Tag: suicide ideation

A Good Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A good Sunday

It was my niece’s birthday party. She turns 21 on Tuesday but we had the party today. It was fun and I finally got to see my little cousin who is nine months old. My cousin’s girlfriend kept posting pictures of her and I was afraid I wasn’t going to see her until she had turned one as I don’t visit too often because of my pain levels. My pain wasn’t too bad today but after sitting for an hour or so, I needed to taking something for my leg pain.

Last night I video chatted with a dear friend of mine. It was fun. We talked for about an hour or so before her daughter needed a shower. Her daughter has autism needed help with showering. I was sort of multitasking because another friend of mine was texting me at the same time we were chatting after the shower. It was weird texting on my phone and then having a chat on my laptop.

Just killed a damn fruit fly that was buzzing in my room. I don’t know where the hell they come from as I don’t have any food in my room. Just pisses me off. I hate bugs!

I’m going to watch Schindler’s List tonight. I haven’t watch this movie since high school. It’s a very moving movie. I hope to god nothing like it occurs again. There was a Twitter account on Holocaust Remembrance Day that listed the names of about 600 or 900 people that came to the US as refugees in 1939. They were turned away from the US and were killed by the Nazis in their various camps. This account also listed the photo of the person, if it was available. I just find it really sad that the US did that to those people and are now doing it to Muslims. Of course, the Middle East countries that Trump has business connections to are excluded. Just pathetic.

I told my psychiatrist about my fear about changing my name and using gender dysphoria as a reason for my name change. She said I was being paranoid. I told her I didn’t want to be on some list later on that “hunted” me down for my TG issues. That part she kind of understood better. If there were better people in the high government, I might have gone forward in my transition this year but I am too scared to now. But it doesn’t matter because in a few weeks, I shall hopefully not exist anymore.

I texted my therapist and told her our next meeting will be our last. There will be no need to have three or four sessions as termination sessions because I just can’t go through with it. It’s too hard as it is to have a session with her without breaking down. We have tried to make this work for the past year and we just can’t. She won’t change her ways and it’s detrimental to my progress. Plain and simple, though on my blog it’s easier said than how it feels. My psychiatrist and a good friend want me to see someone else but I refuse for right now. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what went wrong so I don’t make the same mistakes with the new therapist, if I can find one. And besides, this blog has been more therapeutic to me than therapy so there’s that bonus.

Pain O’clock our has struck. My toes feel like they are being pounded on like a xylophone. I wonder what time I will get to bed tonight. Just really sucks because I was having a good day up until now. Now my night is filled with pain and I hope that I can control it. Or we’re going to have problems.

doc 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I woke up at 0300. I was thirsty and in pain, of course. All the bones in my foot are aching me. It started around 1800 last night. I didn’t take any pain meds then because I have been trying to be conservative. I don’t think I will have enough pills to last me until Friday. I have been popping them like candy since I have had 3 flare ups, one right after another. My ankle going out on me earlier this week didn’t help matters.

I got a text from my friend’s husband. He was lonely and wanted someone to talk to. He just lost his father and is going through a depression. He feels like he has no one to talk to that understands. I get it. I don’t mind talking to him because he is a nice guy and I hate to see someone suffering from depression. It sucks. I told him I would send him my book with Star Trek stamps. He couldn’t believe there was such a thing. I am a trekkie through and through.

I just bought a new charger cord for my Kindle. The one I have is really for my Samsung phone and it takes forever to charge the Kindle. The cord is also longer so I don’t have to worry about it falling out while charging. The original cord was like less than 4 feet and didn’t fit the Kindle at all unless you really rammed it in the charging site. That is why I had to use my Samsung cord. I hope the longer cord is useful. Otherwise, I will just send it back.

I think I am going to take some more Neurontin. The pain is oscillating between physical pain and nerve pain. I have no idea what the hell is going on with my foot. It’s driving me crazy. I hate taking the new pills that I have because I ran out of the 300 mg capsules. Now I have 600 mg tablets and they taste awful. There isn’t a coating on the pill so it’s worse than my pain pills. But they work so I can’t complain too much.

I hope I am not too young to get the shingles vaccine. I am going to ask the pharmacist tomorrow about it as I don’t want to catch it from my mother. I don’t know if they will give it to me because I have been exposed to the virus or not. I don’t know how the shot works. I could look it up but I am not in the mood for Google. I really don’t need another painful condition with what I have. It will suck so bad.

I will have my Casi Cielo today as my bro in law bought me some half and half. I love this coffee. I bought the K-cups for the Keurig and it was so good. I hope the ground coffee is just as good. I will be making it for the first time later today.

I haven’t received my insurance bill yet. I know the premiums went up by at least $20. I have to have it because my insurance pays for my prescriptions. I hope that I don’t have to pay a lot for my monthly lot. I know my mood stabilizer is going to be the most expensive. It was last year. I really don’t need to bother with refilling my meds because I am not going to be around. I don’t know how to explain this to my psychiatrist. I know she will want to hospitalize me until “my thinking is straight” but I have made up my mind. There is no shaking it this time around.

frustrating psych appointment

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Frustrating psych appointment

I met with my psychiatrist this afternoon. We talked about my therapist and we both agreed she is avoiding me for whatever reason. My psych has tried to get in contact with her but they are playing phone tag. I was feeling really down while meeting with my psych and felt hopeless about therapy, the whole process of seeing someone new, etc. I just got annoyed because she kept on wanting me to try different approaches and I knew that once a new therapist found out my suicidal history, I would be referred to someone else, who would refer me to someone else and that is how the game is played. I am done playing the game. So my psych wanted me to text my therapist to call the new therapist that I picked out and see if there can be some way to talk to the new one. After I left her office, I did that. I don’t know how good it will do as my therapist is not in the office until Monday, which is when I wanted to text her, but we’ll see. I am not hopeful about it.

I left the office feeling like I wanted to jump off a bridge. But I am afraid of heights so I doubt that will happen. I don’t think my psychiatrist realizes I only have a few weeks left before I try something. I won’t be meeting with her in Feb. There is no way in hell that is going to happen. I don’t know what kind of excuse I will give but I am not seeing her. I bought my supplies that I needed to try to take my life in a couple of weeks while I was at Walgreens.

I didn’t sleep until after 0530 this morning and then it was only about 4 hours of rest that I got. I needed coffee badly. I caught the next bus going to the Square so I could have my espresso and a frappucino. Getting the frappucino completed my stars dash of 150 stars reward. I now have two free beverages or sandwiches. Sweet. I will probably use it Monday if there isn’t a snow storm. I am really tired. I came home and had a burrito that I bought while waiting for the next bus. My foot is acting up. My mother had me empty the dishwasher and the dishes in the strainer. I didn’t mind as she was cooking and I knew her back was hurting her. She finally realized that she does have shingles so is taking the medication for it. I just hope I don’t catch it.

I’m hoping to pass out soon from my pain meds. I will take some Ativan if I am not out in an hour. I need sleep. I didn’t tell my psychiatrist about my sleeping difficulties last night, though I did feel like paging her around 0430 when I was still up. I didn’t page her as I knew I would be seeing her. I am back to being in a lot of pain, though not as severe as I was last night/ this morning. I have the weekend to crash. I am anxious though. I feel like I am betraying my psychiatrist by not telling her my plans, though she kind of knows them. I was frank with her in the letter I sent her a few weeks ago. I didn’t give her a date, just the month I plan on doing the deed.

My psychiatrist wants me to stay in touch, even though I will see her next week, again. I asked her if she really wanted to see me, and she did, though she playfully said no at first. I wish it was a serious no. I would have felt more relieved.

a little of this, a little of that about chronic pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A little of this, a little of that about chronic pain and suicide

I don’t know where my blog is heading anymore. I tend to write more about my chronic pain than of anything else. And why not, it is always there, aching, throbbing away like no tomorrow. I am sick of it. Both my ankle and foot were competing as to who was going to hurt more and my foot won the contest. The three metatarsals (bones in the foot) that always bother me, are feeling like they are being crushed though there is no external pressure being applied whatsoever. I want to cry. I want to cut my ankle off.

I am depressed. Have been all day. I had texted my therapist asking if there was a time next week that would be suitable for us to talk and she responded that it didn’t look good. I am astounded that her schedule is so full. Used to be that we met three times a week. Now I can’t even have one? I am hurt. I just want to tell her forget it. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I am going to end up killing myself either way so what would a session do? It’s not going to prolong my life. She has no clue what I have been planning mostly because she hasn’t been around. She decided that we needed to meet monthly. Not me. I didn’t have any say in the matter. Now I can’t get a bloody appointment to convince her otherwise. Fuck her and her stupid schedule.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. We are supposedly going to come up with a “plan” on how to go on without a therapist. Can’t wait to see what she thinks. I am in a terrible mood right now so forgive me if I go off on a suicidal tangent. I am going to tell her that it’s useless. In fact, I don’t know why she is even treating me as I am a hopeless case. There is no point. I have made up my mind and within a few weeks, I will be gone. I hope to be gone anyway. If I had a more lethal means, such as a gun, then I know I would be gone but I don’t have a firearm. Though if I did, I don’t think I could wait a few weeks.

Pain has driven me to this. I couldn’t even bear weight on my foot as I went downstairs to the bathroom. I tried to stay off the bad metatarsals but going up the stairs, that was hard to do. I didn’t want to spend a half hour going up each step one at a time so I painfully went up the stairs like a “normal” person. I just hope this pain is gone by tomorrow because I need to go out. I don’t think cancelling on my psychiatrist is going to fly, even though I think the appointment is hopeless and pointless. She gave me plenty of refills on my meds so I am good for the next month or two. Not that it matters. I don’t even know why I bother to continue to take my meds. I guess if I don’t, I might become more impulsively suicidal. Right now I can wait. Throw in some agonizing despair and that might change. I guess my meds are keeping that from happening. And I know what happens when I don’t take the trileptal regularly. I am off my fucking rocker.

I do have some what adequate pain control, but that isn’t the point of me wanting to kill myself. The fact that I HAVE to take meds to control my pain is the issue. I shouldn’t be in pain. There is nothing physically wrong with my ankle or foot as determined by X-rays and MRIs. Hell, it even looks normal. I don’t get the discoloration you typically see with CRPS. Yet supposedly, this is what I have. It has to be some kind of pain syndrome. I know the pain isn’t in my head. Or maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. I just know that I am in pain and I need pills around the clock to control it. And soon as the dose wears off, I am in agony again until I pop one or two pills. Then the waiting game begins as to how long it will take for the pain to stop. Sometimes, a couple hours after I take my regular pain pills, the pain will intensify. This is all while I sit comfortably in my bed. No stress being made on it. No bear weight on it. No movement, though sometimes I flex my big toe and all hell breaks loose. So then I have to take the strong pain pill because I can’t take the regular pain pill as I just took it. It’s a fun game that I am so tired of playing. Then my bowels are all screwed up from this strong pain pill.

If I was a “normal” person, sure taking a laxative or some other method to go move my bowels would be fine. But not with someone with Cauda Equina Syndrome. Hard stools and a sensitive rectum/anus is bad news. Nerve pain happens when you finally are able to move your hard bowels. It’s so painful, you just wish you would die on the spot. Then sitting is intolerable. Nerve pain goes on any where from one hour to many. And this is not mentioning the trouble of pushing the stools out because your system just doesn’t have the mobility to do so on its own. You feel like you are in labor trying to push a rabbit pellet out. And that is all you push out. Sometimes it is more than that, but I won’t go into details about it. It just hurts, more than your damn foot. It leaves you exhausted like you have done manual labor. You need to rest from all the pushing and the pain. Fun times. NOT.