Tag: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

no McDonalds today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No McDonalds today

I had breakfast and made coffee. I went up to my room to read and drink my coffee. I finished the book The Adventures of Maya the Bee. It was a cute little story. After finishing my coffee and the book, I was getting hungry and wondering what to make for lunch. I was thinking of going into town so I could get McDonalds as there is not one in my town that is easy to get to. There is one on the border but getting back home would be a hassle. But those thoughts faded as my pain shot up from a 5 to a 20 in a heartbeat. I was hurting and still am, so bad that the pain brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t move my ankle at all and then it started pulsating. I took the strong pain med because I can’t take the regular med for another couple of hours. I also took an Ativan to calm myself as I am just craze with suicidal ideas right now. I felt like emailing my psych that I would take the bottle of Neurontin and call it a day but knew that would get a phone call. I put on Pearl Jam and tried to distract until the pain meds and Ativan work their magic.

The pain is down to the bone so I doubt lidocaine can reach it. It feels like someone is stabbing me and pulling me apart at the same time. It’s awful. I just want to chop my ankle off. Or die. I just feel really horrible. I want to take a nap but I fear that lying down will increase my pain and set off PTSD.

My neurologist got back to me last night. I am really happy to say that she does think I have CRPS, so it’s no longer a guessing game. She does want me to see the new neurologist that I have an appt with in Oct. See what he thinks. She asked if they were a part of the system and I told her he was. I forgot to ask her to send off a flare gun to my PCP to tell him that I do indeed have CRPS and to stop sending me to every Tom, Dick, and Mary that has an MD. I am tired of seeing doctors. I have no idea what this neuro in Oct is going to say or do. It’s at 0800 so my pain levels will be low, provided I get enough sleep to make the appt.

My mother came home from shopping. She was at my Aunt’s house before she went shopping. Then when she came home, she got into an argument with her on the phone. I had to stop the music I was listening to to see what all the yelling was about, and who was yelling. It was my mother. I called her when she hung up and she was very annoyed. I asked if she was okay and she just said yeah. I left it at that. I really didn’t care what the argument was about, probably something stupid. I just hate when my mother gets aggravated because of her heart condition.

I’m trying to think of ways to soothe myself while my ankle is going off like fireworks but nothing is really working. Pearl Jam is helping to take my mind off the stupid pain. I can’t go on Twitter because the feed is all about the situation with North Korea and the US. Two toddler leaders with nukes is not a very good situation. And the Cheeto keeps saying there is a “leak” in reports when he, himself, is the leaker as he tweets about things he shouldn’t. Dumbass. Wish someone would take his phone or whatever he is using to tweet away from him. WWIII doesn’t need to be started because of an insult.

tiring but good therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tiring but good therapy session

I woke up around 0630 in pain. It felt like someone was squeezing the shit out of my foot, for which purpose, I have no clue. It just hurt really bad. I took my meds and then went back to sleep, hoping I didn’t wake up past 1300. I woke up a few minutes before noon. My jaw was hurting me so I took some ibuprofen. I washed up and told my mother I would be home late as I had therapy. I just said I had an appt. She asked where and that was it.

I left for Starbucks and then I quickly wanted to go back to bed. I just ran out of gas walking to the bus stop. I put on music to try and stay awake. The bus came and I placed my order for Starbucks. They didn’t have my donuts so I ordered a sandwich. I wasn’t sure how my jaw was going to handle it but I did ok, being careful not to chew on that side. I was getting sleepier as time past and I regretted not cancelling my therapy appt. I had emailed my therapist before going to bed last night asking him about his expertise in PTSD matters. I got a response while at Starbucks that “we’ll talk about it during our session”. Fucking give me a damn answer asshole.

I wrote in my journal for a bit and then a friend texted me. We talked until it was time for me to leave to see dipshit. She sometimes annoys me because she doesn’t follow the texts or maybe dissociates and forgets what I said. I don’t know. I just hate when she asks a question to something I already answered. I got to my therapist office and told her I would talk to her later.

So I went in to see my therapist and we discussed the email. The whole session was about my cauda equina syndrome, surgeries, how I was treated, how my ankle was treated (or rather not treated), and the panic attack that lead to the ER visit last week. He wanted me to distract when I am panicky and not think about catastrophizing things in the back of my head. He understands that this is easier said than done. But the jerk didn’t answer the question as to his expertise to PTSD. He just said we just need to talk about it. I was annoyed but I liked his feedback about trying stuff. The hard part is, I already distract and try to calm myself but it doesn’t work 100% of the time.

I left the session feeling like he understood me but is still not willing to help me, now that I have had time to think about it. It’s frustrating the hell out of me. The place that I want to be seen at sent me an email but because it got filtered to my junk, I didn’t get it until now. Great. Another day of email tag. My therapist was very keen on noticing that I like to be in control of my health care and finding the care that I need. I so wanted to say, including with you but kept my mouth shut. My jaw was really hurting when I left from talking almost the entire session. I didn’t have any water with me so I couldn’t take my pain meds. I think I need to go back to the dentist to see if this pain is normal or something else is going on.

As I was walking to the train station, a million things were running through my mind. I wanted to write all of it down but I really wanted to go home and chill. The train was late so took a while to get to the Square. My brother in law called me saying he made a pasta dish. I said I would have some when I got home. He didn’t say it was with chickpeas. They don’t agree with me so I had an Ensure. I wanted the other nutritional drink but it went bad. I need to throw the three cases away. Such a waste. They were on my porch and when we had scorching heat, they must have turned bad. I’m not that hungry anyway because I am in so much pain.

My thoughts about the session are still lingering so I might write more about it later. I am really tired so I am going to take my meds and hopefully have a good sleep. I just hope my ankle doesn’t flip out later. It has been good the past few hours. The weather is cooler than it has been so I think that may be why.

very tired, weepy, depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Very tired, weepy, depressing day

I woke up around 4 in pain. My jaw hurt and my ankle was berserk. I took some more ibuprofen and pain meds. Luckily, I went back to sleep. My alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I thought I had snoozed it but I didn’t. My new phone has a lit up screen with the day and time and any notifications. I glared over and saw it was almost 0930. I had to get up, brush my teeth and wash my face. Then I put on deodorant as it was going to be hot today. I then got dressed and was really feeling frustrated that again I got no help when I seeked it.

I had emailed my PCP last night before bed to tell him I was in the ER. I got a response asking if I wanted to be seen and if I did I should call the office. I didn’t feel like being examined again, so I told them I pass and my pain levels were “normal”, whatever that is. I didn’t get a response back so I hope they go away.

I had my espresso and a steak and egg wrap that I like. Unfortunately, chewing was difficult. And it hurt. I tried to eat on my left side but it was hard. It was the only thing I had to eat all day. I bought a scone but I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. I saved it for tomorrow. Before I knew it, it was time to see my psych. The train was late. I just made it to my appointment. My psych was getting worried as I am always early. I explained the train was late and so therefore I was. We talked about the ER and she read me the notes. She jokingly said I was aggravated because my BP was up. HAHA. I wasn’t lying about that! The notes said I had diminished sensation on my foot in various parts and decreased range of motion. Tell me something I don’t know. She reassured me that I wasn’t having a recurrence of CES. She said it so sternly that it kind of freaked me out and then I became weepy and annoyed. I started to cry a little. I was really depressed and just wanted my pillow. When I said that she asked if I wanted pills. HAHA no, just my pillow will be fine. We have an appointment next week as then she is on vacation for three weeks. She stressed that someone else would be answering her pager while she was away. I told her I would just email her. Unless I was in dire straights, I don’t think I will page her covering doc.

I left and fell asleep on the train so I missed my stop. Sucks because I missed the bus as well so I had to wait an hour for the next one. I just tried to snooze as I listened to Bon Jovi. I was still weepy and felt relieved I didn’t have CES again. I think that is why I was so tearful. But still, if someone looked at me the wrong way, I was bound to cry, that’s how sensitive I was today.

I came home and my mother said I looked exhausted. I told her I was. I told her I didn’t want anything to eat. She made me a plate and then called three times. I told her my jaw was still hurting and I just needed something soft. I opted to drink an Ensure rather than make boiled eggs. I am hungry but I just don’t feel like aggravating my teeth right now.

I did a dumb thing. Last night I put in a refill for my Zoloft. It was an older prescription but I didn’t see the newer one. In my “history” the refill wasn’t there. That was because there were no more refills and I had just had it filled on Monday. I am a dum dum. I put away the meds that I recently got.

I took 2400 mg of Neurontin to try and sleep. Unfortunately, my neighborhood had other plans. There were sounds of hammering and other construction noises. Every time I tried to relax to sleep, some noise woke me up. I was so annoyed. I eventually fell asleep. Now I am feeling groggy and foggy. I took my night time meds plus my pain meds and ibuprofen. I think ibuprofen and I are going to be friends for a while. The dentist was concerned because the novacaine numbed the right side of my nose. He called me this morning to see how I was. I called back when I shuffled around trying to wake up. I told him I was fine, sore but fine. I was kind of nervous though because while I was eating my wrap, I felt like sand was in my mouth. I hope a filling didn’t come out. I was too tired to go back to the office to get checked out. I will be back in two weeks for another filling so I will have him check it then, unless it hurts really bad or something.

I talked to my psych about my therapist and the coordinator for the pain group. I told her I am still looking for another therapist but haven’t had any luck yet. I jokingly said I must be on some kind of blacklist. HAHA. She said no. She did find it odd that no one called me back. I hope to hear from them within a week or so. Otherwise, I will try another place. Until then I will continue to see the nail picker. I am going to try and ask him if he is mocking me or just throwing things out there to show he is listening but not offer any advice to help me. I really don’t feel a connection to him. He is just there for me to ramble but that is not what I want. I want someone that is caring and is willing to help me find new ways in dealing with my problems. I thought that was what therapy was all about, not just rambling on about shit.

I kind of got suicidal when I got home. It was just passing thoughts but I just wished I was dead. I feel nothing inside that makes me feel alive. I am in so much physical pain all the time, it’s just draining the life from me. Like is this how I am supposed to live the rest of my life?? I know suffering is part of life but must it happen on a daily basis? I cried when I was in my room as I thought about this stuff. I couldn’t help it. I hate feeling miserable. I rather feel nothing or depressed. I am just tired of fighting all the time. I don’t get a break from it. It’s going to kill me eventually. I will be another Chester Bennington, but a no name.

ER visit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, PTSD

So I went to the ER tonight because my psych was worried something more was happening when I told her I couldn’t move my toes. It gets like that when I’m in severe pain but it sets off PTSD symptoms. I was having an anxiety attack which is why I called her. Anyway, the ER found nothing wrong with me and didn’t do any tests. I said just send me home so I can take my pain meds. The attending forcibly moved my toes downward causing me excruciating pain. Then told me I could move them. I told her she could move them, not me. Jerk face. She discharged me with me to follow up with my GP  I sent my psych and GP an email telling them the ER did nothing for me as I was “normal”. I am beyond exhausted and in more pain than I was when I walk in. Hope I sleep tonight. The novacaine wore off so now my teeth hurt. Just been a really long day.