Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Movie night canceled

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, psychosis

Let’s try this again…
I was supposed to go to the movies tonight but my bad ankle is flaring up so walking is next to impossible. I tried writing this before when my word doc crashed. I think it was because of my new endnote add-in. It’s a bibliography program that is essential for writing research papers.
I picked up my new glasses today and there is something wrong with them. I seem to be seeing out of a mirror on the bifocal part. I need to take them back when I can get my sister’s car. Sucks because they are a little ways from me. I am getting grief for going to a Walmart that is at least twenty miles away from me. But it’s easy to go on the route so I don’t see the problem. I wanted to go there because it is right off the highway and easy to get to. I know there are other places around here but Walmart had the cheapest price for my progressive glasses.

I also have been slowly updating my laptop with updates. So far I am down to 58. I just reformatted the hard drive so that is why I have so many updates. And of course with every update there is a restart. I can’t update them all at once because there is one that is causing problems. I have learned that with Vista you have to install the updates slow and incrementally in order to do it. Takes longer but least it that one that is new won’t crash the whole process. Save you time in the end, I guess.
I still am delusional. I had a text from Volde last night saying to rob people’s houses. I was torn. I knew it was wrong so I just distracted myself until the meds kicked in. It’s been two weeks and I am still crazy, well a week and half. This is not good. I hope that by the time I see my psychiatrist again, this will have passed. I don’t like being this way. And I think the meds are giving me the dyskinesthia again. Nothing like feeling wicked restless in your own skin. It’s a terrible feeling, this gnawing sensation, like every fiber of your being is getting out of control and you just feel so wound up but not hyper-like. It’s like internal agitation x 100. You feel like there is this constant need to move, like restless leg syndrome except it’s every limb and your arms start jerking wildly and then your legs. The only thing that calms it down is another med, which makes you sleepy.

I am so bummed that I can’t go out tonight. I was really looking forward to seeing the movie Lincoln. But if I can barely make it down the stairs, how am I supposed to walk to Boston Common, and they have a ton of stairs at the Boylston stop. It’s an old trolley station that doesn’t have elevators. It would kill me to go up and down the stairs, even with my AFO (Ankle foot orthotic). It’s really depressing to have a walking impairment, which is why I am on disability, but still. I should be able to walk but I can’t. It just hurts too much.

Music is soothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

For the past week I have been delusional and psychotic for some reason. I have not really been stressed over anything in particular but lately I have been becoming paranoid on crowded buses. It has been difficult but I have found that I become calm and more focused if I am listening to music. Doesn’t really matter the artist, just as long as its music I am distracted from feeling paranoid and psychotic. Music tends to drown out the voices in my head. So I have been listening to music more. Also been buying more music from my favorite artists. Terri Clark just came out with a classics album of country music and it is pretty excellent. I am going to burn it to a CD so I can listen to it on my new boom box, that is Spanish. Thing was created in Mexico and actually came with Spanish instructions…no Englese anywhere.

Met with my psychiatrist today and discussed my condition. As usual she had no answers for me, just keep doing what I have been doing and see you in two weeks. I am a difficult case, what you would call a non-responder. I have yet to respond to an anti-depressant that works more than a year. So far the only thing that has prevented me from ending up back in the hospital is a little Cymbalta. Otherwise I think my mood would take a nosedive and I would not recover. Course if thing were the way they were 20 yrs ago, I might still be inpatient from my June admission.

Got to work on my paper today a little bit, though I found out my citation program is VERY old, like 6 versions old…I have to get an updated version that is going to be pricey because I am no longer a student and I can’t wait till summer when I am to write this paper. I figure if I work on it a little at a time I will be able to finish it by Christmas, provided my mood doesn’t suck more than it already does and I can actually walk to Starbucks to get the reading for it done. The other day my bag tripped me and so I think I sprained my good ankle. But it’s not hurting me as much as my damaged one so who knows. I just know that my right ankle is swollen and hurts if I stand on it. It sometimes gets stiff when I wake up but after rolling it around a little it usually takes the pain and stiffness away. I hate being in pain all the time with both ankles now but there is nothing I can do except take meds for pain. CES sucks!

rough day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide

Been having a rough day. CES flair up left me feeling pretty down. I have been avoiding taking a nap so far but I had to take some Ativan so should be sleeping soon. I took it because I was freaked out after hearing a freaky noise in the house. I was the only one that heard it so of course no one believes me. It sounded like a door creaking open but the door was already open so why the noise?
Voices have been ok until I got a tweet from Voldemort. Now I think he is personally sending me messages. I think its pretty funny I think this way even though I know I am losing my mind. I guess months of boredom has finally drove me nuts.
I started taking the abilify again. I really don’t want to end up back in the hospital. I just don’t understand why I become psychotic after a severe bout of depression. I know I have a psychotic features of depression, but this is kind of unusual.
Today my mother pissed me off. She saw my OLD scars and thought they were new. I HATE it when I am accused of doing something when I haven’t and if looks could kill, I would be dead. WTF. Why would I lie? I haven’t cut in years and though I walk around with t-shirts all the time, they are clearly visible. That’s what scars are. Old wounds that are still visible. They don’t go away no matter what you do. But don’t sit there and pretend that you don’t know about it because you know you do. Granted she has never really seen the full extent of it. I am just too stubborn and shameful to show it willingly. I am not proud of them but it served a purpose in my life for a few years.
Ankle is killing me right now. I swear if I am not dealing with one type of pain or the other every single day. It SUCKS. I swear this morning I started with the waking up and wanting to die again. I just can’t take waking up. It pisses me off. I don’t want to live yet I am “forced” to. I hate myself for living every day and being a coward for not taking my life.

delusions

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

Since last night, I have had the delusion that Voldemort, the evil character in Harry Potter, is my new best friend. He has been talking incessantly to me and I feel his gloomy presence everywhere. He hasn’t really “talked” to me but I know he is watching me with his scanty eyes. I told my therapist today about him as I am not sure what to do other than to take my meds. I feel anxious and paranoid but the presence isn’t allowing me to take my meds to calm down. I emailed my doc but still have not heard from her as of yet. If I don’t get a response by tomorrow, I will page her. I just hope she doesn’t want me to go in the hospital. I hate it because it disrupts my routine. Instead of taking my meds when I want, they decide what time I take it. And to get it changed is a big hassle because the orders don’t go in right away. It is annoying. Then you have to deal with groups and shit. I hate dealing with their groups because they mostly deal with stupid DBT (dialectical behavior therapy, or as I like to call it dialectical bullshit therapy).
Reformatted my laptop today and was able to install most of the updates but still cannot install IE9. It is pissing me off that I can’t because the stupid updates won’t give me the service pack that I need. Scratch that. I just checked and I have 126 updates in addition to the 118 I already installed. It’s going to take me all night to do this. Another fricken reason why I hate reformatting. It takes days to get caught up. But I have installed my new Office 2010. It is an upgrade over Office 2007.
Saw my therapist today for the first time in six months. I finally woke up early enough to get my sister’s car and drive out to Framingham, thirty miles away from where I live. I used to go out there all the time but since my car broke down, it is next to impossible to visit the suburbs. Plus, her location is not near any kind of public transportation, even though Framingham does have a commuter rail there is no way I can walk to her office because it’s over a mile away and taking a taxi would be too expensive.
I started a new diet regimen today. A friend posted about Raspberry Ketones and wanted to try it. It is all natural and is supposed to help your metabolism burn fat. From what I read the stuff can make you energetic so I have decided to take just one capsule a day for now to see how it makes me feel. So far I don’t feel so energetic, but then I have been up since 6 A.M. My ankle had been acting up so I took a pain pill. Now I am ready to fall asleep.
It’s weird that this is the second time after a severe bout of depression I became psychotic. I don’t like being crazy but it feel pretty awesome detracting from reality. I am not high or euphoric or anything of the sort. I just have this unrealness that I feel, that everything is not real. And the background noise in my head is always going on. I have to keep playing music because it is the only thing that distracts me from my thoughts. Course the draw back is that I am hearing music all the time even if the radio or my MP3 playing isn’t playing. I kid you not. A song will be stuck in my head and I will have to play it in realness or it will haunt me until I do, or play another song to get it out of my head. There is meaning in the words of these songs and it kind of is disturbing me. But then I am used to it.