Tag: mental illness

in a very depressed mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a very depressed mood

Pain has been with me for most of the day. I tried to nap and then my ankle was like “no, you can’t.” I got tired from my night meds and tried to sleep and the same thing happened. I just took some Neurontin, hoping it knocks out some of the nerve pain that I am feeling. My teeth hurt, the whole top so I am not sure if I should see a dentist or a doctor. It could be sinuses as I have been stuffy the past few weeks due to allergies. I am so frustrated that I am having yet another pain in my body.

As I was lying there pondering if I should just lay in bed or take yet more medication, I started to think about ending my life in a couple of weeks. I have the plan. I have the meds. I just need a solid date to play it all out. I want out of this world. I don’t see the good in it and I don’t feel so great about it.

I was going through my blogs. I do this from time to time. I came across one that was very depressing as I was talking about my transgender issues and how people see me. It’s bothering me more and more. I don’t have the energy to correct people anymore. I just let it go.

Apparently sitting up decreases my pain but I can’t sleep sitting up so I am fucking screwed. I hate being in pain. It’s driving the suicidal buttons to a new level. I emailed my neurologist about a TENS unit to see if that would help. She wrote back this morning and said it could help. There is a 50% chance. I don’t like those odds, especially as the device is expensive. I’ll put it on my back burner though and see how it goes.

I just can’t get out of this pain cycle that I am in. Today is really hot. I am glad I have the AC cranking. I had to put a long sleeved shirt on because I got kind of cold. I am wearing a tank top. I just had my lunch and my mother will be making spaghetti soon. I am getting hungry, even though I just ate. I didn’t eat anything all day as I woke up late. I really want a damn burger so tomorrow after my psych appointment I am going to get some.

I am feeling really depressed, like I can’t cope anymore. Everything is either pissing me off or depressing me. I know it’s the pain. Always the pain. I just can’t get away from it. It’s will me all the time, in one form or another. I was thinking of increasing the Zoloft but why bother. I just had an increase a few months ago. It helped for a while and now I am back to being depressed. Seems I always need a higher dose and then I am maxed out. The meds stop working for me. I should just end my life and be done with it.

I heard another musician died by suicide. I don’t know him as I never heard the group Soundgarden. One of my friends went off about suicide not being the answer, ever. If she only knew of the pain that I deal with on a daily basis. This is worse than a cancer patient’s pain. Least they will have an end. I don’t have an end unless I make one.

My mother jibed at me again today, because I was wearing a long sleeved shirt. It’s 90 degrees or more in the house and she asked if I was cold in her condescending tone. I just walked away. I don’t even think I answered her. I was tired of taking it off when going downstairs. I don’t know why she always has to give me a hard time on the way I dress, like I am a little kid.

I feel like life is unbearable right now. I just am so underground. There is no daylight. My heart is heavy and my ankle is throbbing again. I get no relief whatsoever. Death is all I think about these days. It makes me happy knowing I have a way out of this damned misery. One day I will end my pain. One day. And soon.

academic self aside for today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Academic self aside for today

I thought after I wrote my blog this morning, I would have lunch and then either pass out or read until I did from my meds. I texted a friend and that friend came over with food and snacks to watch the baseball game with me. He kind of annoyed me because instead of watching baseball, he kept talking about things throughout. I kept missing key parts of the game and it was pissing me off. I didn’t care though. I know that is how he is and I was glad for the company. I haven’t seen him in a long while. The Sox won 11-1. It was their first win in over a week. I hope it continues.

I was beat after the game. I wanted to retire to my room but my mother made me wash the dishes we used for the meal we cooked. I kind of had a feeling I couldn’t get away with it. My ankle wasn’t happy but I did the deed. I am feeling really bloated right now because I had a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake until I take my night meds. Before I made the tea, I am not sure if I took my pain meds or not. I don’t want to double dose so I will take it later before I go to sleep. I think that will be safer. I had wanted to work on my paper but I just can’t seem to focus right now. I still haven’t finished the blog project. I just keep getting behind. I feel like if I was in academia, I would be forced to do this stuff because of deadlines and what not. But I am just pushing myself along with these “projects”.

I have a sinus headache and I just want to snooze. I was reading a blog before my friend came over and just finished it a little while ago. It was a clinical blog so I passed it along to my friend who is studying to be a psychologist. I think he might find use for it. The guy that wrote it was on Twitter so I tweeted him it was a good blog and that I passed it along to my friend. He just responded thanks. I love that I am connected with a bunch of professionals at different levels and good or bad, they respond to my tweeting. It makes me feel apart of something big. I guess I am feeling the pressure of producing these projects that I have because of these professionals. They are not forcing me to do anything I don’t want to do. I guess it’s just I want to please them and have them think of me as someone of value. I just want to expand their knowledge through my interpretation of things. I am constantly on the lookout for things related to suicide and therapy. Hell, half my stack of to read pile are books on CT and suicide prevention, suicide malpractice, or ethics regarding suicide in clinical practice.

I need to get into a routine of some sort to do this part of my academic self. It just sucks that pain meds and pain get in the way of doing it. Or my damn depression gets in the way like it has so many times before. If I wasn’t depressed, I would have had my degree already and I might be in grad school now or at least applying to it. Just makes me feel like a loser because I know I am intelligent but I don’t have the degrees to back it up.

my thoughts however disturbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My thoughts however disturbing

I didn’t talk about the politics that has happened yesterday. I don’t think it affected me, yet. I am hoping my state is immune because we have our own way of doing healthcare but I don’t know if the new Trumpcare will force them across the board or what will happen. It still has a few steps to go through before being signed by Cheeto.

But it has me worried none the less. If reproductive contraceptives are affected, I will no longer get my hormones free. I don’t know how much they will cost. A friend that has gone through the gender clinic who has mental problems like I do, was not able to get testosterone because she/he was not stable enough. I worry with my suicidality if the same will be my fate if I am no longer to get the contraception hormones to stop my menses. I will become suicidal again and it won’t be pretty.

I will be stuck and feel trapped. It won’t be a good feeling and because I have a bunch of pre-existing conditions, I don’t know if I will get my medication that I need to keep me alive and somewhat functioning. My blood pressure will go up to stroke like conditions. My migraines will come back and between that and the chronic pain that I have, I doubt I will be able to take the pain in my head as well.

The pain in my ankle has returned. Not with a vengeance but as I climbed out of bed for dinner, the sheet irritated my big toe and by the time I went downstairs, the pain came back. I feel like I should just end my life because what is my life worth to the republican party. They want to weed out people like me that is costing the insurance companies millions in doctors visits and medications every year. Hell, just therapy alone cost me $15,000 in insurance. I just don’t feel worthy to live anyway. I am sure I am not the only mental health person in America that feels this way right now. To some congressmen, transgender people are a “disease”. I am sure they will love for me to be wiped out by suicide.

We’ll see how this plays out before I make plans to end my life. I hope the Senate doesn’t let this bill pass or that the lousy VP doesn’t break a tie because we all know which direction it will go. America will be lost, more so than it already is thanks to Cheeto and his cronies.

what I forgot to mention

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

What I forgot to mention

If you are a frequent reader of my blog, I am sorry for the repetition. I had four back surgeries, total. The first 2 were done in 2001 and 3 and 4 were done in 2006 for the same reason. Cauda Equina Syndrome. Because of this syndrome, my new PCP thinks I have chronic back pain. I sort of do but it’s not an every day type of pain. It’s more that my ankle and foot are the culprit that is causing me disability than my back. And despite telling him this, he is hooked that my ankle/foot pain is stemming from my back, which frustrates the hell out of me because umpteen doctors have proven that it’s my ankle not my back that is the problem.

The PCP’s nurse called me today and asked how my back and ankle were doing. I wanted to hang up on her. I told her it was my ankle and not my back that was the problem. I had to explain to her that I have complex regional pain syndrome in my ankle/foot/toes. And that it was wrecking havoc with my sleep. I keep waking up in the middle of the night in pain. She called me back later this evening to tell me my PCP is thinking about prescribing me xylocaine gel to put on my ankle but hasn’t fully decided on it yet. I should know in a day or two. So I got out my over the counter Aspercreme Lidocaine gel and put that on because my ankle was hurting. Surprisingly, the pain went down 50% in a short amount of time. I don’t know if the strong pain pill that I took also worked at the same time I applied the gel, but whatever. I wasn’t in excruciating pain.

Then at dinner time, my mother was in a “happy” mood. I told her what I did today, about my writing and she said “why don’t I write about happy stuff”. I wanted to say to her because I am not a happy person but I didn’t want an argument. We had this discussion before and it didn’t go well. I felt really depressed after this conversation. Nothing I do pleases my mother. I just want to die. Maybe that will please her.

The damn birds have finally stopped chirping, least for now. I want to hunt them down and wake them up if they are sleeping like they have kept me up all damn day. I hate those fuckers.

I only put the lidocaine stuff on my ankle. So naturally, my foot is throbbing. I just took more pain meds. I might take another strong pain pill in a little while. While I was talking to my PCP’s nurse, I explained to her how I take the Neurontin and the strong pain pill. She wanted to increase the dose of the Neurontin. I explained to her how I take it and she asked if I took it every night. I do for the most part, even though I gain serious weight from it. Once the burning stops, I stop taking it though. I didn’t tell her that.