Tag: hopelessness

one that got away

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

One that got away

I’ve been in a writing mood today. I seem to be writing in the late evening as I have a lot on my mind. The therapist responded to the texts I sent her. She said things are always going to be tough (no shit!) and maybe talk about additional “treatment factors”, whatever those are. I guess I will find out Thursday. She did say that she is open to whatever I bring in so that is good. I am glad she isn’t rigid in what she practices like past therapists. But then the one I saw for 16 years was and then she ended on me. I blame myself for it and the stupid CM went along with it all because I asked her if we should end.

I didn’t do anything today. I wasn’t feeling up to doing anything today. I crossed my room to get something in the hallway and my ankle acted up. There was a ten degree change in temperature so I am guessing that is why it is still hurting me. It got cold so I have a thermal sock on it right now. I missed having them while in the hospital because my feet got cold on more than one occasion and I needed a hot pack to warm it up. There were a few days, around the same time, where I felt like there was cold water on my foot. I kept feeling my foot to see if it was wet but it was dry. Then it would become really cold. It always happened around shift change, which annoyed me because there were no nurses to give you a hot pack. I am not sure staff could but it was just ridiculous!

I charged up the study watch but now I am having trouble with the app. It logged me out when it updated and I can’t seem to sign back in. I put in a message to the tech people but I haven’t heard back from them yet. They gave me a new login password but it still doesn’t work. I don’t know. I will just have to wait. I didn’t tell them about not wearing it the past three weeks.

I was scrolling through Twitter, like I always do, when I came across the nowmattersnow.org tweet about how going to the website reduces suicidal thoughts. I thought I would give it a try. Instead of helping, it made me feel worse because the pain they are talking about, is psychological not physical. I may have intense emotions that are causing me to feel the way I do because of my physical pain but it is a situation thing. One of the videos said that suicidal thoughts were actually an okay thing because it makes sense as it is a relief from the intense emotions. Unfortunately, I gone from suicidal thoughts to actions. I plan on acting on my thoughts when the pain is less or within a few days of having intense physical pain. The pain I am feeling right now is not excruciating enough to think about suicide but it is lingering. Pain just changed because I moved my big toe. Hurts so much that I had to take a breakthrough med. UGH. I cannot be free from high pain, ever. I find this hopeless to think things will get better because with pain, nothing ever gets better.

I am really tired so I will sign off here. I am not sure I will be here the end of the week. All I can focus on right now is right now. I hope that is enough.

hopeless and depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hopeless and depressed

Since last night, I have been in a very down mood. I have been avoided using the word “depressed” to describe it because the people at the hospital told me I was making myself hopeless and depressed. I sent an email to my psych about it and have not heard back. I don’t think I will so it is just making me further believe that I am making myself hopeless and depressed. The chaplin I saw asked me where I picture myself five years from now. I said I don’t. I don’t see a future at all and I guess that pissed her off because the next thing I know, she is telling me I am making myself hopeless. The case manager said I was throwing a pity party for myself. I am just fed up with these so called mental health professionals. I don’t even want to see the therapist on Thursday. I really don’t see the damn point.

I’ve been resting most of the afternoon. Other than the burrito and a half sandwich of asparagus and eggs, I haven’t eaten much. I bought a pair of jeans. I got them a size smaller and they are tight because they aren’t “relaxed”. I am not worried as I know I will lose weight soon enough. And if I don’t, the pants will just go to good will. I am tired of fighting things. I feel so damn depressed right now and I don’t even know why. I wasn’t in a great mood all day but pain has hit and my big toe is swollen again, causing a pin being stuck in it feeling. I tried cleaning out the bed, thinking there was dead skin or lint there and came up empty. I also filed the nail so it is rounded and not straight. It didn’t work as well as I hoped it would. My foot feels like it is going to cramp any second. I would take a melatonin to knock me out but I don’t even think that would help. Pretty soon the ankle will start hurting. I am getting little twinges. I am not sure taking a pain med now would be okay. It might be as by the time it kicks in, it might stop the pain from getting worse. But sometimes that doesn’t work either. I might take some gaba to try and see if that will help.

I want to send a text message to the therapist telling her I am not doing well but I don’t think it would be wise. I am not sure she would respond until tomorrow and I am already sending her 2 scheduled texts about how I want to handle my suicidality. But I don’t know if I want to handle it. Maybe I will try not to keep myself away from me. I thought of sending her my blog “used to” but I don’t think it is necessary. I don’t want her to get a million texts from me all at once.

I know part of me is depressed is because I have had to go back to wearing diapers again. The bladder cramps have been causing leaking. Every time I go to the bathroom, I notice my underwear is wet. I gave in to taking Pyridium as I couldn’t take the pain and cramps anymore. Three days is enough. I sent the uro a message telling her of what I did and that I am hoping correctly that it is just readjusting to the medicine again. If I am wrong, I hope she will tell me. I also hope she doesn’t want a urine sample as the Pyridium can alter tests, making them falsely positive or negative. I just hate that this is an unwanted thing because my bladder is not functioning properly. I still don’t know if it is a worsening of my back issues or the back issues caused it. Kind of like what is going on in my CRPS foot/ankle. I don’t know if the CES made it more susceptible to CRPS or if the spasms caused it when they sprained my ankle. I may never know. But regardless, what is done, is done. I can’t change it. Which just makes me depressed.

Saturday Blog 28-9-19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 28-9-19

Finally had the new pumpkin cream cold brew coffee. It is meh. Tastes a bit watered down with pumpkin cream. I ordered a venti and I doubt I am going to drink all of it. Wish the coffee part was stronger. It is my first coffee since coming home from the hospital. I tried having a cold brew at home but the half and half was spoiled so had curled cream at the top. Gross.

I shaved before leaving the house and when I did, I forgot my headphones because I am using a different bag. I brought my laptop to Starbucks to write and maybe be creative. So far nothing is really coming to me so I might just surf the web and social media.

Last night pain had hit and I was again suicidal, though not to the degree I have been in the last few months. So I started thinking of what to talk about with the therapist. I am going to bring a few things about suicide safety planning as well as the paper I wrote about how she can help me. It is three pages plus the Crisis Response Plan. I also thumbed through the 2nd edition of CAMS and found a new page in the initial form. It is called CAMS stabilization plan. I think I will print off that sheet only and if the therapist is interested in the SSF, I will bring it the next session. I might ask her to meet twice a week but I don’t know if that is doable. If it is, I just want it to be a few weeks as I have just been discharged from the hospital. I sent her a couple of scheduled texts that discuss this and I hope she is open to it. I sent her the link to the Stanley/Brown safety plan site. I hope she can go to it and see what I am talking about. There is no plan that I have found yet that has clinician and client sign in an agreement. If she isn’t open to this, I probably won’t bring up my suicidality to her. I just feel like it wouldn’t be worth it if she isn’t open to my ideas on what could help me. Sure I can do it on my own but that hasn’t been working out. Hell, if I could fix myself I would! This needs to be a collaborative effort. I can’t tolerate any less than that.

I have no idea how the psychopharm is going to take my hospitalization. I am going to tell him I want off the Lamictal. I really don’t think it is helping me. We can get off it and if need be, go back on it should the hypomanic stuff comes back, which I don’t think is likely. It is something to monitor though. I will take the odd day that I feel euphoric though. I just hope he is open to me coming off and not going on another mood stabilizer. I have thought about going on Depakote but I really don’t want to go through the blood draws. That was one of the reasons why Lithium sucked so bad, other than the side effects.

Since last night, I have been having severe bladder cramps. I know it is because I am switching alpha blockers again. I had to take another one while in the hospital because the one that my uro prescribed was not in their formulary. I have had increased leakage and less voiding. I haven’t been drinking regularly either so that doesn’t help the bladder issues. If I am full, I am not getting the sensation. I am just in so much fucking pain. I am tempted to send a message to my uro to see what can be done about it until the medicine is back in my system. I took Ativan while in the hospital to quiet the cramps and I could do that now that I am out. I have free rein on my meds so I can take them as I damn well please rather than have a doctor order for when I need it. I just took my night meds which has an Ativan along with my pain meds. I hope that this helps the cramps and pain. I am so sick of hurting. My ankle pain has just decided to kick itself up. I hope this isn’t a long night of pain like last night. I didn’t go to sleep till almost 3 am. I think I read a chapter of Harry Potter and then went to sleep as I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I am reading the 6th book, the Half-Blood Prince. I like and hate this book because we learn about Horcruxes and sucks because Dumbledore dies. I forget who runs the school in the 7th book, but then, Harry wasn’t attending due to chasing down Horcruxes. The 7th is my favorite even though a lot of characters died. I don’t know how JK Rowling could create these beautiful characters and then kill them off. I am sure it affected her, too. I am not sure I could ever create characters and kill them off just to tell a story. But that is just me.

a lot has happened this week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A lot has happened this week. Tues I had therapy. I thought all that day that it was Monday, even though I knew I didn’t have an appointment that day. Because I didn’t have much of a voice, I had written out what had transpired since the last time I saw her. After she finished reading it, she wondered why she didn’t get notified that I was in the emergency room. I thought that was weird and said so. She said some providers get notified. Ok. Don’t know why a psychotherapist would get notified about an allergic reaction, but what do I know.

I didn’t talk for most of the session as she would ask a question and then I would either shake my head or nod. That only worked for so long. By the end of session, my throat hurt and I don’t think I could speak. We had talked about my being suicidal and she kept on asking me if I was safe. I didn’t know where she was going with this. I have no idea if she was using the “no harm” contract or what. I could have gone in so many directions with this but 1) I had no voice and 2) I am so damn tired of teaching or maybe informing is a better word, a therapist about how to deal a chronic suicidal person. I am still thinking of bringing in the suicide safety plan by Stanley and Brown but I am just not ready to do so, only because in my intense moments, I doubt I will do the stuff that I had agreed to do. I was supposed to call my psych and I don’t remember if I did or not. I know I emailed her and that is all I remember.

Wednesday I had groceries delivered. I put most of them away and then decided to get my haircut as I had to go to the bank for my mother. My barber said he would be unavailable between 2-3 so I went to Starbucks and just wrote in my journal. I don’t think I had anything caffeinated because I had coffee while waiting for my groceries. I might have ordered a tea and that was it. I got my haircut and hour later and then went home. I was tired and my ankle was hurting but then when isn’t it hurting?

Thursday I had an appointment with the new psychopharm. I was really nervous about it. Before the appointment I was almost in tears as I didn’t want to see this guy. I just wanted my psych and the realization that she was gone was causing intense grief. I had emailed my psych so we had a convo a little before the doc got me. I felt a little reassure she was okay with this and that she knew that she would always be my psychiatrist, no matter what. I went to the guy’s office and could only speak a little above a whisper. Some days I feel like my voice is better and other days I can hardly talk. That day was one where I could hardly talk. The doc wanted my psych history and what had lead me to see mental health services. He didn’t have me elaborate on why I was hoarse, why I was disabled, why I was wearing an AFO, nor did he inquire about my past medical history. I gave short answers as I was in a bad mood for most of the day and wasn’t very talkative. I told him I had Bopolar 2 and he gave me a skeptical look as my record said I had bipolar 1 (I have never experienced true mania before in my life). The appointment was supposed to be an hour long. It lasted like twenty minutes, tops. My throat was sore so I knew I wouldn’t be talking to my psych that day.

I felt like the whole conversation could have been done via email or something. He said he was just for meds and all he wanted to do was increase my antipsychotic, even though I told him my psych didn’t want to for fear of side effects. I must have told him no at least three times that I didn’t want an increase. Then he said he will see me in a month and if I needed refills before then or wanted to get in touch with him to do so via the patient web thing. That was it. That was the appointment. I was in a worse mood when I left.

Thursday I had left early because I couldn’t stay still after I woke up. I got to the “new” bus stop and waited. The bus just blew right by me. There were no fricken signs indicating it was a bus stop and the previous bus stop had no signs either. I had to walk uphill to the only stop that I knew had signs, which was a good 300 feet beyond where I was uphill. My legs were killing me from the walking. When I came home from the disaster of an appointment, my ankle flared up. It had been a 7 most of the day (never good when I wake up with a 7) and it immediately went up to a 12 when I was resting. Things just got worse from there. I must have sent three or four emails to my psych over the course of the evening/night. I was extremely suicidal and the sketchy plan I had in my head became more detail and specific. I had picked out a day and dammit I was going to go through with it. I didn’t go to sleep till maybe 3 or 4 am. I wanted to write a blog but just posting the word “suicidal” on facebook triggered a report. Whether someone did or some fricken algorithm, I am not sure. It happened pretty quick so I am thinking it was their stupid algorithm that sent me the “being reported” bullshit. I had become even more despondent over this. I felt shutdown even though I was ready to fucking explode. I couldn’t get my thoughts together to even write in my journal, where I knew it was safe.

I slept till around 2 yesterday and thought all day that it was Saturday. I wasn’t feeling so suicidal but the thoughts of the night before still were shocking to me. I still had the plan in my head. All day yesterday I was overwhelmed with my thoughts and by 4 or 5 I was totally consumed by them. I took an Ativan to try and calm down as my anxiety was so high. I also sent my psych an email asking her to call me whenever she got the chance. I was free the rest of the evening so it didn’t matter what time she called. She called me around 2 hours after the email. I asked her you could become insane by the intensity of being suicidal and she laughed. She said that wasn’t the definition of insanity. I felt reassured. She said she is trying to reach out to the new psychopharm but he hasn’t responded to any of her messages. I am not surprised as he seemed like an asshole. She also wants me to let her know how the laryngology appointment goes. I said I would. She said I should write but I couldn’t last night. I felt like if I spoke my mind, the police would be at my door the next day. I just wrote in a notebook and my journal. She asked what I was doing this weekend and I said I didn’t have plans. I still needed to do stuff around my room. She said to keep in touch. I said I would.

I had gone to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up my meds. My right leg felt so weak. Actually, both legs felt weak. I knew it was because of Thursday’s activities. I wanted to do stuff around my room but I knew if I tried, I would hurt so I didn’t. I didn’t even want to shower though I needed one. I just couldn’t chance another flare. It would have sent me more over the edge than I already was. I just read. A friend texted me so we chatted for a bit until he had to go out with his family for dinner. I was glad we talked for a bit. I tried texting to another friend but she said her phone was dying and would talk later. Yea, 3 am later. JFC seriously? I don’t get why people don’t know their battery is dying when you are talking with someone. Why even bother answering when another time would have been fine. I don’t get it. But texting at 3 am, unless it is an emergency, is not ok. Yes, sometimes I am so it doesn’t matter but usually at that time, I am trying to wind down not have a conversation for an hour or two.

I haven’t done much today but I did finally shave and shower. I didn’t take a chunk of my face off while shaving either so that was good. I haven’t really eaten much but then I am not that hungry. I had bought some buffalo wings with my grocery order and forgot they were in the fridge. I found them while looking for my coffee. Our fridge is full so I basically just put my coffee where ever there was room. I realized today that one of the bottles of coffee I ordered didn’t come. It is too late now to call and say it didn’t. I am bummed about this, but not really. I need to get ice cream so I might get it tomorrow if my nephew isn’t working. I will get that particular coffee then.