Tag: psychological pain

Sunday Blog 16082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 16082020

I took a shower and I am tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up to use the bathroom. I wanted to go to the pharmacy but I got too lazy. Sox lost last night. I don’t have high hopes of them winning tonight either. They have no pitching and it is just pitiful.

I did the same thing today that I did yesterday, sleep late and do nothing. I am just so tired. I kept waking up early to use the bathroom and I didn’t really drink that much so I don’t get it. But as long as my kidneys are working that is important.

I feel depressed today. I have been in a down mood since I woke up. I don’t know why. I wrote my psych an email and I didn’t even finish it. I just sent it without closing remarks. I still am nervous about surgery. I will be in two weeks. I have the anesthesia call this week. I still haven’t heard from the lab about Covid testing. I hope to hear from them this week. My therapist is on vacation this week. I am glad. I can use the break. I probably will have another break from her after my surgery.

Back has been acting up with spasms all day. It is driving me crazy. I just took some Zanaflex to try and quiet them down. I have to start taking some Miralax soon as I haven’t had a decent bowel movement in a week. I started taking magnesium supplements tonight to try and help the bowels. I sometimes go when I take mag. I wanted to shave today but my back has been so messed up that I couldn’t stand long enough to. I hope the magnesium helps the spasms, too.

I have Hamilton running through my brain. Yesterday I listened to the musical again. It is becoming a Saturday tradition. I love it and I learn something new each time I hear it. The weather has been cool the past two days. To my surprise, the temps have been in the 60s which is beautiful. I still had to use the AC at times because my room was stuffy. I still need to go to the pharmacy. I hope tomorrow I will be up before 2pm so I can go. I also want to make coffee. I haven’t had it in a few days because I have been sleeping so late. I just don’t want to get out of bed. I got to talk to my cousin to see if he will take me to the grocery store. I need more Gatorade.

Ankle Pain and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Ankle pain and other things

Ankle started acting up around 2000. I just came back from the bathroom. I ignored it a little bit but in the end I had to take something for the pain. I couldn’t concentrate it was so bad. I couldn’t read Twitter and learn of the announcement of the VP choice by Biden. I am so happy for Harris. I really like her. She is tough and I think she will make a good VP if elected. I am so fricken worried with the electoral college going to the buffoon instead of who it needs to go to. I hate the electoral college. It’s archaic and should be done with. The popular vote should count. It is all we need. I hope when Biden is in office the college is dismantled.

Sox are sucking tonight. The Rays have scored every inning so far. Pitching sucks so bad. But then we got rid of all our good pitchers and haven’t replaced them so we are just working with those that haven’t been in the big league level before. We got a pitcher but then he went to the “alternative” site for whatever reason. I don’t understand why that happened. He should have made it to the majors. But I am not the GM. I hope he will get called up soon. We need fresh arms.

It hit 90 by the time I got up at 1400. I slept late because I was up in the middle of the night to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. I did get up around 0930 to take my morning meds. Then I went back to sleep. I got a text from the pharmacy that my meds are ready. I asked my niece to pick it up but she didn’t so will have to go tomorrow. My mother and sister made chicken cacciatore so I had some of that for dinner. It was a bit thick because my sister didn’t put enough water in it but it tasted good. It will be really good tomorrow as leftovers.

Pollen count has been high the past two days so I have been suffering. My nose was so itchy yesterday and I had the sneezes that never end. Today was more of the same. My nose is so sore from wiping it all day. I hope the count is lower tomorrow when I go out. Grass pollen I am allergic to in this area so I much rather avoid it if possible. I go into my kitchen and sneeze when I am in my room away from the pollen. I hate summer so much. I hate the heat and humidity more than anything. I am grateful I have a somewhat working AC. I need a new one that is energy efficient. I want to get a smart one so I can turn it on through my phone when I am out and am coming home so the room is cool. They are expensive though.

I talk with my therapist tomorrow. She is on vacation next week. A friend asked what will I do if I start having a hard time while she is gone. I told her I have hotlines and the emergency room as my only option, which means I am basically on my own. I rarely use the hotlines and won’t now that I know they will call the cops on you if they think you are serious about being suicidal. No thank you. There is one that doesn’t call so I might call that one. I just hate they don’t have a text number. I would have to actually talk on the phone, something I don’t like doing much of. I will get through whatever crisis on my own. I always do.

random thoughts 05082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 05082020

I went to buy some dark chocolate today and was rewarded with Godiva ganache hearts, which is the best of the best dark chocolate. It is so fricken good. I bought two packages. I could have bought all four that were there but I didn’t want to be greedy. I came home and I was exhausted. I made a bacon burger for lunch and then tried to nap but couldn’t sleep. I had coffee before I went to the store and it just made me tired. Tomorrow I might go to Starbucks before therapy and get a macchiato. I am in love with their Caramel Cloud Macchiato. It is so good. I think that will be good for me to go out. I am getting cabin fever staying inside all the time.

I wanted to shave and shower today but I am just too tired. Plus my ankle has been acting up so standing is an issue. I will try to do it tomorrow before therapy. I don’t know if my therapist has decided to meet twice a week because I am off my meds or what. But we have been the past week. If I end up seeing her Monday, I will know she really is concerned about me. I sent her a message that I thought made sense but when I read it, it didn’t make any sense whatsoever. Have no idea when I sent it. I think it was in the early morning hours when I couldn’t sleep the other night. I should have written what I wanted to and be done with it but my brain went a different direction.

Sox are playing now. I don’t care to listen to the game. They are playing at the Trop and I hate that ballpark. Sox are off tomorrow. Two of my favorite players are not playing tonight because they are in slumps. Both are left handed hitters and tonight’s pitcher was a lefty so I understand why they gave them the night off but it sucks because there are only so many games. The sox are not doing well anyways. I think their record is like 4-11. Least it was the last I checked. It has been good baseball has been back but it isn’t the same without fans at the game. The noise level isn’t the same and the energy the fans bring is obviously not there. Kind of sad.

I really like Taylor’s new album. My stupid phone only downloaded 14 of the 16 so I had to manipulate the settings to get the two songs I was missing. Of course one of them would be the number one song in the top 100 hits. I am so happy she made history by being the first artist to be number one on Top 100 Hits and Billboard’s 200. I have a feeling she will be there for a while. This is such a good album.

I hope I sleep tonight. Last night I woke up to pee at like 0330 and couldn’t go back to sleep till 5ish. It did me in as I was tired for most of the day. My level of depression has been high today. Gender dysphoria has been in high gear the past few days. I really hate my body right now and I don’t want to grow facial hair until I get my top surgery done, which is going to take some doing. I feel stuck and I guess I am as I can’t move forward with my transition until I lose weight. I don’t think it is fair that I have to lose weight to lose the things on my chest. It makes me so depressed. I hate being in this body and what is worse is that I have grown hair on my chest so I have hairy breasts. Totally fucks with me. Part of me wonders if I will be alive long enough to have this surgery. Right now I feel like I will be better off dead than continue to live the way that I am living right now.

Sunday’s thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday’s thoughts

I woke up feeling shaky again. I just wanted to sleep today but forced myself to sit up and face the day. It is really hot out and I am retreating to my room for most of the day as it is the only place that is cool. I also forced myself to shower. It was quick and I feel better and am much less stinkier. My brother in law is mowing the grass so I am getting whiffs of it. Smells nice on a day like today. I just hope he doesn’t get burnt like he usually does in hot weather.

My back has been spasming since showering. I just took a Zanaflex to calm it down some. I wonder if part of the shakiness is because I stopped taking the Cymbalta a week ago and the antipsychotic in the same week. Hate that these meds have these side effects on you. You really put up with a lot but I guess it is better than being psychotic at times. Right now I would rather feel psychotic than shaky and have uncontrollable hands/arms.

I did my meds for the week. I nearly forgot last week. I don’t understand how I can forget as I do it nearly the same time every week but I guess there is always a chance of forgetting. I don’t even remember what I was doing last week. I just have time go by and I get lost with it. I have been listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack the past week. It is such a good musical. There are like four songs that I have on repeat. Helpless, Satisfied, Burn, and It’s Quiet Uptown. I love these songs. I think they are the best of the best though I woke up with Washington on your side in my head this morning. I have snippets of songs go through my head and I have to listen to the song to get it out of my head.

I can’t take the shakiness anymore. It is driving me nuts. I don’t know why I am feeling so damn shaky. I feel like I am withdrawing from something. I have taken little doses of Cymbalta thinking it is serotonin related but I get no relief. It is awful. I don’t know what this shakiness is about. I am still sore from all the shaking that happened Friday morning. It was awful that I was up all night with side effects and nothing was working. I was alternating Benadryl and Ativan and still wasn’t getting relief. I should have had relief so I think it is part of the Cymbalta withdrawal. I just hope I will be getting better soon.

Today is my blogging anniversary! Happy 8 years!