Tag: mental pain

academic self aside for today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Academic self aside for today

I thought after I wrote my blog this morning, I would have lunch and then either pass out or read until I did from my meds. I texted a friend and that friend came over with food and snacks to watch the baseball game with me. He kind of annoyed me because instead of watching baseball, he kept talking about things throughout. I kept missing key parts of the game and it was pissing me off. I didn’t care though. I know that is how he is and I was glad for the company. I haven’t seen him in a long while. The Sox won 11-1. It was their first win in over a week. I hope it continues.

I was beat after the game. I wanted to retire to my room but my mother made me wash the dishes we used for the meal we cooked. I kind of had a feeling I couldn’t get away with it. My ankle wasn’t happy but I did the deed. I am feeling really bloated right now because I had a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake until I take my night meds. Before I made the tea, I am not sure if I took my pain meds or not. I don’t want to double dose so I will take it later before I go to sleep. I think that will be safer. I had wanted to work on my paper but I just can’t seem to focus right now. I still haven’t finished the blog project. I just keep getting behind. I feel like if I was in academia, I would be forced to do this stuff because of deadlines and what not. But I am just pushing myself along with these “projects”.

I have a sinus headache and I just want to snooze. I was reading a blog before my friend came over and just finished it a little while ago. It was a clinical blog so I passed it along to my friend who is studying to be a psychologist. I think he might find use for it. The guy that wrote it was on Twitter so I tweeted him it was a good blog and that I passed it along to my friend. He just responded thanks. I love that I am connected with a bunch of professionals at different levels and good or bad, they respond to my tweeting. It makes me feel apart of something big. I guess I am feeling the pressure of producing these projects that I have because of these professionals. They are not forcing me to do anything I don’t want to do. I guess it’s just I want to please them and have them think of me as someone of value. I just want to expand their knowledge through my interpretation of things. I am constantly on the lookout for things related to suicide and therapy. Hell, half my stack of to read pile are books on CT and suicide prevention, suicide malpractice, or ethics regarding suicide in clinical practice.

I need to get into a routine of some sort to do this part of my academic self. It just sucks that pain meds and pain get in the way of doing it. Or my damn depression gets in the way like it has so many times before. If I wasn’t depressed, I would have had my degree already and I might be in grad school now or at least applying to it. Just makes me feel like a loser because I know I am intelligent but I don’t have the degrees to back it up.

in a lot of pain with no end in sight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a lot of pain with no end in sight

I woke up around 0630 with my foot hurting. I took some pain meds and then made coffee. I wanted to go to the Museum of Fine Arts today but that isn’t happening. I also wanted to take my jeans with the broken zipper to be fixed but that isn’t happening either. I heard a crash downstairs and when I rushed to check on my mother, pain was all that I felt. I am fucking miserable.

I guess low key activities are in order today. I will be reading the article I want to blog about sometime today provided the two pain pills I took doesn’t leave me higher than a kite. I had to take 2 because the pain is just so severe. I had taken one about half an hour ago and the pain got worse when I went to lie down. I want to nap but it just doesn’t seem that is going to happen. The pain is just throbbing so damn bad. I fucking hate when I wake up with pain because I have no idea if it is going to get worse with me moving around or not. Seems that moving around is not a good thing to do today.

I also plan on reading some more of the Robert Lowell book. I have like 9 chapters left to read so I am getting there. I am half way through Huck Finn and a friend gave me a book about Maya the bee or something like that. That is on my next book to read list. I don’t know when I will read Dostoevsky. I still haven’t finished Brothers Karamazov. I am close to finishing that one but it just drags on and on. If it was a regular book, I could see my progress but it’s on a Kindle so I have no idea how long the chapter is or how much more I need to read. Very frustrating.

I have another headache today. I think the new pillows are hurting me. One already got flat and the other is big and fluffy. I haven’t decided which one I like better. Neither helps my ankle/foot/toes pain. I am just in a bitter mood today. I haven’t had breakfast yet. I’d like to make pancakes but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen either. I had a donut and a fiber one bar with my coffee, but that was like 3 hours ago. Maybe I will wait a little and make hot dogs. Sox game is on at 2. I have no idea who is pitching. I haven’t seen the lineup posted, though I haven’t been on Twitter much today. They lost last night.

It’s a good day today, 64 degrees. I hate that I am cooped up inside because of pain. Maybe if the strong pain pills work and don’t knock me out, I can go and get my jeans fixed later this afternoon. Just sucks that I am in fucking pain. I hate it. It just stresses me out. Starting to feel the effects of my meds. Better go make some hot dogs before I pass out…

my thoughts however disturbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My thoughts however disturbing

I didn’t talk about the politics that has happened yesterday. I don’t think it affected me, yet. I am hoping my state is immune because we have our own way of doing healthcare but I don’t know if the new Trumpcare will force them across the board or what will happen. It still has a few steps to go through before being signed by Cheeto.

But it has me worried none the less. If reproductive contraceptives are affected, I will no longer get my hormones free. I don’t know how much they will cost. A friend that has gone through the gender clinic who has mental problems like I do, was not able to get testosterone because she/he was not stable enough. I worry with my suicidality if the same will be my fate if I am no longer to get the contraception hormones to stop my menses. I will become suicidal again and it won’t be pretty.

I will be stuck and feel trapped. It won’t be a good feeling and because I have a bunch of pre-existing conditions, I don’t know if I will get my medication that I need to keep me alive and somewhat functioning. My blood pressure will go up to stroke like conditions. My migraines will come back and between that and the chronic pain that I have, I doubt I will be able to take the pain in my head as well.

The pain in my ankle has returned. Not with a vengeance but as I climbed out of bed for dinner, the sheet irritated my big toe and by the time I went downstairs, the pain came back. I feel like I should just end my life because what is my life worth to the republican party. They want to weed out people like me that is costing the insurance companies millions in doctors visits and medications every year. Hell, just therapy alone cost me $15,000 in insurance. I just don’t feel worthy to live anyway. I am sure I am not the only mental health person in America that feels this way right now. To some congressmen, transgender people are a “disease”. I am sure they will love for me to be wiped out by suicide.

We’ll see how this plays out before I make plans to end my life. I hope the Senate doesn’t let this bill pass or that the lousy VP doesn’t break a tie because we all know which direction it will go. America will be lost, more so than it already is thanks to Cheeto and his cronies.

pain and suicide and pain and bad thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain and suicide and pain and bad thoughts

I was reaching for my phone charger and moved my ankle. It immediately exploded in pain. I wanted to fucking die, right then and there. It was so intense. I got hot under my blankets and soon as I took my feet out, my pain decreased at least 60%. But my toes started throbbing uncontrollably. I had already maxed out on my pain meds. I can’t take anymore for at least a few hours. I am so fricken tired of dealing with this shit night after night.

I did some research and found the article I wanted for free on the internet. SCORE. I sent it to my psychiatrist and therapist. I hope they find it useful like I do. I will write a review of the article when I read it. It’s a complicated article as they did multiple studies on different things. I don’t know if I will understand it. I just know that I have the gist of what they are talking about and that is Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance. I need to read and find out if a medical condition, such as chronic pain, is excluded from this “diagnosis”. I will write to the main author if I can’t answer this question. I tried tweeting the question to one of the authors but I never got a response.

I got some software off of eBay. It was a good price so I snagged it before it became unavailable. I also logged onto my yahoo account. I had like 700 emails. I knocked it down to 600 or so before I got bored clearing it. I will work on it tomorrow. Most of the emails are from my blog. I just checked it to see if I had any comments that needed moderating. My comments have been few and far in between. I think it’s because my readership has gone down. I have noticed the few regulars haven’t been “liking” my posts lately. Oh well. Maybe they don’t have internet or are busy or something.

I keep having bad thoughts. Music in my head has gone worse. It’s so damn loud that sometimes I just can’t think. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have been listening to Eric Church most of the evening. I finally got the Toby Keith song out of my head but now it’s coming back in a soft hum. I might play my white noise machine so that my room isn’t quiet. Last night was really bad that I thought about taking 8 mg of trilafon. My psychiatrist would not have approved it. But I was really getting desperate to get the noise out of my head.

I keep thinking people will be better off without me in their lives. I can’t shake that feeling. I almost called my psych today because I wanted to go into the hospital but I stopped myself. I didn’t want to spend 14-18 hours in the ER waiting for a bed. I would go insane. And the only reason I am thinking about this is because I am in horrible pain. I took a shower after I wrote my previous blog and my Achilles flared up for no reason. I have one week before I see the specialist for my ankle. The 11th can’t some soon enough. I want the boney growth gone. I don’t care what they have to do to make it go away but I don’t want it anymore. It hurts too much. I can’t have BOTH fricken ankles hurting me. That is just torture. If they don’t do anything for it, I will kill myself. I am not going to be in pain all the damn time with both ankles hurting me. No fucking way. I will go to my suicide spot and be done with it. I just hope I am not “rescued”.