Tag: psychotherapist

Sunday Blog 12072020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 12072020

I changed my sheets today and it wiped me out so bad. I am so tired. I need to shower but that isn’t a priority. It still is really humid in the house as temps are in the upper 80s. I haven’t done anything but the sheets. Now I can go to sleep.

I am glad I did this. I have been meaning to do it for weeks and I just cleared off my bed and did it. I hope I can keep my bed clear but I don’t have high hopes for that. I can never seem to keep my bed clear no matter how hard I try. One thing accumulates and then it is cluttered again.

Tomorrow I have PT and therapy back to back. I will need to be in my kitchen for PT and in my room for therapy. The PT wants me to do it in the kitchen so I have the counter to hold on to if I need it. I am not sure what she is going to do now that my symptoms of CSF leak are surfacing. I will find out tomorrow. I wrote down some stuff I want to work on in therapy. That was my homework assignment. I think she will be pleased with it. There is just a few things I want to work on. One is breathing. I need to control my breaths as I breathe too fast at times. I don’t know how to control it. I never tried. But I am willing to learn. The other thing is to try and cut out the thoughts to planning when I get suicidal. I hope that she is willing to work with me on these goals.

I took a quick shower. I didn’t have to sit down more than once. I am doing better than I thought I would. I still feel lightheaded. I think I am probably going to have to go back on steroids. I rather that than some other procedure. I hope the surgeon sees it that way. I really don’t want to go through another MRI.

a bad day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A bad day of pain

I had a bad day of pain today. Ankle has been in a flare the past four days. Nothing was calming it down so I thought putting on a compression sock might help. It caused my high ankle to be bothered by the elastic at the top of the sock. I had to take it off. I could only take so much pain. My back was bothering me from sitting too long after my appointment with my psychopharm. It was good talking with her. I really missed her. She is back from having surgery two weeks ago. She faired better than me in that regard. I don’t think I would be back to work so quick.

We talked about my therapist and she asked if I wanted another therapist. I said I will discuss it with my therapist when I see her next. I don’t want to say yes and then we are able to work things out. I don’t have luck with therapists. They usually last a year with me if I am lucky, two years. More than that is a bonus but not expected. I really like this therapist but I am having trouble talking with her because of my fear of her laughing at me. I often feel intimidated by her and close up. I don’t even shoot the shit with her anymore because she becomes so rigid. It is hard to talk with someone when they have these expectations that you should talk about stuff. I get that is what therapy is about but I am literally not talking at all in sessions. I talk a little bit in the beginning but then I close down and it is so damn hard to open up. I also think because I have yet to attach a song to our work, it is hard for me to feel connected to what I am doing in therapy. Music lyrics always helps connecting me to therapy for some reason. I had quite a few songs with my therapist of 16 years. I would make her CDs to play. I was invested in the time with her. But my current therapist, I don’t feel like she gives a shit if I stay or go and that is hard for me to handle because if she isn’t in there with me, then I feel like I don’t have to say anything. She is noticing that I am not talking more. I can’t help but feel like this relationship is heading out the door. I will be sad to see her go because I know she is a good therapist, maybe she is just too good for me.

I just wrote her a letter. I told her my frustrations and more of what I just talked about. I think better when I am writing things out and I got a lot out in the message. I hate that I can’t talk to her in person. I think that is part of the problem but I don’t think it is going to change. I wish there was a room I could go to to have the conversation rather than for me to stay in my room. I think that is the other thing. I am trapped in my room with no way out so of course it is hard for me to talk. But the other problem is I feel she isn’t receptive to what I am going to say or is going to laugh at me for speaking about something. I am going through a lot medically and I haven’t been able to voice it to anyone but my friend in Canada. She is the only person in the world that gets what I am saying about my bladder and bowels and what have you. She also cares a lot about me and that is the thing with this therapist. I feel like she doesn’t care, like she can do without me and maybe she wants to get rid of me. I don’t know but I had to ask it. I know part of it is my whole nervous system being shocked with surgery on top of a CSF leak that is making me feel so drained that mentally I just am not there. I drift off and stay that way. I get like that while I am in session with my therapist and it is so frustrating because I just cannot think of anything to say. Nothing comes to mind. NOTHING!! It is like someone wiped my brain of all thoughts. My psych thinks it more neurologically than psychological. I am still recovering from surgery even though it has been 3 months but I haven’t really done anything in that time. I haven’t gone to Starbucks or any place else other than the pharmacy and maybe a grocery store. I haven’t gone for walks or even used the T to get around much because I have been feeling like such crap. But resting hasn’t been helpful for me. I do rest when I need it as when I went to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics I took a nap after. I had to I was so wiped out. I just conked right out.

I start PT tomorrow and I am kind of scared. I am scared it is going to hurt and cause me real exhaustion. In my current state, I don’t think a rigid regimen will work for me because I am just too weak. I am not strong enough for something rigorous. It is going to be a slow going and I have a good physical therapist that I like working with. She makes the difference in wanting me to get better. I haven’t seen her since last year when I was working on my right ankle to build it up. I am sure I am weak in my legs for lack of movement. I hope that I can build some strength up so that showering isn’t so damn tough. If I can shower without sitting down more than twice, I will consider that an improvement. I also want to be able to go upstairs without being so damn short of breath and my heart rate going bananas.

therapy and suicide stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and suicide stuff

My therapist shocked me by bringing up some suicide research. I knew what she was talking about though I really wanted the articles she was reading. I did my own research after we talked and think I found some articles that she may have read. I am going to ask her next week what articles she was reading. I am interested to know. She also thought that me thinking of suicide when my pain is great is what is making me depressed. She obviously doesn’t know that suicide planning can be a relief because you have an escape anytime you want. It is important to think about when you are feeling trapped. She wants me to have contact with my support groups and to reach out to NAMI. I am not so sure about NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness). She wants me to be an advocate but advocating isn’t really my thing.

Because I was curious about what article my therapist has read, I did a search for the author I think she may have been reading. I found two articles that I was interested in and may have been what she read. I didn’t realize when I printed it out that one of them was 67 pages long! I was like WTF. It was a long ass article but I hope to read through it sometime today. The other one was a measly 14 pages in comparison. I might start with the smaller article first as it really is what I am interested in.

I didn’t eat too good yesterday. Today I was hungry so made some boiled eggs and toast. It was good. It is really humid today and hot, though not as hot as the weekend was. I emptied my recycles and have been slowly clearing my bed off so I can change the sheets. It is always such a task to do this. Every time I clear it off I vow never to put stuff on the bed yet I break it within a week or two.

I need to shower today but I am not 100% into it because it is humid in the house. I hate it but my nephew is on vacation. I wish he was working so I could just wrap the towel around me and go to my room to get dressed. I need to shave again. Such a hassle sometimes. I have to be in the mood to do it. Otherwise I just use my electric shaver for a decent shave instead of a close one.

I think I am going to go to Walgreens to get a bar of acne soap. I had an acne wash but my fricken niece used it all on me. I hate that she was using my stuff. I have been having oily skin lately and that is always a recipe for more zits.

Saturday Blog 20062020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 20062020

I just woke up about a half hour ago. I finished off the second piece of steak that I made the other night. It was good but I will never buy a marinated steak again. It takes too blah and definitely needed steak sauce to eat it. I enjoyed it none the less. I made iced tea and had it with my meal. It started to get hot in the kitchen so after I finished, I retreated back to my room where it is much cooler. I need to shower today and probably will after I write this blog.

Last night I was journaling and wrote some thoughts about my therapist and how she has been treating me. I feel like she wants me to dump her for some reason. I think that is what she wants. I see her on Monday and will discuss this with her. I feel it is important because she doesn’t want to have contact outside of therapy and that bothers me. I know therapy is the place to talk about stuff but sometimes you need some contact outside of therapy to know you are doing okay or at least to know there is someone who cares. I am feeling like she doesn’t care about me and thus wants me to dump her. I don’t know how real this is and I won’t until I talk to her on Monday. But it was good getting the feelings out on paper.

I need to shave. I think I will do that before I shower. I also need to shave my under arms. It grows like a weed in there. Seems like I shave it and then I have to do it again in a week or so. I hate all this hair that I am having. I broke out with cystic acne on my chest and upper back. Hurts like hell. I don’t know what to do for it. I might have to ask my doctor for something because the OTC stuff isn’t helping this kind of acne. I just hope I don’t have to see a dermatologist to get some relief. It could be a while before I can see someone. I just hope my back doesn’t act up while I am shaving. Lately if I stand more than a few minutes, it cramps up on me and I am unable to do anything until I sit down for a few minutes or sometimes more than a few. I can’t wait till I start PT so I can get the kinks out so I can live my life again without pain in my back. I really hope the PT can help me with this. I know it isn’t going to be an overnight thing but if it helps, it helps.