it. I then canceled our appointment for tomorrow. I just cancelled all the appointments I had for the rest of the week. I just feel so miserable and depressed. I don’t want to do a goddamn thing. Yesterday was a complete blur. I didn’t sleep Monday night or kept waking up so I think I slept all day. I know I didn’t eat anything except M&Ms peanut candy and Ensure. I think I just left my room to use the bathroom and that was it.

I woke up in miserable mood. The urine culture came back with some bugs in it. Now I am just waiting to see if the doc wants to treat it or not. I am still having bladder pains. I had called yesterday but they said I had to wait till today for the culture to come back. I thought my depression was getting better but now I feel so much worse. Next week when I see the psychopharm I am going to ask her to see if increasing the duloxetine would be good. The nortriptyline isn’t helping my mood as I am on a low dose but it is helping the pain a bit. My neurologist gave me more than a week’s supply of a muscle relaxant. It is working as I am no longer getting spasms in my feet. They would come on while I was in the shower and omg I thought I was going to die just standing there while my feet spazzed out on me.

Right now I don’t have an appointment with my therapist. I responded to her message but haven’t heard anything yet. I got a few appointments next week. I see the behavioral psychologist and then PT. I also see the psychopharm. I feel so blah and overwhelmed with all these appointments.

I am fricken livid at my mother. I was in the bathroom cathing to pee and she just barges in to throw something in the hamper. WTF she couldn’t wait five fucking minutes??? I am so damn mad that she does this to me all the time. I know I need to tell her to stop but it is so hard talking to her because she doesn’t fucking hear what you tell her half the time and need to repeat it several times for her to get it. Then she thinks about what you say and she goes on a different tangent. Drives me fucking nuts. I want to hit the lottery so I can have my own apartment. I will hire a cleaning lady so I don’t have to worry about dust or the bathroom being dirty.

I have been fighting the urge to nap the past two hours. I am just so damn tired. I woke up three times to pee during the night. I try not to drink but the meds make my mouth dry. I got to switch back to Powerade as Gatorade is like drinking water. Soon as I start drinking, I just want more and more and before I realize it, the bottle is gone. Then I have to stay up to wait for it to go to my kidneys so I can empty my bladder for the night. I think nights of sleeping all night are over. There is like this internal 2-3 AM alarm clock that goes off saying I got to pee. It sucks. And once I go downstairs, do my business, then go back to my room, I am awake for a couple of hours.

I don’t plan on doing anything the next few days. I might get my haircut but that will be all. I just have no motivation to do a damn thing. I just want to sleep but the payback is being up all night. I haven’t eaten today and I don’t think I am going to. I haven’t even had an Ensure. I just had a cold brew and a cup of tea. I made the tea perfect. I love when I do that. It is so good. Wind is picking up. I got an alert that an advisory is in effect. Great. Hope it doesn’t keep me up.

Friday Blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday blah

Temps went up to around 50 today. I sweated through my PJs despite having the window and fan on. I was so damn hot. My foot woke me up around 1pm. Bladder did too. I have urine infection so I have to go every couple of hours. I hope the medication works for it and the bladder cramps.

I just had to pick up my meds at the pharmacy today. My mother wanted me to go to the bank but she had my nephew go. She didn’t think I was going to get up. I really didn’t feel like going but it makes me walk around the block so I don’t mind it so much. When I came home, I wanted to create a document for the psychopharm for a kind of safety plan. I found an old journal with the Suicide Status Form but it must have been from the early days of when it was being devised. It only had like five items on it, a question about whether the client can keep themselves safe and their signature. No clinician input at all. I created the document and just added a clinician signature to it so that we can both agree to my safety. I will print them out for my therapist and the psychopharm Sunday night. I had sent my therapist a message about our appointment not being in the web thing calendar and she must have put it in today because it is there.

I have two appointments on Monday. I see the concussion doc and then I see the therapist. I have two hours in between appointments. I am going to be fricken tired. As I was going through Twitter last night, Dolly Parton had her song, I will always love you, in a clip. Made me think of Whitney Houston and I tried in vain to get one of her albums downloaded but fricken the Amazon app wouldn’t cooperate. It was having issues and customer service wasn’t helpful. So I downloaded it on my laptop and will transfer the songs after I listen to them for a bit. She has such a talented voice. I remember when I first heard her song, the Greatest Love of All. My aunt, mother’s sister, had come over and told us what the song means. I took it to heart and became an even bigger fan. I was deeply sad that she ended her life a few years ago. I’ve never been a fan of Bobby Brown and when she died, I blamed him for her death.

This weekend I am going to try and change my sheets. I just need to find a clean set of sheets. I have no idea where I put them. I hope they are in my drawer and not in the pile of clothes I have that is turning into a mountain. I think if I am able to change my sheets tomorrow and have a free day Sunday, I will tackle this mountain. I just need to sort through the clothes to decide where I want to put them. Once I take down this mountain, I will have access to my closet and then those clothes can go in there. That is the plan anyway. Probably won’t happen but we’ll see. I just hope my back can get through some of the dismantling.

Ocean 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, transgender

Ocean

This is a new song by Lady Antebellum called Ocean. It is such a good song. I cannot wait for their new album to be out as I know it is going to be kickass as every single that has come out has been superb. I love this group so much and I am SOO happy they got back together.

I saw the uro. The cath came out. She wanted me to find some new catheters but I didn’t like the selection the nurse brought in so I will stick with what I got. I probably could do with a longer one but as long as this one is doing the job, that is all I care about. After the appointment I was so drained. I went to Whole Foods for some Indian but they didn’t have any. So I just had some Chinese food that they had. The rice was good. I also had some shredded beef that was amazing. It wasn’t part of the Chinese selection but in the Spanish section. I love that they have different varieties of food to choose from. Now I am back on a timer/schedule for my bladder. The uro wanted to know what the neurosurgeon had said and I told her he thinks I might have a tethered spinal cord and I think surgery is going to happen. She said she would redo the urodynamic testing two months later to see if there have been any changes made to stop progression of the bladder problems. I told her that he wanted a family member and she said that seems to indicate he is thinking surgery. I agreed with her. I feel so screwed. I really didn’t want to have surgery next year on my back but seems like it is going to happen.

My mother and baby sister is sick. Hope I don’t get what they got because there are some nasty viruses out there. My middle sister was the first to get sick and I think she spread it. She will deny it though. I got the flu shot so hopefully whatever my sister and mother have, it isn’t that. I know my mother did not get a flu shot.

I think I am recovered from the horrible depression that has plagued me for most of this year. I don’t feel like that black cloud is holding me so tight anymore. I am not saying that it isn’t there. It is. I just don’t feel its presence as strong as I did. I am back to my baseline depression, which I guess is a good thing. I didn’t think I was ever going to feel like this again.

I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I did when I came home and I am 3 pounds less than I was the last time I weighed myself. I had gained like 4 pounds now lost 3. I will check it tomorrow but I don’t think it will be a big difference. I knew I had lost some weight because my PJs were starting to get loose and I have an elastic waistband! I might be a size smaller. I had just bought a bunch of new PJs in size XL. I do not want to buy new ones. They can slide off me, I don’t care. I ate today for the first time in what feels like days. I wasn’t hungry but I just made myself eat something. I still have no appetite. I don’t know if it is because of the depression or meds or what. With the nortriptyline and gabapentin, my appetite should be off the scale but it isn’t.

I love my uro who is always courteous and mindful about me being a FTM. She explained it perfectly to a fellow nurse what my situation was. I am so glad the staff are always nice about it. I really lucked out. One of the trans women I follow on Twitter just posted as this is the decade she is going to be her to her full being. It will be similar for me. I am out and on HRT. I am transitioning. If I have to have back surgery this year I hope I can also have top surgery. My only fear would be spread of CRPS. I don’t know what it will be like or if the surgeon knows about CRPS and removing the breasts. I know that I cannot survive another year with these things on my chest. They are depressing me so much especially as they are getting hairy with the hormones. It is so distressing. Sets off the dysphoria so bad. I hate being in the wrong body.

Boxing day and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Boxing Day 2019 and other stuff

I went out with friends this afternoon. We had dinner and it was a really good time. My niece accidently kicked my bad foot twice and my foot reacted as if she hit it with a baseball bat. I saw stars and continue to see them.

The psychopharm sent me a couple of messages. I responded and said that I can give her a paper and a scale we can use to assess my suicidality. She is open to it. I am not sure how long she will do this for. I told her that my suicidality needs to be assessed from now on at every visit. She said in one of the messages she would be curious on days that I am not so suicidal how it is. My level of suicidality has been waxing and waning. I am just getting stressed out with my mother as she doesn’t like me fucking sleeping during the day. She doesn’t get that I don’t sleep at night no matter how many time I fucking tell her. I had her on block for a while and I think I might do it again as I don’t want to be disturbed with her while I am trying to sleep. She wants me to “open up” to her. I told her that isn’t happening so forget about it. She got mad. I don’t care.

feeling low. I am dehydrated as there is little urine in my bag. I thought I drank enough (bottle and a half of gatorade) but I guess not. The catheter is really bothering me today. I see uro Tues and hope this comes out. The uro wants me to think about a supra pubic catheter. I don’t want to have surgery as I am scared CRPS might spread. I am having horrible bladder pains so I do hope the catheter comes out on Tues. I just can’t deal with it anymore. It is just making me more depressed. Found out my psych diagnosis has changed. I no longer have bipolar disorder. I have recurrent major depression with psychotic features. That fits me better. Though the psychopharm thinks I have persistent depressive disorder (formerly known as dysthymia). Either works for me as I am fucking depressed!!

30 December 2019

I never finished this blog so kept it and decided to just put in today’s date. I start off wanting to say things and then I just lose interest and lose my train of thought. I can’t send my therapist links to my blog anymore because anyone who accesses my record can have access to it and I don’t want that to happen. When I go back to texting her, I will. I don’t know when that will be as she said right now I am “unstable”.

I haven’t really eaten since Boxing Day. I think I just been living off of Ensure. I just have no appetite at all. I had two Ensure today at different times. I really don’t want to leave my room for anything if I don’t have to. I have the larger bag hooked up so I don’t have to empty it often and can sleep without worrying. I see the uro tomorrow and I was worried I wouldn’t as there was a problem with scheduling. They wanted me to come in earlier but I can’t because I have a delivery. I got the times mixed up so I can be there by noon if the delivery is here by 10. I plan on taking a shower when I get up so I can be as clean as possible. I feel dirty but my damn ankle is hurting so much along with me having back spasms that I don’t want to shower right now. I’m not sure if I will be placed on an antibiotic once the catheter comes out just as a preventative. I hope to go back to my “new normal” of cathing a few times a day. I don’t know if I will be able to go on my own yet. Won’t know until the catheter is out but I am thinking not as I have had zero urges. I am going to ask the uro about the bladder pain. If it is from the catheter, fine but if it isn’t, something needs to be done about it.