Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

broken shoulder and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Broken shoulder and other things

My pcp got back to me late yesterday afternoon and scheduled me for an urgent care visit. I went this morning, which I didn’t want to get out of bed for. I am glad I went and had an x-ray because my shoulder has a fracture in it caused by a dislocation. The results said that it was prior but I don’t recall ever dislocating my shoulder before. I need to have an MRI done but there is a significant wait so I will be having a CT scan done on Monday, which means I need to reschedule my therapy appointment. I also need to see a shoulder specialist.

After the appointment, I was hungry and thirsty. I didn’t have anything to eat or drink when I got up because I got up really late and I had to catch the bus if I was to be at my appointment on time. I went to CVS and got a smoothie. I then went to the Square to go to Starbucks to grab a mocha and a sandwich before catching the bus home. I had to pick up my meds at the pharmacy so I went there before stopping home. I got out of breath when I got home. Stupid hill still makes me short of breath. I had to sit on my porch for a bit before going up the stairs. I was in a lot of pain when I got home from the exam and not taking any pain meds. I should have taken some with me but I didn’t think.

I am quite tired. Yesterday I woke up at 2 am and didn’t go to sleep again till around 2200 or so. It was a long day. I couldn’t think to write a blog so I just posted a pic of a puppy that I thought was cute. I had therapy yesterday. It went well. She was calling me out on shit and I was at one point like, is this Will Hunting?? She wanted me to take care of myself rather than rely on others for care as I’ve been neglected and abused for most of my childhood. I understood where she was coming from but it didn’t feel good to know that I had to do the caring from now on. That doesn’t sit well with me. I do take care of myself in other ways.

While I was at the urgent care, they took my blood pressure and my diastolic was high. I just took my blood pressure at home to see what it is and it is still high. Fuck. I might have to go back on the labetalol. I had stopped taking it because I didn’t think I needed it. My blood pressure has been good until now. Now I got to monitor it to make sure the high readings don’t continue. I am in a lot of pain so that maybe why my pressure is up. I haven’t given myself the T shot yet today that I am due for. I wanted to write for a bit before doing it. I am so tired. I plan on going to bed early tonight because starting Friday, my nights are going to be busy watching baseball and I need to be up to listen to the plays. Just hope I am wrong about them having days off and then playing. We need to win four games and it isn’t going to be easy with the Astros.

Puppy pic

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Been up since 2 am. Will write as longer post tomorrow. This pup is cute with his ears. I am a sucker for dog ears.

shoulder pain is unreal today

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shoulder pain unreal today

I woke up with severe shoulder pain a few times during the night. I had slept for about three hours and then I couldn’t go back to sleep so I colored for a bit until meds took care of my pain enough so I could go back to sleep. I slept late again. My cousin called me around noon to say he couldn’t take me shopping because someone hit his car and he needs to get it fixed. He will take me next week when he has a rental. I said no problem. When I got up, my shoulder pain was bad. I went about my business and my bowels unleashed. I crapped my pants and shit was everywhere. I cleaned up and then went to have coffee and something to eat. There was still the apple crumble my sister made so I had some of that. It was so good. My mother came into the kitchen and I swear I wondered how many “oh my god”s she says during the day as in the first 10 mins she had said at least four.

I have been listening to all my songs on my MP3 player. It started with “Jesse’s Girl” by Rick Springfield. Half way through a few more songs Beethoven played a piano sonata which was followed by Linkin Park. Shows my music range. I can go from classical to alternative rock. Love it.

Today is Marathon Monday which should be over by the time the Sox take the field tonight. Yesterday game was such a heartbreaker. It was so long (13 innings!) and the game just seemed like it was never going to end. The Sox were behind then were ahead then tied. Finally in the bottom of the 13th inning my favorite catcher hit a bomb to left center and we won 6-4. Tonight’s game is a win or go home game for the Rays. My favorite pitcher is on the mound. My cousin doesn’t think he will be effective tonight and granted his last couple of starts have not been good. But I believe in him and his ability to be a great pitcher.

I have been up for 3.5 hours and I want to go back to bed. I am so damn tired. I had a second cup of coffee to try and stay awake. I know if I try and take a nap I won’t be up for the game. It is the kind of tired where I don’t care if I sleep forever kind of feeling. I am in pain so I got the fuck its. My leg is acting up right now. UGH. I never get away from pain. I thought I would have to put a lido patch on my leg because sitting for 5+ hours for the game was annoying my thigh. Nerve pain kept flaring up. I am kind of worried as this week is T shot week and I need to give it to my left thigh which is the one with nerve pain. Depending on how it feels between today and tomorrow I will decide to give it. I wish I had a nurse friend that could give it to me in the butt. I do have one friend but she is on the Cape. Kind of far from me.

I am feeling so overwhelmed right now because pain has gone up three notches with the CRPS pain and nerve pain in my leg, which I am starting to think is CRPS related. I took an Ativan because of the internal agitation I am feeling, the desperation that I feel when pain is like this. I can’t take another pain med for another hour. I texted my therapist that I hate taking the Ativan because of this overwhelm. I just feel trapped, like I can’t escape. It isn’t a good feeling. But I know when I get this squirrel feeling Ativan helps. It helps to clear my thoughts and settle me down. My mother just called to say dinner is ready. I don’t want to move. Leg is at an all time high level of pain. Left arm is throbbing. The muscles in my arm are spazzing. I hope my PCP can order an X-ray tomorrow to make sure I didn’t hurt myself when I fell. Then if he does and I am ok, I want to do the dry needling again with PT. I just hope I am up early so I can talk to someone. If they want me to be seen, I need to know so I can plan on going to Urgent care, if he can’t see me. My pcp is only there one day a week and he is usually booked. I have an appointment with him in Nov. That is too long to wait to be seen. I am so nervous about all of this. I am hoping what I did was just muscle related but I also hope I didn’t cause a tear in the muscle either. Sixteen hours and I hope to have my answers.

sunday blog 10102021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Sunday Blog 10102021

I woke up twice during the night to pee and both times my shoulder was in agony. I just want to sleep today so I won’t be going to the doctors like I wanted to. I am just so damn tired. Also my bladder hurts really bad for some reason. If I am awake for the game that would be good. I missed game two because I needed sleep. I don’t know why I have been so damn tired lately. Not sure if it is because I am in pain or the depression or both.

Last night I read a chapter in the book Medical Apartheid. Then I colored for a bit to get the images out of my head. I colored in the adult coloring book so it took me about an hour to do. I was picky about the colors. I got done around 2200 and then I went to sleep, only to wake up a couple hours later to pee. I honestly think this disruption in my sleep cycle because of urinating is causing me to feel tired during the day. Sometimes I can fight through the sleepiness but days like today are hard. I really don’t feel well and just want to hunker down and be under the covers.

Tomorrow is Marathon Monday where the Boston Marathon will be taking place in Boston. I will be avoiding the city like the plague. I hate crowds and I have no reason to be in town anyways. Sox will be playing but I am not sure the time yet. I think they will be wearing their yellow uniforms. Hope it brings them luck. The series is tied at 1 right now. I just hope Nate can be nasty tonight.

I have a slow week. I just have therapy this week, no other appointments. I am going to go grocery shopping with my cousin Wed as I forgot to get a couple of things when I placed my grocery order last week. I just hope my arm is better by then. It is so sore that just lifting a gallon of milk hurts. Actually, lifting anything hurts. Just moving hurts. Yesterday I had some numbness going down to my hand but that resolved itself thankfully. I looked at my upcoming appointments and see that uro has scheduled me for urodynamic study for Nov. Would have been nice if they sent me a message. I am glad it is in the afternoon rather than the morning, which probably means I will be there for a couple of hours. Maybe I will treat myself to Thai food afterwards for dinner.

I need to do my meds for the week. That is the only thing I have to do today. I plan on doing it before the start of the ball game. I am thinking about using diclofenac gel for my arm. It sometimes helps with the pain. But I have been taking ibuprofen so mixing the two, even though one is systemic and the other isn’t, isn’t a good combo as it could cause stomach upset. I will wait a few hours and then put the gel on. If I get some relief it will be better than none.