Tag: schizoaffective disorder

writing itch and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I wrote half of what I wanted to write today. I am feeling the writing itch come back to me and it’s good to have it back. I got to take advantage of it while it lasts. I did some editing for the book that I writing, which was good for me. I have another five pages or work so I am up to 120 pages today. Got 80 more to go. I want to write something like an introduction or maybe a preface. I am not sure what that will look like yet.

A friend of mine that I met while I was in the hospital texted me last night. I wasn’t in the mood for talking because it was really late and I was ready for bed. I texted her back this afternoon when I woke up. I just finished talking to her. I like talking with her as she understands what things are like. It’s rare to have a friendship like that. She wants to get together for lunch but I am not really up for it because she lives in the boonies of Mass. It will be really difficult to get to where she is because she is so far west of me, further out than my therapist. I don’t have a car so it’s really difficult to try and get together. I am not that crazy about meeting in person. She is nice and all but it’s been years since I last saw her.

I haven’t read anything today other than my writing. I sent the blog I wrote earlier to both my therapist and psychiatrist. It was just something I wanted to share. I hope they like it. I kind of tweaked it a bit for my book. I was able to stretch it a bit and write more on it.

Ankle has flared up some on me today. I don’t know why. I haven’t done anything all weekend to make it angry. But then, there is a storm flicking through the area. The wind is really terrible. I hope it passes without anyone getting hurt. My Sox are losing right now to the Padres. I thought it was going to be an easy win. I guessed wrong. I was listening to the radio until I couldn’t listen anymore. The announcer I can’t stand kept repeating himself and it got annoying. I am now listening to country radio.

I think I am going to make a cup of tea to help me sleep. It worked really well last night, though I had to pee a few times during the night. That part I didn’t like. Sox lost 2-1. Bummer. They will lose standings in the AL East if they keep dropping games.

How Darkness Seeps In

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t go to sleep till around 3 am. I had the itch to write but all that I wrote was “it’s late”. The rest of what I wrote was boring and I am going to toss it. I really wanted to write about the psychosis getting out of hand and switching antipsychotics but all I did was outline my thoughts. I guess it’s a start.

Around this time last year, I was signing and faxing papers for the New York Times as I wrote an article they would be publishing. It was exciting as I never dreamed of writing for the Times. It was an extremely high ego boost. But it didn’t last long as I crashed into a deep depression afterwards that stuck around and is still lurking around. I guess I have been depressed for almost a year now, my longest episode. The psychosis didn’t really affect me until November of last year. That was when the abilify stopped working for me and I just thought things were still going okay.

It wasn’t until my back went out and I got scared I would have to have surgery again that my depression really worsened, causing the psychosis to also worsen. Add in the stress of my father’s ill health and it was a perfect recipe for disaster. I started having the physical symptoms of depression and lost some weight because I wasn’t eating. It’s easy to reflect on this as time has passed but it wasn’t easy while I was going through it. The psychosis really got worse after the Orlando shooting. That is when I stopped taking the abilify because the voices told me to. I was under their command. I just thank my lucky stars that I didn’t call the FBI like I wanted to because I was so delusional. I wanted to let the FBI know that they should look for a parasite in the brain of the deceased gunman because that what was causing him to act the way he did. I truly believed there was aliens planted parasites in ISIS followers that was making them evil and do bad things. I still believe this.

The voices wanted me to take more medication than was necessary for a few weeks. It wasn’t until the paranoia got out of control that I decided to go to trilafon to help with all the craziness that was going on in my head. My therapist was fearful I was going to lose it or take my life. I also started emailing crazy stuff to my psychiatrist which she had to stop because it was not the run of the mill stuff I normally sent her. If I had to “talk” to her, I had to page her. I couldn’t understand but now I sort of do. What I was writing was a little concerning. But it was my new “normal”. It wasn’t until I was at an adequate dose of trilafon that I realized just how crazy I had been.

All throughout this psychotic phase I was going through, I didn’t think it was bad. I still don’t. I had become more distant from my feelings and empty. It was like I felt nothing. I was hollow. These feelings didn’t last long. They were then covered up with depressive feelings and sometimes suicidal stuff.

My chronic pain reached its breaking point. I had my last flare up and I was going to make sure that it was going to be my last. It hasn’t happened yet, but it will. I am tired of living from flare up to flare up and having little to no relief for days. The only way I can get relief is by taking pain medication around the clock, and sometimes I have to take the strong pain meds to break the cycle. I am hindered in my activities and it sucks. Even walking around my own house is troublesome during these flare ups. I can’t make myself something to eat, showering is next to impossible, even brushing my teeth is a chore.

Dealing with mental illness and chronic pain is very difficult. It requires a balance. I am grateful I am not working because I think I would be dead by now. The emotional toll it takes to work, I just don’t have anymore. It was difficult in the beginning to get used to all the free time in the world that I had. Going to Starbucks provided some routine for me but on days when the depression was bad or my pain levels were out of control, even that routine was soon broken. Now I go whenever I can just to get out of the house for an hour or so. It’s rare that I will be out for more than two hours. My anxiety and paranoia get too much and I have to return home.

I spend the majority of my time in my room. I write, read, and follow Twitter and Facebook all from the comfort of my bed. I have to keep my left ankle elevated to keep it happy. It’s not like it won’t flare up because it can and will. I still haven’t figured out what makes it happy and what makes it really angry. I thought walking and standing aggravate it but I can have hours where I am on the bed and the slightest movement can hurt me. It’s so aggravating and frustrating because what causes it to hurt today, won’t cause it to hurt tomorrow. It is very depressing, which only intensifies my suicidal tendencies.

Random 815

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 815

I wanted to watch a movie tonight so I watched “The American President” with Michael Douglas again. I kind of wish HE was running for president rather than the shit bag Trump. Not that I have anything against Hiliary. I just don’t know if she has enough clout to win the election. It’s going to be scary either way because I have a feeling it’s going to be disastrous either way. There is no way to pacify an angry toddler.

I think I jinxed the baseball game today. A no-hitter was going on and at the time I tweeted, the fucking asshole A’s got a cheap hit on a replay review. It made me so angry. Then, somehow they fricken won the game in the 9th inning. That made me angrier. I couldn’t even announce that they lost the game, I was so mad. I still am mad when I think about it.

Dinner was good. My niece made gluten free brownies and they were so awesome. My brother-in-law’s brother bought a watermelon roll and I had two pieces of that. It was like eating slush. I miss having slush. In my hometown, we had the best slush makers. Lemon was my favorite kind. After dessert, I just went upstairs and watched the rest of the ballgame go to shit.

I did get a migraine and I reluctantly took a triptan for it. My eye felt like it was being impaled with an ice pick so I had to take something other than Excedrin. It helped the music, a lot. It’s now at a mutable level. I guess my psychiatrist knew what she was talking about. I see her on Friday. I hope that I have an appointment with my neurologist by then.

After the movie, I got really hot so I turned on the AC to cool down. It’s like 73 degrees in my room. I like my room cold. It helps me sleep better. I know it’s cool out but my room is my comfort zone. I can’t open the window because the AC is in it. I took my meds kind of late. I hope it doesn’t cause me problems. I have been taking my meds early, between 8-830 pm most nights. Tonight I took it around 930. I am kind of sleepy but I feel awake. Plus I have been sneezing so that is not helping me stay sleepy.

While I was at my sister’s, she was listening to country music, much to my surprise. One of my favorite new songs by Florida Georgia Line came on and she surprised the hell out me by singing along with it! I was like what the hell did you do with my sister. When I questioned her, she said she liked the song. HA! Another convert! I do have to get that song, because I love it too. But I am afraid of going on a buying spree. There are many songs on country radio that I really want but will be seriously broke if I buy them all. I already bought enough songs this month to last me until my next paycheck. I still have to get Blake Shelton’s new CD. He is one of my all time favorite artists. I have most of his CDs. Course the songs that are stuck in my head right now besides Kelsea Bellarini’s Peter Pan are the songs from David Nail’s CD Fighter. I have been listening to it non-stop for the last few days. Can’t help it. The music moves me and apparently, my brain waves. It does have me curious to see if I have a brain aneurysm or tumor or something with these weird migraine activities.

I haven’t shaved my facial hair in more than a month now. It’s getting a little out of hand. I just hate shaving. It comes in on its own due to a pituitary problem that I have. Course, once I start on testosterone, things are likely to get more hairy than they are now. I have followed some TG blogs. One blogger in Australia has had both types of surgery. He just had phalloplasty done. I am not sure if that is something I would want. I know I definitely want a double mastectomy. But I doubt my family is ever going to see me as a man. Part of the reason I want to kill myself is because of this. It will happen some day, just not now.

It sucks being atypical

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It sucks being Atypical

I just got off the phone with my psychiatrist. She thinks my musical “hallucinations” are not really psychotic in nature but are migraine in nature and that I should contact my neurologist. So Tuesday I will be calling to set up an appointment with her. I just hope they have fixed their phone lines because the last time I tried calling, I kept on getting a busy signal, no matter what time I called. I am sort of relieved that I am not as psychotic as I feel. The music is still playing in my head. A Reba song just started playing and I haven’t heard that song in months. It plays from beginning to end and then will start over again.

I am feeling anxious about all this. Hopefully there is something that can be done about it. My psych was hesitant to suggest any meds because I am already on a slew of them and some of them interact with what I am taking. I have a slight headache so I took some Excedrin. It usually works for my migraines/headaches. I am reluctant to take the triptans for my headache because of the interaction with the Zoloft.

My sister is having a dinner party. She is making lasagna and eggplant parm. I am not a fan of either of those foods, but I may have some lasagna. The funny thing is, she didn’t “invite” me, my mother did. I find this funny, but it’s typical. They just expect me to show up without asking me first. Course, it’s not like I am doing anything else today.

I realized yesterday that other than the book that I read on Thursday, I really haven’t been doing any reading the past few days. Summer is almost over and I am still not finished with Dostoevsky. I think the last time I read his book was last weekend. I really need to get cracking if I want to finish this book sometime in the near future.

Baseball is going on right now. There has been no score through six innings. It hasn’t been a pitcher’s duel as the Sox has been getting hits. Unfortunately, they just haven’t been able to score. Very frustrating as all weekend we have been kicking the A’s butt. As there is not a late game tonight, maybe I can go to bed at a decent hour. I kind of woke up late and have been really tired, even though I had my coffee. I feel like I could take a nap but that is bad at this hour. I might watch a movie. I bought “The Outsiders” and still haven’t so much as taken the wrapper off it. Only reason I haven’t watch it is because it’s a sad ending. It’s one of my favorite books and movies. Because of this headache, I don’t think I can read. I just hope it doesn’t progress to a full migraine. I might make a cup of tea. I haven’t had one in a long time. It might be just enough caffeine to stave off this stupid headache.