Tag: suicidality

Sore As Hell

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Sore as all hell

I woke up around 0630 this morning. I was still in pain so I took my meds and then played my game until I passed out again. I only slept for about two hours. When I got up, both my legs were sore from yesterday’s excursion. My calves feel so damn sore it is not funny and they are both tight. Stretching them just causes me pain. I have been do it little by little all day to try and get them to loosen up to no avail. I wish I had a bathtub. I think the hot water would help my legs so much. But I don’t. My ankle and foot are still swollen, though not as much as last night. They still hurt more than my calves. I am glad I decided not to go anywhere today. Only thing I planned on doing was calling a junk towing place to get my junk car but I didn’t even do that so FAIL.

Last night, I was going through my twitter feed and one of the anti-suicide organizations had a tweet that really pissed me off. The tweet said “suicide should never be an option”. BULLSHIT. You mean to tell me someone dying from the indignity of say Parkinson’s disease shouldn’t have the right to end their life when the time came? BULLSHIT. Or if they were dying from terminal cancer? Or ALS? I can go on, but I think you have my point. Sure, someone with depression *may* not have that as an option but in all humanity, it should remain as an option. I don’t want to live in a world where it isn’t. I know there is a 100% chance of me developing Alzheimer’s disease. I have the genes from BOTH sides of my family. If I become too much of a burden on my nieces and nephew, I want the option to kill myself. Or I will move to a state where assisted suicide is allowed by law. Course, that is if I don’t take my life before then.

I have many reasons for contemplating suicide. I live in chronic physical pain every day. I know suicide will be the cause of my death one day. I can’t picture myself living to “old” age, whatever that is now a days. I am 38 yet I feel like I am 90. I ache something fierce every single day. And if it is not one thing, it’s another.

Another thing that pisses me off about the anti-suicide campaigns is that they want zero (0) suicides. Again, they are living in a dream world. Sure, we can hope that the rate decreases, I am all for that, but to have zero suicide? That is just unrealistic to me. There is always going to be someone that ends up dying by suicide some where in the world. It’s just the way humans are.

I just don’t know anymore

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, physical pain, suicidality

I just don’t know anymore

I have been in pain for more than 24 hrs now so if this is a little squirrely, that is why. I just cannot take the pain anymore. It is driving me absolutely insane. I spent the last hour or so writing in my journal things that shouldn’t be mentioned in the blog (stuff my therapist wanted me to write). I felt so ashamed afterwards. I was stuck with images in my head of the events that happened to me. I just want to be dead again. I know it has been at least a month since I last felt this way. Certainly was around the time of Robin Williams’s death. I felt like it was my turn. Well, dammit, why the hell not? I am so sick of being in pain.

I have tried to control my pain but my meds seem to be ineffective. I think I might have to take the stronger meds to break the cycle. But I don’t want to because the last time I took that drug, Jekyll appeared. I am wicked tired and all I want to do is sleep and I know that if I take this drug, chances are that Jekyll will come out. And god only knows what he will write. I find it odd that I have two “alters” and they are both male.

I didn’t take a shower today. I got a migraine and then things kind of went downhill after that. My pain worsened to what it is now. It is throbbing like a SOB and stabbing at the same time. It hurts right at the joint where my foot and ankle bone meet. That area is the most painful right now. I just want relief. I have contemplated taking the handful of pain pills that I have left. It will really suck if I take them because then I will have NOTHING. I know I am going to run out of my meds before the 28th of this month. My doc is supposed to write a 28 day supply but he wrote it for 30 days. Big help, not! I don’t know why I told him I needed less pills. But then, things were going well and I wasn’t in pain as much. The past few months have been awful and I keep meaning to tell him I need more pills because it just isn’t enough but I keep forgetting. Plus I am scared that he will say no. I doubt it, but you never know. I bet if my pain were under control, my blood pressure would be too.

I keep fighting sleep. I know that if I go to bed now, chances are good that I will wake up around midnight or 1 or 2 in the morning. I took my meds so I don’t have to get up again but I might have to go to the bathroom. I drank a lot of water at dinner because I am dehydrated. I didn’t eat too much, just had breaded cauliflower for dinner. I wasn’t that hungry. Which is good because I feel bloated.

My mother just struggled to get up the stairs. Her life would be so much better if she would take something consistently for her pain. But nope. Won’t even take a damn aspirin. Pisses me off because she always complains she is in pain. I refuse to give her sympathy because I know there are meds out there she can take but she won’t so there.

I have the ceiling fan on despite it being cool outside. I have been having hot flashes for most of the day. It is only about 70 degrees in my room so I don’t know why I have to put the fan on but I am hot and I hate being hot. I think it is because of the damn pain I am in. 24 hours. I didn’t even do too much yesterday so I don’t know why I am in so much damn pain. But I guess walking is my downfall. And my sister thinks I will be able to walk a dog. Please. I can barely get to where I need to go without hurting myself and you want me to take care of an animal?? NO. Not happening. Get a cat. I will clean the litter box twice a day. That I can do!

I don’t know why I am in so much damn pain. It’s not like I did anything today. I didn’t go up and down the stairs too much, but maybe I did. I never know what is minimal and what is a lot. My body doesn’t bother to tell me until it has surpassed its limit and then tells me the next day or later that night when I want to fucking sleep. It is terrible. Normal ankle movement should not bring you such pain!!!

The only thing keeping me sane right now is listening to music. I need that muse in my head because without it, I think I might do something drastic.

missed meds

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

here is a blog that i think all of us can relate to:

http://www.mentalparent.com/mental-illness/missed-meds#.VBigf44pDFp

cup of coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Cup of coffee

I was up for at least 20 hours yesterday. Pain was the chief factor in keeping me up. Other than the ghosts in my head. Talking about stuff stirred things up. My goofy therapist thinks that I should write about it but there is really nothing to write about. What happened, happened and writing about it is not going to change the facts of the matter. I don’t think I will ever get closure to what I am feeling but oh well. Such is life.

I made breakfast this morning, pancakes. I didn’t think it was going to exhaust me but it did. It also flared up my sciatica. The temp is dropping so of course my back is acting up. But I really wanted a cup of coffee but I couldn’t make it. I was in too much pain. I waited till after therapy to make it. I used my last K-cup of Starbucks coffee. I just hope I will have at least 10 extra bucks next week to get another pack. Coffee is very good made on the Kuerig, though it is stronger than the coffee at Starbucks. It just is brewed that way.

Been listening to Pandora more than my MP3 player. The nice part of listening to Pandora is you don’t have to buy the songs you are hearing, unless you want it really bad. But it’s a nice alternative to my 200 songs that I have been hearing since last year. Those songs are about 15 hours of play time, though the shuffle doesn’t work right. And today the player just stopped working so I decided to listen to Pandora instead of turning the app back on. It is so aggravating that it will stop playing in the middle of a song.

I am not planning on going anywhere today. I am feeling really down since my therapy appointment. I need to shower and I really don’t feel like it. Thursday when I have my appointment with my father, I have decided to wear a diaper and I am not looking forward to it. The only bright side of it is that I will be dry. Thing is, I showered yesterday so I don’t feel like I should shower today. It is going to take every ounce of my being to do this task. I just am not looking forward to it. And I know it will suck all the energy from me. I really don’t remember the last time I took a shower that woke me up rather than tired me out. Obviously before I was in chronic pain. I could just cry right now for some odd reason. I just am so tired of being tired and in pain all the fricken time. But the coffee I had did its job and I feel a little more awake than I was before.

My psychiatrist has nicknamed the new part, Jekyll. I think it came out while I was in therapy today. I almost blurted out “I hate you” while I was on the phone with my therapist. It just came out of no where. I just got really angry but I didn’t show my anger. I kind of stepped back and talked really low. It was weird. Last night I finished reading the book of Jekyll and Hyde. It was very strange but enlightening. I loved the author’s use of language. It was a very good book. I don’t know that it has anything to do with dissociation, but the fact that evil could exist between one man and two parts is incredible. Hyde is like my evil part. He holds the suicidality that I hold close to my chest. Jekyll is the part I am clueless about. Though the part in the book is that Jekyll is benevolent and charitable, my part is angry, far from being kind. He holds hatred and disdain.

I do wonder if this part is what has been stirring up the memories I have been experiencing. It just is making feel really uneasy and I don’t want to deal with them. I rather they just stay where ever they were before I remembered them. They are not flashbacks, thank goodness. But the images I am seeing might as well be intrusive thoughts and I don’t like what I am seeing. And all of this started because I drank a cup of coffee that woke up my consciousness instead just taking a nap.