Tag: transgender

don’t call me daughter 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Don’t call me daughter 4

My family had dinner at my house. We had lasagna that my mother made. It was going good. Then after dinner we just sat around chatting. That when someone said something about my haircut and my mother shrieked and said I was hideous. She couldn’t stand to look at me. And she kept calling me a her. That triggered my suicidal tendencies.

I felt like coming out as most of the family was around. I knew I would have the support of my sisters. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like I would just leave and never come back. I would have grabbed my lethal bottle of pills along with my other pills so I don’t throw them up and make it to my suicide spot to have it over and done with.

I still am feeling hurt hours later. I felt like talking to my sister but I know she would just say that I should just “let it go”. How can I when you own mother tells you to your face you are hideous because of your military haircut? I get no support from her at all. This just seals the icing on the cake.

I so badly wanted to correct my sister and mother when they were calling me “she” and “her”. I felt so hurt. The pain was so indescribable that I could feel it and not feel it at the same time. I was just shocked because she said it in front of my sisters, my brother in law, and my nephew. I don’t remember if my little niece was there or not. My mother actually shivered in disgust as she talked about how hideous I looked with my haircut.

I love my haircut and I think I will continue to get this cut every time I go to the barber, if I don’t end up killing myself within the next week or so. I have never felt so ashamed to be my mother’s child as I did last night. I am her first born and to be treated this way, just kills me inside.

My physical pain has taken on it’s life on its own. I have had severe pain the last three days. It starts in my foot and then travels to my ankle. I am getting more and more reliant on my strong pain pill, which is just causing havoc with my bowels. And when you have a nerve injury, things don’t move the way they should anyway. Constipation makes it worse. I have been having to push so much that at times I feel like I am going to pass out. It fucking sucks. It’s only putting more nails in my coffin.

If the weather wasn’t supposed to be so shitty today, I would attempt to end my life. I had emailed my psychiatrist that I wished I was never born. I also posted it on social media and I got the typical “you shouldn’t say that”. Why the fuck not?? It’s my fucking life. You don’t know what I have been through. You don’t know the hell my mother is putting me through. Would it be better if I just died by suicide?? I think it would be. I am tired of living anyway. I have nothing worth living for. I am disabled and there is nothing I can do to change that. I can no longer work or even go to school, mostly because I don’t make the money to go. It’s hard to come up with or save $1200 for one college class on disability. It makes me sad that my dream of just even getting my bachelor’s degree is stuck. Looking back, I should have gone to UMB to get my degree rather than an Associate’s. But what is done is done.

my thoughts however disturbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My thoughts however disturbing

I didn’t talk about the politics that has happened yesterday. I don’t think it affected me, yet. I am hoping my state is immune because we have our own way of doing healthcare but I don’t know if the new Trumpcare will force them across the board or what will happen. It still has a few steps to go through before being signed by Cheeto.

But it has me worried none the less. If reproductive contraceptives are affected, I will no longer get my hormones free. I don’t know how much they will cost. A friend that has gone through the gender clinic who has mental problems like I do, was not able to get testosterone because she/he was not stable enough. I worry with my suicidality if the same will be my fate if I am no longer to get the contraception hormones to stop my menses. I will become suicidal again and it won’t be pretty.

I will be stuck and feel trapped. It won’t be a good feeling and because I have a bunch of pre-existing conditions, I don’t know if I will get my medication that I need to keep me alive and somewhat functioning. My blood pressure will go up to stroke like conditions. My migraines will come back and between that and the chronic pain that I have, I doubt I will be able to take the pain in my head as well.

The pain in my ankle has returned. Not with a vengeance but as I climbed out of bed for dinner, the sheet irritated my big toe and by the time I went downstairs, the pain came back. I feel like I should just end my life because what is my life worth to the republican party. They want to weed out people like me that is costing the insurance companies millions in doctors visits and medications every year. Hell, just therapy alone cost me $15,000 in insurance. I just don’t feel worthy to live anyway. I am sure I am not the only mental health person in America that feels this way right now. To some congressmen, transgender people are a “disease”. I am sure they will love for me to be wiped out by suicide.

We’ll see how this plays out before I make plans to end my life. I hope the Senate doesn’t let this bill pass or that the lousy VP doesn’t break a tie because we all know which direction it will go. America will be lost, more so than it already is thanks to Cheeto and his cronies.

fricken frustrated about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Fricken frustrated about things

I know I kind of did a lot today. My pain levels were up and I took meds to bring them down. Then I got up to get something and when I went back into bed, my pain shot up again. Now I am having nerve pain. I am so damn sick of being in pain all the damn time.

I was writing to a friend today about how things have been for me the past few months since the cops showed up at my house and how my blogs have basically not been the same. My writing has changed to not be so suicidal and to be honest about my true dark feelings. That I keep for my journal. I have to write and blogging was an outlet for me but some jerk ruined the experience for me. I still don’t know who that person was or how they found out where I lived.

I am just so frustrated by being depressed all the time and not getting relief from it and then add in chronic pain and it’s a recipe for disaster. Yet some how I am still here despite not wanting to be. I must have thought a half a million times tonight alone that I should just end my life. But I can’t do that to my psych. We are coming up to almost 25 years of working together.

The friend that I mentioned earlier wanted me to enter a writing contest for the organization I once belonged to. I told her that I did but didn’t win the first year they had the award. I had written about my experience of being suicidal because of being transgender. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I came to the realization that at least 85% of my suicidality was because I was in the wrong body. It took me another year or two to put together that having menses really fucked with me and caused instantaneous suicidal impulses. Once my menses stopped, I no longer have that great suicidal urge once a month. It sucks that I have to take female hormones to stop my menses but it is what it is, for right now.

The only thing stopping me from becoming a man is my mother. She will not understand it at all and the rejection would kill me. I would die as her daughter rather than her son. I do hope to change my name legally sometime this year. It’s something I wanted to do last year but something came up and I was not able to go ahead with it. It also is a lot of money that I need to save up for. I am hoping that one of my paychecks once I get caught up on bills I will be able to go to the court and file the paperwork needed to do it. This is something I have been dreaming about for years. I have always, always, hated my birth name. Course there have been different names that I have wanted. Alex and Mike have been the few names that I thought I wanted but I got used to people calling me G or GC so decided to stick with those lines. I still have not decided, fully, which of those initials to go with. It’s hard.

Saturday Blog 77

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Apparently, I wrote a blog early this morning. I vaguely remember writing it. I have been so out of it lately that it’s hard to remember things. I made my coffee and read my book for most of the day. I didn’t think a Kay Redfield Jamison book could annoy me but this one has. I hate it when authors go back and forth between date and years. That is my biggest pet peeve. She does it in this book and it really has me confused. I hope the whole book isn’t like this. It will drive me crazy.

I ordered Chinese for dinner. I had to order from a different place than last time because my mother didn’t like it. Then she complained about this place’s food. UGH. I can’t win with her. Eating the food has made me sleepy. I hope to catch a nap, if my ankle pain goes down a few notches. It crept up really bad around the time that I had to take my next dose of pain meds. I am hoping it will settle down soon. I really don’t want to break out the strong pain pill this early. I have been taking it nearly every day all week, at different times because the pain has been so damn bad. I am going to need a refill on it. If the doc asks me why, I will tell him the pain has been bad and I have been using it more because the regular pain meds just aren’t touching the severe pain I have been experiencing. I told him this the last time I saw him and I didn’t get a response.

I was able to finally shower today. I even brushed my teeth. I have been doing better with brushing but there are some days I forget or just don’t feel like it. I have to be better about it because I don’t want another cavity.

My chest feel heavy. And I don’t think it’s a physical problem. I just feel weighed down with stuff. I still haven’t done much promoting for my book. I haven’t found a therapist. My psychiatrist hasn’t responded to the emails I sent her. The voices are getting riled up because they can. I have been better with the trilafon but sometimes the voices like to break through, especially when I am anxious or nervous about something. Lately it has been around my pain because it causes my anxiety/PTSD to go up. Plus this has been an anniversary week, which I am glad is over with.

The hit I took from my mother mocking me yesterday is still there. One of these days, I am going to snap back at her. I imagined having a conversation with her about being transgender but all the kept going through my head was her saying she doesn’t believe me and that I am not a boy. That will just about kill me to hear it out loud. I don’t think I would be able to handle it, not without a therapist in place. I know I could call my psychiatrist but my psych still thinks I am a girl, too. She hasn’t out right said it but I can tell when I bring it up she isn’t totally comfortable with it. And she still calls me my birth name when she calls me on the phone. It’s hard to get away from. I keep saying I will legally change it but the way things are right now, I don’t think it will be wise. I would rather die than go through some discriminatory process or worse. Plus with my paranoia surrounding it, I am terrified of being on some database to be locked up some where one day. Just makes me really suicidal.

I never made it to the post office today. It was very cold and icy this morning. I didn’t want to risk walking there and twisting my ankle. That would not be good. I’ll go Monday as that is the day before the next storm hits. Maybe I will even venture out to Starbucks and get my espresso drink. Hard to believe I have been in the house all damn week. I know I am going to be sore as hell once I start walking again.

I have been thinking of taking some baclofen in the morning. Trouble is that within a few hours, I get sleepy and dizzy from it and need to lie down. I think I might take half a pill and see if I can adjust. Maybe it will help the pain because the spasms that I feel aren’t doing me much good and I can’t keep taking Ativan all the time. My psych would flip if she knew how much I had been taking most of the week. I haven’t been overdosing or anything but one day, I was taking it like every 6 hours. I only know this because I would take it with my pain meds, not the strong one, the regular ones. I just wanted to sleep that day and was taking anything that would do the job. Pain has been really bad and it’s not helping my mood at all.