Tag: psych hospital

a little bit about psych hospitalizations

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Had a frustrating session with my therapist today. She was all in my business on the transgender issues today for some reason. I don’t know why she brings it up and I just get really mad when she does because I feel like she is really getting into my personal business. I just feel like if I want to talk about it, I WILL bring it up, not her. She feels that I should be in a TG group, which I don’t want to be in. Right now I got so many different things going on in my head, the last thing on my mind is my TG. I am really struggling dealing with chronic pain all the time and wanting to escape from it but knowing there is no escape unless I am sleeping 24/7. Today I had a quick shower, less than fifteen minutes, and I still was in pain from standing that length of time. It sucks. I am supposed to have coffee with a friend of mine today. I am still waiting for his phone call to meet up.

The we talked a little about how yesterday fizzled me. I don’t know but I feel like I am going to explode soon with anger toward her. I know that part of the reason is that I brought up the roots of why I am suicidal, though it still isn’t quite clear. All I remember is that I wanted to die when I was eight years old. By the age of ten I was planning my death on my birthday because I didn’t want to make it to eleven. Greed spoiled that plan because I wanted to see what kind of gifts I got and I wasn’t going to kill myself on Christmas. That would be wrong as God would never have forgiven me (this was what I was thinking at the age of ten). I was depressed from then on but always kept it hidden from everyone. I tried to keep it hidden though some days I just didn’t want to be around anyone. I started moving away from my best friend in middle school. We were at different schools and different grade school levels. I didn’t want to burden him with my thoughts of death. He wanted me to see someone but I knew I wasn’t crazy so why talk to a counselor. I just thought that I would get in huge trouble if I spoke to some one outside of the family. Things that went on in the family, stayed in the family. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone what was going on. And it hurt because I was hurting. I don’t know why. My father was an asshole and still is. He cares more about himself than another person. He is part of the reason I turned out the way I did. My mother didn’t really do anything to stop my father from being abusive. She just let him have the run of the household like wives do. And my sisters dealt with it by turning to their friends. I didn’t have too many friends outside of school until high school. Then there was just this one friend but still I don’t think she knew just how great my suicidality was. We didn’t talk about it. We avoided feelings and just hung out and listened to music or do homework. We were the nerds in school. I didn’t mind it. Schoolwork kept my mind off things. Until everything fell apart during my freshman year. I can’t talk about the details because it will just trigger my PTSD. Even now I am getting anxious about it.

So with all this stuff that my therapist knows, why would my TG (transgender) stuff be at the highlight of my life right now? I know that she thinks that the reason why I planned a date is because if I don’t do something to change me, then I will die. But things have changed now. Yes I could move forward to my transition and be all good with that, but that still isn’t going to change the fact that I have chronic pain every day that isn’t helped with medication. Sometimes the medication does help. Sometimes the cream that my doctor prescribed helps. I didn’t plan or maybe I already knew that things are always going to be the same. I am always going to be in pain in some shape or another. And that is why I feel like I can’t go on anymore. It is my decision. No one has the right to stop me. They can try and prevent it by putting me in the hospital but that is no guarantee that when I get out, I won’t kill myself. More patient die on discharge than anything. And even the hospital knows this. They know that if you are chronically suicidal, they still let you out after a few days in. It’s like they are saying “well, we stopped the immediate threat of you killing yourself but we hope that by keeping you here we took that away. No, you are still suicidal? Well you can go home now”. I have had this happen to me time and time again. No I have not attempted while discharged but it left me feeling like no one cared or maybe they just didn’t believe that suicidality can lasts more than 3-14 days. And you know part of it is dictated by the insurance company that you have. It’s like the insurance company says when you are well and when you are not. Soon as you show some interest in groups and start participating in the hospital program, boom, ready for discharge, even if your life still sucks and you want to die. They don’t have time to deal with you wanting to die. Just want to know if today you are going to kill yourself. Because if you want to kill yourself next week or the day after that is fine. You can do that. And I love when they ask you will you come back if the suicidal feelings return. UM, hello, they never left!!

So in essence, you are better off not going in the hospital. The best course is to stay in outpatient treatment as long as possible. Because either way, you are still going to have the same therapist to deal with when you get out of the hospital unless you quit therapy. Then you truly are on your own.

A remembrance of the past

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I read a blog today that really hit home and made me think. It was about a person that wrote about her experience of attempting suicide eight years ago this month. I also have an attempt anniversary this month, actually in a few days time it will be 21 years ago that I first attempted suicide with diphenhydramine, also known as Benedryl. I remember that it was a month after my then therapist told me she was leaving. I thought fine, so will I. I planned my death on a day I knew my family would not be home and took the pills. What I didn’t account for was puking, violently. If I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I still remember my eyes being dilated for almost a week afterwards. I was pretty mad and I felt like a failure, a huge one. Probably the biggest one on the planet at that point. Here I was, a very intelligent teenager who couldn’t kill himself right. I sunk into the worse depression after that. Actually, I had no idea I could sink worse than what I already felt but I did. I began losing weight, lost my appetite almost completely. I was sixteen years old and all I thought about was death. I was not sleeping. I would wake up at four in the morning nearly every day and couldn’t go back to sleep. I would wake up dreading the world, not wanting to go to my summer job but I had to. I couldn’t show that I was depressed. My mother had already freaked out when she found out I had overdosed thanks to the said therapist who told her after I told her what I had done. I didn’t know what to do. I think after several weeks of this and it just getting worse and worse I called Samaritans and talked with them about my situation. The person told me that I should be in the hospital and I contemplated that. I waited a few more days to see if things would get better and when I couldn’t take anymore, I told my mother I needed help. She took me to the hospital and I got diagnosed as major depression with psychotic features. Up until then, I had dreams of joining the navy. Those dreams died in the hospital emergency room when they told me I was psychotic because the voices in my head wouldn’t shut up. I actually felt free to talk with them for the first time in my life. My mother didn’t like that as it appeared that I was crazy. Well I was…

I got to the hospital and got sent to a local psych ward that was NOT for teens. I then got transferred to a better psych hospital the next day. I would have two more admissions there before I had a break. So my cycle of being in and out of the hospital began. I had three admissions all within a year. I blamed my next therapist for this as if she was doing her job, I wouldn’t be so sick. This is the therapist that I saw after the other one had left. I have seen many therapists in my lifetime, too many in fact. Before I turned twenty-five, I would have eleven therapists. Some therapists only saw me for ten months, others were year and a little over. I never had continuity in my care so I always remained unstable. Surprisingly, the only stable therapeutic relationship I have had was with my psychiatrist, whom I have been with since I was seventeen. I wished so badly at times that I could see her for therapy but she only does medication.

And here I am twenty odd years later and I still want to end my life. How sad is that…

exciting article

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

Just read an interesting article about the Collaborating and Management of Suicidality (CAMS). I can’t believe this theory is 25 years old. It is gaining more acceptance as time goes on as more countries are using it as a treatment modality in suicidal people. It is a clinical intervention that is used as a collaboration between client and therapist in the treatment and care of a suicidal person. I find it one of the best out there and it is the best because it can be used across the disciplines in the mental health field.

I will be writing more about this. I write a lot about Jobes, the creator of CAMS and the SSF (suicide status form). He is the most brilliant person I have ever met. The fact that this is going to electronic way I think will be used across mediums and will be easier to deliver. Most clinicians have gone the electronic way but not all. This makes me want to go back to school and get my degree.

stigma and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Stigma and suicidality
“Among the 10 leading causes of death in the U.S. most are claiming fewer lives each year but sadly suicide is on of the few that continues to rise. Depression and other diseases of the mind that contribute to suicide are real illnesses, not weaknesses. Not character flaws. People battling these illnesses deserve understanding and treatment afforded people with any other llness.” Robert Gabbia AFSP Executive Director.

There is a stigma out there that mental illnesses are not real. That if you just pull your boot straps up you will be ok and not suffer from depression. I have a friend in Canada, a place where the suicide rate is higher than the US because they are still in the dark about treating depression and other mental illnesses. Like Mr. Gabbhia states this is not a character flaw or a weakness. This is real. It takes character and strength to admit there is something wrong and to see help for it. And if you don’t succeed the first time try again until you do.

If I didn’t try and try again, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I probably would have taken my life. I have seen over 10 therapists over the course of my treatment for my mental illness. My current therapist I have been with for the past twelve years and it has been the a huge difference. With the stability of treatment providers I don’t go to the hospital as much and with the value of trust between us, I can state my suicidal feelings without being held against my will in some treatment facility. I am open about how I feel with my therapist but it took a long time to get to where I was. It took about 3-4 years to really trust her and for her to trust me.

I say that it takes trust between us because most therapist are under the believe that all people that have suicidal thoughts should be hospitalized immediately if they cannot be held to safety contracts, which are worthless. Therapist think this is the way to go but it is not. It just takes the legality of it all away from the therapist and really does not put trust in the relationship. Nor does it build an alliance with the therapist because the client is always in fear of being put into the hospital for fear of stating their true feelings. Is that how therapy is supposed to go? Again you have the stigma that if you talk about suicide, you will cause suicide. That is a common myth that everyone still believes is true except for those that actually deal with it. Like me and other suicidologists around the country. Those that deal with suicide are afraid of being sued but there are measures that can be taken so that it is not as frightening as it is. I am not saying that the person with a loaded gun or is in eminent danger and threatening suicide should not be hospitalized and that that gun or other means NOT be taken away. I am saying for those that are chronically suicidal be given a chance that doesn’t include the hospital all the time. In the course of my therapy over the past twelve years I have been hospitalized 4-6 times, compared to twice a year for the previous ten years.

For resources on dealing with suicide:
http://www.suicidology.org the American Association of Suicidology.

Jobes, D. A. (2006). Managing suicidal risk: A collaborative approach. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Michel, K., & Jobes, D. A. (2011). Building a therapeutic alliance with the suicidal patient. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association; US.