Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Sleepless night filled with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleepless night filled with pain

I slept about three hours last night. I just couldn’t get comfortable because of pain and then I had to drive to my therapist’s office. I got some Starbucks before I left town. The pain was unreal last night. I had like four different types of pain going on in various parts of my foot and ankle. At one point, I had to keep it off the sheets because it was causing pain. I took Neurontin and my pain meds as well as Ativan. You would think that combo would knock me out but it didn’t. I didn’t go to sleep until 0530 or so. I swore if I was still up at 6, I was going to cancel the Zipcar and call it a day.

Therapy went kind of bad. We were talking about all sorts of things which were okay and then I brought up my book and how I should probably put a picture of myself on the back cover. I hate pictures of myself because I feel that I am really ugly and fat. I hate the way I look. She immediately goes into therapist mode and I am “diagnosed” as having body dysmorphic disorder. She wants to do exposure therapy to help me see that I am not what my head believes. Sorry, all my life I have been called ugly and fat. I don’t think exposure therapy is going to help. She got on her high horse, like this was going to be the mission for the next few weeks. I dread this idea. For one, I hate taking selfies. They never come out right and if I try to smile I just look like a dork. I think I look better with a serious face. Anyways, I don’t have to have a picture on the book but I was entertaining the idea.

I hate looking at myself. Even when I do have a photo of myself on Facebook or Twitter, it doesn’t last long. I can only stare at myself for so long before I get sick of it. So then I change it to a logo of some sort, usually sports related. I can’t even stand looking at myself in the mirror. I just feel so hideous. I even told my therapist today, I can’t believe she likes to look at me for 50 minutes.

I gave her some of the pumpkin fluff that I made. I actually gave her all that was left because I couldn’t eat it anymore. It was too rich and I couldn’t only have small portions of it at a time. I had some of it before filling the container with it. It was so yummy. But I won’t be making it again. I much prefer cake.

The ride home went well. I took the highway both ways so I made perfect time both ways, though I nearly got into an accident when I reached my town. Fucking driver just rolled through a stop sign and kept going. Idiot. I came home in plenty of time to return the car. But before I did, I had to eat something. I hadn’t had anything since 5 when I had some apple pies and whatever I had with the pumpkin fluff. Not enough to call it a meal.

Disappointing end to an up and down season

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball

Disappointing end to an up and down season

My Sox lost tonight. They came close to catching up to the Indians but they just couldn’t pull it off. I am deeply saddened by this. I was having mini heart attacks throughout the game. I didn’t know if watching it would make it better or worse as I was listening to it on the radio. So I just stayed in my room and listened impatiently. A few times I wish I had Xanax to calm me down.

The Fenway Faithful stayed after the game to send off Big Papi. They actually refused to leave without his sendoff. I almost cried. Papi has never been my favorite player despite all that he has done for the team. I just thought of him as a show off with a big mouth. He has been quiet all season though, despite his retirement. Even though he has done well hitting and scoring runs, he still wants to be retired. I will miss his smile and leadership on the team. Surprisingly, we are the same age.

I don’t know what to do now that the Sox season is over. I usually watch whatever team I fancy and usually switch until the World Series and then I pick a team to win. I have my college football games and of course, my Pats but football is played just once a week and it’s hard filling in the gap during the play time. Baseball was at least every three or four games in a row. I love baseball. I know it’s about numbers and stats and it seems every year they tack on something new to add to stats. I don’t really pay attention to it, nor do I record it in my brain. I just remember the good plays and the not so good ones.

So now I get to retire my ball caps and change it for football ones. And when the football season ends I will have a month and a half before my Sox are back on the field. I don’t know who will take over as DH. No one can replace Ortiz, that is a certainty. But there is a position to be filled and I wonder who will fill it.

Is it possible to be happy while being horribly suicidal?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Is it possible to be happy while being horribly suicidal?

Today while waiting for the bus, I was listening to my music. It wasn’t the normal playlist I usually listen to but I was playing all my songs in my music file. A few songs came on that I really love and I caught myself singing along and just feeling happy. It got me wondering what the hell was going on because the past few weeks I have been so suicidal. Hell, last Friday was my death date that I didn’t go through with and yet I still feel the urge to end my life. Yet here I was, singing along to the music like I didn’t have a care in the world.

I know people feel relieved once they make the decision to end their life. It’s like a burden is no longer on their shoulders. That the tasks that were impossible are now possible because things are going to end soon for them. I know this because I have felt it. I have gone through it. Yet somehow, some way, I have managed to survive the death dates and the horrible suicidal thoughts that have plagued me since I was young. My therapist calls me the exception to the rule. I some times call myself a coward for not going through with my plans. After all, I always keep my promises to other people but I never have been able to keep a promise to myself, and that include ending my life at some future date.

I wonder if I have finally lost my mind because I was happy this afternoon. How is it possible to feel joy and happiness after a suicidal episode? It didn’t last too long. Just for a few songs and then I started thinking about writing this blog because I think it’s important to talk about. Suicide claims over 40,000 lives each year in the US alone. Today happens to be “World Mental Health Day”. So I find it even more fitting to talk about suicide.

I’m not going to talk about statistics and data that I could bore you with about suicide. I have just my experience and knowledge that I have learned since studying about this epidemic the past 8 years. When I am not suicidal, I try to learn as much as I can about the treatments for it because it might help me through another episode. There is a lot of research out there. The top ones are CAMS, CBT, and DBT. I have given DBT a try and didn’t like it. That was more than 17 years ago and it has evolved just like CAMS has evolved over the last 25 years.

CAMS (Collaborating and Assessment of Managing Suicide) was developed by Dr. David Jobes and is by far, in my opinion, the best way to manage suicidal episodes. It is comprehensive, easy to administer and score, has a treatment plan, and doesn’t involve more paperwork than regular clinical administrative stuff. That is what I love about this tool. In it you use the forms called the Suicide Status Form to assess suicidal plans and also develop treatment strategies with the client instead of for the client. It’s a collaborative approach because everyone’s suicidal episode is not the same. What causes me to feel suicidal is not going to be the same for the next person.

Brief Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been shown to help those with suicidal thoughts and attempts. It can be used in conjunction with CAMS after assessment has been made. It’s important because this therapy helps with the cognition of suicide better than any other treatment. See the work of Craig Bryan for more information about this.

Despite my happiness lasting for a few moments in time today, I still feel a little content, which is better than I have felt the last few months. I don’t know why this has changed and I hope it’s not the bipolar in me shifting to mania. I always get worried when I am not depressed because it is what I am so used to. But I will take it. Tomorrow maybe totally different than today. Hell, tonight might be totally different than what I feel right now. But I don’t feel like taking my life today, and I think that is a good thing.

TG Issues 8

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

TG Issues 8

The past few days my mother has been calling me “miss” or “Missy” to get my attention. I find it totally disrespectful. I am hurt that she calls me these names and she does it in a tone that I find so annoying. I almost said something today but I couldn’t bring myself to do it for fear of WWIII starting. My sisters are not in town so I wouldn’t have their support. It would be tough to talk to her about this without them here. I just am extremely upset about it and don’t know what to do.

I have thought about calling a transline hotline but I am not in crisis. I just want to talk to another TG person who understands what I am going through and might be able to help me. I feel like such a shit for not standing up for myself but this is my mother and I don’t want to hurt her. If it was anyone else, I probably would say something.

I’m feeling really frustrated by this and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think I will have a therapy session with my therapist tomorrow so the next time we speak won’t be until Tuesday. I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep, which I might do pretty soon. All I have been doing most of the day is sleeping.

I am still having the pain around my waist. I don’t know what is causing it at this point. It’s going away but not at a fast enough pace for me. The rain isn’t helping, either.