Tag: psychological pain

discouraged and fatigued

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

I have serious mental illness that disrupts my thoughts and shifts my mood to hopelessness and suicidal in an instant. I lose motivation to do things. Just getting out of the house is hard. 2 this condition is flat out driving me insane.

I asked my physio what are the goals of therapy and she laid it out for me and stressed I need to be doing the home exercises to regain what I have lost. It is stressing me out that going to my appts and then having to rest the day after or two is not working. I’m still in pain. She wants me to go to some functional program. But it takes full commitment, 2 or 3 days of being there 8-2pm. I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Some days I can’t get out of bed because I’ve been up all night in pain. Monday’s are worse because I have to walk to my therapist’s office. I just don’t know what to do. I just want to lay around the house and go to Starbucks and write. But pain is limiting me to even do that. I’m not adequately controlled with my pain so how the hell can I do these exercises if I hurt. Just fed up and want to quit everything.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My PT emailed me with goals and wanting me to go to a functional program at a different SRH location. My depression makes doing anything hard. Pain compounds this. I haven’t been doing much with the home exercises because I am exhausted after going to an appt the day before or even going to PT appt. PT is saying I need to commit to the therapy to regain function (haven’t had function in my ankle for 17 yrs mind you) and decrease fatigue in my foot/ankle. I’m starting to feel like a failure but I am not getting adequate pain control and I don’t know if I ever will. Just making breakfast today and taking out the trash hurt me. Making the squash killed me. Going up and down stairs hurts every single day and I do that a lot. Add the PT and it will overflow me. I feel like I am drowning. I am out of the house at least 3 times a week. I just can’t keep up. I move I hurt. I don’t move I hurt. How can I win?

If I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I am just going to end it. Why bother?

Can anyone understand??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can anyone understand?

So flipping fed up. After I made my squash and was putting it away my whole ankle and foot seized up. Told my mother I wasn’t sure how I was going to go upstairs. She says I need to rest until the pain goes away. Frack!! Really? I could rest for days and it will still hurt. Then she says I go up and down the stairs sometimes like it is nothing. No. It still fracking hurts. I still have pain. Then she says not to yell at her, it’s not her fault. JFC. So fucking done. Taking an Ativan. Can’t deal anymore!! No one fricken understands. If resting worked, I should be cured by now.

I watched cat and dog videos after I sent this to my psychiatrist. I am just having a bad pain day. I am so stressed out. I am worried about tomorrow as I will be seeing a new doctor. I have no idea how it will go. I have been trying to stay together just for this appointment. If it goes poorly, I don’t think I can handle it. I feel like there is no understanding anymore. I am skeptical this doc will allow me to get hormones to be the man I know I am. It is just so difficult. I have chronic pain that is driving me insane and the walk I got to take tomorrow to get to the building is a ways from the station. I plan on making a detour so I can get my Starbucks before the appointment. I wish someone was going with me but at the same time I don’t think I could handle company. I have no idea when the bus will come as I usually don’t take it that early in the morning. My appt is at 0830 and I got to be there early as my name has changed since I was there. I have decided not to use Medicare as my insurance, just keep my BCBS. I think it will be easier that way. I am paranoid that if I use Medicare for my transition, I might be on a list of some kind and the government will get me as long as Cheeto is in “charge”.

I made the butternut squash, as I said before. I used too much brown sugar so it is really sweet. I used half a cup. I should have went with a quarter. Oh well. It was still good. My mother is making a stir fry tonight with rice so I will have it as well. I bought a Pyrex loaf pan with a lid so I can make the zucchini bread and have a place to store it. My mother is using both her cake storage containers so I don’t have a place to store the bread once I make it. I will see how I am Saturday, though I plan on changing my sheets then. All depends if this pain settles down some. I can function if it is below a 7. Right now it is close to a 13 and am just crying. I took my pain meds though I didn’t want to. I really don’t think they work for me anymore. I am just dependent on them. Either that or my pain has just been so bad there is nothing to take for it. It is a new pain, not my normal kind of pain, that I have been experiencing.

I emailed Dell to find out if I could get a memory upgrade or if I am stuck with what I have. I think I can upgrade my hard drive but I am not sure. If I can’t use the memory that I bought, I will sell it on Amazon or someplace. I doubt I can return it. Still mad at myself that I bought a cheap laptop to stay cheap. I only need more RAM so I can run Facebook without the memory flag going off. So stupid.

I think I am going to put on some lidocaine. It might not help 100% but it might just bring my pain down to bearable. Fucking 13 is not fun. I seriously am thinking of cutting it off, and probably would if I had the implements to do it.

I forgot to take my morning blood pressure pills when I woke up this morning. I will take the night dose. I have been checking my BP to make sure it doesn’t get high or low and to keep an eye on my pulse.

paranoia and other fun things, not

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Paranoia and other fun things, not

I met with my therapist today and told him that I have been increasingly paranoid the last few days. I am not sure if it started with my email being hacked or not. I just can’t shake the feeling I am being watched by someone/thing. It’s making me feel really uncomfortable. I also have been feeling like my psychiatrist and PCP have been conspiring against me and putting things in my medical record as well as watching me. When I told him, he thought my meds should be tweaked and I should call my psychiatrist. I was scared of calling her, because she is out to get me. I said I would when I got home.

I came home and got a dizzy attack. I think it is probably because I am dehydrated because despite it being cold, I have been sweating. I wore a heavy sweatshirt and when I walk, I just sweat. I was expecting it to snow or rain so wore my winter jacket. I was also roasting in my therapist’s office. It was way too warm. I broke down and called my psychiatrist. I didn’t want to email her because I knew that would feed into my delusion of her feeding my medical records. She called back and we talked. She told me she wasn’t watching me or adding stuff to my medical record. I felt a little better but wasn’t 100% convinced. She didn’t want to do anything med wise but wants me to call her in a few days. I am tempted to take some trilafon but that hasn’t helped with paranoia at all. Helps with my delusion and voices but not the paranoia. I really don’t want to increase the Invega anyways because that will just mean weight gain. I still haven’t been able to lose the weight I gained since starting it. Course I haven’t really tried either. But that is another story.

I haven’t had dinner yet. My mother called me when I got to the station just as a train was pulling in asking when I would be home. I told her I was on my way home and she said dinner was ready. That’s nice. Least I will have food when I am hungry later. I think once the dizzy spell subsides, I might be hungry.

I’m feeling really scared because of this feeling of being watched, even when I am alone in my room. I am tempted to close the window and drapes but then it will get hot in my room. I really hate this feeling and I can’t shake it. Music has been helping as a sort of background noise for me. I don’t know why, but it helps. I guess it just takes my mind off the feeling and I feel something else through the music. I think it’s kind of weird that since this has started, the music stuff that normally plays in my head has stopped or isn’t as loud as it was. My voices have stayed the same, no new ones. I hope that doesn’t change. It’s awful feeling like you are being monitored, even when you are alone. I might close the window and just turn on the ceiling fan. There has been a weird light that shines in my room and then goes off which hasn’t helped my suspicions.

I need to go to the LGBT website to see if there are papers I need filled out before my appointment with their doctor. I can’t believe in less than two weeks, I see him. It felt so far away before but now is becoming a reality. I just hope there isn’t some medical or psych reason to prevent me getting testosterone. I can’t live in the body like it is. It is driving me crazy because I feel like a man and stuff and then I look at my chest and it just crushes me. It hurts so bad inside and makes me just want to crawl under a rock and die. I know I won’t be able to handle any rejection about this. It will kill me. But I am trying not to think about it or it may feed into my paranoia. Last thing I need is to reschedule the appt because of a hospitalization so I hope this passes soon or at least doesn’t get worse.

chronic pain equals chronic exhaustion

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain equals chronic exhaustion

I was up half the night in pain. When my med alarm went off at 0845, I shut it off and then went back to sleep, without taking my meds. Luckily I woke up an hour later and then took them. I was really tired but I wanted to get my hair cut before I saw my psychiatrist. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and check on my mother. I talked to her till it was time to get dressed and leave for the bus stop. I decided to wear the boot, which was not a wise choice as the snow was melting and there were puddles. By the time I got to the barbershop, I had stepped in a puddle and my foot got cold and wet. I had to buy socks to change.

After I got my haircut, I went to Starbucks. I took a selfie of my new haircut and I looked as tired as I felt. I looked awful. I had a new sandwich, chorizo with egg and cheese. It was spicy, much too hot for me so I won’t order it again. I got a soy latte with 5 shots espresso. It gave me the energy I needed to see my psychiatrist so I wasn’t lifeless. She was running late today so I just played on my phone until she came to get me. We talked about a few things. She wanted to know how I was doing on the Zoloft and I told her okay, so far. I didn’t tell her I gained weight, again. We talked about my uncle’s passing. I didn’t cry like I thought I would. She asked about therapy and I told her that I had a credit with him so will see him for a while. He isn’t a bad therapist, I just feel like I should be getting more from him or maybe I am expecting more and because I am not getting it, I get upset. I told her I will be seeing the LGBT doc next month and hope that my medical/psych issues don’t hinder my transition. She said there will be a center at the hospital opening up but she doesn’t know when that will be. I told her to keep me in the loop as I won’t know otherwise. She said she would. I see her again in three weeks.

I went back to the Square to get the bus home. I thought I missed it but I didn’t. I guess they were running late. Score either way. By this time, my ankle bone was starting to erupt in pain. I had wanted to take a pain pill while waiting for the bus but there was no time as the bus was there. My mother wanted Italian bread so I got off at a stop close to the bakery rather than my regular stop. As usual, there was a customer there and the lady and him were chatting up a storm. Annoys me because I had to wait until their conversation was over before she waited on me. I bought the bread and walked home, carefully to avoid puddles as a light rain had started. There was traffic on the street I had to cross to get to my street. I crossed when the light was red. I saw my cousin as I went up the street. He asked if we were still on for Tuesday night. I said yes, unless that changes with the wake and funeral arrangements for my uncle.

I was really hurting by the time I came home. My ankle was hurting me and my foot was cold from the wet sock. I changed and relaxed a little on my bed. I took some pain meds. I was so tired from all the activity, I wanted to pass out. My mother wasn’t home yet from her doctor’s appointment. I figured she wouldn’t be. My sister called me to tell me of the wake and funeral arrangements. I won’t be having dinner with my cousin. I will be going to the wake but not the funeral. I know I won’t be able to fit into my dress clothes for it. He will be cremated. My sisters are going to my aunt’s house tonight. I would have gone but my pain levels are too high. I also wanted to be home to cook for my mother as I know she would be tired from the appt.

Just making that one meal did me in. I am in so much pain right now, it’s not funny. I am also exhausted. I hate it when pain makes you so exhausted you can’t do anything. I know I did a lot today, between getting my haircut and going to my appt. I really can’t wait till my mother is feeling better so she can go back to her activities. It’s draining me to help her out. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow. I know I will probably be too tired anyways. I just hope I sleep tonight before midnight and pain doesn’t keep me up. I am just fed up with dealing with pain every fucking day. I am tired of the exhaustion and fatigue it gives you. I honestly don’t know how the hell I was able to work close to full time with this much pain. I know I have a high pain tolerance but still. Going from 2 jobs to none in four months still gets me.