Tag: psychache

When suicide becomes the option due to the opioid epidemic

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

When suicide becomes the option due to the opioid epidemic

I have been involved in the suicide prevention things for the past eleven years or so. I have been reading research articles from those in the field. Then I became disabled and my suicidality increased but I have not made any attempts. The reason I say this is because I am now involved in the chronic pain community and found that there have been a lot of suicides since the crack down on opioids really started bearing down on patients and their doctors.

Recently there has been a woman in Montana that ended her life after the DEA went after her doctor. I find this, sadly, preventable. These pain patients have severe pain and need opioids to get relief. Since October, I have been trying to get adequate pain meds to relieve my pain but have been facing nothing but red tape. I have had two psych hospitalizations, which have not been helpful in the least. My psychiatrist is really worried about me. I have a plan to end things in a few months. It is a coping mechanism for me to make these plans. I don’t know if I will go through with it but it’s helpful for me to know there is an end to my suffering.

In the suicide prevention community, specifically a social media twitter group called SPSM (suicide prevention social media) there has been a lot of talk about getting the medical professionals to talk openly about asking about suicide as there has been research stating most suicides happen a within a period of time after seeking a medical professional. I argue that the psych professionals also have to ask the question, which sometimes does not happen for a variety of reasons. What is missing in those with chronic pain, is also lacking the talk of asking about suicide after pain meds have been forcibly cut or stopped all together. This kind of action has lead to multiple suicide that Dr. Kline, a pain physician, has written about.

I really think that if the pain psychologist in these pain clinics ask about it or even the health care professionals do, there might be a chance of saving a life. These patients feel their backs are against a wall and they cannot function without these meds anymore. The epidemic is nothing but hysteria. The CDC lied about their statistics and made it look like prescription opioids were the problem when it was really illicit drugs. Compounding the problem with chronic pain patients not getting the meds they need are the patients that have substance abuse disorder. The stigma surrounding substance abuse is probably as bad as those with suicidal ideation. There are no easy answers as some chronic pain patients has been grouped with the substance use and vice versa. Both need to be treated with meds but stigma and thoughts of not being able to be “strong” enough to stand the withdrawals or handle pain is just not a way of doing it. Unlike alcohol abuse where abstinence helps, substance use need medical assisted treatment with meds such as suboxone. There needs to be no legal punishment for those seeking treatment. More overdoses have happened due to people being released from jail and then using again because their tolerance has been lowered while being away from their substance.

With chronic pain, those that have been stable for years and being taken off abruptly, often turn to suicide because their pain is making their lives miserable. They can no longer do the things they did while on pain meds for their chronic pain. Often these patients feel abandoned by their doctors and some have been and are unable to find another doctor to treat them. Some have to travel far from their homes for care. It is a sad situation. Pain needs to be addressed. It was the 5th vital sign but the crisis has done away with it. So those with deep emotional pain don’t get asked about suicide and those with deep physical pain are neglected and never asked about their suicidal thoughts. Can we bridge this huge gap? Tough question to be answered.

Just when I think…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor

Just when I think I don’t have to kill myself, I can make it, pain proves me wrong. No matter what I do. I can’t hang in any longer.

I still have a date in mind. I don’t know if I have the capability to do it. I’ve failed before, what makes me think I can end my life this time?? If it was that easy, I would be dead by now. I am tired of hurting. My heart hurts too, physically
and emotionally. The pain is so bad it is giving me palpitations and sometimes chest pain due to anxiety. It goes away with Ativan so I know it is not a cardiac issue. Anxiety is such a bitch.

Someone is hammering my lateral malleolus. It has a name. funny thing though is that I have bony things on the medial malleolus which doesn’t hurt. Go figure that out. Maybe it is referred pain. Medical mystery…

Will the crushing pain ever stop?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Will the crushing pain ever stop??

I was up all night, again, due to pain. My foot and ankle were playing a game of this part is going to hurt, then this, then that, and then repeat. ALL FUCKING NIGHT! I did what I could to control it but with pain that changes and is intermittent, it is very hard to control. Eventually the Neurontin knocked me out for a few hours. Then I was a hungry beast. I had a burrito followed by the tuna my mother made with some crackers.

I emailed my psychiatrist during the mayhem and she responded. She wanted to know what changed. I said everything is status quo with no help from the pain doc or my PCP so I am done. I am no longer going to try and get a longer acting pain med. I am going to make every damn effort to make sure that when I do die, there isn’t the financial stress of my death. So again, I played with dates and think sometime in June things will end. I just got to find a place to do it. That is a huge thing. But two months is plenty of time, right?

My foot is just being a fucking bastard today. The bones hurt so bad and feel like they are being crushed. It is a constant pain. I took my strong pain pill and an Ativan to try and take a nap but everyone decided to either call or text me at that time. I should have shut the phone off. My mother is planning on going out to the grocery store so she won’t be home for when my niece if off of school. So why you calling me? Call her mother and tell her. She isn’t going to be home either as she has a doc appt and I will be going with her.

My phone decided it was going to update the OS so wiped out all my preferences. Individual text tones are no longer an option. That sucks. It also got rid of my Star Trek ringtones. I can’t seem to get it back after I somehow disabled the sound. The whole setting option has changed. UGH. Then my music was GONE! But luckily, it was only because it wasn’t recognizing the SD card. I had to remove it then reinstall it. I also updated my now spare phone. I then realized that when I changed my niece’s contact information, the number wasn’t in my phone. I just had to call to get the number. Felt weird having to call my number to get my number, lol.

I missed the ball game today. I kind of saw a few tweets that said we scored two runs to take the lead and I don’t know what happened after that. I would have the Red Sox on mobile notifications but they don’t tell me the score during the game and if they do, they use a stupid box around the number so I have no clue what it translates to. It annoys the fuck out of me.

I just put in my refills for my meds for the month. I have four. It would have been five but I don’t have refills left on one. I will pick it up Tuesday as I know the Invega won’t be in stock until then. I was going to shower today but damn foot is a wreck. No way I am standing for 10 minutes just to aggravate the sucker. I’ll be up all night in pain again. Part of the reason my pain was so bad last night was that the barometric pressure was 30.14. Hi pressure equals a lot of pain. I am hoping to have my grocery order in tomorrow. I want to make morning glory muffins. There is a lot of good stuff in it, coconuts, carrots, apples, raisins. I haven’t had this kind of muffin in a long time. I think the coffee shop at work had them every now and then. They were so good and big. I hope my muffins are big. Usually they are small and look like a cupcake. That will be the adventure this week. I’ll try and make them before Easter so we can have dessert. I think my sister will be making a ham. Not sure what my mother is making. I thought she was going to make Pizzelles but she ended up washing clothes instead. Maybe she doesn’t have enough ingredients or something. I don’t know.

Today’s blog is a pain rant that is nothing but crap

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in the middle of the night again, though I am not really sure why. I think my pain meds wore off and I woke up in pain but I don’t remember. I went back to sleep for a few hours until my med alarm went off. I took my BP med and then used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and then went back to my room, where I almost fell asleep again. Luckily, I was able to shake off the sleepiness off enough to get dressed. My mother wanted me to throw the trash away and take the recycling down. I said I’d take one down and she said trash.

It was sunny out and the bus seemed to take forever. There was a kid that was very talkative to his or her mother. I don’t remember the sex of the child. I got to Starbucks and they didn’t have my favorite sandwich. I had to get one I didn’t like as much. I was feeling weird and didn’t know why. It was probably because I was late with my pain meds. I meant to take them but forgot.

I got to my appt. The new eye doc was okay. She wasn’t as friendly as my old one or as thorough. Even though there was a word I couldn’t make out with the different lenses, she didn’t take the time until I could read it. She said my vision changed a little and then gave me my new prescription. Whatever. I checked out some glasses. There wasn’t anything that really caught my eye. I found out my insurance will cover up to $150, so that was good. I will get my glasses there when my check comes in next.

Came home and my foot was smarting. I took my pain meds. I wasn’t wearing thick socks so my feet were freezing. It’s now several hours since I came home and my CRPS foot is still fricken cold despite wearing thermal socks. The pain has gotten steadily worse. By dinner I was limping again.

Hope tonight is not going to be another long night. I don’t think I can ever make up the sleep I have lost, even if I slept for weeks. I was talking to my friend in South Africa about the lack of pain care I have been receiving because of the stupid “epidemic”. He suggested that I emigrate somewhere that might be able to help me. I don’t know if I could leave the country. I have thought of going to Canada but that is only because of my fear of discrimination over being transgender. Canada is having their own problem with pain meds so I won’t be able to go there. A few of my Canadian friends are not being helped. I wish they would break down the damn overdoses to what they were exactly rather than lump them in a fucking opioid category. If heroin or fentanyl is what killed them, that is what the OD should say. Just pisses me off.