Tag: suicide ideation

ugh another psych admit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ugh another psych admit

Met with my psych this morning. I should have known it wasn’t going to be a good day when the 747 bus never showed up but my cousin did to give me a ride to the Square. I gave her some sauce and a piece of my cranberry cake. Then she said she wanted me to go in the hospital. From her tone, there was no arguing with her. She didn’t like that I picked a date, again, or the dire emails I sent when my pain caused me to be suicidal, more than usual. I’m just grateful she let me go to my therapist’s office later this afternoon. I told her I wanted his input.

I came home waited for my new laptop screen to be delivered. I was expecting it around 1230. It didn’t come till after 1300, which left little time for a nap. I wasn’t in that much pain but knew I would need some when it got closer to my therapist’s time. Unfortunately, I didn’t bring my bag of all things, which contained a water bottle so I didn’t take my pain meds. I still felt good so thought I would be okay.

I talked with my therapist about what my psych had said. He didn’t see the point in going in except maybe learning a few things, if I went to the unit my psych wants me at. I thought about this as I left his office. I got to the corner of where his block was and the top of my foot felt like it was being smashed with a brick. Fuck! I had no water to take my one pain pill I had. I carefully walked to the station. Went down the stairs and the train was coming, a full one. Nope not standing three stops. I sat down and waited for the next one, which wasn’t too long. It was less crowded and I got a seat. By the time I got to the Square for the bus home, I wanted to cry. The pain intensified. I could have killed myself right then and there. I missed the bus by mere fractions and sat for the next one. I thought I was going to bawl as the bus was in traffic on the ride home. I was hurting so bad and I needed to get my meds at Walgreens. I honestly have no clue how I got home.

I wanted to tell my youngest sister I would be going in the hosp tomorrow but she was surrounded by her family and my middle sister and I didn’t want to bring it up. My brother in law is anti-mental health issues of any kind. I’ll text her later with it.

I did tell my mother, which is a huge step for me as I usually just leave her notes the morning of. We were talking when my psych called me. HAHA she is worried about. She asked how I was and I said not so great as it has been a long day. I then explained that I wanted to go to the unit she recommended and if I end up at the hospital I was in a few months ago, I will sign a 3 day (basically it’s a form forcing the hospital a 72 hour notice to decide if I need to stay (court will be involved), can go home, or will leave against medical advice). If I do go to the hospital and get assigned a different treatment team other than Bonnie and Clyde, I will stay as they may be helpful. There is one doc there I really like working with and he is sincere in trying to help anyway he can, unlike the Bonnie and Clyde couple. Bonnie and Clyde are assholes who after learning I wanted to leave the hospital to kill myself, then asked when I wanted to be discharged. Fuck you too! It was a complete waste of time and I won’t go back to their “treatment”. Plus those assholes put in my medical record that I have gender dysphoria so now all my medical records in this healthcare system know, whereas only my psych knew before. I am still steamed about this but once something is in the records, it cannot be removed without serious documentation and possibly a lawyer. Not worth it. I did bring it up to my psych, who was not happy to learn my PCP read her notes. He is okay with me being trans so I just hope it doesn’t make me a target of any discrimination, now or in the future. I told my therapist today that he will not be getting any releases from my long term disability folks. They do not need to know anything about what I talk to him about. Course they could just read my blog, which would be all they needed to either have me continue with their shit or not. I feel like their stuff is heavier than social security!! Once I get my newer laptop running again (crosses fingers and eyes), I plan on going to the website to see what exactly I am disabled. I am kind of in the dark as to whether or not it’s physical or psych or both. With my long term disability, it’s physical and depression, though how they determined that without my therapist’s notes, I have no clue. Must have gotten them from my psych, but even she didn’t get anything, so who knows. As long as they continue to pay me (the small amount) I am happy.

So tomorrow morning, I will be catching the first bus to the Square to go to the ER, where I hope I’ll be placed in the unit my psych wants me to go to. I am not feeling hopeful about it as we have tried to get on this unit many times and failed. I am very tired. I will be taking my night meds shortly and hopefully go to bed within an hour, if not sooner. I just hope my stupid foot pain doesn’t keep me up all night. I also hope I have access to my phone on this unit or I will not like it. I won’t be able to use the app for my PT. I can’t say that it’s been helping because my scores have been terrible when I am in high pain. Maybe that is a good thing. It will be nice to see if the scores change over time. I told my psych that PT is going to be a long process that won’t happen overnight. Unfortunately, I just don’t have the patience or the hopefulness to stick with it as my depression is so severe. Even my therapist said today I don’t look too hopeful that the hospitalization or anything will help. He is right. I have been let down so many times but usually just the change of environment has helped a little, even if the staff hasn’t been. Sometimes a hospitalization will help me see things differently but that was when I was dealing with mental demons, not pain demons. It is so unpredictable and that is what wears me out. As I was telling my mother tonight, there is no reason for my ankle to hurt doing “normal” movements that it should do. Physically there is nothing wrong with the bones, that I know of. I am still waiting to hear back about the bone scan. The tendons might be inflamed but after all the rest that I have given it the last 5 years, it should have been calmed down by now. If this is truly a nerve injury, I am screwed as there is no treatment and if anything, it should have shown some improvement by now if there was going to be any. The fact that the pain has gotten worse doesn’t help me feel too hopeful about the future. Hence why I get so suicidal in a flare up.

Release

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Release
Song by Pearl Jam:
I see the world
Feel the chill
Which way to go
Windowsill
I see the words
On a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll ride the wave
Where it takes me
I’ll hold the pain
Release me

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll wait up in the dark
For you to speak to me
I’ll open up
Release me
Release me
Release me
Release me

I love this song and I am glad it came on my Pandora playlist I created called, Pearl Jam. I am in a shitty mood. I have been thinking about a story that has been brewing in my head the last few months but have yet to put it into words or write it out. I just haven’t had the motivation.

Tonight, I am in a lot of pain. I had taken my foot out of the covers because I had burning pain. After a few minutes, it calmed down. After a few more minutes, I got the worst pain down my foot. I put it back under the covers and it didn’t calm down. I still feel this pain. Most of my pain tonight is in my foot. The ankle seems to have settled down some.

I’m feeling very despondent, like nothing matters. I want to go to sleep but I got a lot on my mind because I want the pain in my foot to stop but it shows no sign of stopping. And even though it has been hours since I ate, I feel bloated. Seems like my meds make me feel this way. I swear it is like eating another meal when I take so many meds at night.

I was thinking of writing a blog called “should I die” or “if I would die” but I lost my train of thought and never wrote it. This is the third night in a row that my suicidality is high around the same time of night. I don’t know why this is. Psychache is also high and when mixed with physical pain, it is a bad combination. All my thoughts are about death and dying.

I told the social security person while I was filling out the paperwork for name change that I was trans as it asked what sex I was. Apparently, without a doctor’s note, I had to put what I biologically am. I am saddened by this. Just another kick me while I’m down. I wonder if I’ll ever be truly male. Right now I’m in so much pain I really don’t think it matters. I don’t matter. Nothing matters. Heart hurts and there is no pill for that kind of pain.

spoonie day completed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Spoonie day completed

I woke up in typical fashion after a night of horrible pain, low pain in the morning. I took advantage and showered. I also made oatmeal pancakes and coffee. I wanted to cut my toenails on that foot but didn’t want to push it. Now it’s impossible because I am flared up again. I got up to get my night meds and boom, my foot went out in pain. Great.

My psych wanted me to page her in the afternoon so I did. Unfortunately, my mother called at the same time she did so she got sent to voicemail. My mother wanted me to make her lunch as she was still hurting with her knee. I made her the sandwich and then paged my psych again. I was expecting a quick callback but nothing. Here it is almost six hours later and nothing. I emailed her to tell her I paged her but never got a response. I am going to email her again in an hour telling her I will be going to bed soon. I sent her a goofy email while I was drugged up with my pain meds and she is worried about me. I read the email this morning and it was not one I normally send. I told her I loved her and some other sentimental things, totally out of character for me.

I’ve been doing some PT stuff, mostly imagery. I haven’t used the app today. I probably will after I write this blog. I didn’t use it yesterday because I just wanted an off day of doing nothing. For the first time this month I had a day off from appointments and leaving the house so just stayed in bed. I was in pain anyway so there wasn’t much I could do. Now I will be on my bed the rest of the night. I hope I can sleep.

I’ve been feeling good despite my flare up just now. It was a relief to have a temporary low pain and still do things. My middle sister dusted and vacuumed for my mother ¾ of the house. She said she will be back in the morning to do the bathroom and kitchen. While she was here, she bitched about her kids and my crazy cousin, who is a kleptomaniac. My 2nd youngest niece hangs with her and I hope doesn’t get involved in the stupidity my cousin pulls. My cousin loves diagnosing people and I can only imagine what shit she has told my niece.

Yay! My psych called me back. Unfortunately, she changed our appt time to the 30th after I told her I was stopping treatment after Oct. I just don’t want any appointments in November for reasons I didn’t tell her. I felt like I bullshitted her while talking for the first time in my life and it didn’t feel good. We talked about the transgender stuff and she told me the hospital will be expanding care in the future for transgender people. That’s cool and about time! Monday I will legally be G Collerone and I hope that will be on my death certificate. That will be very important to me, but then I’ll be dead so I won’t know. I’ll haunt my family if not, haha.

pain, pdoc appt, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain, pdoc appt, and other things

I once again woke up around 330 in pain. I took my pain meds and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I think I fell back to sleep around 5ish then woke up one minute before my alarm went off. I got up to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. Then I got dressed and caught the bus to the Square. I had to stop and deposit money in my checking account because I was short on funds. I’m glad I checked my balance because I would have been overdrawn. A transaction I made the other day I forgot about. Oops. I then went to Dunkin to get some pumpkin donuts. Then I went to Starbucks for my espresso and a breakfast sandwich.

I got on the train to get to my pdoc appt. The appt went well. I told her about the bitch coordinator for the pain group. If she knew who ran it, she would contact them. I told her not to bother as I don’t want to go anymore. This bitch just ruined it for me. She went over the notes from the neurologist appt yesterday. She has no clue about the bone scan he ordered. I have no clue either but I gather through my Twitter buddies that it’s a radioactive test. Guess I’ll be glowing in the dark, haha. We also talked about my mood and how sucky it has been. She agreed. She said that if I need to contact her this weekend, to use her cell phone number. I said ok.

I had to go home a different way because the bus I take from the Square was being detoured. It took me longer to go home. My ankle/foot is not happy with me right now. I am in a lot of pain. I took some Neurontin and my strong pain pill. The weather is cold so my spine is aching, too. I thought of going to Rite Aid for some half and half as I was out but changed my mind. I’ll go tomorrow. It will give me something to do. I also need to go to Walgreens.

My mood sucks right now. I’ve been thinking of suicide for most of the day, partly due to feeling hopeless about my ankle being FUBAR and partly because the depression is just so bad right now. I really hate this and sometimes I am scared that I will go ahead with my crazy plan I keep fantasizing about. I don’t know if I will act on it. I really want to but I know my immediate family will hurt and that keeps me here, as long as I don’t have constriction (blinders). I hate that I have to suffer so others won’t. It’s a real struggle when you lose all hope of getting better. I know that if PT is successful, I might not be in as much pain. Which might get me a little more active than I have been but as I told my pdoc today, I don’t think it will rehab me enough so I can work again. Hell, just walking the 3,342 steps today going out and back home is doing a real number on my ankle right now. I was only out of the house for a few hours and I am toast. I really need to rest this weekend, though the only thing I have planned is to change my sheets and try and find that backpack I’ve been wanting to use. It’s driving me crazy that I don’t remember where I left it last. It might be in a different part of my office, under some jackets or something.

I really would like to do some writing in my journal again. Lately I have been so tired because I wake up in the middle of the night that I just don’t have time to sit at Starbucks and write like I used to. Or I just been too distracted to write. Lately, I just can’t focus on anything. I can’t remember the last time I opened a book. I just am not interested in reading anymore.

My ankle is really hurting me right now. If I had a chainsaw, I would chop it off. It’s bad enough I feel like slicing it open with a knife. Somehow I think that will stop the pain by cutting out the pain. Weird thinking but it’s driving me crazy having to take this pill and that pill then waiting for the pills to work. It’s aggravating. You just want relief now and it doesn’t happen. I’m starting to have anxiety so I took one of my blood pressure pills. I didn’t take it this morning, again. This is the 3rd day I missed my morning dose. Luckily, when I saw the neuro yesterday, they took my BP and it was normal. I hate having to be on two medicines for my blood pressure. I especially hate having to take one twice a day. I should put the alarm in my app back on so I don’t miss the dose. I only stopped it because I was waking up in the middle of the night or going to bed really late and I didn’t want to be disturbed. I need some sleep.